Elderly step-parent’s own children not interested

[mumtomaxwell]

My MIL remarried about 15 yrs ago, they’d been together about 10 years before that. Her husband’s health is failing... frequent ‘trips’, incoherent speech/forgotten words, struggling with the stairs, very sleepy etc. He saw a dr who said “nothing more than old age”

Anyway, his daughters simply won’t see/accept how bad their dad is. My MIL is in poor health herself and is really struggling. But his daughters seem to be happy to let her get on with it! We don’t know them very well and don’t have their phone numbers etc. Also MIL would be really cross if we contacted them without telling her. She wants her husband to tell his kids himself how bad he is!! This is an elderly man who told me “to pay for the castle” when he actually meant “please get the suitcase out”!!!

We found out today MIL is having tests for cancer and is terrified. Her husband can barely walk and had another fall today. His daughter went to visit today, was told all this but says nothing.... I get she’s probably heartbroken and scared for her dad but it’s so unfair for her to leave it to my MIL.

Sorry this was long... what can we do?

[mumtomaxwell]

PoA has been mentioned before but SFIL is reluctant!! And his daughters are not supportive either.

However MIL is still very unwell and I think they’re all realising that the situation has to change. That’s one glimmer of positivity I suppose. Might be worth raising PoA again now that they’ve seen what MIL and SFIL’s life is like. And when she does come out of hospital she won’t be able to carry on as she has been in terms of his care. My DH thinks selling their house and moving into sheltered accommodation with a warden on site could be an option but MIL insists that’s for ‘old people’ !!

[Girasole02]

From experience, get power of attorney sorted asap for both health and welfare AND property and finance. Make sure a will is sorted. This isn't possible once a no capacity diagnosis is given. We had a solicitor to go to nans house as she was housebound. Was exhibiting signs of early dementia. Social services told us to get paperwork sorted before formal diagnosis was made. Now that she has advanced dementia and been given a few weeks to live, we are very pleased we did. If possible, have PoAs done in joint names. Both me and my husband are listed and this means hospital etc can speak to either of us, taking the pressure of a bit.
Nobody likes to think of this stuff in advance but going through a court must be worse.

[PurpleWithRed]

I’m so very sorry this is still going on. I would say both of them are at risk of harm, certainly enough for you to call the Safeguarding team, and SFIL is definitely in need of a proper medical assessment (his confusion could be something like a chronic infection, its not necessarily dementia).

[mumtomaxwell]

MIL is now very poorly in hospital... admitted today. Still no proper diagnosis but more tests are happening.

BIL has spoken to SFIL’s daughter today and explained that their dad cannot be home alone. Thankfully one of them is staying with him tonight so he is safe... I just hope they finally see just how bad he is, and recognise that MIL needs their support. She won’t leave him home alone and has to explain to him every day how to use stuff in the kitchen. She also suspects he’s not washing as he can barely get up the stairs never mind stepping into the bath to have a shower! Unfortunately he won’t allow her in the bathroom with him.

I feel sad it has come to this

[mumtomaxwell]

** listened
His partner certainly did so hopefully she’ll make him understand. He’s coming to stay with MIL later in the summer, perhaps when he sees her he’ll see how bad things are for her.

[mumtomaxwell]

So, over the past couple of weeks MIL has been having more tests. She has lost loads of weight because she’s too busy worrying so barely eats.

We’ve come to stay with DBIL and he was moaning that his mum is “all doom and gloom” My DH gently told him their mum isn’t coping. I just hope he has listenelp

[mumtomaxwell]

There’s 5 of us - our 3 children are primary age - so there’s no room for us to live with them.

MIL is looking at having a stair lift installed and we’ve talked about ways of adapting their bathroom although she’s less receptive to that!

I do think SFIL has a form of dementia although he says the GP told him there’s nothing of that nature going on... I’ve seen it in my grandmother and a close family friend and I can see the same things happening. I just wish he was more open to seeing the GP again or seeking support so that both of them can stop worrying about the unknown future.

[EileenAlanna]

@mumtomaxwell if mum & sdad would rather not/can't afford to move is there any possibility you & DH could live with them? Is their house big enough? The stair lift suggestion is a great idea & if they really wouldn't be happy in sheltered housing etc then maybe the only way to really support your DMIL is by being there with her. Dementia robs those we love of so much. My own DM spent her last years not knowing who any of us were & it's very hard.

[Needmoresleep]

If they move they should consider a flat in very sheltered housing. Loads of benefits like 24 hour warden, option of a cooked lunch, reception to help with stuff, an onsite community.

It is quite common for couple to live there when one is less able. It means the other parner can access support. Plus they dont need to move again after being widowed.

One provider is retirement security ltd. Fantastic.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

The obvious solution to stairs is a stairlift. Nowadays they can be fitted to all sorts of stairs, even with curves or bits of rail that can be tipped up out of the way. If a stairlift is out of the question, a lift can be an option - modern day ones are tiny.

Other measures are things like bars and handrails, walk-in shower with no lip to step over, zimmer frame, ruthless decluttering.

All this would be a lot less hassle than moving.

And if SFIL is starting on dementia, then a move would be very disorientating and would give a downturn in his condition.

I presume he hasn't had a referral to a falls clinic?

[PurpleWithRed]

Both MIL and SFIL are at risk of harm. Call social services (phone number on the council website) and speak to a duty officer about how to progress - talk about the falls and his memory issues and just ask for advice on how to progress. Ditto go to the GP with your MIL and tell the GP about your concerns; the multiple falls, the memory issues. The paramedics should have put in a falls referral when they came for his fall downstairs.

Your main issue may well be getting SFIL to go along with what’s needed. Pick your battles - moving house isnt going to happen, he needs a stairlift. Don’t let your SFIL passively abuse your MIL by refusing help: I see it a LOT with the elderly and it infuriates me.

His daughters are unlikely to be very helpful: don’t rely on them having a change of heart.

[MrsBertBibby]

Is a stair lift an option?

You can't sort out Power of Attorney after someone loses capacity, it is something you need to sort out in advance. If your mil hasn't done one she should, even if her husband doesn't want to do one. It indeed, has lost capacity to do one.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Hope it goes OK. It's probably too late for them to move now at their age.

[mumtomaxwell]

SFILs daughters live in the same town as them. They see one of them weekly and the other one less regularly. We live about 20 mins away in the next town but it’s an easy journey. BIL lives about 4 hours away so we hardly ever see him.

SFIL has a good relationship with them as far as I can tell... enough that they were at his wedding to MIL, and ours a few years later! And until a year or so ago he played golf with his son in law.

There is no way my MIL could manage a house move alone, and whilst we’ve offered to help she (and SFIL) have said they can’t afford it/don’t want to. They’ve viewed places and had theirs valued - but the few bungalows they’ve viewed have been really expensive and needed work. They don’t have a lot of money and their 3 bed house was valued at £290k, a small bungalow costs at least £300k plus moving costs and renovating. MIL has never driven and SFIL stopped driving about a year ago. They don’t want to move out of that town because their whole life is there. So I do understand how they feel despite the obvious benefits of a smaller more manageable home.

Will see what today’s apt brings for MIL.

[EileenAlanna]

How far away do his DD's live from their DF & how many of them are there? How much contact generally have they all had with him over the years? It helps with getting a grasp of the situation to know a little more background.

It sounds from what both you & your MIL have said that you consider dementia to be underlying many of his other problems. Is this why she asked her step daughters to obtain PoA? Tbh I don't think that's at all appropriate. He's her husband, the onus is really on her to step up in a matter such as this.

These women are wives, mothers & probably grandmothers. Their mother has recently gone into sheltered accommodation which tends to suggest that providing higher levels of care for an elderly parent is beyond what they can manage along side their other commitments & obligations.

Moving to a bungalow is a sensible suggestion. I don't see how this would be an unreasonable chore for your MIL, wouldn't your DH & BIL be able to take care of most of that for her?

[mumtomaxwell]

DH is going with her to see the consultant tomorrow. If she really has got cancer and will need surgery as she is convinced is the case, then he’s going to suggest social services or even Age UK as a first contact. She’s starting to realise that she can’t handle it all on her own.

I think I might volunteer to speak to SFIL’s daughters - both DH and BIL get very defensive of their mum! I think I’ll be more measured, especially after reading some of the comments here.

I really do appreciate it... this is our first time of supporting elderly parents - mine are a bit younger (late 60s). Thank you for all the advice so far.

[Beautiful3]

Can you contact social services and ask for support. You could be there while they make an assessment. I think if she wants her daughter's to help, then she needs to ask them directly.

[Graphista]

They may not want to move but it really doesn't sound as if they're being particularly realistic about their situation.

Living in a home with stairs when currently one party and likely in the future both will struggle to manage them is not a sensible decision.

My mums in a similar situation with my dad. He's bedridden and very unwell, she's his carer (which he refuses to acknowledge!), he won't allow ANY extra help in the house, mum is old, knackered, has health issues of her own and he refuses to move to a flat or bungalow which would make both their lives much easier (as would him getting over himself and letting her get in extra help!)

None of us "children" are actually in a position to help long term, but even on occasions when we've tried to we've "not done things right" and been asked not to help any more!

It's incredibly frustrating but sadly you can't force anyone to either accept or give help.

I've had virtually strangers (parents neighbours) accost me in the bloody street for "not helping enough" - these people know NOTHING about my family or what my father is like.

In addition to his current bloody mindedness he was abusive my whole childhood, a violent alcoholic and is still extremely controlling and verbally vicious.

People without that experience fall for the "poor little old man/lady" Schtick!

Just because someone is old, even if they are very frail/unwell doesn't make them a good person and doesn't mean they're automatically entitled to their family's support.

I've also worked several years in elderly care and a fair number of those with families who are in residential care are there at least in part because they burnt their bridges a long time ago or even are still aggressive/abusive and nobody should have to tolerate that

[RosaWaiting]

From your update, it sounds even more that the daughters can’t cope and that adult social services should be involved.

Getting information second hand is not ideal but if they have refused power of attorney then clearly they don’t want that level of responsibility.

[mumtomaxwell]

I totally get what you’re all saying about the approach we need to take. DH and his brother are frustrated and upset about the state their mum is in. It doesn’t excuse or justify ‘having words’ but it does show where it’s coming from.

The focus on the daughters comes from MIL. She’s asked them to have Power of Attorney but they said no. She’s spoken to one of their husbands - he says his wife doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her dad! That daughter thinks MIL and SFIL should move to a bungalow and all their problems will be solved... but in reality that would be MIL arranging the sale, purchase, removals etc etc. Also neither of them particularly want to move!!

MIL said to me “it’s like he’s got no feeling, he’s just not aware” which broke my heart. She’s lonely and struggling and wants the reassurance of his daughters’ backing. She’s terrified that they think she hasn’t done enough to support their dad. That’s why she wants them involved.

[SnuggyBuggy]

If anyone tried to "have words" with me like that I'd honestly tell them to fuck off. These people can't be forced to look after their dad.

[RosaWaiting]

Sorry I was reading in a rush and missed that the op actually put “ have words” in inverted commas, which does sound threatening.

[AtillatheHun]

This is the same situation for my MIL who is also financially supporting her partner who has only a state pension / no savings. His (very wealthy) children are not prepared to help with respite care or funding because they're still angry with him for the way in which he split with their mother about 30 years ago (I don't know any details). It sucks, but they can't b made to help and therefore your mother should look elsewhere for her own support

[RatherBeRiding]

SFIL's daughters may well have enough on their plates already - OP mentioned that their mother recently moved into sheltered housing. Perhaps they are already stretched providing support to her. Not to mention their own families. And possibly their own ILs.

I agree it would be worth opening a discussion with them about their father's problems but it is NOT their job to become any more involved with his care than they feel they have the time/energy to provide.

[Graphista]

"well, they have the right to ask. The daughters have the right to say no."

To politely and considerately and with open minds approach a discussion maybe they DO NOT have a right to "have words" to try and lay down the law!