Do i tell brother our Dad is gay?

[Curlygirly]

Our Dad is in 80's with Alzheimer's. Recently gone in care home near me. I've helped care for him last few years. Brother visits every couple of months but no real interest.

I've been clearing out Dad's flat and come across photos and letters that obviously means he's had male relationships. Haven't told anyone. Do I tell my brother? How do I tell him?

Mum & Dad split many years ago. She always said she never really knew why he left but about 30 years ago said do you think he's gay? I thought she was being bitter and spiteful but that always stayed with me.

Don't even know how I feel about it all.

[Fifthtimelucky]

I would tell your mother. She had her suspicions and might be relieved to have them confirmed.

Assuming she is the same generation as your father, she may feel that the breakdown of her marriage was because she had failed as a wife in some way. Knowing the truth, even all these years later, might help her feel better about it.

[greendale17]

Yes I would tell the family.

Your mother probably won’t be much surprised.

[salmonofwisdom]

If he had relationships with men and women then this is probably bisexuality rather than homosexuality. Either way, it doesn't change anything. Exploring sexuality is a human thingthere's nothing inherently wrong with that. Just talk about it. Why be ashamed or embarrassed? It's in the pastnot going to change. Talk about it and move forward.

[Curlygirly]

The missing jigsaw piece. That's it That's exactly it.

Over Easter I'm visiting my oldest best friend. I'll talk to her. She knew my family but has no connection now with them so will safely ' dump' it on her!

[Dontoutmenow]

For me, the not having anyone to ask is very difficult. I have DM’s version of events, which is biased to say the least. (DF is dead.) I have third hand accounts from a couple of old friends of his. Various relatives know bits and bobs and there are others who may or may not know and I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

To make matters worse, DM still lives in the same area and doesn’t want people to know even now, despite the fact she’s remarried. This makes it so awkward as whilst it’s a mess, I’m not ashamed and have no issues telling my childhood friends what really went on. It really does explain a lot, the missing jigsaw puzzle as a PP said. There are also the family friends and so on you see periodically at funerals and christenings and I forget who knows and who doesn’t. It’s a bloody minefield.

[Strawberry2017]

I would forget I'd seen it and get rid of the evidence.
It's a horrible situation you have found yourself in but it's only going to hurt people.
You don't know your brother wouldn't tell your mum and why risk hurting her.
Your dad had his reasons whether we think they were right or wrong.
He obviously didn't want people to know so leave him in peace, work out a way that you can accept and move on from the situation and just leave things as they are.
This has too much potential to blow up the wrong way. Your dad can't answer questions now - nothing to gain but more hurt.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way. X

[nctowritethis]

I'm in a similar situation OP but my dad is ten years younger and still married to and living with my mum.

He told me in absolute confidence about a year ago when we were talking about something I was going through. He said he never acted on it, even when young, he hadn't even come to terms it until recently.

I was fine and completely accepting when he told me and then went into a small bit of shock afterwards. It explains so much about my parents' awful crazy marriage, and my childhood. It's that missing piece of a puzzle.

Weirdly we haven't talked about it since, it's not the kind of thing you can bring up.

My mum has her own issues and we're not close, so I'd never tell her, but like you OP I do wonder if my brother should know.

Of course I won't, and I appreciate it's not my place to tell him, but it feels wrong somehow not to, in case he's struggled with our childhoods and it would give him some answers too.

[sunshinesupermum]

8wheelsgood THIS ( for all those posters who feel sorry for gay men who cheat on their straight wives)

And no. I don't feel sorry for my father at all. I have no sympathy for gay men who marry and sleep with men still. He could have not cheated on my mother but didn't.

[sunshinesupermum]

But why does it feel like it is a bit?

It is about you a bit - you, your brother and your mother were deceived by your father for many years and it may well have been the cause of your parents divorce.

I was in the same position as your mother. My daughters weren't distressed by the fact their father was gay but the deceit and lies (we were married for 30 years and he'd been in a secret gay relationship for the last six years) they really didn't know who their father was anymore. My daughters both had partners to support them at the time.

It's a shame you feel you can't talk to your mother about this as it seems you are both keeping the secret from each other.

[Curlygirly]

I do wonder who else in the family knows. As I said, my mum obviously had an idea. I've decided not to say anything. Any letters and photos I've found I've put in a box in his room in the care home along with other items.
The thing is, when I visit him, I look at him and realise I don't know him at all.

[Dontoutmenow]

This happened to me too. DPs were divorced and it all came out after DF’s funeral. DM decided to pick that day to tell us... She’d have been better leaving well alone. In reality, we (me and siblings) had worked it out long ago, though never really discussed it. There were many signs/clues that I guess we turned a blind eye to. In addition, DPs continued to live together for 15 years after he told her, all the while he was having affairs with men on the side.
I have spent a long time being angry with both of them for the way things turned out. He should have been honest, she shouldn’t have put up with it (interestingly says she would have left him sooner had he had an affair with a woman!). She is very old school and disgusted at the idea of homosexuality. I think she felt a huge sense of shame. Essentially, DPs both lied to us for a quarter of a century, and DM lied to herself for fifteen of those years. Not much more to add really. I’d want to know in your brother’s position but it will open a can of worms. It also came out later that my DGPs and aunts and uncles knew. That was like a slap in the face too.

[Curlygirly]

Thanks everyone. Given me stuff to think about. I now understand that there's 2 issues here. The gay bit which I agree isn't about me. Then there's the bit about the impact on my family.

Have spent the last 2 days with my brother and didn't say anything. We sorted the last of my dad's flat and went through a mountain of paperwork. Who knows, maybe he read something too and decided not to tell me!!

[misscph1973]

Namethecat, I don't think being gay can be compared to the finer details of sexual preferences. If someone comes out as gay, they wouldn't also detail if they like oral sex or not.

I hope that my DC would come out if they were gay when they were young, and not wait until they are married with children. My parent's generation (hippies) were supposed to be liberated, but it was only on the surface. It caused my family a lot of pain that my DF cheated on my DM with men, but I do sometime wonder if they would have stayed together even if it hadn't happened, if my dad had not acted on his sexual preferences. Considering he re-married a woman, I think he should have bloody well NOT cheated on my DM, but of course I have no idea if my DF cheats on his current wife with men.

Should someone keep their sexual direction "dormant" to protect their loved ones? It seems a lot of men think it's okay to cheat, is it just a question of whether you get found out or not?

[A580Hojas]

It could just as easily have been your brother who found the letters. I agree with TwitterQueen - I expect he wanted you to find them. I would share with your brother.

[Namethecat]

both my parents are now dead and I knew nothing about their sex lives/ preferences. Does your father know what turns you on ? Tbh I think you have had the initial shock of finding that out but your mind is over processing it. It was his business when he was well and should be still now.

[PaddyF0dder]

It would have been for your dad to tell people.

He didn’t. So don’t.

[misscph1973]

8wheelsgood, I totally understand where you are coming from - cheating is cheating. no matter who you cheat with. I also carry a lot of resentment towards my DF on my DMs behalf. I think he should have not cheated on my DM, I think he should have made a choice, he should have stayed with her or he should have left her and then explored his sexuality. But I think it's important to remember that our parents are a different generation.

I actually had a much better relationship to my DF after the divorce because he managed to focus on his role as a parent to me while my DM didn't, she was depressed, victimised and unable to be a parent for me.

I think it's so important to actively work on how you react in such cases. My DM suffered so much. I think she suffered more than she had to, she was stuck in the victim role.

Curlygirl, it feels like it's about you because it's your DF and because at the moment you are the only one who knows.

[NorthernLurker]

I think your mother is the person who has the right to know. This secret broke up her life. She has a right to know why he left. I don't think your brother needs to know but you may all feel a sense of release if it shared information.

[TwitterQueen1]

Homosexuality was only decriminalised in 1967. If your Dad is in his 80s now OP, he would have been at least 30 years old when this happened and he would have spent his whole younger life being brought up to believe how disgusting it was.

I don't think the younger generations (I'm 58) fully appreciate just how vilified homosexuals were throughout the years - right up until the noughties really. And the whole AIDs, HIV thing was huge too - very much a "well they deserve it" type of attitude.

An 85+ close relative was deeply humiliated and disturbed and upset when her child came out as gay.

Thankfully we've come a long, long way very quickly in the past couple of decades, but don't underestimate just how awful it was for a very long time.

[8wheelsgood]

We found out this about my father a few years back. He had cheated on my mother, with men, while we were small, and entirely possibly while they were still sleeping together. He lied and put her at risk. They divorced, I haven't spoke to him since. This was the final straw though as he was not a good person in other ways.
I would tell your brother, especially as your father may well say something to him if he forgets people's faces/names and if he was prepared it would be less of a shock should something be said.

And no. I don't feel sorry for my father at all. I have no sympathy for gay men who marry and sleep with men still. He could have not cheated on my mother but didn't.

[Thisimmortalcurl]

I think if it was me I would ask my dad but be clear that it was totally fine. I would only be asking/ speaking about it if I thought it would be something that he would feel okay about sharing and perhaps be a relief.
If my dad was the sort of person who would be embarrassed or just unable to discuss I would most likely offload to my sibling.
It’s unfair for you I think to have to keep it to yourself.

[user1493413286]

I think it also depends on your relationship with your brother; I’m very close to my sister and wouldn’t be able to not tell her.
I understand why you feel upset about this discovery; I think it’s important to remember that during a lot of his life being gay was illegal and completely unacceptable therefore coming to terms with it himself may have been so hard that he didn’t feel he could share it.

[Lisette40]

curlygirl a good friend of mine has just come out after his mother's death. He's spent 25 years celibate because he didn't want to upset his mother. She was extremely homophobic. I'm just so upset for him that he felt he had to wait all this time.

[PaperdollCartoon]

Your poor Dad, it’s a shame he didn’t feel able to be open. I understand your feeling that is to do with you, I found out at my DGM funeral last year that she’d had a child she gave up for adoption. I felt really sad that she hadn’t felt able to tell me.

If it were my brother I would tell him, because I know him, I can’t speak for your brother. If there’s any hope of talking to your DF I would try that.

[Curlygirly]

Fortysix* that's a good idea.