Advice please - 3yr old sent to heads office

[redberry]

Advice needed please. Ds2 is due to start school in Sept.

During his taster session yesterday the teaching assistant took him off a trike after he squabbled with another child over it. Ds2 stamped on her foot, pinched her & winded her!!

It all escalated from there as they tried to make him apologise. Teacher took him to the head. DS1 said he saw him sat outside the office with his head on his knees.

Now, I fully understand that what he did was wrong and apologised profusely to the assistant myself. I tried to explain that this was totally out of character - normally he's a gorgeous cheerful, occasionally naughty child, just an average 3 yr old!

Now I feel like he's marked his card already for that school and he hasn't even turned 4 yet!

Hate to think of my little boy sat outside the heads office - Ds1 said he looked "scared"

Anyone think the school handled it badly? Or is this a totally justified and necessary reaction by the school?

[Cam]

Glad you're feeling better redberry,hope your ds will enjoy the long holidays and will have forgotten all about it by September!

[redberry]

One week on feeling much calmer about the whole situation!! Thought I was becoming school phobic for a while (blubbing in the car waiting for ds1!) Finally felt confident enough to speak to ds2's teacher-to-be.

Of course, almost immediately started crying again - never realised I was so pathetic!

Anyway, she was lovely and reassured me that he hadn't marked his card. They got to see the caring side to him as he came and pulled his chair next to mine, stroked my arm and offered to wipe the tears away.

Explained how he might have felt anxious and threatened on his taster day as the teachers are strangers to him.

I mentioned how he was saying school gives him a sore tummy and makes him sick. When I told him I was going in to see his new teacher for a chat he feigned sickness, he was "too sick to go in today, maybe another day"

They chatted to him a little and tried to reassure him too that he would enjoy his time at school. I'm sure he's really picked up on my anxiety over the past week, poor little thing.

In school again this evening for ds1's open evening. Paid a quick visit to reception class and ds2 was still shy but smiling and managed to ask teacher for a banana.

Now need to concentrate on being positive about ds2 starting school for both our sakes.

[Willow2]

Well, if they wanted to make a child xxxx scared of starting school they probably couldn't have done a better job. Think the class teacher should have handled the matter - not the headteacher. Apart from anything else, what message does that send out - that the teacher is incapable of keeping control of her class? Yes, your child's behaviour was not what is expected at school - but he's not at school yet ffs.

I have helped in ds' reception class this year and have seen how brilliantly his teacher keeps on top of discipline. Over the year the children have learnt what they can and cannot do - via a variety of different techniques. Now if they misbehave she is firm, fair and sometimes quite frightening - but the children know her and know that she will not hold a grudge and that once the matter is dealt with it is over - your ds doesn't know that though. I strongly believe that the first year at school is one of the most important - if not the most. Reception is a vital building block, an essential foundation. Get it right and you will have a child who loves learning - get it wrong and you will have to drag them into class each day (if they bother to turn up at all.)

The words butterfly and wheel spring to mind - your ds is 3... not Charles Manson.

[Cam]

Maybe redberry's son was frightened by a stranger physically pulling him off the trike.

[Jimjams]

I was lucky as well that ds1's private SALT oobserved that particualr incident and told me what had happened (and that she was concerned that mismanagement was making him behave in a manner very unlike him- and if I didn;t sort out the school we would be storing up big behaviour problems). She's a very experienced SALT, had worked with him weekly foor over a year and knew him very well. It sounds to me as if a similar sort of mismanagement may have gone on here.

[Jimjams]

A sustained attack? The LSA escsalated the incident as far as I can tell.

When ds1 was at mainstream I was shocked to find that he had headbutted a teacher (he normally only headbuts himself- to headbut others is very unusual). Anyway after complaining that I hadn't been informed I asked how this had arisen. Apparently he was given bead threading to do (god knows why- he needs lifeskills not bloody bead threading)- he didn't want to do it (not surprised he hates it) and the LSA sat behind him, held his hands and tried to force him to thread the beads (hmmm now let me see would you hold down an NT child and force them to write thier name hmmm). Anyway at that stage even the head teacher said if you hold a child down like that they will kick out backwards as there is nothing else they can do to make you go away.

Point being - with young children - badly managed incidents can escalate into physical behaviour.

[MascaraOHara]

ah I see - thank you. DD will be four when she starts school but is at nursery until then.

[wordgirl]

MascaraOhara, where I live (in West Yorkshire)children start school the September after their 4th birthday. So if they have an August birthday they will only just be 4 when they start (and will therefore only be 3 when they go for any taster days etc).
This was the case for my ds2 and although I did not want him to start school so early we really did not have much choice as sooner or later they have to end up in the "right" year group.

[dream]

4yr old twin boys and a 2yr dd.
I get your point young children do hit and kick each other, but this sounds like a sustained attack. I guess i am just shocked redberrys ds attacked a teacher.

[Cam]

How old are your children, dream?

[dream]

3 year olds esp those almost 4 should know not to hit pinch or kick.
Sometimes if a teacher is stressed out by a given childs behaviour sending to a third party is a sensible response. Presumably the teacher couldn't handle him and 29 other children.

[Enid]

[MascaraOHara]

Sorry to be stupid but when/where do 3 year olds go to school? please don't think that's an attack either I have just never heard of it before.

[Puff]

Of course the teacher should have handled this! The child in question is 3 not 13.

[Heathcliffscathy]

sorry i know i probably shouldn't but am tittering enid...

[Enid]

dream, did you get the bit about the child being 3 years old?

[Heathcliffscathy]

nice supportive post there dream...

[dream]

Dismayed by all the excuses for poor behaviour on these posts. Now I don't have victorian views on childrearing but hitting etc can never be accepted in school. Its easy to blame the school but parents have to take some responsibility. All children have tantrums, yes, but most do not behave in such a violent way. Sending the child to the head sends out a clear message to the child (and the parents) that such strong agression cannot be tolerated. Maybe Redberry should think about strategiesto calm ds down.

[SofiaAmes]

I am a firm believer in spanking and discipline. However, it sounds to me like this was really an ott reaction to your son's behavior.
My dd is very head strong and determined. She is also very obedient. If you said to her you have been naughty and you must get off the trike now, she would immediately obey and understand that she had misbehaved. However, if you pulled her off the bike without telling her what was going on, she would very likely hit out or screech. I don't think her behavior is wrong or spoiled, I just think that she is expecting the same courtesy from an adult that an adult would expect from anyone else. For example, if you had accidentally crossed some sort of a barrier in museum, would you be pleased if the security guard came over and yanked you out of the area without a by your leave? You would expect the security guard to tell you that you were in the wrong area and give you the opportunity of moving before he took more strenuous action. In the case of redberry's son, the teacher had no way of knowing whether his behavior was deliberate and a repeated pattern, indicating deliberate malicious behavior....he had only just been there for the very first time. I think her reaction was rude and inappropriate and completely out of proportion to his behavior. Personally I wouldn't keep my child with that teacher for the upcoming year.

[Jimjams]

TA's receive very little training. One LSA my son had routinely made a cock up of managing his (very challenging) behaviour with nowhere near enough support from the school. It was only after he moved school that I heard the full story.

In this case, as it was a practice day I think the mum should have been called to stay the rest of the session.

[assumedname]

Good idea.

I was one of those who thought it should have been handled better, iyswim.

[flashingnose]

Absolutely - a few people on the thread are teachers or TA's, so I was interested in their input as to what would have been the right way to handle it IYSWIM.

[assumedname]

Sorry, not Fimbo, flashingnose!

[assumedname]

Fimbo - no idea how the TA should have handled it, as I'm not a TA. Presumably they are, or should be trained to handle these situations.

[Fimbo]

At my dd's school, parents stay with the child during taster sessions.