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Original poster

Boarding school - qs for those who have been or who have sent their kids...

74 replies

CountessDracula · 13/10/2004 23:53

Just wondered

If you went, did you like it and why - or did you not like it and if not, why not?

If your children go, why did you send them? And do they like it? If they don't, what do you do about it?

Dh, dbrother and I have been talking about this all night and I would be interested in your views.

OP posts:

Original poster

CountessDracula · 14/10/2004 20:06

How interesting!

My dh and brother both boarded from a young age - I boarded occasionally when my parents were in Australia and HATED it. I felt like a battery hen.

My brother hated it too, got kicked out of several. He just couldn't understand why he had to go away and I got to stay at home.

DH enjoyed it when he was little, he said it was such a larf being with all his mates all the time. He found it too restrictive when older. He also felt it was very unfair that his 2 sisters got to go to day schools yet just because every man in his family since the year dot went to this bloody school he had to go too.

He is plotting his revenge, when his parents get older and too unfirm to cope on their own, he is going to say "remember when I was 7 and you told me I was going off to hang out with lots of people of my own age and have fun? Well off you go" (packs off to local nursing home with not a qualm LOL!!)

I couldn't do it to mine.

OP posts:

SueW · 14/10/2004 22:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

wellsie · 14/10/2004 22:16

DH sent away at the age of 7 just as his Mum had remarried and had a daughter with new husband - NICE!
He hated it and only stuck it for a year, luckily he was allowed to rejoin the family, only to be sent into the Army at 16!!

miggy · 14/10/2004 22:41

ds1 (11) has asked if he can start boarding a few nights after half term. Partly as some of his friends do (one lives 5 mins away from school!) and partly because he has to change schools at the end of yr 8 and is thinking about a school furthur away (this would be his choice not mine).
I am fairly relaxed about it as I went to boarding school for a few years and enjoyed it.
I would however only let him be a weekly boarder, not at somewhere where weekly includes most of saturday.
At the moment he starts at 8.30 and finishes at 6.30 3 nights a week, his choice of day school would finish at 6 or 8pm every night so really wouldnt see him much anyway.
I wouldnt make him though-if he hates it then we change, and very dependant on the child, cant see ds2 being interested at all.

JoolsToo · 15/10/2004 00:23

thats what I mean coddy - how can a mum listen to her dd howling down the phone and not bring her home (no offence to your mum) I deffo could not do it!

marialuisa · 15/10/2004 08:50

Jools-if we were caught crying to our parents (on the phone or after an exeat) they stopped all contact until we were "settled" again.

Maudy · 15/10/2004 17:15

I went to boarding school between the ages of 7-16 as did both my sisters. This was an all girls school that specialised in dance and drama so you can imagine the tantrums that happened there!

I don't know what it's like to go to a normal school so I suppose I can't really compare. The worst thing was we had no social life at all except for each other. At weekends we weren't allowed out of the school grounds, not even down in to the village unless you were in the fifth form. Consequently I made extremely close friends that I am still incredibly close to today.

I couldn't have got through all those years with out bending the rules a bit and yes alcohol and cigarettes did play a large part in that (started smoking at 12 but gave up at 20 ).

I do have very fond memories of my time there and some hilarious moments that I share with old friends, but now that DS1 is approaching 7 my heart breaks at the thought of sending this fragile little boy away. How could I bear to be away from this loving thing that I created, for weeks at a time?

I have really enjoyed reading this thread as it is not often that I meet other people that went to boarding school. All my other friends that I met post school thought I was a freak !!

krocket · 15/10/2004 17:17

sorry if this has been mentioned before but was it like Mallory towers - my favourite books, midnight feasts and exciting adventures

zaphod · 15/10/2004 17:36

I went between 12 and 17. It was co-ed, and I loved it, though I hated always being cold, and the awful food. I have fond memories of sneaking out to meet the boys at night. Once we even went skinny dipping in the pool. It was all quite innocent, but we felt like we were really wild.

Having said that, I wouldn't send mine to boarding school, and I find it hard to believe how young you can send them in the UK. Here in Ireland, boarding schools are secondary.

JoolsToo · 15/10/2004 18:43

marialuisa - that's bloody cruelty

oswald · 18/10/2004 14:40

I went from age 9-16 didnt realise at the time that life wasnt this horrible for everyone it was just my life so I didnt tell my parents I didnt like it because I didnt really know.I also knew that it suited them - messy divorce - that me and my sisters were away. Particular hates - never a moment to yourself, every minute organised for you, petty rules, bullying, constant peer pressure, sadistic house parents who dont give a s* about you. Could you tell many stories of the cruelty of staff and children and the drinks and drugs but wont bore you. Having said that my 2 sisters of more robust nature didnt have so much of a problem with it so must depend on the personality of the child. I'm sure weekly boarding is very different and boarding schools are generally different now. It was very odd going from being surrounded by people 24/7 to knowing nobody where you live.BTW I went to a different one for 6th form which I did enjoy but it all definitely affected my relationship with my parents negatively, I have a reasonable relationship with my mother now but actually will never forgive her for not seeing that this was not the right thing for me. Dad died before I addressed all this but still resent him for it. I am also now an inverted snob although I try not to be, in that if I here of people sending their kids to boarding school I find it very hard not to judge them - unfair and bitter I know but there you go. Basically I dont understand why people have kids if they're send them off as full time boarders - for all the status and privelege in the world that may be bought through this I cant see why one would give up the intimacy of the relationship with your child for this - not a personal attack on anyone just how I feel.

ChicPea · 22/10/2004 23:18

Read this thread with interest as my DH boarded from 8yo and hated it and believes that it would be best for our children now age 2 and 1 probably not at 8 but at 12. Started crying in restaurant when he said this and couldn't stop when I thought of kiddies's little faces and just seeing them during the hols! His view is that I should be unselfish and it is the best thing for the child, etc.
I would appreciate any comments you wish to make.

ChicPea · 22/10/2004 23:19

I have read the negatives, what are the pluses?

handlemecarefully · 22/10/2004 23:43

Chicpea,

Why does your dh think it would be good for your kids if he hated his own experience?

ChicPea · 22/10/2004 23:45

He thinks it will make them independent. I know, it doesn't make sense to me. He is one of four and they all hated it but were sent away at 8.
But I have to say, he wants them to go, but says its entirely up to me. He is just expressing his preference.

handlemecarefully · 22/10/2004 23:57

If he says its entirely up to you then stand your ground and don't let them go. There are plenty of ways of making children grow up to be independent and self reliant other than sending them to boarding school...

ChicPea · 23/10/2004 00:01

It is up to me and there is plenty of time to consider it as they are so young. But my gut reaction is a big NO. What about weekly boarding? Do children enjoy that? Is it the best of both worlds?

bloss · 23/10/2004 00:31

Message withdrawn

ChicPea · 23/10/2004 21:28

Thanks for the sensible words Bloss. Today we completed the application form for DS prep school as they would not put him on their system until he turned 1 which he did last Thursday. It seems odd while he is crawling and very babylike to imagine him as a child in school uniform. Not going to give the boarding idea another thought.

lulupop · 25/10/2004 11:31

Haven't read the entire thread Chicpea but just wanted to add my experience. My parents sent me to boarding school aged 8 as they had to move abroad (dad in army). I thought it wld be all Mallory Towers, but in fact I had a miserable time there as I was mercilessly bullied. I never told my parents as I reasoned what could my mum do about it from thousands of miles away? Of course she is devastated now as they sacrificed a lot to send me and Dbrother there, and she wld have pulled me out in a second had she known.

On a more positive note, I carried on boarding at secondary level. I loved that school and have the happiest of memories. It helped that my parents moved bacl to the UK when I was 14 and ended up nearby, so then I weekly boarded. To be honest, I think that if you go the private route at secondary level, one of the things you're paying for as a range of extra-curricular activities. At my school, even if I'd been a day girl, I'd still have been there till 6pm every day, so sleeping the night was no problem at all.

I really thrived in the boarding environment at my second school and wouldn't hesitate to send my own kids at that stage. But there's no way on earth I would send them to board at prep school. Children at that age can be extremely malicious, and you can't be sure that just because you have a close relationship with your child, he/she will tel you everything that goes on at school. My mum has always been my closest confidante and yet as a little girl I wanted to "protect" her from worrying about me at school. It never occurred to me that she might take me away from the school, although of course that's exactly what she wld have done.

Anyway rambling now, but just some food for thought.

Blackduck · 25/10/2004 11:53

lulupop - I think the 'protection' thing is so true. I know my brother didn't tell my mum and dad how unhappy he was because he knew they were sacrificing a lot for them to go, and that they thought it was for the best...

bakedpotato · 25/10/2004 11:56

me too. didn't say anything because they were i didn't want to worry them...

i think this is very common

Nikkichik · 25/10/2004 14:08

Went to Catholic Convent boarding school from the age of 10-18. Not catholic but Dad in forces and school was popular with his colleagues. He wasn't posted abroad but I guess he could have been at any time and my Mum was at home on her own and not working. in the light of htis I do wonder why I went - was I that much trouble - didn't she miss us? It was almost like 'have to give the girls some sort of education and teach them some humility at the same time but keep them out of the way!' My bro went too and did lots of exciting stuff.
I didn't totally hate it but it was very boring as there were not many extra cirricular activities other than praying!!! I guess it helped me to be more independent and mu Mum always maintains that was one of the reasons for sending me. Surely, there are better ways?

Have a phobia about nuns to this day and had some very weird hangups about sex for a while! - ie. will you still respect me and I will go to hell - I now say, hell, who cares and as for respect from your first shag - well that's asking a bit much really!
Anyhow, that's irrelevant. I personally wouldn't send my kids (and DH is dead against it) away as I wouldn't want to miss what was going on with them but obviously in some circumstances it is necessary. Also, can't afford it anyway!

aloha · 25/10/2004 19:22

Two of my stepdaughter's friends from school have just gone to boarding school(weeklyh) aged 12, having asked to go, and they are utterly, utterly miserable. Being only 12, they couldn't imagine how homesick they would be and how much they would miss their parents and siblings. At weekends they don't do any of their old activities - parties/sleepovers etc because they cannot bear to be parted from their parents. They cry a lot. It's certainly not something I'd contemplate for my kids. I tend to agree with Coddy on this one. Why have a dog and send it to a kennel?

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