If they begged would you let them board?

[morethanpotatoprints]

Ok, just that really.

My child is very happy at home, no issues and we are a very close family who spend most of our time together.

She has made her mind up she is going and nothing will stop her.
I have nothing against boarding schools, but being completely selfish I wouldn't want her to go and hope she changes her mind.

Your thoughts, wwyd.
Tia.

[peteneras]

” Eventually, I came to the conclusion that to be the sort of parent I wanted to be I needed to see my DC most days. . . . more to do with how I viewed my responsibilities to my DC.”

OK, and for the rest of you, the tens of thousands - me included - together with the many thousands of parents from the other side of the globe who send our children to boarding schools here, we are a different species; we don’t need to see our DC most days, our kids are not precious . . . . we do not have any responsibilities to our DC.

Talking about selfishness . . .

[LittleSiouxieSue]

I think people seem to think that you relinquish parental influence and responsibility at a boarding school.... You absolutely do not. It is just not possible for a normal caring parent to hand their child over and not participate in their upbringing. I feel your DD will hold this against you, OP, if she does not get the chance and you may have bumpy teenage years ahead! I don't entirely think it is selfish to keep them at home but you can be a wonderful loving parent and still have a child boarding. I think parents are not there to be doting best friends every day of the week so letting them follow their aspirations, with your guidance, is all part of responsible parenting. You will be giving her a great gift by recognising her needs and letting her go.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Pictures

It was just really an example of her behaviour atm, tomorrow it will be something else.
We also have "How am I supposed to practice with x going on" and several others.
I don't see this as a reason for going with her wishes irrespective of whether it is right or not, but she is certainly pointing it out to me atm.

LittleSiouxie

I know you are right, she would hold it against me, even if it turned out not to be for her, she wants the chance to try.
There is no other way we could afford the lessons she wants as she gets older. Now it is around £60 per week and will be much more once she progresses more, the school is very heavily subsidised and would cost us not much more than a state school, with no extra tuition costs at all.

[happygardening]

I totally agree with peteneras. It is a brave decision to choose to send you much loved DC to a boarding school. Far from shirking our parental responsibilities we are embracing them and accepting that we cannot provide everything our DC's need and that there are others out there who can in some aspects of our children's lives do a better job.
It is also not our children's responsibilities to make us happy. It is our responsibility to assist our DC to grow into well adjusted individuals who are equipped to take on all life's up and downs, form meaningful relationships with others and be decent citizens, hopefully have children of their own and bring them up to be the same and of course so much more.
We all parent in different ways no one parent can claim he or she is right, what works for my DC and myself may not work for you and yours, we also all have different priorities at different phases of our DC's childhood.

[LittleSiouxieSue]

So..... Off she goes then... Dilemma solved. She can always change her mind if she doesn't like it. I bet she will though.

[DowntonTrout]

And just to say, there is a lot to be said for being at a school where all around you have the same ethos,interests and work ethics. Instead of being one in a school who is different.
If you are musical, to be immersed in music is a wonderful thing.

[grovel]

When my DS was full boarding he still slept under our roof 30% of the time (holidays, exeats, half-terms etc). I thought that was plenty in terms of conveying our values, understanding him etc.(particularly as we could talk on the phone, Skype, email every day if we wanted).

[Theas18]

Little missmorethan certainly is letting you know how she feels isn't she lol.

[DeWe]

DD2 wants to board. In Austria or Switzerland. Preferably at the Chalet School.

We can't afford to even consider it, maybe if I'd called her Josephine Mary Maynard they'd have offered her a scholarship.

I'm not sure she'd like the reality and she would be dropping some of her extra-curriculum activities she loves too.

[DalmationDots]

Cost issue aside, I'd let them flexi board or weekly board once they are 15/16. Earlier if there were issues or real reasons that boarding would be far more beneficial than day school.
Having grown up with an at times very rocky childhood which then smoothed out, for me, family life and time is not replaceable. When you loose it, you realise how precious it is and how comforting it is.
I remember how difficult it was for me when I was 18, and was for DD 2 years ago, to go off to uni (both to unis with college style/v supported halls). I wouldn't want DD to go through the challenges and emotions it can draw up earlier than 16. (I can see the benefit of weekly boarding for sixth form to prepare for uni in a supported and gradual way).
I also remember the friends I met at uni who had boarded from 11. They were so independent it almost made me sad and none of them could understand the close bond I had with my mum (not saying none of them were close to their mothers, but there seemed to be a difference). I felt like they'd grown up too fast.

Every family is different though :)

[Kenlee]

I have just sent my daughter to board. She loves it...Although I have to admit she has a lot of new friends. We live 7000 miles away....

Downside she is too busy to talk to you even at weekends. So be prepared to lose some of the doting closeness ......

Tango works great as does Skype....The only problem is getting her on.So you can talk with her.....

[happygardening]

Dalmation uni's with supported style halls are not like boarding schools at all. I have no doubt that those children you met when you went to Uni were more independent as they would be now but I don't see independence in day to day life at 18 as anything but a positive.
"None of them could understand the close bond I had with my mum"
Not only have my DS's boarded from a young age so have many of my friends DS's, all get on well with their parents and a close bond is very obvious. This close bond that exists in our family is frequently commented upon by others including perhaps most interestingly children who've never boarded. In contrast my best friend never boarded and there is no bond between child and parents and there never has been.
Boarding has also changed especially in the last 10-15 years, most schools encourage much more involvement of parents, as Kenlee said above technology allows regular communication between parent and child; no longer are mob phones routinely taken away, even full boarding schools allow children home on Sunday and as said above holidays are very long. In 2013 many parents work long hours and I would rather my DS's were looked after by trained dedicated staff surrounded by friends with a myriad of activities than au pairs or child minders. I also wouldn't want my DS's commuting from an early age for an 1-1 1/2 hours before and after school.
It is a personal choice there will always be those who it doesn't work for and I can understand why people think it's wrong but few making these criticisms have any current experience.

[DalmationDots]

happygardening I guess I made assumptions. I have experience of boarding via previously working in a boarding school. I guess I've seen it from a different angle from those with children boarding, those who boarded themselves and those who have no experience.
I agree uni halls are not like boarding schools at all, but the feelings a child can experience going off to board can be pretty similar to a student going to uni for the first time. I agree independence is important, but the girls I knew would go weeks without calling home and not even think anything of it. BUT i recognise things have changed, boarding schools are no doubt very different now.
I have nothing wrong with boarding, it just wouldn't suit my DC, before age 16, or my image of how I want my family to be based on what I missed out on in some of my childhood. But I know for other families, it suits them perfectly and can even improve bonds between parents and children.

[happygardening]

Dalmation so much depends on how we as parents view boarding if we're sending our children off in fear and trepidation seeing it as entirely negative then our children will quickly pick up on this and feel the same. But if we as parents see it as a positive life changing experience and also that we will support them all the way and that we are only on the end of the phone/skype/what's app etc then IME experience our children will go off and make the most of it. I work with children from all backgrounds including boarders the vast majority who are severely estranged from their parents are not boarders, what boarding can't always do is heal any existing rift between parents/family although I have seen it work wonders for children who have issues at home and especially for those with over protected over hovering mothers who won't allow their children to grow up and become their own person. Boarding can definitely provide a normal life of many.

[chauffeurmummy]

In some ways boarding can bring you closer together as a family as when you are home everyone makes the effort to spend time together. As a teenager I definitely spent more quality time with my parents than some of my day pupil friends, I think if you are home everyday but everyone's busy then quality time can be difficult to come by. If you are only home for holidays then it focusses things! It is a different dynamic but Its not worse at all!! I am incredibly close to my parents and although yes I am independent, even now in my late thirties I visit 'home' a lot more than most people I know who don't live in the same town as their family.

I think it's harder for parents than the children though - at the beginning of term it's the mothers who are reaching for the tissues as they wave goodbye! I hate the thought of my dd going (she's too little at the moment!) - but I know that when she's older if she wants too then I'll let her. I couldn't deprive her of a wonderful experience and I am 100% sure that if our relationship changes, then it will only get stronger.

[happygardening]

I frequently hear or read parents of day children moaning that their child is around too much during the summer holidays or they can't wait for holidays to end or at a loss to know what to do with them. I never feel like this I count down to all holidays and exeats and am sad when he goes back. We have quality time together just being a family and doing normal family things.

[teacherwith2kids]

As with many areas of education, the questions around boarding are about 'what is available without boarding' as much as they are about the boarding school itself.

In the OP's case, a full-time boarding music (?) school may well offer things that simply cannot be created without the boarding element.

I recognise this, as as an 11 year old I was sent to boarding school with a full scholarship because, at that point, my parents could see no alternative route to give me the highly academic education that I needed [had they looked into their crystal ball, and seen my siblings, both of whom attended the local ex-SM-just-turned-comp, going on to Oxbridge, they might have made a different decision - but hindsoght is a wonderful thing.]

It is very difficult when a child's needs are highly specialised and one lives a long way from high quality day provision. DD dances, and we are very lucky in that we have an excellent non-vocational dance school in walking distance, which she can attend umpteen hours a week while attending a normal state school and from which many 18 year olds go on to vocational colleges. If we lived elsewhere, we might have had to look at vocational boarding in order to be able to access the same quality of teaching and future prospects.

[TooBusyByHalf]

No. I wouldn't look at boarding schools anyway and I don't want them to and they're not going to. Maybe for sixth form if there was a really good reason (eg some kind of specialism not available locally). Trouble is once you've looked at the school and she's had the idea I can see how it would be hard to say no - which is one reason why we wouldn't even go to an open day.
Only have to look at my brother and all the other fucked up 40+ men out there to see why.

[teacherwith2kids]

Another thought.

I would investigate pastoral care and safeguarding VERY carefully. In 'specialised' schools for areas such as music or dance that are very competitive anyway, concentrating driven young people, and often 1 to 1 tuition by adults, into a single institution 24 / 7 can lead to some fairly unhealthy dynamics. It needs exceptional pastoral care and support to manage the effects of that.

[DalmationDots]

happygardening
I frequently hear or read parents of day children moaning that their child is around too much during the summer holidays or they can't wait for holidays to end or at a loss to know what to do with them.

This is a good point and I hear this often too.
I think this is not necessarily directly due to going to a day school, more that the child hasn't particularly got hobbies they want to persue, the parents can't afford camps or holidays, the children are used to parents always organising things and so don't know how to entertain themselves etc etc. the list goes on!
For me, part of family life is that you have both quality time packed full of things to do and catching up, as well as family time where you are all doing different things or just peacefully enjoying lazy weekends, catching up on homework or doing rainy day type things. You can turn the argument round that 'running out of exciting things to do' can be a good thing!
Think this has gone off the boarding/day opinions and more to family life. IMO the potential of children being around too much in holidays or not having enough to entertain them with can apply to both boarding and day parents.

[happygardening]

Toobusy I now really only work with children but spent some 20 years working with adults again from all back grounds. I've met some seriously "fucked up" people of all ages not one in my memory remember stated that boarding was the cause.

[JammieMummy]

Just to wade in I have one friend who was forced to board from the age of 8, father in the military and the family moved around a lot, she was literally given no choice. She was badly bullied due to undiagnosed learning difficulties and ended up being held back a year. At secondary she had the choice of WHICH boarding school she was going to attend from a list of 3. There was never any question that it would be a boarding school.

Recently she was saying that going to boarding school has severely effected her ability to form relationships; I disagreed and after a long discussion she agreed with me. It was nothing to do with the school and everything to do with feeling that her family didn't want her or love her enough for her to live at home. Even though logically she knew their lifestyle meant boarding school was the only reasonable option she could never shake the feeling that if they loved her properly her parents would have found a way around it.

That massive long waffle is to make the point that it is not boarding schools, per se, which cause the issues in adults but the reasons you were sent there and if your opinion was taken into account. You should never force a child to board but if they are happy and want to go, it is a completely different story.

[noteventhebestdrummer]

It's not necessary to board to get the best from a specialist music school. I have ex-pupils who attended the one in Manchester as day pupils.
At that school your DD would need to go as an instrumentalist in Y7, not a singer, yes?

[Picturesinthefirelight]

It depends on distance. Dd is currently commuting each day to her school she heaves at 7.30am & gets back at 7.45pm. It dies mean we arnt ferrying her to umpteen dance classes but she does have to go to bed early each night & so struggles to fit homework in.

Boarding would be less tiring for her. However there are a couple if children who only live about half an hour away from the school for whom it works fine.

During performance/rehearsal weeks we may book a travelodge.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Noteven

Yes that's the one, singing not until 6th form, but lots of choirs to join, they just won't train the voice.

We are only an hour away, but the fact they start at 8.00 and finish at 600pm on a normal day would mean her leaving at 5.30 and arriving home at 8.00 a very long day.
Driving there would take even longer/earlier start and later home.
Then there are concerts of course, and homework.
It just seemed a good idea to consider boarding.

Pictures
A Travelodge, I hadn't considered that one.
I forget now is your dd at H?
I was raised about an hour from the area, don't think it existed all those years ago. If it is the area is so beautiful, lots to see and do.