Boarding school parents support forum?

[Merlinswife]

I have a friend whose two children are now boarders and she's feeling a bit cut off. I wondered if there was a forum she could join- like MN- but for parents of children who do termly boarding?

[Honestyisbest]

I suspect there are lots of strategies for tackling disorganisation! especially if it relates to late prep! But I think the new girls are really helped with this. I notice there are lots of rewards for being tidy, helpful, tidiest dorm etc. So that probably encourages organisation if your child responds to positive reinforcement!
I did notice that the older girls room were nearly all very tidy and the housemistress said that the girls learn to respect the space that they are sharing and so if they are really messy the other girls will have a moan. Once the girls are settled late prep results in sanctions. I guess you soon learn then.
There is a huge amount of kit/uniform to look after, but they absolutely insist on name labelling for everything so I guess lost property is probably less of an issue than ay my (oh so disorganised) DSs day school.
All those other qualities you mentioned will stand her in good stead.

[PeriPathetic]

Thank you for the reassurances I think it's something her peers will be able to persuade her to do while us parents can't get through to her.

[yotty]

Peri, I wouldn't worry about being disorganised. My DS is mildly dyspraxic and to me seems completely useless at being organised at home. He has lost various items at school but somehow manages to muddle his way through. I asked his friends once what they thought of him and to my surprise they said he was 'really sensible and organised'! Sometimes kids seem to walk through the school gates and 'step up to the plate' and get it together when they have to. He's not at boarding school yet, but I am growing in confidence that he will survive, as I am sure your DD will too.

[happygardening]

The good thing about boarding school is that generally the daily routine is very structured and also samish and this definitely helps the disorganised. DS1 full boarded from 8yr old to 13yrs old is hopelessly disorganised but everyday at boarding school is the same story.
At DS2 senior school boys are expected to be very self motivated and exceedingly organised. There is lots of prep and expectations are exceedingly high the disorganised quickly fall behind hand in prep late and fail to keep on top of revising for weekly tests etc. They are helped/encouraged to develop these skills but I suspect an innate organisational ability and self motivation/drive is also probably an essential requirement.
But I suspect the super selective whether they be day or boarding require these skills if a child is to thrive.

[Honestyisbest]

I think happygardening is right that you have to consider the particular boarding school. You would quickly start drowning in prep at DSs school if you don't keep on top of things. As I say though lots of help available in the first year. Also lots of prep sessions during the week, but an expectation that you will plan and hand in work in the order you need to to meet deadlines. My Ds is 11 yo so could be tricky for some. Girls also communicate with the teachers by email so I guess as long as you communicate with your teachers and ask for help they will be sympathetic if you start to struggle. All good lessons to learn anyway.

[grovel]

OK, for once I'm going to disagree with HG (who generally makes tons of sense).

My DH is disorganised. So is my son (now 21). My DH was at Radley, my DS was at Eton. DH was beaten at school for being shambolic. DS was rebuked and gated.

Most of my real friends are generally untidy and don't care. They run happy, informal homes and are annoyingly successful.

Somehow there is a section of society who make it without having apparently tidy minds. It's a mystery to me.

I do see that both my DH and DHS do brilliant work at the last minute. Late "thank-you" letters will be cherished by recipients because they are funny and to the point. I think DH and DS subconciously work on stuff until they are ready/deadline time and think "better late than never". It drives me nuts but it's not the end of the world.

[happygardening]

I personally am "generally untidy and don't care" and a fully paid up life long member of the lastminute.com brigade as in DS1 and DH but DS2 at Winchester is highly organised driven and OBSESSIVELY TIDY there was this moment just after he was born where he went one one and we went the other and we've always wondered......... He is ultimately perfect for boarding but many many are not like him and thrive although may spend th first year working out what is actually required of them.

[PeriPathetic]

Haha! DD is a product of two extremes: me = incredibly untidy, laid back, disorganised by nature but able to pull it together in a scarily effective fashion in times of need. Usually just before everything goes wrong / deadline is due.

DH = obsessively neat & tidy, a bit uptight, unable to let anything go.
Basically, I think he's made DD the way she is because he won't let her get on with it and learn her own methods. He micro-manages everything she does. Everything. Drives me mad, and I can't stand the arguments between them any more

Oversharing here... anywayyyy...

DH told MIL about DD boarding yesterday - she did not take it well; which is odd because she sent him to board Anyway, none of her business.

This school will be SO good for DD in every way. I'm not hoping for the moon on a stick, I will be happy if they just manage to relight her fire which has nearly been totally stomped out by schools here.

[Amber2]

HG.

This is what worries me. DS is strong academically but disorganized and needs prompting so really wondering if boarding would suit ..though perhaps he will improve by 13 ..if I felt he could better organize himself then E or W would be top of my list though I would still have a hard time with full boarding vs weekly.

[Amber2]

Grovel how did your DS fare generally at Eton since he sounds a bit like mine? How often were you able to see him outside of exeats and holidays?

[Amber2]

Grovel

Actually looking back to your previous post I think the question of how often you see your DS is answered...now wondering if easier to see a DS or have him home certain weekends is easier at E than at W where HG's DS is.

[happygardening]

Amber" a mother who very recently looked at Winchester was told that
"the boys who come here need to be well organised and self sufficient from the off"
when we looked at Eton I felt that boys had to be exceedingly organised from day 1 as I believe unlike most schools there is no fixed period for prep and they do it in their own rooms which are of course single so plenty of opportunity for looking out of the window/daydreaming etc etc. From reading the comments made on MN by colleger whose son has just started at Eton she feels its quite a harsh grown up environment where the boys are treated like 6th formers and mistakes are not necessarily tolerated and a huge jump from a nice kind prep school. I personally believe this is inevitable to get the sort of exam results both schools are now wanting their pupils to achieve combined with the expectation that their pupils will participate in a wide variety of extra curricular activities and of course the many other activities that they are expected to attend as part of a normal week at school can only really be done if you are super organised and a self starter. It might be worth you looking at boarding schools with separate houses for first years e.g. Bradfield or Bryanston certainly from talking to a friends with a DS at Bryanston he has been given a lot of help and supervision with organising himself. Both I believe are primarily weekly boarding and from what understand Bryanston provides excellent transport into London especially south west London.
Finally I do believe boys at Eton are allowed home more often from talking to a friends her DS is allowed home on Saturday night.

[grovel]

Amber, my DS was initially allowed only to sleep at home over exeats/half-terms. After GCSEs he got two more Saturday nights per term. We live close to the school and took him out for Sunday lunch more often than not. We quite often watched him play matches on Saturdays.

He was very happy at Eton and very busy (low-level sport, lots of music, some drama). I happen to think that busy teenagers are happy teenagers (less time for any adolescent angst). He acquired just enough self-discipline to get along but I'm sure a lot of his work was very last-minute. Without being any kind of scholar he managed to get all As and A*s at GCSE, A/S and A level so clearly he and the school got there somehow.

His house had a "quiet hour" every weekday evening. It often coincided with societies etc but the rule was that boys in the house during that hour had to be in their rooms (admittedly they could be day-dreaming).

[difficultpickle]

Isn't there a possibility that they will become more organised once at boarding school as they fit in to the routine? Ds has boarded for a term (anything between 3 and 5 nights a week) and I've noticed the change in his organisation. He just seems to come home and get on with things whereas pre-boarding he needed a lot of prompting and reminding.

[grovel]

Yes, bisjo, my DS definitely became more organised - but only to survival level. Probably more than he would have done at home though.

[Amber2]

Thanks all I will look to keep the boarding and day options in mind as I see how DS develops but nothing you have said surprises me...the single room at Eton from Day 1 is something that concerns me.....though part of me also thinks boarding may be making of DS if he could get into the routine and may make better organized as he will realize consequences pretty soon if he is not. Another part of me wants to keep my hand in and it is a bit hard to let go!

[peteneras]

Well, I?m afraid I?ll have to differ from you ladies whose DC are wonderfully organised. DS is about the most disorganised chap as far as housekeeping is concerned, quite unlike his highly organised parents. His boarding house at Eton was like his second home, always wanting to go back early and the very last to leave during exeats and term holidays. It?s a case of first in, last out. I could be waiting for more than an hour for him to come down after everyone had left. No, he didn?t want any of us to be in his room because he didn?t want us to see the mess. But somehow, he did seem to get things done - at the last second, though I understand the maid(s) had had a big hand in this.

[peteneras]

". . . their own rooms which are of course single so plenty of opportunity for looking out of the window/daydreaming etc" [ HG ]

And this is the very window from where DS did all his day dreaming! Here he is taking a last view before he left for good. The mess has all been cleared and it?s goodbye Eton!

This is what he would be viewing from his window [[http://postimage.org/image/78q3tnxwp/

in summer]] - the Masters? quarters. Look the other way and [[http://postimage.org/image/4og6ne2gv/
this]] comes to view. In winter, the Masters? accommodation would look something like this, a fantastic view to while your day dreams away.

[dapplegrey]

Lovely photos, peteneras. I wish I'd thought of doing that.

Here is my tip for boarding school parents:
If you live more than 15 minutes away, when you collect your dc for exeats or end of term, bring a small picnic. The children are usually tired and hungry and therefore bad tempered and it's amazing what a couple of cold sausages, a choc biscuit and a piece of fruit can do to lift the mood and prevent the hols from starting off with an argument!

[happygardening]

Dapple you're right always hungry and tired (luckily for us not arguementative) we used to make it to the M and S on the A34/M4 before my DS would say "Im starving can we stop and get something to eat?" recently we're only making it to the petrol station a couple of hundred yards away.
I'm not saying the disorganised shouldn't go to boarding school but from talking to the staff/children who I work withow and who board being disorganised can mean that it takes longer to settle and may struugle initially particularly if the academic expectations are very high from the moment they walk in the door. I've also found some who've been to boarding prep have been very molicodled and although not actually home sick find the freedom at senior boarding school all rather new and exciting!!

[wheresthegin]

They are fed sufficiently at school though aren't they??

[difficultpickle]

Don't know about senior schools but ds eats very well indeed at his boarding prep. Three cooked meals a day, homemade cakes after school before prep and custard creams and jammie dodgers for morning break. In fact I struggle to keep up with his demands for similar food at home

[happygardening]

We usually pick up just before lunch time so the next round of eating is due. Also they're teenage boys are they're ever "sufficiently" fed?

[dapplegrey]

Happygardening - exactly that, they are picked up at lunchtime, and as you say most teenage boys are usually starving!
According to my ds the food wasn't great but they were certainly sufficiently fed.

Although I have no medical evidence for this theory Ive always thought that the vileness of the food at my boarding school many many moons ago is why I've never put on weight. Frankly the food there would have provoked a riot in a Victorian workhouse, and I only ever ate the barest minimum. I've never had a large appetite since.

[difficultpickle]

I think it is sad to read that food at some boarding schools may not be up to much. I find it reassuring that ds loves the food he has at school. It is all part of the experience and if I had to have food everyday that was not very nice then I would struggle (and do struggle on business trips to some more remote places where food is very poor quality).