I’m not sure why this is happening

[Worryingaboutthis]

I was a fussy eater as a child and ate small portions. I’ve always found large amounts of food off putting.

As a teen and young adult I was skinny and constantly asked/accused of having an eating disorder.

I mentioned this to dh early in our relationship and he laughed hard at the idea and it sort of broke the spell for me. We enjoy food together, could be healthier but overall we’re fairly normal.

But I was back in my childhood home recently for what was supposed to be a few hours but ended up being a couple of days. I made a sandwich, realised the ham was a week out of date and decided not to risk it.

And then I struggled to eat. I had to cook for my parent and normally would have cooked enough for two and ate together. But I didn’t, because I told myself I’d order in, but I didn’t do that either.

Popped out to the shops in the morning, to buy ham, and picked up a few other bits including apple turnovers. I couldn’t manage to eat anything other than a slice of ham (on its own, no sandwich) and the apple turn overs.

When I left to go home, I intended stopping for a takeaway somewhere nearby, but then I decided I’d get one nearer to home (an hour away), and then I was too tired so I went home thinking I’d eat there, but I went to bed.

And since then I’ve just struggled. I’m hungry, I know I need to eat, but I can’t think of anything I want. My throat tightens up, and I don’t bother. I’m living on crackers, chocolate, coffee and the odd takeaway.

I’m still cooking dinners for my family, and prepping lunches. Handling food isn’t a problem.

In the supermarket the other day I was trying to think of quick, easy snacks to buy for myself but nothing was appealing.

I know this doesn’t fit with real eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia but I was hoping someone might have advice. I’m not sure where to turn - it doesn’t seem worth taking up time on an eating disorder helpline. I don’t think my gp can do anything. It will probably pass in time.

I feel really ashamed of this and I don’t want to talk about it irl. It’s too close to the teasing/bullying when I was younger and it feels a bit raw.

Any thoughts?

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

Was your home life very stressful? It could be that being back there reminded you of things you've more or less put out of your mind for the last few years, especially as it sounds like what led you to being there wasn't planned or a particularly good thing.

[Notthissticky]

Sounds more like an anxiety/ phobia than an eating disorder I'd say (but I am most certainly not an expert or even particularly knowledgeable). Are you afraid the food will make you feel unwell? Does the thought of vomiting upset you more than "it's unpleasant and nobody likes it"

[Worryingaboutthis]

I’m sure a therapist would make a fortune out of me unpicking my childhood/home life. There were issues with cleanliness, bad cooking and forced eating so I’m a bit surprised I don’t have a proper disorder after all that.

I think what perplexes me is that it feels like my mind is playing tricks on me. I keep finding excuses not to eat, but I don’t feel like I’m actually in control. I know that makes no sense but it’s like a deeper hidden part of my mind is tricking my conscious mind - like me deciding to get something to eat on the way home, then closer to home, then going home to eat, but going to bed instead.

I’m not consciously worried of being unwell or vomiting. Even when I was deciding not to eat the ham, it looked and smelled fine and I knew I was probably being over cautious. It would have been bloody inconvenient if I’d got ill because there would have been no one to look after my dm.

Deciding not to eat in my dm’s house is not entirely unreasonable but normally it doesn’t bother me too much. But this seems to have ballooned beyond that.

[crumblebug]

Going back to an environment that has caused us stress/trauma, particularly around food, can cause us to regress. Something similar happens to me when I eat with my parents. It sounds like you've just got back into a bad habit - but you can definitely break out of it.

Is your DH around at the moment? Seems like he had a really positive impact on your feelings about eating/food

Have a look at some recipe books or recipes online together and try cooking something new

[Smartiepants79]

I can’t be much help I’m afraid but I just wanted to suggest to try and think of some easily swallowed, higher calorie foods that you can eat while you settle back down and hopefully the problem resolves, at least for now.
Maybe even things like complan which I’ve used when my anxiety is making it hard for me to eat proper food.
I would then suggest some proper therapy of some kind if you’ve not had any before.

[Peanutmnm]

I've had this, and I absolutely adore food usually. For me, it came along with an acute anxiety crisis. I lost 5kg in a week, it was frightening. But I couldn't put food in my mouth. As typically happens with extreme anxiety, it would ease off by the evening and I'd finally be able to override it some evenings and eat like normal. I'm pretty sure that what was happening was adrenaline, so fight or flight, in complete override and your body's reaction to extreme adrenaline is to purge all food. So vomiting, diarrhoea and as I experienced, a complete inability to get food down my throat. Please be aware that the adrenaline was not like you'd imagine. It wasnt like panic. I couldn't actually feel it. I'm telling you this because it may be that you have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder as happened with me. Something seems to have triggered you in your parents. I think you should discuss with a GP and see if they can uncover the root of this. You may have other symptoms that you haven't actually acknowledged. Some of mine were random diarrhoea, nausea at times, loss of coordination in my hands, foggy feeling in my head and muddled memory, tiredness, difficulty motivating myself, and unreal insomnia.

Just so you know, I am now extremely well and happy and calm, and eating completely normally again, I slowly got back to being able to eat over 3-4 weeks. My treatment was CBT, sertraline (still taking it) and initially I also had proprananol, sleeping tablets for 6 weeks and diazapam (never took it).

[WorriedMillie]

It definitely sounds trauma related, OP

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

That makes absolute sense - you were put back in a place for days where you remember not being able to trust the food and being at risk of violence if you didn't eat it. I think that it being for days rather than the expected hours is why it's come home with you.

I know that when I was in a similar situation, it took ages to even feel 'clean' again, never mind eating normally.


How about trying the following?

1. Good long bath/shower so that you're completely refreshed.

1. Having some carefully chosen, small foods with good flavour to try and stimulate your appetite again?

The sort of thing that helps me are things that I would never have encountered where I grew up.


So, rather than a sandwich, I'd go for something 'ridiculously insta-friendly' - things that looked pretty and had very clear flavours -

Figs grilled with goats cheese, balsamic vinegar and a beetroot and rocket salad.

Duck breast on salad with a dressing made with rice vinegar, rice bran oil, fresh orange juice and thyme, using a little of the dressing in the pan at the end to make a slightly sticky but highly flavoured sauce.

Fruit salad - strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, pineapple, nectarine, passionfruit - with thick coconut yoghurt and some granola on top.

Smoothies.

Chilli garlic prawns on salad or with rice and edamame beans.

Lemon and chilli chicken thighs on rice with roasted Mediterranean veg.

Chicken roasted over fresh rhubarb and thyme with potatoes and steamed veg.



So stuff that was so far removed from the dubious things I'd had as a kid that it made it really clear that I wasn't that kid anymore, really. And once you have a taste of stuff that's pretty and intensely flavoured, it seems to trigger the 'food is great' reaction again.

Could that be something worth trying?

[Worryingaboutthis]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. There’s a lot to think about. Lots of things resonating.
It’s helped to put it out here and take a look at it.
I’m feeling utterly exhausted now so going to get a good nights sleep as a start.