Planned pregnancy with Ex

[SeaFlowers]

Hello everyone,
I have a strong wish to become a mother and I am already 30 years old. Because of medical reasons which I cannot disclose right now it is much better to get pregnant now for me. Also I don't know how long I will be able to be fertile in the future. Right now I am in a relationship with my partner, but we already know that it is going to end soon, because it doesn't work for us. I am thinking about other options such as sperm donation (really expensive) and private donation. I brought the topic up and my until now partner said we can have a child together as friends. So my partner is willing to donate their sperm. In this scenario I would be a single mother, which I would be anyways because I am not going to date any men in the future. Either I will have a family with another woman or become single mother and then get in another relationship with a woman. My parents support the idea of becoming a single mother. But I am not sure what the effect would be to have a child with my Ex on my mental health and also on the child. My partner said he will be there for the child and visit like once or twice a year. The role would be like of a uncle which is fine with me. My partner said that financially they would contribute as well. We didn't discuss everything yet although.

[Dogtooth]

You're in a relationship with a man who uses they, but want to be in relationships only with women in future, but the man would give you sperm to have a child the man would barely see but your parents would help. And you want to do this because you have medical issues and you're 30.

To be honest, it sounds like a mess. Nothing against being non-binary or lesbian but ideally to have a baby you need to be in a stable place and have your head and living situation sorted a bit more than you do currently. Yes, people have babies all the time in messy situations and they make do, but there's also the risk of it being very hard in terms of money and mental health. A vague commitment on money from your soon to be ex might not be enough!

As PP have said, all of your post is about why you want a baby, not looking at it from the baby's point of view. Are you able to offer a stable home to a baby? That's the most important question. If you're not, in all honesty you should not have one.

[ZeldaWillTellYourFortune]

How is this even remotely fair to the prospective child/new human being? Wouldn't it be better to either find yourself a stable, authentic relationship and marriage, or just do without being a parent, than to bring an innocent third party into a botched situation from Day One? With a big mystery surrounding its parentage?

It's a human being whose circumstances will have ramifications for itself and others for roughly the next 100 years. Not a toy. Hold out for better.

[showersandsun]

I agree with @Persipan really. You need to be very cautious.

Think about the reasons you want this child and what kind of childhood you would be giving them. What would it be like to BE this child, do you think? Would it be a good life?

It sounds like there will be someone on the scene (or not?) who is their father and is (or isn't?) going to be particularly involved (remains to be seen?) All very vague. Children need their parents and they need stability and predictability, not someone who shows up once or twice a year and is their dad but is sort of an uncle actually? Does that sound OK to you, imagining you are in this child's shoes?

He 'said he will be there for the child and visit like once or twice a year' and some vague statement about financially contributing.

Do you think he will actually follow through on that for 18 years? Vague statements are not good enough. This is a child's life you are talking about - you need commitment and something solid.

Also worth considering that if you do this, you tie yourself to him for another 18 years, minimum. So if you have relationship issues now, then it's probably not a good idea to have his child.

I don't mean to be judgemental and I am going through infertility myself so I know how painful it is. But I think this needs some deep reflection and ask yourself, what kind of life do you foresee for this child?

I would consider going down the sperm donor route - yes it's expensive, but having a child is expensive. You are only 30 so you can save up for a few years and do it properly, and have clarity for yourself and your child. That would be my advice. Sorry if it's a bit direct. I wish you the best.

[Persipan]

I would advise lots of caution over this. (And over 'private donation', come to that.) Your soon-to-be-ex could, at some point in the future, change his mind about the kind of relationship he wants to have with his child and you could end up with a very different arrangement to the one being proposed now, and one you may not be comfortable with.

When I set out to consider becoming a solo parent by choice, I used to also look at the general 'single parents' forums to see what insight I could gain - and it was quickly very apparent that many of the challenges for solo parents who didn't start out that way relate to their ex. Many, many, many. Issues around non-payment of maintenance, around different parenting styles, around access arrangements... And none of those posters really expected to be in that position; they had a family with someone they thought they could trust, and then things changed.

I'm certainly not opposed to solo parenting by choice - I'm doing it! - but to me, the clarity offered by sperm donation is really valuable, and worth the cost of treatment.

[MissIvy86]

I did this with an ex of mine because I was going through something mentally and health wise and didn’t know if I wanted to date or commit to a relationship but I wanted another child, and I agreed to it. My son doesn’t know that he’s the dad but thinks he’s one of my best mates, even though they do look a lot alike sometimes. The dad contributes financially still (the son is 16 now).
ive since had more kids and remain single and independent, mostly through choice and I’m completely fine with that.