Secondary infertility and egg donation

[Ellsiedodah]

I've come to learn I will be quite lucky to conceive again, with an amh of 1.1 and low follicle count. We have abandoned plans for ivf and will do iui for a year as much as we can manage but we are also now thinking about donor egg conception.

But im uncomfortable with it at this first moment of thinking about it and wondered whether others have gone through the research, the counselling etc and could shed any more light on it?

I'm uncomfortable because I worry that child would feel inferior to my existing child in some way. I'm uncomfortable because I have read of young women really regretting their decision to donate and I also worry that a human born of egg donation is denied the right to know their genetic heritage.

And yet I'm aching for a sibling for my 2.5 year old.

Would anyone be kind enough to share how they have reconciled these challenges?

[Overseas80]

Hello!

We’re in the same situation, we have a naturally conceived child and tried for siblings. We pursued ED after 3 failed IVFs with own eggs during 2020.
We were recommended ED and had several second opinions on our journals. So we said would look into options and explore and for each step of the journey we kept saying yes and took the next one - next call, next examination, next donor match, etc.

It was by no means an easy route, and we’re now in 2ww on our second FET (transfer 23/12).
I can only say that for us we made a decision to have siblings and extending the family was more important than the “how”. But it has been so many tears, grief and sadness and it’s a long process to get here mentally. Maybe it’s always going to stay with us. But we’re positive and hoping for a baby! The urge is such a strong driver! We really want another baby and a sibling for our daughter. And we want this to work so bad.

I just wanna say that ED might not be the “magical solution” as it’s just as hard when it doesn’t work, if not harder as it’s “supposed to work” when navigating infertility. Our first ED FET failed and it was devastating.

My tips is set up some ground rules with your partner on how many attempts you will do. What’s important in the process and the donor for you. Read about it, like Definingmum IG account which is beautiful. And know you can always opt out and say no if you’re not ready or don’t want to do it once you’re in.

The longer Im in the process, I find I think less about the donor and less about the genetics. I don’t care about that as much as I thought I would, which is a relief! Epigenetics and a great donor match will help us hopefully in our external contacts for those who won’t know about it (even though if we get pregnant and had a donor baby, we would tell her/him).
But the baby will be raised with all the love and affection, as the big sister is. I cannot in my heart or mind imagine any difference in raising them equally loved. The rest will work itself out as different children needs different things as all siblings do.

The ED process and meds are easier on the body and mind than IVF (for me).

As for anonymous / open donor it’s all about which country you pursue the process. In many Nordic countries it’s open donors by law. The donator babies can find the bio-person who donated when they turn 18. Men have been donating sperm for decades, and lots of adults today are donor conceived.

Start the conversation with a clinic. Trust your feelings. You will know if it’s a no or go.

I wish you the best of luck! I have been in exactly your shoes. I know the dilemma.

[greendress789]

Great post @Overseas80, I feel the same as you ❤️

[Overseas80]

It’s not easy, (nothing regarding infertility is I find) but hopefully worth it. Right?! 💓 Good luck with your next step! ❤️

[Mrswalliams1]

I have twins as a result of ED. After 3 failed rounds of IVF, a miscarriage and very little hope of succeeding with my own eggs we decided that ED was right for us. Having a child for us was more important than how they came about. When they were born it played on my mind that they were ED babies but as they've got older I rarely think about and they are such a joy that we are certain we made the right decision. Good luck

[Ellsiedodah]

Happy new year @Overseas80. Thanks very much for taking the time to share all of that. I wish you all the best with this cycle. Fingers and toes crossed for you x

[Ellsiedodah]

@Mrswalliams1 thanks so much for sharing. Because I have a biological son already my concern is the child's perspective in that scenario rather than mine really but im sure if sensitively handled most kids would grow up able to handle it themselves. So glad all worked out for you. Happy new year! X

[Overseas80]

❤️ what a lovely success story! I’m glad to hear it.

[Overseas80]

Thank you! Wishing the best to you in your decision. I recognise many of these thoughts and these are all popping up at one stage in the process.

I think from a child’s perspective it will very much depend on if you tell the children and how you as parents deal with it. Each child will have their story and you can decide what the narrative is for your ED child.

I have never heard or read of anyone regretting their decision as for many it’s an altruistic decision. Hopefully this is not too big of a problem with EDs.

It’s not too uncommon situation with secondary infertility and ED conceived children, and there are many support groups, also on Instagram. There is also many books on opening up these stories for the children. I would suggest you read accounts, listen to pods and inform yourself on other people’s experience on all sides of the process to make an informed decision but at the end of the day it’s how you handle it for a potential ED child and how you support the relationships in the family that will determine how your journey will be.
For the children I think they will love each other unconditionally and openly as it’s their nature, regardless of how they are conceived.

Good luck! 💕

[Dozer]

Sorry you’re experiencing secondary infertility: have been through this and was v lucky to have DC2 (own eggs). I wouldn’t have considered donor eggs for DC2 as think it can raise a lot of concerns for DC and I dislike some of the incentives to ‘donate’ (eg cheaper IVF).

A friend did this and has her (only) DC: so far it’s worked out well - she found her donor through a website, I think, they’re local to each other and maintain contact. The DC knows who their biological mother is etc.

An ovary needs to support pregnancy for the first trimester, so if ovary function is an issue, early mc is a risk even with donor eggs and hormones etc in first trimester.