Hubby filed but found out he has been cheating

[Chaz24]

Hiya,

Hubby and I have 2 young kids ages 4 & 7.

Myself and husband have had martial problems for many years now mainly due to lack of communication. We also stopped being intimate for over 2 years which I feel resulted in alot of aggression & pent up anger towards each other. Recently when he announced that he was applying, we discussed the lack of intimacy ect and he claims I rejected him one too many times. At the time we had issues so I didn't exactly take care of myself and so rejected him as I didn't feel good about myself.

For years I have asked him to try counselling, he has always refused and only recently claims he did approach a counsellor on his own which I think was not the right thing to do. I still love him dearly and don't want to break up our family.

I accept responsibility for many of our arguments and issues which he has raised before. I unfortunately rather than dealing with them sort of ignored them and retreated into my own little world of escape through books, going out a bit more with friends and basically not coming home early to avoid him. He found messages of me arranging meet ups with friends when I told him I would be working so basically I lied & he thinks thats unforgivable. I won't deny it wasn't wrong, but things were so bad I didn't want to come home. Unfortunately this impacted the time I spent on the kids for which I now am dreadfully ashamed of.

He started working from home a lot and I felt we were too into each others space as I usually finished by 1/2ish. I accept I pushed him away. I felt he wasn't paying me any attention, we were arguing a lot & I felt really rejected so seeked attention elsewhere by going out with friends more & in doing so stopped showing I care about him.

Hubby does alot of the childcare as I work weekends & really early shifts. He wants me to move out as he believes he is the primary caregiver given my work but I refuse to leave my children or the house. Due to my shifts, it would mean I won't be able to see them often .

During our struggles, I asked him for us to have nights out without the kids, he refused to do so without the kids so I really tried to reconnect. I even tried to be more loving towards him, again rejected.

He stopped sleeping in the marital bed & during one argument we both out of anger said we aren't really a couple but continued as normal, occasional kisses, holidays, family events ect, I certainly thought we were still a couple, man and wife.

Now fast forward a year, I have discovered a few days before he filed for divorce he went on a date 2 days in a row with someone who I also have discovered was sending him explicit messages from as far as January which he was engaing in aswell. I only know this as I had to do extensive digging. My suspicions were raised when he put a finger print lock on his WhatsApp and he started going out more. We had no secrets with passwords ect.

Anyway, I asked him to try counselling again. He refused which further raised my suspicions and led me to do the digging to find out he cheated. He claims its not cheating as we stopped being a couple a long time ago. Whilst we may have said it in an argument about not being a proper couple, I have remained faithful to him and really thought he was too especially since he claimed he would never do such a thing ever after he was hurt from his own father's infidelity to his mum.

He claims he thinks our arguing is impacting on the kids behaviour. We can't seem to just talk, we always raise our voices at each other so I agree hence feel counselling will help us in our communication. Furthermore, I am emotionally driven so I say a lot of things which I don't necessarily mean. One of my weaknesses for which I am willing to get individual help.

Is what he's done cheating? I feel he refuses counselling as he is seeing this other lady and feel like he is putting her above the kids.

I feel we owe it to our children to try the counselling or therapy and the fact we have been together for 17 years but he doesn't think it will help according to his research but I feel like we should try. What do we have to lose?

He claims I never took the issues he raised seriously which I partially agree with but I was always adamant I wanted counselling.

I know I have not helped matters with some things I have said out of anger but I was extremely hurt to learn of what I discovered.

Is it really too late to try counselling or couples therapy?

I would like to try even after which I discovered for the sake of our children who I know will be absolutely heartbroken.

Thanks for reading, I needed to vent somewhere.

[Loubelle70]

He says you never took claims seriously? You must have to suggest you go out as a couple...he declined.
He gave up as he thought it too hard work tbh..so looked elsewhere.
It is cheating if you both had not agreed that you were separated...sex or no sex.
Youve both added to the decline.
Divorce is best way..he isnt in it and neither are you.

[Reugny]

I know a couple who did it. To cut a long story short it helped prove to them their marriage was over.

Also as you are sleeping in separate rooms and have space to do so, definitely don't move out until the divorce and consent order are finalised.

[WoopsLiza]

It's not too late, but he doesn't want to so how do you think it will happen? He has already decided ro move on.

The way you describe your relationship sounds a lot like you are in love with the him you think he will be and the way you think you will relate to each other if both you amd he change. While it's not impossible that people do.change and grow, and marriages do mature, if you aren't both trying for that it seems pretty unlikely.

I know it is hard to lose a marriage to the father of your children. Ii am also not with the father of my children or anyone else. My two are 13 amd 10 now and I stayed ages flogging that dead horse, labouring under the illusion that we could be different. When I finally gathered myself up to leave, at that point he started making promises to try but he'd not done any of the things he was saying before when we were already mortaly unhappy. It's just wishful thinking - if no one has done rhe work off their own bat then it's not even coming from any genuine place. I wish I'd been strong enough to cut my loses sooner rather than wait til mine were 8 and 11 to leave.

I don't think your DH sounds like a brilliant catch or a brilliant match and it sounds more like the thought of changing what you thought and facing life as a single parent for a while sounds like a huge uamd exhausting challenge that you didn't even sign up for is keeping you there. You say you love him dearly but you cant even talk to him without falling out - I say you love the idea of him when he isnt arguing with you dearly. But he is argiing with you, OP, constantly.

It is hard and lots of change is exhausting and facing that sense of not knowing where your life is really going is hard. But it is better and healthier to drip your story to yourself of how it could be - it can't be that because he doesn't want it and neither of you know how to make it happen. Move on, do the work on yourself that you need to do, but do it for yourself so you are more comfortable in relationships and not falling back on maladaptive coping mechanisms. Leave while your kids atr young, the younger, the better. Once you are done, ime the only regret you will have is not having done it sooner

[LemonTT]

He has filed for divorce and is behaving like he is single. I’d say he is done and it doesn’t sound like there is anything to save between you. It’s not even about him seeing someone else, that was just an inevitability of the breakdown of your marriage.

The children deserve better than this set up. I would focus on the future you can give them apart. I would say separate counselling is a start and may lead to joint counselling. That might help you to separate and divorce without more fighting. The children don’t need warring or point scoring parents.

He is right about this affecting them. They are heartbroken now because they know exactly what is going on. Give them calm peaceful homes.

[whoneedssixteen]

My advice is to get the divorce over with as quickly and cleanly as possible. You haven't had sex or intimacy for two years. You say you don't take care of yourself. You say you lie to him about where you are and stay out with friends to avoid him, (although you have two young children).

He has been attracted to another woman. He has had sex with her. He says it isn't cheating because your marriage has been over for a while.

You aren't honest with each other and you argue, bicker and always raise your voices at each other.

The best thing you can do is get this over with in the most civilised way and set up new homes and contact arrangements for the kids. Then you can both move on and hopefully be happier.

(And it should go without saying that this will be far, far better for the children than living as they do with all the fighting between two very unhappy parents)

[Soontobe60]

Your relationship has broken down to the point where it’s irreparable. Parents should not stay together just for the sake of their children - your DC will be well aware that things are not at all rosy at home!
Focus on trying to have as amicable divorce as possible.

[Mrsttcno1]

I have to say OP it sounds like he’s probably right. The time to work on the marriage & relationship was way back when you were making plans with your friends and lying to avoid spending time with your husband and children. You can’t pick and choose when communication is key, it wasn’t important to you then and so it’s not important to him now.

Your marriage has been over for a long time, it’s time to just formalise that now.

Be prepared for the fact that he is most likely going to be primary carer though if your shifts are as inconvenient as you’ve said, it does sound like he is primary carer.

[terfinthewild]

When the sex is gone the relationship is dead. Sorry but I think you should try and have a dignified divorce.

[Marblessolveeverything]

I don't see any indication that he is open to returning to the marriage, it is over. Try and negotiate the divorce as soon as possible. Having boundaries and agreement on your children is in their best interests.

[JA74]

It sounds over to me to be honest. Accepting that and getting on with the Divorce seems the most sensible outcome now.

[Janehasamane]

It’s done now op. And please don’t use your kids as leverage to get him to stay, you owe them happiness and stability, and it’s better two homes and two parents not fighting.

the fact he does not wish counselling is fine. Sometimes there is no point.

yes technically it’s cheating. But honestly I feel it’s moot , the relationship is long dead.