How will I cope without the children?

[MissMightyMouse]

DH and I are splitting up. It’s all very amicable. He’s looking for a new property and we suspect he will move out in early September. The divorce petition has been filed.

He will have the children (nearly 5 and 7) EOW from Friday afternoon to Sunday early evening. He’ll also have them every other Thursday afternoon after school. I know it must be a million times worse for him as he’s only having them less than 3 days a fortnight. However, I feel sick at the thought of it.

My plans to cope include:

1. Working overtime on some of those weekends
   
2. Revising for my professional exams
   
3. Cleaning
   
4. Decorating
   

I have plenty of friends but they either have their own children and families or 1 is single but she’s angry, bitter and scornful of me for getting divorced. I have a couple of older relatives that I could spend time with but I don’t want that to be a regular, expected thing.

So how do you cope without your children? DH pointed out that I’ll have a regular, guaranteed lie in and I almost threw up. I want to be a full time Mum :(

Words of wisdom are appreciated. Thanks.

[ChipstickCharlie]

I'd count your lucky stars he isn't pushing for 50/50 care which appears to be the starting point these days. My youngest is 13 now but we split up when he was a very young baby and we fell into the EOW pattern because back then, 50/50 wasn't a consideration thank God. I do think children are better off spending the bulk of their time in one home although I know that's frowned upon now.

So yes, I'd look at the positives here!

[ittooshallpass]

He works long hours so can’t take days off in the week.

Please don't fall for this one. It isn't your responsibility to be available for free childcare. How can you get your career sorted if he's not prepared to share childcare, whether by doing it himself or arranging wraparound nursery care if he's not available.

I know it's hard, but now is not the time to put your career on hold.

You will fill your childfree weekends quicker than you think. You'll also need them for weekend dating.

[canigooutyet]

@midnightstar66
I didn't always want to be alone in a bed lol and that got me out the house very quickly!!. And I couldn't afford overnight childcare haha, not that I bring people home.

[Simonfromharlow]

You'll soon get used to it and you will come to look forward to it! I split with my husband a year ago. Initially I felt like you but now I live the time to myself!

[Bumply]

My ex used to have our boys 2 or 3 weekends a month when we'd just split up and later eow
To have something to fill the gap I became a befriender for the RNIB.
16 years later and my boys are grown up but I still enjoy my afternoon once every 2 to 3 weeks with the blind lady I was matched with.
It benefited both of us just being able to have a moan about annoying people in our lives that we knew the other would never meet.
Lockdown is the first time I've had an extended period of no RNIB visits and I really miss them.

[Nat6999]

I have been a single parent since ds was 6, his dad got awarded EOW & two nights a week to have ds from school for tea. I hated it at first when ds was at his dad's, spent most of the weekend in tears, but when I started seeing my partner again after us splitting up for 6 months began looking forward to the freedom to go out child free, have some adult time, stay in bed, cook a nice meal, have wine on a saturday night. Even after he passed away I got in to the routine of going shopping on a Friday night after I had dropped ds off, buying myself something nice for tea, some magazines, going home, knowing the place was tidy, cooking my meal & settling down for the night to watch television, staying in bed on a saturday morning, chilling out for the rest of the day & having a takeaway delivered.

Ds is 16 now & no longer goes to stay at his dad's, as he got older he began to realise why I left him, how badly he treated both of us & after him throwing ds out during an argument he has never gone back to stay, he will occasionally visit for a couple of hours but that is all.

You will get used to having some free time, it is strange at first but once you get used to it will look forward to having time to yourself.

[ImFree2doasiwant]

You'll get used to it, and start to enjoy it. My DC were 2 and under 1 when my ex started taking them for full days. It was an absolute wrench. That said, it's one day a week and never overnight. 2 years down the line, it's not enough really.

[unicornsarereal72]

As others have said you will get use to it. When my kids started going eow I planned sat and Sunday to keep busy and out of the house. I joined a community allotment. And volunteered Saturday evening at the night shelter.

I divide the day into 3. AM. PM and evening. And would stay home for one part of the day.

I now don't mind being home for the day but it took time.

My eldest is now NC. So doesn't go anymore. And after several months of cancelled contact I had to stop the volunteering because I couldn't commit myself to it. In the beginning I found it helped to have the time planned out.

[MissMightyMouse]

Thanks everyone.

[OhioOhioOhio]

You will be fine.

[popsydoodle4444]

@MissMightyMouse

I know it's probably hard to envision now but at some point when you're ready to put yourself back out there your child free weekends will be perfect for getting to know someone new.

[tonga]

It is really hard. I’m three years into my new house/arrangements and in the beginning when they left with him I’d go back to bed for a few hours and cry. As others have said it’s important to feel the emotions and let yourself come to terms with it. I felt so sad I couldn’t be there for my kids if they wanted me. And their dad rarely let them call me.
But you will be tired solo parenting so look after yourself. Call friends, buy a few treats. I focused on my (tiny) garden as it helped pass the time and I loved having a space that was just mine and I could have it the way I wanted! Good luck

[Somagal]

Thinking of separating because of husband’s anxiety....anyone else live with this problem?

We have been together 23 years (married 12) 2 gorgeous lads. My husband has always suffered with Generalised Anxiety Disorder but appears to want to do very little practically about managing it. It’s exhausting predicting his moods, what will set him off, managing our social lives around it, being on edge around him in social situations because I know he’s often uncomfortable, unable to enjoy a drink with him and friends as he’s a liability when drunk (he’s decided to stop), the list goes on.

He won’t try medication (Scared of side effects) and thinks therapy doesn’t work because he tried it for a few weeks once and it didn’t work🙄.

I’m reaching the point of not being able to deal with it and I feel like it’s affecting my mental health now. He’s a great bloke an awesome Dad and we don’t really argue, we get on although have different interests (yes people he’s a cyclist and I’m not!)

I don’t know whether to give him an ultimatum about seeking therapy and medication, or the marriage is done,
because it can’t go on like this.

Anyone else in a situation anything like this???

Also if the worst happens what do you tell the kids about separating because of something like this? They would just see me
abandoning daddy who isn’t well!!

Any words would be amazing, am knackered with it all!

[sashamc]

You might want to start your own thread @Somagal but yes, in short, a very similar situation here. My husband was slightly more on board with medication (eventually) but took very limited steps to help himself through therapy despite repeated pleas from me. I agonized over the decision for months (possibly years tbh) but we separated last week.

[Somagal]

Yes accidentally put this here!!
Thanks for your reply. Can I ask how you positioned the split to your kids if you have any? Were they aware of his anxiety issues?

[sashamc]

They are aware to some extent, well they are aware of the results of it (mainly hoarding) but they don't know the cause of it. And so I haven't been able to point to that as one of the main reasons for the separation. But this does mean that they've only had a very vague explanation which I'm not sure is good in the long run either. It's difficult. Feel free to pm me if you prefer x

[Fireplaceoffire]

I love the free time to myself. Mostly I just laze around, watch films, drink wine, decorate, sort the house, eat nice food.

Also join Frolo - not sure where you live but you can meet other single parent friends for meets up and I’ve met a few good friends through this. I didn’t know any single parents when my husband left 2 years ago

[starlilly88]

How do you all cope with holidays? I can cope with kids being with exH for a couple of days here and there but he is a high earner and can afford to take them on lovely long holidays. I don't earn much, do most of the childcare and can't really afford to take them anywhere. Breaking my heart that I'll miss out on holiday time while he gets all the fun. I was a SAHM for a while so my salary never recovered, while he had no childcare responsibilities and could easily build his career. That's in the past now but I can't bear to be without them for a couple of weeks (selfish I know)

[starlilly88]

Oh and Xmas too, wondering how that's going to be. I love Xmas and can't imagine waking up and them not being there

[Jay670]

I loved it. Lie in, leisurely breakfast and a bit of trash tv in the mornings. Did the food shopping one day for the week and the other day went out for days out to placed I wanted to to visit for a wander and a bit of shopping now and again. At night, a few films or box sets and the odd night out. The longer it went on the more used to it I got. Kids had a great time at their dads too as he did much more with them than he ever did with them when I was around.