Spousal maintenance

[AdrianK101]

Hi all. I am brand new member and just wanted to hear some thoughts on my (soon to be ) ex – wife’s claim to spousal maintenance.
feelings towards her and her claim for spousal maintenance.

I petitioned for divorce just over a year ago for adultery (she was and I think still is)seeing a work colleague. She as admitted to this in her response so I can apply for Decree Nisi(still need to do this)

Basics are:
Married for 12 years, 2 boys 8 and 6 (Im 42 she is 40) and we own 3 houses which have a total combined equity of around £700K. We both still live the main family home (I’m in the converted garage so we can stay out of each others space) She has worked full time through our entire marriage with kids having no impact on her career, and has had the same job for around 20 years now. She earns around £38K a year and has a final salary pension with a cash value of £279K. I am a high earner making in a good year 3 – 4 times more than she does. I have a normal contributory pension with a cash value at £120K
I want to be clear though in our relationship I am not seen as the breadwinner in terms of childcare, we both have worked full time and have always equally shared child caring responsibilities. Going forward we will continue this 50% all the way while both continuing with our jobs.
I proposed a complete 50 -50 split on all assets, This would give her enough to buy another place (3 bed detached) very close to where we live now and live comfortably with the boys 1 week on 1 week off (again just to reiterate 50% share on childcare) on a very low mortgage. So I thought this would be as simple as a divorce could be, we went to out first mediation MIAM session where she announced she needs £4250 (she came up with a ridiculous expense like £400 month holiday expense) to live each month on top of the 50/50 asset split (so take away her salary 4250 – 2400 = 1150 ) meaning I must pay her £1150 every month in spousal maintenance.
I’m still in shock about this but would like to hear from members what they think, especially ones that have had to fight spousal maintenance claims. My concern is I am a much higher earner than she is, but if you remove this factor she would be in a very good position to have all her “needs” covered. Additionally her pension is worth £160K more than mine and if I had to contribute to mine to match hers I would have less than her salary (£2400) left over every month.
Currently we have given up on mediation as she refuses to budge and we are about to start court proceedings.
Of course I will never let my boys suffer and contribute extra where needed (I do all ready .) If she was a stay at home mum then none of this would be an issue (I would happily pay spousal maintenance).
Very keen to hear thoughts on how the courts will view this and apologies for the novel length ramble.

[combatbarbie]

Start playing fire with fire, go for her pension.....

[Techway]

I genuinely think if you want to avoid court which will be 25k each then you will need to get over giving your Ex money. Emotions are high, you feel aggrieved which is understable but in a few years this will matter so much less. What are your thoughts behind the emotions of your ex having money? If its fairness then divorce is fundamental unfair and no party male or female walk away happy. It takes time to rebuild and both parties have to do it. There is a reason counsellors talk about acceptance as accepting the reality of divorce is critical to healing.

I am sure you both love your children and for that reason getting an agreement will be vital for them.

If you can please change your mindset, divorce is very tough but acting tough will just lead to more pain.

[lyingwanker]

I do think she's asking for way too much but I definitely think that you should pay her something after the split by way of child maintenance. The key point here is that the children will have such a difference in lifestyles between your houses and that's not fair on the kids. Is that what you want for them really?

[Misty9]

I'm not sure i agree that the children would have vastly different lifestyles - how much do kids need? Me and my ex have roughly the same disparity in income (he's the higher earner) and the kids have pretty much the same standards in both homes. Partly because we split a lot of their toys and clothes etc when I moved out. I do get spousal I should say, but because ex agreed to it without solicitors. My career did suffer due to having our children and more so because of us moving back to where ex grew up for family support. Holidays perhaps might show the disparity but ds has extra needs so neither of us are likely to chance holidaying alone with the kids for quite some time I don't think!

My spousal is agreed for 3 years and we worked it out using the wikivorce calculator so maybe try that? It calculates outgoings and incomings for both parties and then splits the excess so both have similar disposable. Because that's what you'd have if you were together. Although there was no cheating in our split. None of it is pretty in divorce

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

The reason for divorce is irrelevant in deciding how assets are split. I work and have an average salary but my ex earns way way more than me and I have no way to get anywhere near that. Children are grown up one DC disabled and I did all the cate. We went to court. A mortgage capacity report found I couldn't raise a mortgage. The court awarded me 63% of the equity, a big chunk of pension (more than 50%) plus spousal maintenance in 4 figures. The judge says the aim was to equalise our lifestyles. Your ex may well get spousal if you go to court. And yes, she will be entitled to allow for holidays for her and the children ...

[Mummyshark2018]

Op from what you have described I would disagree that your wife's career was not impacted by having children. Sounds like she made a conscious decision to stay in a familiar, well paid and stable job as it would have been incredibly difficult for both of you to acquire 2 additional degrees each, plus working full time and raising 2 children. That would've been madness.

You have financially benefitted from the decisions you both made as a family and she has not. I get what you're saying about pension but if that is the case then pay more into yours- you can afford it.

[choli]

Sounds like she made a conscious decision to stay in a familiar, well paid and stable job as it would have been incredibly difficult for both of you to acquire 2 additional degrees each, plus working full time and raising 2 children.
The OP has already clarified the the degrees were obtained before they had children. His soon to be ex could have done the same but couldn't be arsed. She was happy to benefit from his hard work for years though. Maybe the divorce will motivate her to make the effort now that she should have made back then.
In IT you have to continually upskill if you want more money and the lifestyle that comes with it.

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

I very much doubt she's got any claim to spousal maint. It's only ever really paid in cases where one party has given up a career to further their partners career at the detriment to themselves.

Your solicitor should be looking at a starting point of 50/50 for everything, inc pensions which might change the outcome slightly.

Listen to your solicitor and seek a second opinion if you're unsure

[changenameforthis123]

@HerRoyalNotness

OP said the children came after the degrees.

[Mummyshark2018]

@choli you're right I misread and thought it was after pregnancy he did the degrees.