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16 replies

kayaholly · 06/03/2019 12:43

Should I be looking to be reasonable about divorce timescale? I'm not there yet, but looking it up seems I can apply for a divorce straight away on the grounds of adultery, scumbag ex can apply within 2 years if I agree or I can hold out and make him wait 5 years, which is where my head is at now, honeslty because I'm in F* you mode. Am I just making it more difficult for myself?

Given how he has acted, I also want to give the kids time to get their heads round what has happened before he gets the chance to just move on and keep himself happy. I'm just not sure if this is taking bitchmode too far.

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Seapoint2002 · 06/03/2019 13:46

Just get rid of the deadweight asap. It will save you time, money and stress.

trendingorange · 08/03/2019 09:46 it ASAP.
Dragging it out will cost you in money, time and emotionally.
He's already moved on, it doesn't matter to him.

Andyjakeydan · 08/03/2019 09:50

I’m going through divorce now and i can’t wait to be unmarried from my cheating wife...stbxw

Sicario · 08/03/2019 09:53

I think there has been (or is in progress?) a change to the law which allows a spouse to refuse a divorce for 5 years. It was to do with that man who refused his wife a divorce insisting they "still had some good years left".

I agree that you should just crack on with it and dump the chump.

kayaholly · 08/03/2019 09:58

I can refuse a divorce for 5 years, we have only just separated and I'm still trying and failing to adjust, wanting to divorce so I can move on is an option, am I just being petty to not divorce him so he can move on with his OW? If he was by himself I probably wouldn't be thinking twice because we would both be in the same place.....

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allgirlsaroundhere · 08/03/2019 10:09

I have a lot of personal experiences in this area. Just don’t get into venting using a solicitor as it just costs money and they will write anything as dialogue between ex’s is good for the solicitors pocket. Divorce is separate from sorting out finance and children. If he wants a divorce make sure he pays all the costs as they will ask you for half. It’s hard. I found it helped to vent by writing it all down in the form of letters to him. I never actually sent them but it made me feel better.

allgirlsaroundhere · 08/03/2019 10:14

After 2 years he can force you to divorce as he can take you to court for being unreasonable unless you have a very good reason not to. Honestly you are better than him. Get rid. If you hold onto the marriage it looks like you want him back and that you are clinging to him. Give them the message you are strong and don’t care even if inside you are crushed. You will see him as a bullet you dodged. You will be happy again.

kayaholly · 08/03/2019 10:35

I know my reason for not wanting a divorce is just to slap it up him, it's not healthy for me, but he's had months to get his head round this and I am still reeling, I am hoping I can get to a place where I don't give a shit, but it's not going to happen this week Sad

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allgirlsaroundhere · 08/03/2019 10:58

You are brave and strong. I know it hurts almost like a physical pain. You had no control of what happened so I think holding back gives you a bit more control. Throw yourself into being a good mum. Your children are much more flexible than adults so quickly get used to different arrangements. One tip though try to keep any venting away from them. You sound like a great person the next few months will be very very hard with maybe lots of tears take each day as it comes. If you need more time then tell him or his solicitor you need at least a month to save up and get legal advice.

kayaholly · 08/03/2019 11:20

Thank you allgirlsaroundhere, that sums up exactly how I feel, but it's good to see that what I am feeling is normal. Totally spinning today, I have fooled myself into thinking I am ok and getting through it, but mother nature is a bitch and I am in PMT mode and just feeling sorry for myself lol

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LondonBelongsToMe · 08/03/2019 11:33

channel the anger into getting a good divorce settlement

trendingorange · 08/03/2019 13:32

Why would you want to refuse a divorce if your ex wants one?
I'm not trying to be goady.... I just think marriage is something that only works if you both want to be it in.
Your marriage is over, the piece of paper doesn't mean anything now, only in a legal sense.
Yes you need time to get you head around it, which I understand, but divorce and financial / childcare stuff takes in my experience a couple of years so you'll have plenty of time to re-adjust by the end of it you will so pleased it's over

kayaholly · 08/03/2019 14:30

I get what you are saing trendinginorange, but I feel like everything I have done over this last year and probably longer has been on his terms, don't get me wrong I'm not a pushover or back down easy, but because of the things my Ex was dealing with, a lot of the things that should have been prioritised weren't, he has constantly put his needs before his kids, and it's not that I don't want to be rid of him, part of it in honesty is a big F U, because this needs to be something I do on my terms, but he wants a divorce so he can move on with his new woman who he used as a tool to get out of the marriage. I am concerned that he will continue to do what he wants to suit them, and there are kids here, a very big part of this is not enabling him to move too fast for them.

I don't think he deserves to just get what he wants anymore, he is not putting his kids first, and I am giving him way more than he deserves already by not just cutting him out altogether and limiting his access.

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LemonTT · 08/03/2019 14:46

A clean break divorce will allow you to do things on your own terms. Probably the only way. Staying married with combined finances makes you both dependent on each other. Eventually you will need him to agree to something and he will need you to agree to something. But you will be stuck in a paradigm of objecting to giving ground to each other. Meanwhile the lawyers make hay. Money and emotion will be wasted. You are going to frame your life around his for another 5 years if you object. You will never be thinking about you only how you can get back at him. These are not the same things.

Please don't use the children as a means of control. They are entitled to a relationship with their father and emotionally they need that. Stopping contact punishes and harms them not just him.

trendingorange · 08/03/2019 15:50

I agree with lemon.
For me the best revenge is to go on and live a full and happy life, on your terms.
While you are still married, even in name only, you are bound together and he can control you still.
As you have children there will probably always be contact between you, there's no point trying to point score with an arse... they will always be able to go lower.

kayaholly · 08/03/2019 20:00

Lemon that was my point, the kids are not part of any settlement, he has total access when he wants, and that won't change on my part.

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