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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Finances - no lump sum in exchange for no maintenance?

39 replies

Purplejay · 24/02/2019 15:02

H and I separated last May. He began an affair about a year ago which is ongoing. H lives in our camper and spends a few nights at hers. I am in the house which is in my name and for which I am responsible with our 12 yo. At times we have been finanicially equal (both having some inheritance) but he has been irresponsible and that is no longer the case. We have always kept our finances separate. However the house has gone up, in value since I bought it so he is at least entitles to half that in my mind. While living here he paid ‘board’. He is self employed and could not get a mortgage on his own so would have to rent or buy with OW.

I have been trying to establish what sort of settlement he wants. In the early stages he mentioned having a few thousand from me (I would remortgage to pay this) to throw in with her to buy somewhere (they cooled things for a while but are now seeing each other again), or being entitled to something when our son is 18. Now though he refuses point blank to discuss it and says he doesn’t want anything at all.

He refuses to contribute to our child or our dogs (which we share) because he is not asking for anything from me. If I ask, he will say you keep trying to give me money just knock it off what you think I am entitled to!

I have been giving some thought to this. Could we agree to him making no claim and in exchange he pays no maintenance? Is this something a Court would ever agree to on divorce? I am also prepared sign over the camper so he would have that to sell in due course if he wishes. I think he is waiting to see how things play out with OW before making any plans.

Anyone done something similar? Any thoughts?

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NotBeingRobbed · 26/02/2019 09:29

It’s the law. Assets are “joint” once married and are split 50:50. He thinks he should get more as he earned less. Both of us had jobs and he worked full-time while I was
part-time for some (not all) of the marriage. I offered 50:50 because my solicitor said I had to - I was very unhappy about this. He came back and asked for even more! We are still negotiating. It’s an evil contract. I have argued this point endlessly here but everyone appears to think we are fully informed when we sign the register book! I wasn’t.

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Purplejay · 26/02/2019 09:29

I guess that is why I am keen to reach an agreement with him on what we think is fair rather than leave it to the court. Seems judges have massive discretion about what to award.

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NotBeingRobbed · 26/02/2019 09:36

But I’ve been told the court can refuse to rubber stamp your agreement if the judge thinks it is “unfair”. I have provided this man with a better standard of living than he was earning for years and years and now he wants to fleece me and the kids too!

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Purplejay · 26/02/2019 09:49

I have also heard that, hence looking for people’s experiences.

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Purplejay · 26/02/2019 10:03

My H will not want to provide financial disclosure, not want to seek (or pay for) legal advice and will generally bury his head in the sand. He also is ‘of no fixed abode’. Spending time between the camper and his girlfriends house (I don’t know the address). Much of his stuff is still at mine.

No idea how to begin to deal with all this tbh.

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NotBeingRobbed · 26/02/2019 10:13

My ex also is angry about me “making him” fill in the forms. I didn’t particularly want to do it either. But it is required. He is greedy and the pound signs have lot up at the thought of him getting lots of money he didn’t earn. He is angry at having to pay fairly token child support. He moved from address to address to start with but did get a solicitor and communication is through them.

Be careful - he can actually issue and order requiring you to fund his legal action. It’s a heap of crap from start to finish. I so wish I never said “I do”.

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Effic · 26/02/2019 10:20

When I spilt from my exh, I didn’t want to claim anything from him. I don’t require ‘looking after’ being a grown up and all. We lived in a house that my exh had bought before we were married. He paid the mortgage, I paid all other bills & food etc. When we split, the judge refused the consent order on the basis that the settlement outlined was ‘unfair’ and asked if I’d had suitable legal advice. I had to write to the judge, explain that I had taken legal advice and knew what I was ‘entitled’ too and that I was not being coerced into this. Consent was granted. You absolutely can write whatever you and you stbexh in you consent order and then the judge will decide. They may ask for additional information but as long as they feel you are both intellectual competent individuals and not being coerced, they will grant what you request. (That was the advice the solicitor gave us)

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Effic · 26/02/2019 10:21

*whatver you and your stbexh want

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Effic · 26/02/2019 10:23

And if it’s not contested, you only have to provide the sketchiest of financial details. And no proof is needed

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PurpleWithRed · 26/02/2019 10:29

You need legal advice.

Divorce settlements have to be acceptable to the court, and courts are very unwilling to allow parents to abnegate all future financial responsibility for their children. What if you go clean break and he won the lottery? etc etc. If you want a clean break (equity instead of ongoing maintenance) you will have to convince the court that this is in the best interests of your child. In your case, given your XDHs financial situation and unwillingness to engage, this probably won't be difficult to prove but you will need legal help to do it.

But don't talk about 'my assets and his assets and what I put into the marriage and what he put in'. In a long marriage with children none of that matters, the assumption that your wedding vow of 'everything I have I share with you' holds and you own everything 50:50.

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NotBeingRobbed · 26/02/2019 11:55

Maybe think of it the other way around. What if you go for a clean break and then you win the lottery? Won’t you want to keep it?! Of course as a mum or just as a decent human I wouldn’t abandon my kids so they would benefit from my good fortune but many fathers seen happy to walk away!

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CountingFireflies · 26/02/2019 16:00

You've received some good advice so far but my solicitor advised me that any agreements within the consent order regarding maintenance are only valid for 12 months. So in 12 months time you could go to the CMS for child maintenance and there's not a lot he could do about it. All other agreements within the consent order are seen as a clean financial break, child maintenance is the exception.
If he chose to get a solicitor they may well advise him not to accept the offer on the table as there's nothing stopping you claiming CM in a years time.

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Purplejay · 27/02/2019 11:28

Thank you everyone

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LemonTT · 28/02/2019 17:54

Hmm I would listen to NBR. There is a good risk you will have to give up more than you envisage. That needn’t be over your dead body, as a court order will suffice.

Whatever you do, do it properly so there is no come back. Until and unless you reach a court agreed financial settlement he has a claim on half of everything.