Caught dh lying to me for the final time give me the strength to leave please

[Alfiemoon1]

It’s a long and pathetic story that has gone on for 3 years regarding what could and should be an innocent friendship between dh and a female friend v. To cut a long story short as it’s been flogged to death on relationships board dh works nights so we only spent 2 nights per week together he struck up a friendship and I got naffed off with him spending it all texting ow call her v giggling at private joke etc so I asked him to tone it down nothing more no issues with him having female friends etc

He didn’t tone it down he just became secretive switched to WhatsApp so it wouldn’t show on the phone bill. Called her the minute he went to work met up with and lied when my work colleague sent me a picture of them together. It’s been lie after lie deleted messages etc. He’s left home 4 times in defence of this new friendship he’s lied to her claiming I’ve said things I haven’t and seems to have enjoyed the attention and shitstorm he has created to him it’s all about digging his heals in as I can’t tell him who he can be friends with

The last time he moved out claiming to be opening his own bank account me and the kids would be left penniless I told him to get on with it found his Id he spent the day wondering round claiming to depressed and came home with his tail between his legs vowing to never contact her again it was more trouble than it was worth

Fast forward to a week ago I go in his wallet to get his store discount card to do my Christmas shopping he swears blind he doesn’t know it’s there he’s not in contact with her fast forward to today he stupidly takes a call in the car when it ends it shows his call log her number is there from Saturday he lied said it wasn’t her number until I suggested we called it. He said she had randomly called him no other contact asked for him to unlock his phone he refused he was itching to get away from me delete it all which is suprising as he usually did only her messages automatically so he flashed the messages a mile away from my face and so quick I couldn’t read them and then pressed delete

I am heartbroken all over again but I will never trust him again someone give me the strength to leave and advise me how to about it I am so hurt once help me find my ager towards him

[HeebieJeebies456]

Look, this woman is not innocent AT ALL!
Even if she's not physically involved with him, she knows he has a crush on her and she encourages it. She even eggs him on/influences him to treat you even worse and slags you off.
She's willingly complicit in all of this.

I'd tell her partner.
Let' see if he thinks her behaviour is innocent then......

[RandomMess]

Because it is an emotional affair he shares his time and thoughts with her rather than you as his primary partner...

He shit stirs to deflect from his own awful behaviour so he can justify maintaining the emotional affair by making out you are unreasonable.

Would he be ok if you were communicating with another man every day with lots of secrets, and in jokes and meeting up to socialise the two of you? I'm pretty sure you would hate it and accuse you of having an affair!

[Alfiemoon1]

But that’s the stupid thing she proclaims it’s all innocent the text I have seen obviously he has deleted lots all innocent he claims it’s nothing more than a friendship so why does he lie and shit stir other than to make me look like a neurotic paranoid jealous wife which I am not

[RandomMess]

Of course they wanted to keep it a secret, well your H did because it's inappropriate and always has been and he knows it.

[Alfiemoon1]

Example when I wasn’t entirely happy with the friendship and had a few niggles

I used to work Saturday ds used to go to town with mil dd worked dh walked a dog
Checked my phone on my break lots of messages from dd her dad hadn’t picked her up so spent my break checking she was sorted turns out he was half an hour late for her my friend who he doesn’t know but knew I wasn’t entirely happy with things with v later sent me a pic of him and v in the pub together
I was annoyed he was late to pick dd up asked him if he had been the pub he said no told him I knew he had been the pub with v he said he walked alone not seen her in weeks showed him the picture he said it was weeks ago showed him the date he stomps off next minute she’s texting me calling me a stalker crazy for looking on her Facebook page as she had posted pictures of the dogs together??

My annoyance was with him being late for dd but it happens at the time I didn’t have an issue with them being out in broad daylight together so why lie ? When it is me being naffed off with him after a long day in work why not keep it between us why tell v and why lie that I had seen her Facebook page ?

[Alfiemoon1]

Went back to work as concerned over having to much time off and wish I hadn’t as I am still feeling rubbish
Friend who I forgot to leave out of my Facebook post but is friends with v so obviously passed it on has unfriended me which is a shame and maybe difficult if I see her

I mainly mentioned his behaviour not hers as I know there is nothing going on between them which makes this whole situation so stupid

[RandomMess]

Tbf you will be feeling dreadful due to the infection so you need to finish AB give yourself a further week or so and see how you are

[Alfiemoon1]

No they didn’t offer blood tests

[RandomMess]

Have they arranged a blood test? If you are bit D deficient you need prescription only strength to build it back up?

[Alfiemoon1]

I got a sore ear as well but he couldn’t see any infection I got some vitamin d as well couldnt see any zinc I just feel totally drained but can’t stay off work. I don’t particularly like my new job i don’t feel very confident at it and am struggling being full time after years of being part time although that could be because I am unwell. I am struggling with everything at moment and wished I hadn’t changed jobs at the moment

[RandomMess]

No wonder you've been feeling so awful

[Alfiemoon1]

Anti biotics for sinusitis and a chest infection hope they kick in soon fed up of feeling rotten and I am on probation at work so no doubt they won’t keep me on now I’ve been off sick

[abbsisspartacus]

Zinc is supposed to help shorten the life of a cold

My dad tried this on with my mom so she put down a deposit on a bedsit to secure it and got the suitcases down from the loft

[Alfiemoon1]

Booked in the doctors at 1.40 I am sick of feeling rubbish all the time
Will mention the vitamin d I am probably low on all vitamins as I am barely eating at the moment I just can’t face food

[BlueJag]

Hi if you can't shift a cold you most be low on vitamin D. Talk to your gp. One less thing to worry about.
I'm so sorry you are having such an awful time. 😘

[Ozziewozzie]

Don’t panic. The police are hugely under resourced. This is the last thing they will be arsed with. My 17 yr old son was recently assaulted by two druggies, unprovoked, and the bloomin police didn’t even turn up to take a statement!! They did absolutely nothing. Shocking. I tried complaining and even that is under resourced and NOT followed up.
You should be absolutely fine. They are disrespecting the very existence of your supposed relationship with your STBEX. Seriously, if she’s cross because you’ve had enough and expressed yourself, surely she must understand why. Slightly defensive in my opinion. If I were she and it had all been innocent, I’d be calling you to apologise and completely see it from your point of view. I’d be so embarrassed I’d caused you this much hurt.

[Mothergooseflying]

Look lovely, your scared about the future, but understand, you have one !!!, but its only what you are going to make it.
Your probably run down from stress , thus the cold, but a new job, what a start 2019, step 1 done.
Step 2 knowing you are doing something about this, and having the confidence to go through with it.
Step 3 you have a new job, which means an entirely new set of people to get to know, perhaps, even a different social circle.
These are all positive moves, and you are doing them, so what he hasn't spoke to you since xmas, it's not something your going to die from is it?.
You are coping more than you realise. Everyone always here for a chat.
Best Wishes.

[troubleswillbeoutofsight]

I hope you find the strength to carry this through. It sounds insurmountable at the moment and a new full time job on top of a cold is hell in itself. But I’ve been there, with three children, new huge house, huge mortgage, new area, new full time job plus part time uni. When I discovered the OW.
It wasn’t easy but it was doable and the next part of my life was much much more stable and happier. I wish you that too once you find the strength

[Alfiemoon1]

I know what I need to do and I am doing it I am just struggling dealing with a new full time job a marriage break up and being full of a cold as I feel like i am not coping. I presume he is looking for somewhere to live he hasn’t spoken to me properly since before Christmas

[Mothergooseflying]

You are allowing him best of both world's.
What are you gaining from this relationship? (nothing)
So what have you got to lose (nothing)
So in All what are you waiting for, this relationship has three people in it, time to remove yourself, it has nowhere left to go, Take the options from him, they are not his options to have.
Financial wise, if you don't work, citizen's Advice next stop, never be beholding to him just because of money,he thinks you couldn't survive without his money, that is why he keeps threatening you with financial stress, stand up to him, let him know , you do not need to be controlled by his financial contribution's, or stay in a toxic relationship for his money, he is not worth it, one step at a time, as they say get your eggs all in one basket, put yourself , family first, money will sort itself out, also, maintenance payments can be sorted , but dont threaten him with it, just do it.
Finish it, lose the stress, regain some dignity, walk away, you could be finding a loving , proper, relationship elsewhere, but your to busy wasting time and effort, on trying to salvage , this dead , one sided, relationship. Life is to short.
Best Wishes.

[abbsisspartacus]

by the way you deserve so much more than this

[abbsisspartacus]

You need to breathe you might not lose your job my friend passed out on her first day had a full blown panic attack and still kept the job for years!

Ok questions, why are you referring to him as your husband? The way he is acting he doesn't see you as his wife

Why is it all her fault for "egging him on" he is a grown man not a schoolchild

Why is he still living with you? Is the house in joint names etc?

Why are you offering to pay his bond? he is a grown man he needs to leave

I bet her boyfriend is hoping you will stay around I guarantee he doesn't trust her either

[Alfiemoon1]

I can’t cope anymore I am full of a cold which I have had for 6 weeks so I am sat outside the doctors in tears so no doubt I will loose my job as I am on probation as well

[Alfiemoon1]

Yes I am going to arrange a dog walker. Everything just seems so stressful feel out of my comfort zone in my job they keep changing things plus the increase in hours and now all this has kick off again i feel like I am struggling to cope I have started my ads again so hopefully things will improve. I feel guilty for moaning and feeling like this now I have heard about df sons

[RandomMess]

Very sad about your DF son, life is so precious.

What is it going to take for him to move out do you think? Press on with the divorce papers.