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Divorce/separation

Advice re dickhead DH

12 replies

Downwilson · 30/05/2016 00:33

I've been married for 5 years to DH but together on and off for 20.
My DH is a great father mostly, we have three DDs aged 2-9 and he loves them.
Recently I've started a new job and our family life has been a lot more chaotic, I know this can be tough on couples but my DH seems to have taken his frustration out on me to a new level.
I'm naturally a peacemaker and I hate confrontation but my DH has controlling tendencies and I have to stand up to him every so often which I dread.
This morning is the most recent incident in a long series. We were at my parents house for brunch which I was in preparing with my sister. It's a pretty laid back affair with kids coming in and out.

Anyway I was s bit slow with the toast so brought it in and handed it round, giving some to my DF and then my DH holds a hand to my face when I asked him if he wanted toast and said "Talking!" To indicate he was talking to my BiL and that I shouldn't interrupt. I was so annoyed with him that I dropped the plate of toast on the table and walked out.
He then left in a huff because he felt I'd overreacted. When I finally came home this evening, he apologised but felt my reaction had been way over the top. He later said when I asked him if he'd ever do that again, "Probably".
It all sound so childish now but I'm still incredibly hurt at this latest incident. I don't know what to do. What next?

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tic73 · 01/06/2016 01:03

This is my soon to be ex husband to a tee!
It's only a matter of time! Get shot but be prepared for tears and declarations of love when he realises you are serious!

Controlling MF!!!

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AugustaFinkNottle · 30/05/2016 09:44

Leaving in a huff was the overreaction. Mind you, if my DH had ever done something as pompous as that I would probably have fallen around laughing at him.

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chorltonloveswheelies · 30/05/2016 09:38

Down, your story sounds similar to my DH. It's like because running a stressful business gives him the right to be a total arse at home (and with other people).

Also Totally anti-social and awkward to the point of rudeness round other people; I find it hideously painful.

We're also mid 40's and been together 25 years.

No words of advice but I feel your pain

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FishWithABicycle · 30/05/2016 09:34

He doesn't want to see. He doesn't care.
And choosing to stay with a dickhead is going to do immense emotional damage to your daughters who are going to take their model of what to expect from relationships from this utterly fucked-up travesty and will end up miserable if you don't develop the self-respect to refuse to take it any more.

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Lighteningirll · 30/05/2016 09:33

This is not about being a perfect wife this is about an extremely unpleasant, disrespectful incident perpetrated by him. Any attempt to turn the blame to you is just compounding the error. You are not a servant or a child (not that it's acceptable to be rude to either).

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Downwilson · 30/05/2016 09:27

Thank you so much for your swift replies. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong. He has always been a difficult man but most of the time we have been happy.
I would have been happy with a wholehearted apology but I didn't get that. The thing that really hurt was his saying "probably". He was being honest. He will be a dickhead again,. He won't try not to be.

When I confronted him he just came out with a series of accusations of things I do wrong, i.e. Working too late, not enough sex, not being present enough.
I'll be honest, I'm not a perfect wife, I can be acerbic and I'm not alway "present". We have split before, but not since the girls were born.
I don't want to split. But I'm not sure how to make him see (or care) how hurt I am.
Also we are not young. We're both late forties. A bit embarrassing really, at my age to be here, in this situation....

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Lighteningirll · 30/05/2016 08:15

You acted with grace and dignity he on the other hand is a dick tell him that and tell him you are seriously considering if you want the relationship to carry on.

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YvaineStormhold · 30/05/2016 08:12

He's lucky he didn't end up wearing the fucking toast.

Pack his bags, point at the door and when he starts to ask what's going on, put a hand up to his face and shout, "LEAVING".

Arsehole.

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lifeisunjust · 30/05/2016 08:07

Talk

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FishWithABicycle · 30/05/2016 04:26

He is a dickhead who doesn't respect you.
I wouldn't want a git who thinks that kind of behaviour is acceptable to have any part in the lives of any DDs of mine.

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VioletBam · 30/05/2016 02:33

You asked what to do next....ok...so, seek legal advice immediately. Have you got joint bank accounts?

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VioletBam · 30/05/2016 02:33

What an utter TWAT!

I would NOT take that. What must your family think of him?

I really think that in your shoes, given that he feels your reaction was over the top, that I would consider leaving him.

Humiliating your wife in public is not something a good man does.You don't want your DDs thinking this is a normal relationship...

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