husband has just woken me up to tell me he's leaving

[ilyacailly]

I just went downstairs to change the baby's nappy (so I wouldn't disturb our 4 year old).

Husband is there, drunk after a night at the pub plus more alcohol at home, stating that he was about to come to bed.

I remarked that he hadn't turned off the Sky TV and tried to do it for him. He then turned on the actual TV set, so I laughed and told him that it was the wrong bit.

Well - he went mad. Called me a fucking cunt and stormed off outside.

I knew that if I argued too much with him that he'd upset the baby and wake our son, so went back to bed.

He's just come up now (I pretended to be asleep so I'd avoid a massive drunken argument'.

He just shook me to wake me up and tell me that he's leaving me tomorrow; that I'm just like my Dad (who is a controlling, nasty person at times) and that he's 'not being treated badly anymore).

I didn't do anything wrong - I feel he's trying to justify his actions of what he's about to do in his head.


I told him that I won't be spoken to in the way he just did and I won't have that behaviour around the children.
I also told him that I won't beg him to stay as I won't be treated in the way he just behaved.

Since our daughter was born, 4 months ago, he's been awful. Really horrible - pretty much from the second she came home. I'm suffering with very bad SPD but he's still making me do all the school runs and take our boy swimming, whilst he works from home and lies in bed until at least 10 every morning.

Where the hell do I go from here?
This is going to break my little boy's heart.

[Lweji]

BTW, as he works freelance, try to get as much evidence of previous earnings and bank accounts, as you can.

[Lweji]

Do get support from your family and friends.

Your child is in Reception, and it's almost the end of the school year. Worst case, put things in place and leave as soon as the holidays start or a little earlier.

Do get legal advice. And stay as close to those who can support you as you can.
It may mean staying where you are, though. So, ask a solicitor about it.

You don't have to put up with this and neither your children.

[shovetheholly]

Get thee to a lawyer, immediately!

And work out where you stand financially. You may find that the picture isn't nearly as bad as you think.

You can then make a decision knowing all of the facts. And knowing what is real and what isn't in your anxieties.

I'm so sorry this has happened. He sounds like a complete cock.

[FantasticButtocks]

It doesn't sound ideal to move 200 miles away because your family is there, if your father is nasty and controlling.

I'd remind him today what he said. You called me a cunt and told me you would be leaving me today. Fine. Off you trot you useless piece of shite. Just make sure you take everything you need as you will NOT be coming back. If you've got an alcohol problem or a mental health problem that's causing you to behave in this way, go and get it sorted.

You are married. You have a new baby and a 4 year old. He leaves, he needs to financially support his wife and children, including possibly paying for some help at home with dcs, as he's no bloody help. You do not need to put up with such abuse. Well done for telling him you won't be standing for this hideous behaviour.

[Laura812]

I would probably just leave it until the children are a bit bigger as a split is very hard. It sounds like he needs help with alcoholism and possibly depression. I wonder if his parents can help?

[GooodMythicalMorning]

My grandfather is like this to my grandmother. He's still there but no one else sees either of them any more. It's really sad.

[Kr1stina]

Do you have a car ? Is there someone who can come and help you move some of your things and the children's things ?

If your partner violent ? Do you need to leave when he is out ?

Are you married ? I know you said husband but so many MNer say this and it turns out to be their partner

[Kr1stina]

You need to start thinking about the practicalities

Do you own or rent your house ?
Do you have a joint account or your own account ?
Do you have somewhere to stay in your home area until you can rent somewhere ?

[Just5minswithDacre]

I agree with tribpot - he won't actually leave.

[JammyGeorge]

Your description is exactly the way my dad behaved towards my mum all through my childhood. It was awful. Your DS will soon realise he's a drinker. My mum stayed with him because of money/house - she stayed for the kids is her view. I laugh and think yeah you stayed for the kids to live in misery and fear.

In her mind because he didn't turn on us it didn't count but it didn't stop us living in fear, we were terrified of him. To a kid a big stinking pissed arsehole banging about and shouting is a scary even if it is your dad.

He used to pull the I'm leaving trick regularly sometimes would pack his case and create a scene, he never went or if he did he soon came crawling back. He also said terrible hurtful things to my mum, he had a nasty tongue, still does nothing to do with the drink.

Go and do not look back - he is a waste of space.

[tribpot]

Unfortunately he isn't going to leave, that was just a drunken threat to get you to realise you are not to criticise him in any way.

Stop shielding your parents and his parents from what he's like - he doesn't deserve it.

I can't quite get over the breathtaking selfishness of someone who lies in bed whilst someone with severe difficulty walking does the school run for their child.

[Lighteningirll]

He isn't a lovely man he's a horrible, selfish man who doesn't love and cherish either you or or your dc. Pack up and leave go home to family and start living your real life again. It will be hard but this relationship is harder you are just so weighed down you can't see it

[Atenco]

Oh course he is depressed. Alcohol is a depressant, but only he could change himself.

[Brightside65]

What a selfish drunk twat!

Wake him now while he's mid hangover and tell him to leave before children get up!

Hopefully by then he'll realise what an idiot he's been

[AugustaFinkNottle]

If he's leaving, do you need to? Can you stay where you are, at least for now? For sure he's going to have to pay child support, and also maintenance for you, and the children's need for a secure home comes first.

[VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon]

He's not acting like a lovely man - the opposite. Make plans to leave when you can.

[ilyacailly]

It's so sad, as he can be a really lovely man. But his recent behaviour, plus how he is after alcohol, isn't good. I think he's depressed, but he's not listening to me at all. However, he's always been a drinker and I don't see that improving.

I'm going to try to sleep before the baby wakes up. Thank you for everything tonight xxxxx

[mathanxiety]

Don't talk yourself out of it. There are practical difficulties, yes. However, there are huge difficulties right now that re deliberately inflicted on you by someone who should be your best friend.

Your DS is young. It may seem like a big upheaval, but moving when your DCs is young is much easier than (1) trying to go it alone far from your support, (2) trying to create a healthy and happy family life or even trying to keep all the balls in the air with a heckler and an entitled drunk for a partner, and (3) moving when they are older and have established friends and settled well in school.

He isn't likely to go anywhere. He is just making threats to establish who has all the power in your home . He clearly thinks you have no options but to stay and get dumped on by him.

So make plans, sort out a school for your DS, see a solicitor and call Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) to get some counselling for yourself and some moral support and possibly a referral to a solicitor.

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

Your H sounds awful. Lazy and unsupportive, rude and nasty. Does he realise how far he has pushed you and how much he has got to lose if you move away? Perhaps he thinks you are trapped in the situation and have no options so just have to take it.

I would give him the chance to redeem himself- better behaviour, no nastiness and counselling for him/both of you would be a start. If he isn't interested then there's your answer and you wouldn't have to feel guilty at moving away.

Regarding the moving- there is never a good time. Best to just get on with it.

[Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo]

Loving a drinker never really gets you very far. It certainly never saves them from their worst behaviour.

As far as schools go, I'd maybe look at it like ripping a plaster off quickly. This marriage sounds doomed from your description. It doesn't even sound debatable. If that is accurate, then it's really a question of when the end will come and where you live afterwards. If you really think you'll have to move, then a school move will be on the cards at some point. Do you see any hope for the relationship? Sometimes it helps to get really analytical.

[ilyacailly]

If I took them, what would happen regarding school? I can't just up and leave mid-term to go miles away? That would be very unsettling for my son. If this had been a year ago, he'd still be in nursery so it'd be simpler.

[ilyacailly]

Yes. Yes it is. But he won't listen. I don't think I'm going to stop him if he does go tomorrow. I love him, but this isn't healthy. I'm just terrified about how the hell I'll make this all work.

[Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo]

Time to stop shielding him at the very least?

[Stylingwax]

I'm so sorry that sounds dreadful. I also had a baby 4 months ago, and feeding her now and listening to my DP snoring (bless him), I can't imagine someone behaving so badly.
I think I would also pack up and go. I presume he'll be sleeping it off tomorrow morning so that might be a good opportunity to pack a quiet bag and take the children?

[Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo]

4 times a week with a new baby in the house is seriously OTT.