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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Two years after separation and I'm still wiping his arse for him

35 replies

Shenton · 30/09/2014 14:27

Feels like this will never end ... Please tell me it gets better

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AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2014 17:14

OK, got it! Yes, it does sound like you are a bit 'stuck with him' if you can't get permanent on your own.

I used to work in a job that entailed involvement with INS categories for certification for programs that we administered. I've been retired for a few years so my info may be out of date but there used to be a 'thing' about 'spouse residing in the marital home' as far as getting a green card based on marital relationship. It had to do with 'green card marriages'. If you haven't, you may want to check up on that. I'm assuming your children weren't born here, so no help there. There is an admissions category regarding 'fleeing domestic violence' if that's applicable, but I don't know much about it as it came in just as I was retiring.

You probably have an immigration attorney, so you may already know about all this.

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Shenton · 12/10/2014 15:43

I have temporary residency but can't get permanent, he is therefore on my temporary visa. He can get permanent but it's another 4/5 months away, well if he keeps his job. There is a tipping point though, if it's not forthcoming in the next 4/5 months I will divorce him no matter what

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AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2014 20:03

Not sure I understand, but you don't need to explain if you don't want. You don't have a visa, but he's on yours?

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Shenton · 11/10/2014 06:05

No I need to be married to him to get a visa ... He's currently on mine ... Then as soon as I have the visa I can divorce him ... The end is in sight but gee it's hard some days

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/10/2014 16:40

Can't you do that now? If you are in the States, you can get a stand alone support order without filing for divorce or legal separation. At least in most states you can. You can also get a divorce without his cooperation if he refuses to return the paperwork. My ex refused to sign anything. I had proof of service, a court date was set, he didn't show up. He was considered to have 'defaulted' and divorce was granted.

You haven't confirmed where you are (and I'm not asking!) but if you are in the States, look into divorce 'bifurcation'. Allows the termination of the marriage to proceed and any financials are decided at a later date. Also look into the separate support order.

If you're not in the States, I'm at a loss!

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Miggsie · 09/10/2014 13:03

After 2 years separate you can apply for formal legal separation and he can't contest it.

Otherwise you are effectively not separated at all.

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Shenton · 09/10/2014 13:01

Beggars belief it really does, I cannot wait until I can just go through the CSA then he can explain this shite to them and see if they have any sympathy

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AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2014 13:42

I think that's pretty typical. BFF's ex was the same. Deducted stuff he bought whilst their son was with him from the next month's cheque. Wankers!!

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Shenton · 06/10/2014 00:17

He thought he would not have to pay child support for the 3 weeks per year he looks after then too ... Er

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AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2014 18:41

Makes sense not to want to disrupt the children's support system.

Ha! Staying at your house. Ha ha! Amazing how they just think 'Right, I'll just do THIS' without a thought that you'll go 'Not only no, but HELL NO!!'.

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Shenton · 05/10/2014 15:35

I don't want to be honest ... In the short term it might be easier but bigger picture I want to be here and the kids friends are helping then through all this bulkshit. I haven't the energy to start again if I'm honest. Plus if we go back he'll never see the kids again, at least here I might get a few weeks per year respite. The twat thinks he's staying at my house to see the kids at Christmas - I think not - typical though

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AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2014 14:26

I'm glad that you have some 'leverage' at least! It's not pathetic at all. It's a tool, use it! I certainly would.

You don't have to answer, but what is stopping you from moving home if you think it would be easier on you?

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Shenton · 05/10/2014 13:44

I managed to get the ball in my court again slightly by threatening to withdraw his visa and move home, pathetic to have to stoop to his level and stressful for me too but what can you do ? Counting the days until his hold over me is removed, that's in the hands of his company unfortunately.

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AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 17:04

It's unfortunate that here so many people 'fall through the cracks' because there really isn't much of a safety net unless you are pretty much destitute.

You can go online to DMV (at least in some states) and release liability in a vehicle even if Mr Twat won't change the registration. That means future tickets won't go on your record & you won't be liable for them. It's not the same as changing the registration, all it means is that you are no longer liable for tickets or accidents. It also allows you to drop insurance on the vehicle. At least where I live it does, you'd need to check your own state laws. DH and I did this on the vehicle we gave to our son. He was being lazy about changing the reg AND getting parking tickets. Speeding tix are on his license when he is stopped, unless he ran a red light and the camera caught the plate.

In some states you can get a 'no cost to you' court order for support and wage garnishment through Dept of Children's Services. It's been a few years since I had anything to do with them (through a prior job) but there was no income limit for their assistance. They help you do the paperwork, you do the running around (filing, etc) and they will enforce the order. They'd rather do the work & get you the child support than increase the public assistance rolls.

It's not as easy to find help here, but it is out there. Not as good as other countries, but every little bit helps.

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Shenton · 04/10/2014 15:07

Exactly

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AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 14:15

Ah, not in the UK meaning you don't live there? If you're US then I understand. Not much of a safety net here.

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Shenton · 04/10/2014 07:43

I just can't .... Not in the UK

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/10/2014 07:38

Why can't you claim benefits?

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Shenton · 04/10/2014 07:06

I have lol
Went down like a lead balloon, my solicitor basically said tell him to fcuk off we'll deal with him in court, plonker.

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AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 01:36

I'd tell him to do his own flippin' taxes!

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Romeyroo · 03/10/2014 06:15

It is hard. I spent most of the money I had on a lawyer to get mine to leave me alone. But in the end, it was a case of accepting minimum child support so there was no leverage and explicitly telling him to stop bullying me. He is still refusing to sign anything, but I have taken it as far as I can.

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Shenton · 03/10/2014 04:56

I'm filing separately he wants me to do his tax return for him too since I have all the paper work and have done all the leg work for a house that isn't even in my name and he refuses to sign a scrap of paper to say it will be ... I am digging my heels on this one though

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AcrossthePond55 · 02/10/2014 18:10

It is being caught between a rock and a hard place!! As far as he is concerned he IS doing you the biggest favour, after all what is more important (to him) than MONEY (and hurting you)!! Obviously not the welfare of his children! I just don't understand how men don't seem to understand that when they withhold money to get back at the ex they are really just depriving their children. Unfortunately as long as you need his money to make ends meet he'll hold it over your head. Damn.

It can change in a heartbeat, all he has to do is decide to get 'pissy' about something. Again, perhaps another visit to a solicitor about getting an increase in support via court order? If a solicitor says that you have a really good chance of getting an increased amount with an enforceable order, those horses can be just as scared as they want! He'd still be legally bound to pay. Or maybe just the threat of one would be enough to make him pay up and shut up.

And do separate all the things you possibly can, like the car registration. As far as taxes go, do you still have to file joint returns after what appears from your post to be a 2 year separation? Again, don't know a thing about UK taxes but here you can file 'married, filing separately' if you aren't living together. Sometimes it's more advantageous that way, sometimes not.

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Shenton · 02/10/2014 00:12

I already work full time, the only thing I could realistically do is move house but we've literally just done that and the location of this one makes the other stuff, getting the kids to school etc logistically possible.
I feel caught because if he pays support we can live but realistically that could and has changed in a heart beat. He offers no practical support, only speaks to the kids via telephone and yet makes out he's doing me the biggest favour.
I have looked into going to court to make the amounts paid enforceable but I suspect that will just scare the horses.

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AcrossthePond55 · 01/10/2014 18:07

I don't know anything about UK benefits so can't advise you there. All I can suggest is that you sit down and calculate if there is any way you can do without the extra support. I guess I'd rather eat beans for every meal and shop at thrift shops than be tied to an ex the way you unfortunately are. He's financially abusive, no doubt!

If you really need the extra support to make ends meet is there any way of going back to court and increasing the amount? Is there some way you can get a part time job? Can you move back in with your parents? Take in a boarder?

It also sounds as if you aren't living in your home (you mention letting it). Would it be cheaper to move back in? Can you increase the rent? Would you be better off to sell the house to give you a 'nest egg'?

Any or all of these suggestions may not apply or be worthwhile. I'm just trying to figure out what I would do in your situation. I guess the bottom line is what, if anything, are you willing or able to do without to cut that tie that binds you to him.