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How do I recover?

9 replies

Mosschops30 · 27/03/2013 17:33

We separated, initiated by me. Initially he was distraught, but now he thinks a split is the right decision, which is true.

But I've started to dream about him, lovely things Hmm how he was when we got married. It's really upsetting.

I know our marriage was shit and I know it's virtually impossible to get back from here.

How do you move on? When does it start feeling better? When do u stop questioning your decisions and stop wondering what might have been if things were different?

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 27/03/2013 19:35

It gets easier. Sometimes it helps to remember every really shitty thing they have done! Time makes it better. A cliche, but true. There will be days when you wake up, and just feel a bit better, then more of them. I never questioned that I was making the wrong decision. I am sad that he chose a career path as an arse, but that was his choice, not mine, and I don't have to live with it, and neither does dd. I got out when he had started OD and then involving teenage DD in mind games, after years of EA and some PA. Our home is a lot more relaxed now. x

Mosschops30 · 27/03/2013 21:39

parsley thank you I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I think the fact that he didn't do anything terrible, we just weren't happy, didnt want the same things, weren't intimate, had no respect for each other.
I think maybe it would be easier if he was awful.

It makes me sad that it ended up this way, I'm sad about it all

OP posts:
scaevola · 27/03/2013 21:53

It's totally normal to mourn the end of a relationship, even when you know it's gone irretrievably bad. The bits you are dreaming of are the early days, the rose-tinted good bits; it's saying goodbye to the 'might have been', which has also now been given a more final ending. You've known for some time that the relationship changed, and wasn't that hoped-for happy version. But the final severing of the relationship ends the tiny possibility that the good version might somehow reassert itself.

Your head knows it won't. But your heart isn't on the same timetable. And that's OK.

Mosschops30 · 27/03/2013 22:21

Great post thanks. That is exactly how it feels. Grieving for the marriage it never was

OP posts:
JoAlone · 27/03/2013 22:30

I think giving up on hope is the hardest thing to do.

What I found helpful was drawing up a timeline, so that I knew what happened to bring me to that point. Also, consequent to my divorce more things have come to light that I was unable to see whilst I was so close to the situation.

I have found it goes in cycles. You have to ask yourself what it is you really miss? Is it just the familiar (better the devil you know)? or is it more? Starting out new is hard, I spent most of the first year questioning, knowing in my head, but my heart kept on questioning. He even came back at the end of the first year and said all the things I needed and wanted to hear, but the fundamentals that drove us apart were still there, and as much as I wanted to kid myself, I really had to be honest.

My sister did the whole, try again, and again, and again thing, and it constantly ended in tears and drama, I didn't want to put myself through that, but it doesn't mean I wasn't tempted. It has only been recently (almost 2 years on) when he started a new relationship (meet to marry in 6 months flat) that I realised the guy he was for this new girl is who I missed, not the man I was married to for 17 years, and I was finally grateful that I was never ever going to go back there.

Also, I would warn against post divorce 'hook ups', I went there, and I regret it, at the time I convinced myself I was able to do the whole 'platonic' thing, but I paid the price later.

Hope that is somewhat helpful. Hang in there, it does get much better. I am feeling more and more liberated every day.

Mosschops30 · 28/03/2013 09:40

Thanks jo what u said makes lots of sense.
I know I miss the man I married but he hasn't been that man for a long time. It will be hard when he is that man with someone new, but I know he can never be that man with me

I don't miss much to be honest, I haven't had a relationship for a while Hmm

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 28/03/2013 18:50

Moss I don't know that they ever re-invent themselves completely. In a new relationship, there may be a 'loved up' period for a while, but their ishoos usually occurr again, when they are unwilling to admit/address them. So don't feel the new woman is getting something better than you had.

Moanranger · 31/03/2013 22:21

It is still early days for me, but when I feel really upset, I use visualisations. I imagine my STBXH in a little rowboat all alone drifting to the horizon & disappearing. Maybe there is something like this you can imagine. It really helps.

pinkypig · 03/04/2013 13:24

Mosschops I am going through similar. Feeling very sad but ultimately starting to realise things had changed (he had a 16 month affair and lied to everyone) and it will not work again. Sadly we have 4 tiny children involved. Am I right in thinking you yourself had a baby about a year ago? I could be thinking of the wrong moss...?

I found some comfort in the replies you got above, so thanks for posting.

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