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When is it time to call it a day?

9 replies

thesnootyfox · 11/03/2013 11:03

All long term relationships go through ups and downs. How do you know when it is time to stop trying?

If your partner refuses to leave the family home how do you deal with that?

OP posts:
MOSagain · 11/03/2013 11:17

It is not easy, I've been there myself Sad
Do you have children? Are you married (am guessing not as you say partner).
Whose name is the house in?

Is there any violence? If so, you may have grounds to 'get him out' with an occupation order through the courts.

thesnootyfox · 11/03/2013 11:25

We have children. Married and house in joint names. I don't even want to split up at the moment. I'm not in the right place for that now.

I know that if the time does come to split that he will make things difficult. I asked him to leave before and he said he will never leave his children. No violence or anything like that.

We went through a rough patch in the early days of our marriage and came close to splitting up but we decided to stay together and I think that was the right decision back then because we did go onto to have a few years of happiness.

How do I know this isn't another blip? It doesn't feel like another blip. I don't like the person he has become. I don't like the person I have become.

How do I decide?

OP posts:
MOSagain · 11/03/2013 14:05

well, first of all, have you thought about counselling? works for some. At least then you will both be able to put your cards on the table and you will know what the current situation is, ie how you both feel.

I really would recommend trying to talk first. Sounds like nothing really awful has happened that would be a deal breaker (like in my case, my H's adultery). Maybe you are both tired and are taking each other for granted and don't make time for each other? Happens a lot when you have kids that seem to take priority. I used to long for the opportunity to have a conversation with DH without being interrupted.

How old are kids?

Just so you know, only one ground for divorce, that the marriage has irretrievably broken down which must be backed up by one of 5 facts.

  1. adultery (of other party)
  2. unreasonable behaviour
  3. 2 years separation(and consent)
  4. dessertion
  5. 5 years separation.

    so, if you did want to separate and divorce now, your only option would be probably unreasonable behaviour (as you've not mentioned adultery). If the house in joint names, you'd need his agreement to sell (or him to move out) and if he refused to do so your only option would be an application to the court for ancillary relief (finances) to be dealt with and it would be a long and expensive process.

    Therefore, my advice to you would be to try to talk to him. get a babysitter, go out for a meal, just the two of you and talk.
thesnootyfox · 11/03/2013 15:03

Thank you. He absolutely refuses to go down the counselling route. He is quite old school and considers talking about feelings to be pointless. I think I would have grounds for unreasonable behaviour. Too many examples to list but when he isn't happy he has childish outbursts and talks to me like dirt. It doesn't sound too awful written down but when you have walked on eggshells for a number of years it grinds you down. I have lost respect for him.

I'm not sure I even want to divorce him, can't afford legal fees. A legal separation would work well.

The children are young. One in primary and one part time in nursery. I would get a lot of grief from dh's family if we split up which is another reason why I want to wait until I feel stronger and have a plan.

I feel guilty about the children and dh once said that it proved that I wasn't a good mother because I was considering splitting up. Our current situation can't be good for them. There is no affection between dh and I and ds sometimes calls me stupid and useless because he is copying dh. Dh reprimands ds1 but still thinks it is acceptable to talk to me like this.

I think I would be a better parent on my own but I might be wrong what if I get it wrong and damage my children?

My friends who I'm not really that close to look embarrassed when I have mentioned not being happy in my relationship so I don't really discuss it with anyone.

I'm not going to do anything for at least 6 months, I'm looking into benefits etc and want to have a plan B in case my marriage does fail. I wish someone else could make the decision for me as I just don't feel confident in my decision making ability at the moment.

OP posts:
MOSagain · 11/03/2013 15:44

I'm sorry but that is complete bollocks about you not being a good mother for considering splitting up. Is it good for the children to live in a house with unhappy parents (or one desparately unhappy mother and one ignorant/stubborn father)? No, it isn't. I used to work as a family lawyer (not currently practicing, working on career change) and the number of clients I had that came to see me when they were in their late 40's and 50's saddened me when they said they'd only stayed for the children and they realised in hindsight that was the wrong thing to do.

Of course you don't feel confident in your decision making. I'm guessing your H's behaviour has worn you down and stripped you of your confidence and self-esteem. I'm guessing you are not working? What about a part-time job or a college course, something to give you 'you' time.

I had counselling last year after a really bad time and it made me realise I'd 'lost me' over the past few years so I started several college courses and am looking for a job (first interview in 10 years on Wednesday) and I'm starting to feel so much better x

thesnootyfox · 11/03/2013 16:54

I work albeit on a very part time basis. I have plans for more study once my youngest is in full time education. I'm quite ambitious and optimistic for my future I just feel stuck in a rut at the moment. I put my career on hold when I had children which with hindsight was a huge mistake and I didn't even reach that decision for the right reasons.

I don't want to live in an unhappy marriage. I don't want to live with dh. He is obnoxious to virtually everyone he meets and I feel that by association my reputation is damaged too.

I think I need to get myself strong and then make a decision.

I don't want to become a bitter old woman. But I'm also nervous of the fallout from dh's family.

OP posts:
MOSagain · 17/03/2013 18:15

How are things at the moment snooty?
I was ambitious and optimistic but also put my career on hold in order to move abroad to support DH in his career. Boy, do I regret that now Sad

You do need to get stronger and take control but I know, it is much easier said that done. Don't be worried about his family, put yourself first for once and look after yourself.

I feel myself getting more and more bitter and angry every day and so many of my friends have commented on how down I am. When you are feeling that low though, its so hard to get out of it.

JoAlone · 30/03/2013 13:26

Dear Snooty,

Have you considered the fact that you are probably going to remain ground down as long as you share a house? You are 'waiting' to get stronger in 6 months. And you are 'waiting' to see if the marriage is going to last. He has not agreed to take your request for counselling seriously, he has questioned your parenting skills based on your wanting to break the relationship from a person who is clearly in no way commited to making it work. He sounds arrogant, his way or no way.

Things will not get better, trust me. He sounds emotionally abusive. You talk about walking on egg shells. I know that feeling well, did it for 17 years, now have tight hamstrings, not worth it. There will be a fallout, but only because you are 'breaking the family silence'. I realised I stayed for all the wrong reasons, until my 11 year old daughter asked me to leave! I was staying for her, for his ageing grandmother and for so many other reasons, financially, security. Now that I am on my own with my daughter I realise none of those reasons made sense. My grandmother-in-law was sad, but she has just as readily embraced the new wife. I was financially never secure with him, and I remain insecure, except I don't have him spending my hardearned money on other women (only found out after 2 years seperated) anymore. I have my own boat to paddle, but I am doing it on my own. It is exhausting and at times I feel like I won't make it over the next wave, but, when I come home, it is peaceful, I sleep deeply, I no longer wake up with my jaw clenched and my body rigid from the stress. It is hard raising my daughter by myself, but I no longer have him undermining each and every rule I try to lay down, I no longer have him trying to pit my daughter against me, making her feel bad about herself. I no longer have him trying to 'buy' her love with tons of sweets that make her feel worse about herself. My daugther and I have been on our own for just over 2 years and she has got a lot of respect for me, for leaving him, she saw him for what he is, and she is a good girl. she is a teenager, and I am petrified of the next few years, but I know no matter what happens, I will be able to handle it much better without him questioning my judgement, driving away my friends and family and basically making my life a very unpleasant place to be.

I know it is mainly my story, but the take home message is, it is your life, the only one you have, if you decide to stay, you have to accept that things will not get better. I didn't leave immediately, I did a degree, and got myself financially in a better place, but giving myself the permission to 'let go' was a huge step. The thing I think that is most important is to decide what you want in life, and then work out a way of getting it. Also, look up the term 'gaslighting' see if it rings true for you at all, it's what my ex did to me.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Milly22 · 31/03/2013 00:55

We were going to do the separation agreement through solicitors but then mine said that as we're paying them now and if we're really sure just go for divorce as you'll only have to pay in the future for the divorce. Found a solicitor who's fab, fair and honest (rare I know). If I'm honest, I think you already know deep down what the answer is to your own question really.

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