To anyone who's considering a divorce

[onetiredmummy]

Well I've been on here for the first time today reading some of the threads & I can feel the misery & pain coming out of them. So I thought I'd share some stuff from my own divorce a couple of years ago...

Firstly, well done to everyone who has been honest & looked into their hearts & knew that their marriage is over. That is a hard thing to do as it feels so much like a personal failure. Its also scary, its like a road that you've been travelling on a long time & suddenly there's a fork & on one side you can carry on like you have been doing & on the other side is an unknown path that you don't know where it will end. So it takes bravery to leave the well trodden path for the unknown.

I was married 12 years & had a house near Bristol which was lovely & on the surface we were doing great. My exH had a good job that earned him a lot of money, we had ds1 who is now 6 & I kept up the pretence to everyone that we were fine, lying to my own family as well as his. Like I said he earned a lot of money but I didn't see most of it as he started a cocaine addiction in the first 3 years of ds's life. I can't be sure when as he is also an alcoholic & after ds was born he spent every single night at the pub with his mates, only coming home once he knew ds was in bed. Poor little ds didn't see his dad from Saturday to Saturday & of course I was left totally with all the work. He did not once do a night feed, a bath, cook a dinner etc. He would occasionally take him out so I could have a rest but always took him to the pub so he could have a drink himself. I started finding the cocaine wrappers in his jeans pockets when I picked them off the floor to wash them & it was when he came in drunk one night & in the morning I found a packet of coke on the table where ds could easily have picked it up that I started to think about leaving. But I thought I could help him through it, he promised to stop & then I got pregnant with ds2. Once ds2 was born his behaviour didn't change & I was left with the total care of a newborn & a 3 year old while he carried on going out every night & snorting £s up his nose. When ds2 was 4 months old I asked him to change a nappy while I was getting ds1 to bed & he made a comment along the lines of 'if he was single he wouldn't have to do this. ' & at that second I knew my marriage was over & I hated him, I utterly despised him & I told him I was leaving him.

I moved back to warwickshire, left the house, my job, my friends, ds1 had started school 2 weeks before but I left it all & came back to my family. He stopped paying the mortgage so the house was repossessed so I rent at the min, there's a loan of £63k that I didn't know about secured on the house which I am liable for in full as is he & other debts. But do you know, I have never once regretted it. I found ds1 a new school & have been a SAHM since as I can't find a term time job so cash is tight but I haven't been this happy in over 12 years.

I'll never forget the relief that overcame me once I said the words, that I was leaving him. People talk about a weight off their shoulders but suddenly the whole world seemed lighter. I'd been dreading his reaction & it was as I'd thought, shouting, accusations, terrible words etc but I was so relieved I honestly didn't care, I knew what he said would never touch me again & it hasn't. He hasn't paid me for over a year as he lost his job so I went to the CSA & that's still in motion, he sees the boys once every couple of months as he doesn't have the cash to make the journey more often & I don't drive at the min. I hope his family have found out the truth about him & regret their words to me about breaking the family up etc etc

So to anyone who is thinking of divorce or who has made up their mind that its the course to take, have faith in yourself. You know what is best for you & your children & you have a right to be happy. Yes its scary, yes it involves shouting & arguments & angry exH's but have you ever known anyone who's said 'that divorce was a mistake'. No, because we all know when something's broken & we have the courage to fix it. Too many ladies in the past have put up with selfish unbearable behaviour because they couldn't walk away. We can, we do have that choice & I'd say to anyone, try this, think about getting into bed with that man tonight & if you don't want to then there's something wrong. Be courageous & look it in the face & see it for what it is. Don't get to your deathbed & think I've wasted my life. Grab your life with both hands because its precious & get yours back like I did.

Sorry for the length I truly am, I didn't expect it to get this long :)

[belledejour]

I agree with Xenia - I tell my two girls that the key to happiness is financial independence, and that they must work hard, be ambitious and get good jobs. Luckily I carried on working after having my kids, although I went part-time. I was offered promotion to a management role twice, but this would have meant working full time and after discussing the possibility with my husband I turned them down.

However, when my DDs were 2 and 5, my husband left us and now hasn't paid any maintenance for a year. We scrape by on my salary and I worry about money non-stop. Society seems so crazy and topsy turvy to me - girls are high achievers, we encourage them to work hard and do well in exams etc and for what - to get married, give up work and be powerless and like a child, supported by a man and thus at their whim and their mercy.

Anyway, aside from that, I applaud the OP for her inspiring story. I too have been much happier since divorce ? I feel I have really grown up and into the person that I was supposed to be.

[rhoobabble]

Xenia, what a truly 80s feminist you are. Surely Feminism gives a woman the right to do as she wishes? And speaking from personal experience (having worked as a Headteacher at a large academy prior to, during and after all three of my pregnancies) I now have to stay at home and that is bloody hard work, It is sad that even in these enlightened times certain women still hold on to that vaguely eighties hard nosed feminism that allows the derision of other women's choices. Good for you for providing a fab role model and massive income, but don't put those of us down who choose to live another way. We are not all blinded by bling and Ugg boots.

[Midwife99]

Such an inspiring & courageous story OP! Xenia I agree from my past experience that I'm glad I have a career as a back up to support myself & my DCs but some of us despite years at Uni & "professional" careers are never going to earn 10x anyone because we are lowly public servants on a pay freeze & lowish salaries v skills. Also I choose to work part time so I can be there for my DCs too. This is true feminism in my view - the choice to do both if I wish.

[DoingItForMyself]

Well said Midwife. I do wish I'd had a proper career to fall back on and perhaps I would have had the confidence and financial security to get out a long time ago. I did study to degree level (although not a particularly vocational course, so should have chosen better at the time) so I know I had it in me to be successful, but just never found the right path.

I gave up my (not brilliant) job at H's insistence after a few months of being together, as the shifts I worked were a bit anti-social and he said there was no point marrying me if he was never going to see me. I believed that to have him in my life I had to resign. It was a slippery slope from there to pregnancy to total dependence on him

Ironic that one of the main reasons I believe our marriage hasn't worked is because his shifts are very anti-social and so we've had virtually no family life for the past 3 or 4 years!!