Dementia, incontinence and going on holiday!

[Goneforaride]

My DH was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia last year. He also had a mild stroke three months ago, for which he was in hospital for a short while before coming home. As a result of both these things, he's developed significant urinary incontinence issues, and occasional faecal incontinence as well. He wears pads etc to manage this, but the bed is wet most mornings and he has "accidents" of both types on the floor from time to time - mostly in the bathroom, when he doesn't quite get to the toilet in time.

Whilst he's generally OK at home with me as his carer, and I manage in my own way, we have a long standing booking to go to a UK holiday cottage this summer. I'm considering cancelling as I can't see how this situation can be managed whilst away from home: I'll be constantly worried about him making a mess on someone else's floors/furniture/bedding. This will be no holiday for me! (Sorry if that sounds selfish).

We will have to take a car load of protective sheets, covers etc and our own bed linen, cleaning materials, completely re-make the bed he will be sleeping on when we arrive/leave, ensure we have a week's worth supply of pads/black bags for disposal purposes etc. I can manage all of this at home, but trying to do it in a strange house which belongs to someone else, keep everything clean and sanitary etc is giving me nightmares.

Any and all advice would be most welcome. I feel awful reading this back, but WWYD? Thank you.

[Nabooh]

I know you say he wears pads but can you not get him adult nappies so it's completely contained?

I would cancel too OP :( What an awful situation to be in.

[DustyLee123]

Yes, I’d cancel. And look at adult nappies.
There used to be some service in the community for washing bedding etc, for incontinence. Might be worth asking at the GP.

[olderbutwiser]

Why would cancelling be selfish? Does he particularly want to go? I take it he can’t help with the clearing up any more?

[Mandie74]

I'm sure he's as worried about going as you are.

[C2190]

You could always cancel and book to go on a dementia friendly holiday? I worked closely with a family who did this, and they absolutely loved their time away.

[SeaToSki]

Being away from home, without familiar surroundings and routines, may well exacerbate his dementia. I would cancel

[Brendabigbaps]

I’d cancel, your not selfish, your thinking if the 2 most important people in all this.
it’s not a holiday for you and it’s not a holiday for your husband, he’s going to be confused by the change in location.
if you’ve taken time off work do what you can to make it a relaxing time at home, go to places he remembers. A break doesn’t need to be away from the home

[C2190]

You can also get adult continence pants. They range in different sizes and strengths to suit the individuals needs.

[TheShellBeach]

Would be even enjoy a holiday now?
Many people with dementia don't cope at all well with being out of their known routines and homes.

Either way, it sounds very difficult.

Has he been seen by a continence nurse?

[whereiwanttobe]

My sister and I managed with my mum in a similar condition last summer, by doing exactly as you suggest. We took our own bedding, remade the bed totally with protective sheets, and used nighttime adult nappies - we found the pads useless for containing leaks. But at that point she always slept through the night so we had no concerns about accidents during the night. During the day there was a downstairs loo and hard flooring throughout so less to worry about, although we also put protective covers on the one sofa she sat on.

I honestly think it wasn't worth it. She got very confused about where we were and why. She didn't like the change of routine, and totally forgot the holiday within a day of getting home. She would probably have been just as happy with a day trip to the seaside as she enjoys a car journey and a plate of fish and chips!

[C2190]

And one more thing. Please look after yourself. You are important too. There is help out there for if and when you need it.

[maudelovesharold]

Unless you think he will really, really enjoy it, I would cancel without feeling guilty. It’s going to be a week of you worrying and having to cope in a strange environment. Do day trips instead. Whether you go or not, I would also endorse Tena pants or the like (hate the term adult nappies, although they do have the same absorbency). My Mum decided to wear them when she developed mobility issues, because she worried about not getting to the loo in time. They’re just like pulling a pair of pants up.

[justdontknowwhat2doo]

Cancel or leave him at home with a live in carer while you do.

You need the break, I wouldn't think for a second any of you would enjoy this trip if he is forced to come too.

I've looked after a relative who had same conditions, taking them out to local hospital appointments was bad enough, taking them on holiday (unless it was a last request/very significant reason) would have been a sick joke!

[Goneforaride]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm relieved to hear that people agree with me that this will not be a holiday!

To answer a few questions ...

Yes, he has seen the continence nurse (who has been brilliant!). She has provided pads for him to try, but his dementia/confusion makes using them too complicated. He wears Tena pants, as they work like normal pants, but the continence nurse has also provided some adult nappy type pads which he refuses point blank to wear - the type that stick at the sides like a baby nappy. The Tena pants work most of the time and we have washable covers for the bed for him to sleep on which help reduce the constant bad changing.

I think cancelling is the way to go, sadly.

@C2190 thank you .... I have had a Carers Assessment recently and all manner of channels of help are opening up now. I'll see how it goes over the coming weeks.

[boomingaround]

Is there any way you could go away on your own for a few days? It might be impossible but it sounds like it would be much needed. Perhaps there is a live in carer who could come?

[Goneforaride]

@boomingaround ... I would love to do this. We are going to the particular location on that specific week for a family reason (not an event we have to attend, such as a wedding) so I might look into the process of getting someone in.

I think I will post this on the Alzheimers Society forum too to get input from them. All opinions and advice is welcome, as I'm still very new to this situation and finding it all a bit overwhelming, to behest.

Thank you again.