Supporting a carer

[warmmfeet]

Hello

Looking for any advice on supporting my mother-in-law who is full time carer for my FiL who has dementia.

Long story short she's not currently got any support and doesn't want any. We've all tried several times to get her to accept a carer (and will continue to) but at the moment she's caring for him herself at home. Adamant she doesn't want him in a care home unless she can't move him. His mobility fluctuates but generally they manage.

He sleeps 20 hours a day and doesn't wander, he's generally pleasantly confused but needs support with almost every aspect of daily life.

I'm really worried about her mental health and wondered if anyone on here has been through similar and if there was anything (other than getting a carer) that was helpful?

[JennyWreny]

@warmmfeet We were in a similar position except my parent was very active and things were becoming unsafe at home so they went for respite in a nursing home for a few weeks and didn't go back home.

I notice your comment that she is adamant that she doesn't want him to go into a care home. It's such a shame and I think that some people think they are failing if their loved one goes into a home. Can you try to change her way of thinking about care homes? We concentrated on the fact that they would be looked after by people who are trained and during the nighttime by people who have slept during the day, rather than at home where no one was getting much sleep. That actually the whole environment was less stressed at the home because there were plenty of staff to help. They have the equipment/expertise to make your FIL comfortable. Would they consider respite for a few weeks to give your MIL a break.

It also helped us to have some long chats with a dementia advisor from Alzheimers society.

She could also request a carers assessment from the local council - although sounds like she might not agree to this.

Lastly, I would suggest that you repost on the Elderly Parents topic as this topic is quite quiet. Lots of posters with similar experiences on there.

[HeddaGarbled]

Take it in turns to sit with him so she can go out on her own a couple of times a week: to shop, go to the hairdresser, see a friend, do a social activity etc.

Take on anything practical that you can: shopping, gardening, home maintenance, dealing with utility suppliers etc.

Drive her or them both to places they need to go.

Take her or both of them out for coffee or lunch or visits to places he can cope with.

Visit lots. I mean, really, lots and lots. She needs the company and to feel supported. Take food and do household jobs when you go.

I disagree about nagging on at her about care homes etc. She’ll get there if it ever gets to the stage where she’s on her knees with exhaustion (my mum got there in the end but she wasn’t ready to hear it before that point).

Research dementia so you can give useful advice as new stuff comes up.

[Hmmph]

"Help" your FIL buy her a present and card for her birthday and Christmas, especially if she is doing all the cards and presents from him and her to everyone else.

[warmmfeet]

Thank you everyone, so many very helpful suggestions from you all.