Dementia and upsets at Christmas

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced similar.

A few years before my DM (Alzheimer’s) was bad enough to need a care home, a DSis and young niece came from the US to stay for Christmas. They spent the first couple of nights with DM - I was then going to pick them all up (60 miles each way) to come to us on Christmas Eve.

A few hours before I set off, DSis phoned to say DM was very sorry, but she really thought she’d rather stay at home, in relative peace and quiet.

I don’t mind admitting that I was partly relieved, since even before dementia DM wasn’t always the easiest person, so quick to take offence at the tiniest thing.

So I said OK, if that’s what she wants - took her presents and some specially nice food and brought DSis and niece back here.

Later that evening, when everybody else was out, DM phoned, absolutely furious. What was she doing all on her own on Christmas Eve? I was a terrible daughter, she was cutting me out of her will, etc.

Of course I tried to tell her that of course! she’d been invited - she hadn’t wanted to come! Useless, she simply couldn’t remember anything about it.

If she’d changed her mind, I’d come and pick her up now!
No, she didn’t want that either! Banged the phone down, furious.

I honestly don’t know when I’ve been so upset - I was in tears for ages.

Dreading what was coming, I phoned her on Christmas Day anyway. And of course (as I should perhaps have expected) she’d forgotten the whole thing completely, was quite happy.
The relief was colossal!

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

That must have been horrendous for you. I am fortunate that when my DM's dementia started to affect her cognition significantly she started to loose her language at the same rate. When she was at home with me very few people were aware of how much she was changing but 48 hours into her hospital visit and it was obvious that she had real difficulty with communication and understanding.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

It’s a truly horrible disease, isn’t it, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere . I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it.

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

I always tended to be on the receiving end of DM's frustration and did all I could to keep the peace and keep her happy but now she doesn't know me most of the time anyway. During a visit a couple of weeks ago she was delighted to see my cousin then scowled at me and asked my cousin "Who's that woman you've got with you?"

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

Are you having trouble moving in from this @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER?

I think you handled it very well and your DM had clearly forgotten all about it by the next day. I don't think you did anything wrong

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Oh no, but thanks anyway, @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto . I was just wondering whether anyone else had experienced similar.

[DriftingDora]

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Oh no, but thanks anyway, @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto . I was just wondering whether anyone else had experienced similar.

It's so sad, but how true is the saying that when Alzheimer's or dementia strikes the person you knew is gone, long before they die. But it's not easy to shrug off episodes like the one you've described by thinking that your mother simply doesn't know what she's saying - you wouldn't be human if you weren't upset. Things are much harder for the person at the receiving end.

[Beargrumps22]

before my mil died 3 years ago she had often said she was having trouble with Fil but they were not Romeo and Juliet so just thought general grumbles. after all, he often stayed in bed all day so no problems. unfortunately, we soon found out that yes he slept all day but shouted and roamed about all night. to cut it short after a few bad falls he went from hospital to nursing home and they often had to move him to different rooms due to his noise at night. we have just lost him sadly but before he died for about 6 months he never spoke and on most visits, he was sound asleep partly due to him being sedated to calm him down. anyway the last visit we had he suddenly would not stop talking he was busy telling my oh to behave himself worrying about whether we were okay financially telling me to look after his son oh. when we came out we said that it the calm before the storm and we were right he passed 3 days later