Advice on handling parent with memory loss

[Pillowbed]

My stepmum's Dad had dementia.

She has always been an intensely private person and doesn't like us knowing her business even though she's been our stepmum for 30 years. In the past, she has had times when she gets funny with us over seemly small things so we've always had to tread carefully with her for fear of causing offence or invading her privacy.

She is now getting very forgetful. My sister got a dog 6 months ago and she's met the dog every week. She claims that she's never met the dog and is angry with my sister for keeping the dog from her (even though she hasn't). My sister and her have always had a closer bond but now my sister seems to be very out of favour which is upsetting for my sister.

My question is, how do we help her remember that she has met the dog, gone for dinner, had a visit from my sister etc without making it obvious to my Stepmum that she's very forgetful?

My suggestion is to maybe do a photo album with pictures of her with the dog, her having a cup of tea at my sister's house etc. Would that work?

My stepmum gets extremely defensive if Dad or any of us offer to see the doctor with her. We think that this is why my sister is now public enemy number 1.

My Dad's memory is not as it was either and I think he's been hiding my stepmum's difficulties for a while. He tends to sit on the fence and won't get involved in disagreements between us and Stepmum. Most of the time we all get on.

Any advice gratefully received!

[Mum4all]

Do more research about dementia. You SM will never remember the dog no matter what you do, as her dementia progresses and all attempts to make her remember will only cause her more distress.

The photographs is a good idea as she will enjoy looking at them and may question herself as to who and where.

Introduce her to the dog each time as if it's the first time.

Try to not take personally her responses to you all. It's the disease, such a sad and cruel disease.

My DGM does not know any of us now. My main concern now is that wherever her mind is she is loved, clean and happy, which she is.

[Mum4all]

Apologies if I have confused relatives.

[Pillowbed]

@Mum4all thank you. That is very useful.

I think that we all need a bit of a wake up call and need to have a family meeting without my Stepmum present. Perhaps involving a dementia support person to offer advice to us all going forward.

I keep thinking of my poor Dad trying to hide all of this from us and probably running himself ragged running the home and taking care of her.

I'm thinking if we could apply for Attendance Allowance to get him some support (a gardener, cleaner etc).

[Beamur]

I think talking to your Dad is essential really. Gently and calmly.
Maybe avoid using words like dementia as he's obviously upset and in denial. My PIL was too. Instead we tried from an angle of getting help with the house etc as MIL was also struggling with mobility.
There's a lot of shame and fear about dementia..but earlier intervention can be helpful in terms of gadgets and suchlike, to help your Dad as well.
Good luck.

[KangarooKenny]

Does she have any children/relatives that you could speak to ?
Your DF could also let her GP know, although they won’t discuss her they will take that on board from her NOK.

[Pillowbed]

No children. A sibling that lives in America that she doesn't speak to and we've never met in 30 years (my Dad met once, I think). She's literally just got us. She has no friends either.

[PritiPatelsMaker]

Oh gosh, I've just typed out the biggest response and it's been lost before I could post, so apologies but I think I'm going to do a couple of shorter posts so that things don't get lost.

Getting Attendance Allowance is a really good idea. Would she be agreeable to a cleaner coming in? I've seen posts on here where families have introduced a cleaner/carer as a family friend and sat and chatted altogether a couple of times before the "friend" started cleaning.

I think the first thing to sort out though is POA. This may be a lot more difficult to get once she's diagnosed and then you'd be looking at Guardianship which is more difficult to get and is harder and more expensive to administer. See if you can talk your DF around before broaching the subject with DSM.

[PritiPatelsMaker]

Filling in the Herbert Protocol is a good idea. You'd need to Google Herbert Protocol and the name of their Police Force.

Our experience was that DMIL went from being forgetful to full on delusional and wandering within a relatively short space of time. We didn't need the Herbert Protocol as we found her quite quickly once DFIL had raised the alarm but it was midnight and things could have been much worse.

[PritiPatelsMaker]

And do let us know how you're getting on @Pillowbed

[thesandwich]

Lots of people have recommended “ contented dementia” book which may help. Also admiral nurses.

[Squashedraddish]

My nana has Alzheimer’s. The best thing to do is not argue that’s she’s wrong- you will literally be having the same argument every time otherwise. In her head you have genuinely just got a new dog every time. If you correct her then she’ll get upset and although when you’ve left she might not remember the conversation, the feelings of being agitated, upset and confused might linger.

with my nana we just nod and agree most of the time. So if she thought my dog was new I would just say yes, look how cute she is etc etc. it’s just a case of keeping her happy and content because there are some things she literally will never be able to remember so why stress her out. She tells us some complete made up stories, we just nod and smile. She tells us the same thing about ten times, again we just nod and agree.

also my sister also seems to be my nanas scapegoat. I don’t know why and I don’t have any advice on that front. It is also really hurtful for my sister as she does a lot to help my nana but sometimes my nana is not very nice to her which is upsetting.

[PlntLady]

Unfortunately we have been through this a few times.

I second introducing the dog a new each time. If she happens to say she has met the dog, great the response with 'oh yes, of course you have. Sorry about that'.once you take the conflict out of the situation you will finish she loves the dog and it visit will be very good for her.

You will find this happens more often with other things over time, to the point of getting people she has known for years wrong. Common advice it not to correct them as it causes a great deal of confusion and mental anguish. This worked very well for us on all occasions.

For example, I was 38 but a grandparent thought I was a child and they were on holiday. They were confused how I came to be there. Once I realised the situation I just explained my mum had dropped me off.
Another occasion they thought we had put them in a home and begged us not to leave them there (they were cared for in their own home throughout). We just told them were on a luxury holiday and the career was there as a maid and to do everything for them so they could relax. But that they were going home tomorrow, so just to put their feet up and spend the night getting some quality sleep in the lovely bed that was there. They settle and the next day it was all forgotten anyway.

The problem you will have long term is that she may get upset and then not remember why, but is just left with the feeling. The nack to this is distraction. We found doing colouring books together, watering and walking round the garden, or even just moving to another room would often 'reset' things.
But this depends how advanced things are.

Maybe contact Dementia uk for some advice.