Dad in need of advice - Access to Son

[LEGF]

Hello everyone,

I would really like some advice before going down the legal route with my ex.
We do not have an order in place for me to see my son - myself and my ex have had a verbal agreement for the past 6 months. I see him for approximately 8 hours per week spread over 2 days.
Recently, my ex has been changing the agreement at short notice, stating that my son and her have prior plans or just cancelling for no reason. I ask to make up the time or see him another day but these messages are just ignored or am I told to get over it.
I feel she is doing this simply to punish me and to show me who is in control. I am aware that I probably need to begin legal action but I wanted to know if/what rights I have as his father right now.

I can imagine a lot of you have been through a similar situation to me - I would really like some advice please. Also, if legal action has been taken, how much has it cost you to get a legal agreement in place so you have regular access to your children? Cost should not be an option of course, but unfortunately I do not earn masses amount of money and will probably be looking at loans/family to help.

Thank-you for reading this.

[Lesssugarketchup]

Do you pay maintenance?

[CattyCone]

How old is your son?

[Weal]

Usually, unless there is DV, courts expect parents to try mediation before going to court. Might it be worth starting mediation so you and her can come to a specific agreement about contact. If you manage to get an agreement with the mediator you can ask for an order to be made to formalise the agreement.

If you do end up going for a child arrangement order for contact you can represent yourself. If money is an issue. There are some guides to doing this online.

[LivingDeadGirlUK]

As PP says mediation is your first step, I assume the child is very young?

[MIBnightmare]

@Lesssugarketchup

Do you pay maintenance?

It's not Pay Per view !! Maintenance has no part in contact arrangements . Contact is a legal issue governed by things such as Parental Responsibility.

OP. You need to get a child arrangement order. It is not complicated. It is also super normal these days to self represent . (No lawyer)

You have to go on to the HMCTS website. For most areas it can be done online.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

You have to pay a court fee of £235 (last time I looked ) but if you are on benefits or a low income fill this form in and you can pay a reduced or no fee.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-help-with-court-and-tribunal-fees

Send off the form to the court. You will be asked to attend mediation. This is where you both sit with one legally trained mediator and they help you come to an agreement that suits you both. If she refuses to attend mediation then the mediator will sign it off and the matter will go straight to court.

You turn up for the hearing and tell the court what you want and why (to be part of your child's life) If the child is v small and/or breastfed then expect little and often . If older then set days can be agreed . The starting point is 50/50 .

All of the above assumes you are already named on the birth certificate. If not then you need to apply for Parental Responsibility order at the same time as the Child Arrangement Order

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/1145932/C110722save.pdf

Different forms in Scotland so if that's relevant to you I will send you links .

[Lesssugarketchup]

@MIBnightmare oh you are naive.


the ex has the child 99% of the time.

If he was refusing to pay a penny maintenance and the child was suffering as a result and he was in work

Then hell yes it is relevant.

You don’t get to be Disney dad for 8 hours a week if you don’t put your hand in your pocket.

[Lesssugarketchup]

And I know that’s not the law

But I would not judge the ex for one second if that was indeed the case

[OhBling]

Is there a back story as to why she's not interested in facilitating your relationship with your DS? I'm sorry to be cynical but 8 hours a week isn't exactly a dazzling amount of time - why have you not seen him more than this? Have you always been reliable at turning up at the time you say you will? And is the 8 hours pre-agreed or just vague as in "I'll come by on Friday...." and then she's expected to be at home all day so that when you turn up at 15:00 her and your DS are there? As a PP said, are you paying maintenance because of course, pay per view is not how it should, BUT... if you aren't, that would piss her off endlessly and again, make her unlikely to be helpful in facilitating your relationship.

However, having said all that, take the advice from @MIBnightmare and go through the steps to formalise things.

[Lesssugarketchup]

Is there any reason Op why you seem to have been perfectly happy with 4 hours a day x2 for the last 6 months?

You mentioned it was a verbal agreement and gave no indication that this paltry amount was anything other than good for you

[MIBnightmare]

@Lesssugarketchup

And I know that’s not the law

But I would not judge the ex for one second if that was indeed the case

No that is not the law and perhaps even more relevant.. wasn’t even the question. !

The question was how can I see my child more often and not be at the mercy of the other parent trying to thwart that.

There are plenty of mums who are less than saintly when it comes to contact . There are an even greater number who go out of their way to facilitate it even though the father has been a dick. No one size fits all.

On the basis that the OP provided no background except he is currently seeing him 8 hours a week - we have no idea if that’s because he can’t be arsed to see the child more - or that’s is all that the mother has permitted. So taking the steps to get a CAO is the only sensible way forward.

I am very keen that fathers know how to go about it as I know the stress my DH and his DC went through when he left her. The old story of ‘using the kids as a weapon’ . He went to a solicitor who told him it would cost ‘at least’ £3k .. which he thought was the end of it as it would take him at least 6 months to save that. (He was paying rent as she was in the family home) . The solicitor didn’t mention that he could do it himself for (at the time) £210.. which he did and was awarded 40/60.

[LEGF]

Yes I do pay maintenance every month.

[Lesssugarketchup]

How come you agreed to 8 hours over two days OP?

[Lesssugarketchup]

And in my opinion - when such scant information is provided in the OP as this one - it’s usually because the OP would rather we didn’t know

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Can you tell us how you came to the 2x4 hours arrangement? What's the logic behind that?

Have you by any chance let her down at the last minute for which she is now punishing you?

[LEGF]

Thank-you so much for you advice. This is incredibly helpful.
I see him for 2 hours after work one evening and 6 hours on a Sunday. That is what was agreed with his mother and I was grateful for this because at least she was giving me
something. (It started 4 hours on a weekend but I asked for more time and this is what she gave). I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I know that right now she could take that time away at any point.
My son is 2. There has never ever been any DV and we did not have any issues previously. Just since separating.

[Lesssugarketchup]

So you stay in his home or take him to yours during your time with him?

Are you aware that she’s perhaps begun a new relationship?

Did this change literally come out of the blue or was their an argument

[MsMarch]

Why haven't you asked for more time? Do you always turn up on time and stick to the arrangement? And is the maintenance you pay the CMS amount?

If things are amicable between you, I don't understand why she's restricting time with your DS? Does she ever say?

[FriendsDrinkBook]

Definitely follow the fantastic legal advice given.

I just wanted to post to so say that overnight visits to my child's father were not put in place until they turned 3. Up to that point it was eo Saturday for 6 hours plus an afternoon visit (weekly) on a weekday for 3 hours. Very similar to what you've agreed already.

Good luck.

[TheTERFnextDoor]

I think people are being a bit hard on the OP here.

He's asking for advice and posters are nitpicking over irrelevant details. If you don't have anything to contribute, then don't post.

[Neverinamonthofsundays]

Are you on the birth cert?

[Quitelikeit]

Why not compose a polite email, detailing what contact you would like and when?

Mention that you would like to stick to the agreement 100pc unless there was significant unforeseen circumstances

State that you do not want to have to go down the legal route but that you might need to if you are not allowed to see your son

[Hobbi]

@Lesssugarketchup

So you stay in his home or take him to yours during your time with him?

Are you aware that she’s perhaps begun a new relationship?

Did this change literally come out of the blue or was their an argument

Keep at it, if you carry on moving the goalposts and asking new questions, he's bound to prove he's a horrible male eventually. Especially if you don't apologise for all the unfounded and untrue accusations so far.

[Danikm151]

tell her you would like to review the arrangements that you currently have and say you’re happy to go through mediation if you can’t agree.

My son sees his dad eow for 1 weekend.(his choice) On the rare occasion that needs to change(family event/holiday) I give notice and offer an alternative.

as it stands, your son has the right to see both parents.

[MIBnightmare]

I would advise against an 'informal arrangement' as these can (and often are) not adhered to. Much better to get it formalised through the court and then there is no argument.

You should also be able to get an agreement added whereby Christmas/Birthdays are written into the order along with permission to take on holiday without the other parent's permission. This goes for the both of you.

[Duxburydame]

Granddaughter and father's contact

Our ex s in l is being prevented from seeing his 8 year old daughter as mother is alleging emotional abuse saying his new wife imitated her and they forced her to watch a children's film that frightened her. The child said her stepmum imitated her and her dad and her dad didn't mind but she did - it sounded like gentle teasing. We think he's a good dad and has always been there for his daughter. Mum has also stopped daughter seeing the rest of her family on both sides for no reason she just stopped replying to their calls and messages ( 6m ago) We think it's our daughter that is the problem. Father has written to her but she will not reply to messages. He desperately wants to see his daughter and wants her to have a relationship with her baby sister. The film has been been seen by our two much younger grandchildren who loved it and father had thought his daughter would love it. Any advice on what father can do other than go to court? He's tried mediation when she stopped contact for a year in the past & it didn't work. Do people think this is emotional abuse and father should be denied contact? He's had EOW since his daughter was born in 2016 ( informal agreement)Mother is very controlling & threw husband out once she got pregnant.She accused stepmum of abuse once stepmum got pregnant and we feel she was jealous of new baby. Father had to pause contact because of repeated abuse allegations and it's stress during wife's pregnancy but wanted contact again as soon as baby daughter born. Mother has serious mental health issues. We feel granddaughter will lose out not seeing her dad. Mother has also turned child against father and rest of family.- she regularly says negative things about him & other family members - child repeats these. He's written to the child as well but thinks the mother might have binned his letter. He's sent presents but thinks they might also have been binned. Father met stepmum 4 years after daughter was born so she wasn't the reason for the marriage breakup..Grandchild has said her mum gets annoyed when she says nice things about her dad & stepmum and can't understand why stepmum's presents are broken and binned. Child has been seen by social services in the past because of her sen and had social worker but case now closed. Father has contacted ss but they are not interested. Any advice, thoughts appreciated.