I need a mean solicitor, preferably in the south

[EscapeControllingWife]

Hi all,
First time to post. I am currently going through divorce, I asked for it. I am a dad to two beautiful girls, originally from the middle east and my soon to be ex is from Poland.
The relationship was really one sided, everything was always her way. I was working day and night to provide her everything she wants. I bought a house that I did not like, just to please her. I got her a £10,000 car through loan that only she can drive (I did not hold driving license and she refused to train me). She would travel to her family twice a year to Poland spend around 1 months each time, while I do not go back home for 6 7 years. She did not work, her decision, and when she works she would use all her money to indulge herself. She always asked me for money to help her family and friends. While getting angry if I bought my mom a gift for £40 (two weeks before that she asked me to buy her mom a car for £2000 and I agreed).
All that was some how manageable, main issue was the intimacy. The moment she knew we are pregnant she refused any sort of intimacy I was forced to sleep on Sofas and on floor. I am really not the harsh type, I do use silent treatment a lot when I see that I cannot logic with her (like when she made a problem because of the £40 gift to my mom). I would be lucky if we can get intimate once or twice a year. In the last few years since April 2019 until April 2022 we got intimate once. I tried to persuade her to go to GP, she goes and come back saying that she is right as rain. Then I asked maybe we should seek therapy, she said what do you think I am crazy or something. She says, It is all in my head and I am just a dog because you have Fed up Culture and Fed up religion (I am Muslim). She has used this argument a lot to explain anything that is illogical. eg. I do have Full time job, mostly working from home, also trying to get more work in the evening and weekend (I am a CA). I also baby sit our 2 years old child at least 3 to 4 hours everyday. I also put them to sleep and occasionally shower them. Wife refuses to cook for me so I cook for my self (I eat Halal) and I tidy the living room after kids are asleep. Wife does not work, but she says that she is not my maid and I need to loan and unload the dishes and clean bathrooms and windows as well. This is Europe and you must act European by taking half the chores. Additionally, a lot of her family occasionally joke with me in an unappropriated manner, like telling me "Oh the terrorist came" or "you know all Muslims are GoatF**kers". I always tolerated that because I would always think they are family.
The straw that broke my back that after two years with no intimacy I asked her to dedicate a night for us (she never ask for it, I always need to be the one who initiate it) as the oldest is having a sleepover. She agreed and I had a plan for romantic night, music, candles and everything to get her in the mood.
On the day she woke us up telling us that a stranger is coming for coffee, a stranger that she later identifies as her cousin's ex-husband. 8 O'clock in the morning coming for coffee just for half an hour, and she wears nice revealing clothes for him. Made him breakfast with decoration and everything. She sat and converse with him, while I am carrying the child standing in the middle ignored. I asked her to take the child because I need to work. She said I am busy now, but I insisted so she took her and let her watch TV. 4 hours later the guy still there, ricks with alcohol putting his legs up with the shoes on my sofa drinking beer. While my wife makes him dinner, I asked her it has been 4 hours already she tells me he is staying the night. I got really angry and started shouting, she said why you are angry. He is my family came all the way from main land Europe, and I will not let him sleep in the street. I said but we agreed, she said but he is family and family is always important. I said but I am your family as well, and I should be important as well. Then she said here you are, in my culture family is very important they always come first. In your culture you do not respect family that's why we are arguing. Then I said he is not your family he is your Cousin's ex-husband that your uncle prohibited him from seeing the children for being alcoholic. She said, still he is important. I asked more important that me? She said, yes he is. I got so angry, she left the room. I texted her that I want a divorce.
Later I saw the messages between her and the guy full of red hearts, and in 2020 during the lockdown he sends her a picture of a man's part in a cage joking "Lockdown". Worth to mention that when everyone went against her mom, only me stood beside her mom and helped her financially when was defrauded. Because that how I care about family.
We went to couples therapy and therapist told her she is wrong, she needs to change. She agreed, but then i saw a message to her friends saying, let him come back and forget about divorce and I will put him back in his place.
So I decided not to fix things, and continue with divorce.
Sorry for the long story, I just wanted you to understand why I am asking what I am asking.
Now the financial settlement is really not in my favour, I am happy to give her half of everything. In fact I am happy to give her everything. The house, the car, Child maintenance (The max even if the kids will stay with me). Half of my pension and all the cash. But she does not want that, she wants to stay in the house, I pay her enough spousal maintenance so she can pay the mortgage until kids are 18. Then when the house is sold in 16 years she get 100% of the equity (because technically she was paying the full mortgage). I spoke to couple of lawyers and they said she would win that. Again I am happy to give her EVERYTHING, but I really do not want to be under her thumb from another 16th years, I would kill myself before that would happened. I already seek therapy because that thought came to me during the marriage more than it should with one attempt.
I just need a solicitor that help me to escape a mesher order, then she can take anything else.
If anyone had a good aggressive solicitor that might secure that I will really appreciate it. I just wanted to start a new abuse free life.

I apologise for the long post.

[MintChocCornetto]

Are you a fan of People Just Do Nothing OP?

There's something very familiar about your predicament.

[generalh]

@EscapeControllingWife

Well Parenting is a full time job as you know for sure. You cannot do both of them in the same time. That's why there is solutions like Crèches. Because you cannot parent while working. It is either or. My attention is not on the small one, I am just making sure she is not hurting herself while working. Which is in the sense baby sitting. I offered my STBEX to take the children to nursery and her answer was: They will not change her nappy they will let her suffer, you want your child suffer because you do not want to spend some time with her?

You need to organise childcare regardless of your wife. Or give up work. I don't think the second thing is an option in this economic climate. What will she do if you organise childcare? You need to do what is best for the children.

[EscapeControllingWife]

@generalh

Parenting. It is something many women have to endure too when their partner is absent. I hope you find solutions and your children are looked after whilst you work. A creche maybe.

Well Parenting is a full time job as you know for sure. You cannot do both of them in the same time. That's why there is solutions like Crèches. Because you cannot parent while working. It is either or. My attention is not on the small one, I am just making sure she is not hurting herself while working. Which is in the sense baby sitting. I offered my STBEX to take the children to nursery and her answer was: They will not change her nappy they will let her suffer, you want your child suffer because you do not want to spend some time with her?

[generalh]

@EscapeControllingWife

I am open to learn, what is the appropriate term then?
A term that describe a working parent taking care of children during their working hours, while other parent is outside having a ball?
I am not being ironic, I am serious maybe I do not know the word.

Parenting. It is something many women have to endure too when their partner is absent. I hope you find solutions and your children are looked after whilst you work. A creche maybe.

[User38899953]

So sorry you have to go through this.

Also don't worry about the term babysitting.

I am British and use the term when arranging to go out and DP have the DC.

"Are you alright to babysit the kids this Friday so I can go out"

[EscapeControllingWife]

@BetterFuture1985

The solicitor I spoke to at KJ Smith was very derogatory about people like your STBXW and certainly spoke her mind! Your wife will be expected to maximise her earning capacity and will only get a settlement based on needs not wants.

Unfortunately, KJ Smith they do not serve Brighton area.

[EscapeControllingWife]

@generalh

Again, you do not babysit your own children.

I am open to learn, what is the appropriate term then?
A term that describe a working parent taking care of children during their working hours, while other parent is outside having a ball?
I am not being ironic, I am serious maybe I do not know the word.

[EscapeControllingWife]

@Branster

I can't help with information about solicitors because I have zero knowledge on this.

I'm not quite sure you truly understand how racist your wife's family really are towards you. Culture differences aside, there is the issue that they ultimately do not respect you. Perhaps she and her family are feeding off each other with these types of comments. Hard to tell who is the instigator. But, in the end, they are displaying the same behaviour.

How do your children fit in all this? Are they being treated as being 100% Polish??? Complete disregard and value of the other half of their heritage? Derogatory remarks about you and your culture means insulting 50% of your children, because half of them is what you are. This 50% should be valued and nurtured, not dismissed or laughed at.

I'd concentrate on making sure the children are protected for travel reasons. I can't give specific advice, but consider what nationalities they hold and what types of passports.
In a way, if your wife can afford to remain in the UK, that would allow you access to your children. If she has to move to Poland because of financial and family support reasons, I can imagine it would make it difficult for you to maintain consistent contact with the children.

So I'd start with securing realistic custody of children. That is more important than the money.

I suspect she assumes, that if it comes to divorce, she will get full custody of children and believes she can get all your current and future money, house and other assets included. But I also suspect she doesn't truly believe you'd divorce her and that she can play you how she wants.

A very difficult situation for you OP. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you, I now go back to the messages and thinking why I endured it. I was thinking but laughing it off, I am showing tolerance and acceptance. But the fact is if I made a similar comment about them they will get furious and how dare I mention it. At the time I thought maybe it is me. I added couple of pictures of how her brother was commenting on my posts and complains that facebook removes his comments.
They consider the kids as 100% polish, she would feed them her polish food and they speak polish fluently. As much as my attempt to speak arabic with them it would not work because she would refuse listening to them if they speak anything else than polish.
We went to mediation and she refused to give me custody of course, she refused 50% 50% or even seeing them every week. She said either every other week (so she does not lose any penny from CM).

I am quite scared of her to be honest, she is very vindictive and she does not forget easily. She tried to get back to me many times, but each time I tell her either me or the house or either me or your (cousin's ex husband). However, you guessed it. She would not stop speaking to her cousin's ex husband or sell the house even if it means we will get divorce.

[Idyllicidealist]

@generalh
The OP is from the middle east.
Stop criticising his use of the word babysit unless you can write an equivalent post in a second language with no mistakes.

[generalh]

@EscapeControllingWife

I totally understand what you said, and I already have the screenshots that proves it. I wanted the full custody, but solicitor said because youngest is 2 years old it is very unlikely.
The babysit remark is only when I am at work, if I am working and I have really to babysit while I am trying to file a German VAT return is not that easy.
I do play with them and engage with all activities, mostly indoor after working hours.
But I get what you say, now that I am away from them. I miss all those moments, and although I feel guilty and I feel I did wrong asking for divorce my therapist, neighbours, and mutual friends say that I did the right thing. She is refusing the children to stay at my place, because she knows that will reduce the Child Maintenance. So I will offer her to keep the Child Maintenance to maximum, but she allow more time for me with the kids.

Again, you do not babysit your own children.

[Branster]

I can't help with information about solicitors because I have zero knowledge on this.

I'm not quite sure you truly understand how racist your wife's family really are towards you. Culture differences aside, there is the issue that they ultimately do not respect you. Perhaps she and her family are feeding off each other with these types of comments. Hard to tell who is the instigator. But, in the end, they are displaying the same behaviour.

How do your children fit in all this? Are they being treated as being 100% Polish??? Complete disregard and value of the other half of their heritage? Derogatory remarks about you and your culture means insulting 50% of your children, because half of them is what you are. This 50% should be valued and nurtured, not dismissed or laughed at.

I'd concentrate on making sure the children are protected for travel reasons. I can't give specific advice, but consider what nationalities they hold and what types of passports.
In a way, if your wife can afford to remain in the UK, that would allow you access to your children. If she has to move to Poland because of financial and family support reasons, I can imagine it would make it difficult for you to maintain consistent contact with the children.

So I'd start with securing realistic custody of children. That is more important than the money.

I suspect she assumes, that if it comes to divorce, she will get full custody of children and believes she can get all your current and future money, house and other assets included. But I also suspect she doesn't truly believe you'd divorce her and that she can play you how she wants.

A very difficult situation for you OP. I wish you the best of luck.

[BetterFuture1985]

The solicitor I spoke to at KJ Smith was very derogatory about people like your STBXW and certainly spoke her mind! Your wife will be expected to maximise her earning capacity and will only get a settlement based on needs not wants.

[EscapeControllingWife]

@BetterFuture1985

The idea that a divorce should ever be so one sided is ludicrous. Unless you are earning serious amounts of money or there is very little capital this just would not happen.

Maybe in the short term because there is a 2 year old she won't be expected to work but in five years time she will have to. And it extremely unlikely she would get a Mesher Order for 16 years and if she did she certainly wouldn't get 100% of the equity at the end of it, not a chance. There are all kinds of legal reasons why that would never happen.

I recommend you try KJ Smith. They have a solicitor there with zero tolerance of lazy, sponging, refuse to work wives.

Thank you, I am really scared of her. She is an A class manipulator, she keep lying and saying stuff did not happened and when she is confronted with evidence she says oh maybe I forgot this detail or that detail.

I will try KJ Smith

[BetterFuture1985]

The idea that a divorce should ever be so one sided is ludicrous. Unless you are earning serious amounts of money or there is very little capital this just would not happen.

Maybe in the short term because there is a 2 year old she won't be expected to work but in five years time she will have to. And it extremely unlikely she would get a Mesher Order for 16 years and if she did she certainly wouldn't get 100% of the equity at the end of it, not a chance. There are all kinds of legal reasons why that would never happen.

I recommend you try KJ Smith. They have a solicitor there with zero tolerance of lazy, sponging, refuse to work wives.

[EscapeControllingWife]

@orbitalcrisis

You were looking after them while you were working! That's terrible. It's a shame you moved out, you should have taken them with you, it would be hard to prove you were their primary carer now.

There are lots of rubbish solicitors out there, you could represent yourself, my father did and did very well out of it! He got a 50/50 custody split, didn't have to pay spousal support and got to keep the family home! Both his solicitor (before he fired him) and my mothers told him he would have to give my mum everything and move into a small flat!

Thank you for your kind words. I actually can prove it, neighbours seen me wity children through working hours. Even my co workers I had countless online meeting with my baby daughter on my lap trying to distract her while trying to deliver the meeting.
Also text messages asking her when she will be back because I have meetings and she answering back not yet and why I am texting her because she is my daughter as well.
I am worried representing myself because she really know how to push my buttons especially that I was and still am very worried about the children (due to personal experiance going through parents divorce younger)

[orbitalcrisis]

You were looking after them while you were working! That's terrible. It's a shame you moved out, you should have taken them with you, it would be hard to prove you were their primary carer now.

There are lots of rubbish solicitors out there, you could represent yourself, my father did and did very well out of it! He got a 50/50 custody split, didn't have to pay spousal support and got to keep the family home! Both his solicitor (before he fired him) and my mothers told him he would have to give my mum everything and move into a small flat!

[EscapeControllingWife]

@Harridan1981

I find it very unlikely that she would get everything you say she has asked for.

This is what I thought, but solicitor disagree. They said everything happened in marriage is irrelevant when it comes to finances. They say I have higher earning capacity and I should provide for the kids, and to her as far as she is their caregiver.

[EscapeControllingWife]

I totally understand what you said, and I already have the screenshots that proves it. I wanted the full custody, but solicitor said because youngest is 2 years old it is very unlikely.
The babysit remark is only when I am at work, if I am working and I have really to babysit while I am trying to file a German VAT return is not that easy.
I do play with them and engage with all activities, mostly indoor after working hours.
But I get what you say, now that I am away from them. I miss all those moments, and although I feel guilty and I feel I did wrong asking for divorce my therapist, neighbours, and mutual friends say that I did the right thing. She is refusing the children to stay at my place, because she knows that will reduce the Child Maintenance. So I will offer her to keep the Child Maintenance to maximum, but she allow more time for me with the kids.

[Harridan1981]

I find it very unlikely that she would get everything you say she has asked for.

[orbitalcrisis]

Considering the fact that your children are half Middle Eastern and her family says such racist things, I think you should go for full custody and maintenance from her. It shouldn't be too hard to prove that living with her is not in their best interests. That and the sexting with strange men and drinking when in charge of a toddler...

You will have to change your mindset about them though. You do not 'babysit' your own children and four hours a day is not that long.

[EscapeControllingWife]

Yes, Brighton.

[MolliciousIntent]

Are you in the UK?