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Scared to leave my girlfriend and the impact on our kids

15 replies

LegalDadMark · 28/02/2022 23:33

Hi all

I am really pained in writing this post. I am 35 and have been with my girlfriend ( 37) for 14 years. We have two of the most wonderful children we could ever wish for aged 6 and 18 months .

We have had difficulties for about 9 years. We argue often but have moments of joy. She suffers from quite bad depression and anxiety which has caused difficulties between us. I'm quite a positive guy and often I feel low and down as a result of how she is feeling. For example, I may be dancing around with our girls in the morning before school but when she comes down, she turns music off, shouts and is very on edge which changes the mood of the room completely. It's usually because she's tired which I get but it makes me mirror the mood for the rest of the day.

About 6 months ago we started therapy because we were arguing so much and were both worried about exposure to the children.

At times it helps but I am still left often feeling very depressed which is very out of character for me.

Recently, her mother has started to become quite offensive towards and about me and I've found it really hard. Especially as I don't think it's fair for my gf to split herself in two like that.

I am writing this because tonight, I have cried, drank and felt very low like I should run away.

I'm a very hands on dad. My girls are total daddy girls and I couldn't imagine seeing them everyday. Even the thought of just running makes me upset but I don't know what to do.

I'm really scared that about how I leave the relationship, whether it's right for the kids , how it will impact the kids.

I'm actually a Family Lawyer so I know the research talks about the impact of children in an unhappy relationship but we also know that separation/ divorce can be really damaging.

I just don't know why to do , I really want my daugthers to be happy and feel loved.

OP posts:

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Crumbs22 · 08/03/2022 09:57

I think in your situation, you need to weigh up which is the more damaging to your children. Personally I always believe children deserve 2 happy parents. As it is they will come to believe that the strained and unhappy relationship their parents have is normal. If you feel your marriage is over then the best thing is to focus your efforts on being the best co parents you can both be. Your children are thankfully young enough to adapt best so it would only make it more challenging the older they get.

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DadAndLovingIt · 21/04/2022 11:42

S**t man, that sucks!

You sound like a really great, caring dad so if you're thinking about running away it must be pretty bad.

Do you really want to be out of your relationship? Or do you think it's fixable?

Either way, it sounds like your girlfriend needs to get help. Depression is going to make any sort of relationship difficult and as she's going to be involved in your daughters' lives even if you do split up she needs to be right.

From my experience of relationship counselling, if you've been going for six months and not seen an improvement, you're going to the wrong person, and they should have flagged up getting your girlfriend's mental health under control as one of the first steps.

I agree with Crumbs - you need to be showing your girls a happy, healthy relationship as that's where they're going to learn how to be in a relationship and what they see from the two of you they'll assume is normal. It obviously wouldn't be ideal, but if you could show them that with someone else then that might be better in the long run.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision

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WeirdManFromRummikub · 21/04/2022 12:28

Does your gf work on her depression and anxiety? If she engages with therapy, takes prescribed meds, works at her sleeping/ eating/ coping strategies, then I would think about trying to ride it out a bit longer to see if she, and your relationship, improve.
It sounds (and admittedly we've only heard your side) that her poor mental health is the root cause of the unhappy relationship. If she engages as best she can, and you give all the support you can, and it doesn't work out, then it's hardly "running away".
Dont stay for the 'sake of the children'. No one should sacrifice their life in that way, even for their children- and it often just puts a dysfunctional dynamic into their lives.
If you do decide to split up, think about how you can best support your children in a way that is fair for you and your gf.
PS her mum sounds like an arsehole. Disengage immediately.

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emmakenny · 21/04/2022 12:39

Disengage with her horrible mother immediately. You don't have to put up with that. Women are always told to beware of MILs.

Leave if you aren't happy and ask for 50/50.

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TweetTweetMF · 21/04/2022 14:03

Leave go for 50/50 custody.

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Wagsandclaws · 21/04/2022 14:07

@LegalDadMark I've pm'ed you.

I'm sorry it took 3 bloody goes as I've never private messaged anyone on here before but the first two kind of say what the last one is meant to.

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Aimee1987 · 21/04/2022 14:08

I grew up in a home where my parents hated each other. It's not something o would wish on anyone else.
Split up and go for 50 50.

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DonnyBurrito · 21/04/2022 15:16

I agree that if she is engaging with everything she should be doing to get better, then I would try and persist for a while longer. If she's not even trying, I'm not sure I could hack it much longer either...

However, having loud music on first thing in the morning is also my idea of hell. Kids don't NEED that, it's just nice for you and them but I never once had tunes blasting and a dance party in the morning as I was growing up and I enjoyed my childhood all the same. Your partner will likely need some time in the morning to pull herself together and set herself up mentally for the day. If she can barely think because you're having a rave with the kids, you'll end up making her feel even worse by making her the bad guy for shutting it down. I'm not saying tiptoe around her, but compromise... She can't expect a quiet peaceful house all day every day, and you and the kids can't have it full on from the break of dawn, either. She is, I assume, trying to recover... So she needs her home to feel as peaceful and restorative as possible (with two young children).

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PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 02/05/2022 20:45

You have been together for 14 years. The first five were good. Then for three years she was depressed, then you had a baby together, four more years of depression and then another baby. And 18 m on she is still depressed.

Have you any idea what prompted her depression in the first place? Does she have things in her life to take her out of herself? Is she looking after herself physically? Does she feel loved, or has she sort of made herself unlovable so it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy?

My mum was depressed for much of my childhood. Some of it I think my dad could have handled better, but a lot of it I wish she'd made better decisions.

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HollyOfTheBongs · 02/05/2022 20:52

OP, in my experience, you will know when the point comes at which staying is worse than leaving. It can be on a knife edge for a while, but when the moment comes, you will know it.

The problem is that once a relationship has gone badly wrong (for whatever reason) and children are involved, there is no entirely happy outcome. It's more a question of working out what's the least bad outcome for your children.

Divorce is hideous, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't pretty desperate - because the only way to be certain that you will see your children every day is to remain in an unhappy relationship. But it's also awful for your girls to be living without any joy and fun and silliness.

Your girlfriend's mother should butt out.

So no solutions, but I hope you can find a way through this.

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Olsi109 · 02/05/2022 21:17

This is a crap situation.

Me and my DH differ, he's very bubbly in a morning as soon as he wakes - I'm a "don't talk to me until I've had 2 coffees" kind of person. I wouldn't however get in the way of his fun with the kids I may just say look I've just woke up can we chat about this in 15 as I know it's important for me to respect he likes to chat but it's important for him to respect I need time to come round.

If therapy isn't working in your opinion then as a mother and wife I would want you to be honest and leave. The children are young (especially the baby), and will handle it a lot better than if you drag this out, having unhappy parents for them to grow up with and waste each other's lives.

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teacherorpreacher · 02/05/2022 21:25

Errm just asking why are you leaving your children you are a bloody parent fgs take them with you or do you think it is the mothers job even if she is ill. You are a shit parent step up and look after them

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DadAndLovingIt · 02/05/2022 21:37

teacherorpreacher · 02/05/2022 21:25

This says a lot more about you than it does about the OP

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Olsi109 · 02/05/2022 21:40

teacherorpreacher · 02/05/2022 21:25

Ignore this!

You are not a shit parent - any decent parent would leave young children in a home they are used to with their mother until things are put in place rather than dragging them out to god knows where.