Stepchildren and coronavirus support thread

[HairsprayBabe]

Thought this might be useful as stepchildren add in another layer of complexity to any situation. As in a non-blended family you can hunker down and make your own choices but it gets trickier the more people are involved!

I love my DSD to bits, but I am uncertain as to how lockdown would effect how we have her. We are EOW at the moment DSD 8 is asthmatic, as is DH and I am 22wks pregnant.

We are currently planning on keeping contact the same, I don't know how her mum feels though, or what will change if the schools close or go into lockdown. I WFH with a really understanding and flexible employer so could be asked to do more childcare, and I am more than happy to.

If DHs work goes into shut down we will struggle with all our bills including CSA so that is another discussion we could have to have.

Anyone other people from blended families have thoughts/support?

n.b - please don't turn this into a step-parent bashing thread it is purely for supporting each other!!

[fuzzledface]

Not sure what the plan is here yet. DSC live here except for every other weekend. Their Mum is pregnant but still working so not sure what she wants to do really. I guess we’ll leave it down to her to decide 🤷🏻‍♀️

[HairsprayBabe]

Yes DSDs mum works for NHS in an admin capacity so won't want to be off with childcare, waiting to hear what she wants to do with her if school closes, it makes more sense for her to be with us rather than her nan but it won't really be our choice at the end of the day.

[delilahbucket]

Ds's dad has cancelled this weekends visit and to be honest, if he hadn't, I would have done. His house is disgusting at the best of times with no regard for personal hygiene, so I don't expect any change in the current climate. I don't think mixing households is a good idea at the moment.

[HairsprayBabe]

@delilahbucket do you mean in general or just in your case?

We just had DSD this weekend so aren't due to have her again till the 27th. I think we will still have her, just directly pickup from school (if it's still open) on Fri. and drop her Sunday evening. We have been doing bath and clean PJ's straight from school for the past months worth of weekends.

[delilahbucket]

In general. She's high risk, you're high risk, your dh is high risk. I would be cancelling and face timing her.

[HairsprayBabe]

I don't think the risk of infection should stop people seeing their children and children seeing their parents. If she lived with us full time that wouldn't be an option.

I don't feel comfortable turning her away if her mother is happy with it. I don't want her to feel rejected by us or pushed out especially with the baby on the way.

[delilahbucket]

Then as you were. You obviously don't understand the whole idea of social distancing to prevent infection. Hopefully enough of the country will take the right precautions to protect those who think they can continue as normal.

[Bibidy]

I don't think the risk of infection should stop people seeing their children and children seeing their parents. If she lived with us full time that wouldn't be an option.

I do understand the sentiment but the whole issue is with the fact that she doesn't live with you and therefore by going back and forth she's doubling the amount of people who could be exposed to the virus. Both through herself and through any of you who may pick it up and then pass it to her for her to take to her other house.

I understand the difficultly though, my OH has 2 kids that he has EOW and there's no way he will not be getting them as usual unless there is an actual hardcore lockdown here. He is being careful what he does with them, not taking them to softplay etc, but he obviously still want to have them on his weekends.

But realistically it's not advisable, especially as they are still at school.

[HairsprayBabe]

If we said "Ooh just keep her at home" I can guarantee DH would be accused by some of not stepping up and being a parent.

If we go into full lockdown there is no way we won't want to see her for three months. Keeping father's from their children is wrong.

And don't tell me to just facetime it is in no way the same thing.

I WFH and haven't been out in over a week she is more likely to catch it from her mother who works in hospital than us so we should be pushing to keep her here but we won't because we aren't trying to make things difficult. We want to be as safe as possible whilst still keeping a proper relationship between DH and DSD we are a family.

[Cdm2020]

It’s a really tricky situation if you are not in agreement with your SO. We take my Partner’s DD every weekend; however I now think we should stop “mixing households” under new guidance.

We are not considered high risk, but her Grandad (who lives with her) is. So not seeing her would be to protect both families/stop germs going back and forth.

Additionally we have a 4 month old baby. I know she will likely be ok with Coronavirus, but I want to avoid her catching anything whatsoever from DSD whilst nhs is under so much strain. My GP is closed to appointments so even getting a simple prescription would be a struggle. DSD seems to get everything going (just her age/at nursery) and basically I don’t want my baby at more risk of catching anything right now. Also theres the risk that if I get coronavirus I might be unable to look after her.

My SO doesn’t agree though, he thinks we should only change plans if someone somewhere develops symptoms. AIBU? How have/would others approached this? We are at risk of a serious falling out..

[Lllot5]

Let her parents sort it.

[HairsprayBabe]

We all parent together, me DH, her mum and her stepdad. I have been in her life since she was 1and I love her like my own I am hardly going to just wash my hands of the situation now.

We all get along well.

Her mum is happy for us to continue with normal contact as are we. I was only wondering what others in similar situations are doing as there has been no guidance.

[LizzyBennett]

I've had a conversation with XH - he lives a 3hr train journey away and is in a high risk group.

I'd prefer to keep the DC here instead of a long train journey and then potentially putting their dad at risk, EOW. He understandably wants to see them but I'm also worried about the potential of a sudden lockdown and then not being able to get home.

Both DC have ASD and won't cope for long outside of their own surroundings/routines. DS can't even manage a holiday.

We both agreed that we'll have another chat next week (when contact is due) & see what official advice is. And then potentially every time while this is ongoing.

[HairsprayBabe]

Yeah travel distance makes things much much harder - we are only 15 mins down the road, it's nearer than some of the supermarkets!

If we were at that distance I would be inclined to agree with you @lizzybennett

[LizzyBennett]

Well, my problem is solved. XH had phoned to say he has a fever and a dry tickly cough since I spoke to him yesterday so he'll be self isolating until he's clear.

@HairsprayBabe - in your shoes I would play it by ear for now. Things will be clearer by the 27th one way or another

[HairsprayBabe]

Things might be changing here anyway as I have the most flexible working and DSD won't be in school come Monday, so I am doing childcare next week now.

Things will change if symptoms arrise in any of us but at the moment we are isolating between the two houses.

[HairsprayBabe]

Anyone had any more thoughts on this? I have heard there will be more advice coming out for co-parenting but I haven't seen it anywhere

[delilahbucket]

I don't think the government knows. On official papers it says children can still travel between houses of parents who don't live together, but Michael Gove said this morning not to.

[flissity]

Michael Gove then came back on This Morning to say he was wrong!

It states on gov.co.uk that this is ok. Read bottom of section 1 :

www.gov.uk/government/publications/full-guidance-on-staying-at-home-and-away-from-others/full-guidance-on-staying-at-home-and-away-from-others

[Bibidy]

Hey @HairsprayBabe

Government have confirmed that children under 18 can continue to move between their parents' houses.

However, my OH has taken the decision not to collect his kids as planned this weekend. As much as he desperately wants to see them, under the current advice he just doesn't think it's the right thing to do to expose both of our households unnecessarily (plus others due to extra shopping, stopping for petrol etc) for the sake of putting up with it for a few weeks.

Their maternal grandmother is firmly in the vulnerable group and if she gets the virus it will kill her. It would only take the kids to pick it up from me/OH, take it back to their mum who then leaves it on the surface of some shopping she drops on her parents' doorstep. It's just not worth the risk.

I think everyone just really seriously needs to weigh up the risk. In a few weeks, if someone in either household ends up on a ventilator (or worse) because a child has ferried the virus back and forward, will it have been worth it? I just don't think it would.

As the kids aren't at school, as soon as restrictions are lifted my OH can pick them up straight away and see them. But for the sake of keeping the vulnerable safe he's going to let them stay home for now.

[HairsprayBabe]

Yes it has been confusing - we are due to have her this weekend and none of us are sure what the best course of action is. We don't live far so we would be going no further than the supermarket...

DSD is at home all the time now, so is her step dad, her mum is NHS admin so is still going to work, I am at home all the time DH works for a utility company and is still working...

Eurghh in some ways I think it would be easier if she was younger and had less of a concept of missing us. She isn't good on the phone and won't interact on video chat, we had a really tough few years when she was little sorting contact and DH is worried about taking a step backwards

[Bibidy]

I think in your situation I would give it a miss for a little while.

With one person in both households still at work and in contact with several people daily, there is a big risk that your SD could carry the virus between households and then her mum and your DH could infect multiple people at work. She's just that extra little link that could make all the difference.

It's a shame she's not great on the phone/video chat. Perhaps with some encouragement from her mum she'd be more up for the video chat? Or she could just be playing or reading or whatever and her dad could be on video chat to her so it's not such a big thing?

I honestly feel your pain though, my OH's younger child often refuses to speak on the phone but luckily she doesn't mind video chats too much.

[Tedster08]

My stepson's mother has been really odd about the whole thing. She won't let him visit us here even though neither LO or I have been around anyone and he usually comes to stay every other weekend. Instead, she suggested OH see his son at his mother's house, even though she isn't seeing us and is a key worker so goes out to work every day so surely the risks are greater. My stepson's nan on his mother's side is also high risk. Can't understand her mindset at all...

[Tigger1957]

Hi I'm a childless stepmum to a 31yo Down Syndrome man. He stays with us every second weekend but at the moment with the CV19 I'm frightened he'll bring it to our home. As we live remotely we do not see many people but he lives with his mum and has carers coming into the home to care for him. His mental ability is only childlike so it is hard getting him to wash his hands and the like. I have to continually wipe things down and it is wearing me out. I have had some major medical issues the last 12 months and don't want to be comprimised by him traveling from an area that already has CV19 in the community. Should we still allow him to come to our home?

[HairsprayBabe]

@Tigger1957 so sorry I have no idea what to advise, didn't want to leave you hanging.

We have moved to video chat for our contact at the moment. We are speaking once every three days at the moment. It isn't the same but with DSD mother in an NHS role it is just another layer of risk.