Should I be ttc?

[marypoppins]

I've been married (mainly happily) for a number of years. Last year I suggested we ttc and dh said yes, in a year's time. I waited broodily. Now we've tried for two months and he wants to wait another six (star signs - he's fussy!)

Recently we've been rowing. Could it be the pressure of ttc? I don't know whether to be broody or forget the whole idea. What do you think?

[lucy123]

Starsigns? that is silly. What if he / she is born at the wrong time of day and gets a non-sympathetic rising / moon sign. Just nonsense (even if I did believe in it). To be quite honest I would say he's getting cold feet. Is he starting the arguments by any chance?

On the positive side I wouldn't say that having rows per se is a reason to stop ttc. All couples go through phases of it - well, most do - especially at stressful times like this. So don't worry about that.

But, well. Sounds like you have some talking and explaining "ishoos" to do. Or perhaps you should continue ttc, but not try very hard (IYSWIM) ? Just use the rhthm method of contraception or something (I think that's what I'd do. So you're waiting but you never know. Takes the pressure off.)

Good luck though.

[wickedstepmother]

TTC is an enormous pressure and it can get to those with the best intentions. It must be hard for you to have been given the 'green light' to conceive 2 months ago and now DH wishes to delay it further. Obviously I don't know you or your DH but is it definitely a star signs thing or could it be that when he agreed last year it was really just to placate you, and now that the time is here again he is still feeling unsure?

I would honestly sit down with him and explain that it is very hard for you to just switch off your maternal instincts/desire for a child and perhaps try and tease more info (the real reason?) from your DH. Please don't give up altogether before you have a full and honest discussion with your husband.

[marypoppins]

Thankyou for the advice.

Planning a first baby has become such a major part of my life that hearing the news we are not ttc AGAIN changes the picture I had created of becoming a mother soon and consequently how I view our marriage. His delaying tactics make it seem that he's no longer sure about the idea. It's amazing what an impact it has made on me, an identity crisis of sorts. Should I start drinking alcohol again and stop taking folic acid? It feels like a step backwards. All my life choices have been part of the 'great plan'.

On the other hand perhaps I should chill out a bit and let life take it's course?

I also think the 'failure' as dh describes it to conceive the last two months may be a factor. Perhaps he fears finding out he can't have children which must be crushing for a man.

On the subject of star signs I am trying to avoid a couple of signs. I've noticed a pattern, accurate or not, of the signs of people who are cruel. Because it would be my first child I am concerned about possible negative consequences! DH has definately become a lot more fussy though. There are now only a few moths of the year he wants to ttc!

Thanks again for the support.

[wickedstepmother]

I hope that DH knows that it is perfectly normal to fail to conceive in 2 months of trying, it took DP and I 6 months. Personally I wouldn't stop taking the folic acid etc as it could happen to you 'by accident' and it really is important to the folic acid in your system. I don't think that there is any harm in a few glasses of wine, or whatever you fancy, a week though.

It's easy to say 'just chill out' but quite another thing to actually do it ! It's very hard to 'relax' when ttc, there is always that 'am I / aren't I' feeling every month. I have no idea whether this helps but I hope you are able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your DH.

[marypoppins]

It helps a lot wickedstepmother. We've kept it secret that we're ttc so until now we could only speak to each other! It has been helpful to discover Mumsnet and to learn that other women experience similar things.

As soon as I find a good moment I'll discuss it with dh again, sensitive though it is. I just don't want to press it too much or he might feel he's not enough for me or go off the idea even more!

[October]

Message withdrawn

[marypoppins]

Spoke to dh about it. He says he's worried about paying off debts before we start. He has reassured me it's not our relationship that's putting him off and he still wants to start a family together. I've agreed to help pay off debts for a few months before we start.

I've listened to him, he's listened to me and we're back to wedded bliss. Aaaaaah!

Thanks for the advice October, it seems like an unknown an mysterious future we're planning. After taking the plunge, losing my salary for a while etc. is it all worth it? Any thoughts?

[lucy123]

Marypoppins

Glad you had a chat with him and that its nothing more serious than ordinary cold feet.

Just wanted to add a few things really. First and most importantly, it quite definately is worth it!

But the other thing was that there will always be something to delay having a child. Whether that's paying off debts or saving up, or having a last bit of travelling or whatever - there really is always something.

Remember also that having a child doesn't have to cost very much. There is no need for half the gubbins that Babies'R'Us will try to sell you and a combination of breastfeeding for 6 months+ and making your own baby food can mean a new baby costs about the same as a new dog (plus it's healthier)

I'm not advising you go back on your agreement here, I'm just pointing these things out for when (or if, but I think when) he comes up with a similar reason to delay in 2 months time.

In the meantime - enjoy your two months of drinking and going out and try to relax. It does sound as if this ttc business is taking over your life and it definately shouldn't do that - maybe take up a money saving hobby like dressmaking to help with your long term finances?

Best of luck

[lucy123]

PS do you know the dates of birth of all the people you admire? You might be surprised. Even if your star sign can provide a basis for your personality, good parenting can always over-ride it. It's just another thing for you to worry about...

[aloha]

Don't stop taking folic acid - you can get pg by accident and it is extremely good for you anyway, ttc or not. I really think the starsigns thing is stupid (sorry if that's not very tactful) - I just think it's utter rubbish and nothing to do with personality. It is very much not unusual to not conceive within two months - it is considered normal to take a year (you don't say how old you are - age is a factor). I think you are both a little nervous about having a baby at all (hence the star sign stuff). When you really, really want a baby you don't give a stuff about ephemera like that. I do think you should talk to your dh about what you think having a baby would do to your lives - including sex, finances, who will do most childcare, will you give up work etc etc. I found that really being committed to having a child together and disussing everything beforehand, including who would get up in the night and how we'd manage sleeplessness really helped us afterwards. It's still a horrific shock in many ways (lack of freedom, sheer physical exhaustion etc) but good, honest communication really does cushion that aspect. Is it worth it? In our case, a million times yes. It has, as I have seen said before, opened parts of my heart I never knew existed.

[hewlettsdaughter]

Hi marypoppins, I agree with lucy 123 - there will always be something to delay having a child. If you are both happy to wait the few months - fine, but while you're waiting why not have a good chat about your expectations etc, so you know where you stand (as aloha has suggested).

And yes - it is worth it. It's hard, your world may well be turned upside down for a while - but it's worth it!

[hewlettsdaughter]

PS. Aloha - I like what you said about it opening up parts of your heart you never knew existed

[marypoppins]

Thanks everyone. I agree we should think everything through in advance. We've decided that I would give up work for a while to be a full time mum. Any thoughts on this? In practice have you found its better to work or not? It would mean our income would drop by half, meaning we could pay the bills but would have less disposable income to play with. Has anyone experienced this or found a different solution? All thoughts appreciated.

[crazynow]

Hi Marypoppins, keep taking the folic acid even if you are resting (so to speak) for a couple of months. Don't worry too much about the cost of baby things as I found that quite a few people gave me their baths, moses baskets, clothes, blankets etc and then there's NCT sales which are very good.

I become a full time mum when we had ds (he's 3 now) and have enjoyed it so much.

We had to be a little more careful with money, but it's worth it.

[quackers]

I've tried all three. Full time mum, work full time and work part time. I really loved the first few months at home but I was ready for some part time work then. When we moved house I had to work full time for 8 months and hated it. My DD was a different child. Nursery every day was too much for her. I now have managed to negotiate part time and it works beautifully for us. But everyone is different and you will probably not know what you want until you have the baby. You are lucky to have the choice to do what you feel is right at the time!! Some mums have no choice unfortunately. Good luck chuck!

[caz61]

On the finances front, when my sister and her DH were ttc, they decided to try and save one salary as they would be surviving on only one anyway when the baby was born. She took full maternity leave and found this cushion really helpful - especially with the new baby expenditure. Also it didn't make them feel really under pressure financially and they could have some treats for themselves. I thought it was a brilliant idea - althought I have not yet had the opportunity to try it myself!

[caz61]

Sorry - meant to add "best of luck"

[Teletubby]

Marypoppins - you poor thing, you don't know whether you're coming or going. I can only begin to imagine your disappointment with having to wait AGAIN, i think had my husband done the same then i would have gone completely potty - i'm not surprised you're arguing. All i would say is that it has got to be a decision made together, you don't want things thrown back at you in arguments in the future or for either of you to regret the decision later on. I think once you have focused so much of your time and energy on really wanting one thing it is even harder to be told you can't have it yet after so much anticipation. I expect you have explained to him how much it all means to you, try telling him that if everyone waited for a right time financially etc etc then no-one would ever have kids.....i don't think there is ever a right time but when it does happen it is a true miracle. My friend has just conceived after a year of trying to don't worry that you didn't fall in 2 months.

[aloha]

Marypoppins, wait until you have the baby before you make a decision like that. I've known women be desperate never to leave their child, and women who couldn't wait to go back to work (they all love their children BTW). I love working part time and feel I have the best of all possible worlds, especially with only one child. I'd advise you to take your maternity leave and only make up your mind after a few months - there were moments early on when I was desperate to get back to the office, where I knew what I was doing, my colleagues seemed incredibly reasonable and entertaining compared to my ds and I needed a rest! As I got better at mothering, I felt less pull to go back to work. You can't possibly know how you'll feel until you actually have your child IMO.

[marypoppins]

Thanks for all your comments. I like the idea of saving one salary Caz61. We're planning to ttc in September, so not long now! I've found that going out more often and enjoying the positive aspects of not having children has helped in the meantime. I'm starting to view waiting as a magical thing, like a child waiting for Father Christmas to bestow gifts! I'll keep you posted...

[princesspeahead]

mary, you don't know if it will take you 2 months or 10 months to concieve (both are perfectly possible). Once you do conceive you still have a whole 9 months before a baby appears - plenty of time for you to sort out finances and save some money (assuming you don't have horrendous problems which it doesn't sound like you do). If you have decided you want a child together, I'd start trying now, and not putting it off for a month or two - just doesn't make sense. And by starting off gently now and not fretting too much about what particular month etc you are likely to conceive in, your chances of conception are much higher. Just go with the flow, I'd say

[bluecow]

Princesspeahead's right on all counts. You can't choose which particular month you want to conceive it - it doesn't happen like that unless you're very lucky. Trying in a particular month also means you may be tense thinking 'this is the month' and that stress may stop you conceiving. We all know how often we are told to chill out to help our chances of getting pregnant. As for star signs, don't want to knock your beliefs but there are good and bad folks under every sign.
Neither of you is a failure for not conceiving when you want to, but planning to get preggars in any given month might just set you up for a fall. You're right though - see the whole thing as magical because it is (remember this when you're vomiting all day...)

[bluecow]

Oops, that should be 'You can't choose which particular month you want to conceive IN'...

[marypoppins]

I don't see the point in waiting either, but at the end of the day I have to respect dh's wishes. There are pros and cons to both getting pregnant and not, so I'm enjoying sitting in bars in summer dresses for the meantime and viewing the waiting time as a blessing.

[bluecow]

Yeah sounds cool!