How to stop feeling like it’s just never going to happen

[mnie]

Hello ladies, I’m looking for some words of wisdom/advice. Me (32F) and my husband (44M) have been TTC with no success for 9 months. I have regular periods and no known issues, because of my husband’s age he recently had a semen analysis which was normal apart from low
morphology (3%). Urologist was not concerned about this and I’ve read in isolation it’s not particularly important. Other results were: concentration 52mil/ml, total motility 52%, total count 172 million - so essentially normal otherwise.
I know that I’m not alone is saying these things but I just can’t stop feeling so negative (and that’s not really like me normally). I just feel like it’s never going to happen for us and that we’ve left it too late. I worry a lot about my husband’s age and how that might affect things (although he’s very healthy and fit) but the more months that go by and we fail, the more I feel like that belief grows stronger. I’m aware it can take a while to conceive and to seek help after 12 months but I suppose I’m just looking for any guidance on how to get through this and deal with the uncertainty of it all. It’s not so much about how long it takes, just if we’ll ever get there. Thank you xx

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but wanted to say you're definitely not alone in how you feel! I'm about to head into month 9 after my most recent loss last July and I'm utterly exhausted emotionally.

All test results for us are totally normal, my cycles are and have always been regular. I'm sat watching people get pregnant and have babies constantly wondering when it will be our turn. We've decided to see out a full year post loss of trying again, then we're going to therapy together to see what the future options could be. I can't keep trying forever. The uncertainty sucks for sure. Sending hugs your way x

@mnie hi op, I don’t have any advice being I’m in similar situation but just wanted to let you know your not alone and how you feel is valid.
I wrote a post yesterday after another negative cycle this month as I felt so beat down with it all.

You could maybe speak to your dr now or get an appointment booked in for a month or two (since it’s so hard now to get an appointment) and speak to them see about getting the ball rolling for possible referrals, I would always encourage not to wait too long but hopefully you won’t need any help.

I have everything crossed and sending positive vibes for your next 3 cycles that one of them will be your turn and you’ll get your positive test 🤞🏼🤍

@moosey89 sorry to hear of your loss❤️ I had a mc at 6 weeks in September last year (was our second round of fertility medication)
It is so hard and upsetting,
Sending you all the luck and baby dust that you also get that positive really soon. Xx

@moosey89 Thank you so much for your reply, it really means so much to know we’re not alone in the process. I’m so sorry for your loss and for what you’re going through. What you’ve said about everyone else getting pregnant really resonates with me, it’s so difficult to feel happy for people but so sad for us at the same time. Wishing you all the best and hoping 2024 is our year 💕.

@LittleLemonPie thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I’m sorry to hear your having a difficult time and to hear about your loss last year. I think I’ll make an appointment with my GP this week, so much of this process is waiting and it feels helpless so actively doing something does make me feel slightly better. Wishing you all the best xx

Hi op I’m afraid I’m the same but didn’t want to just read and run. I’m at the very start of cycle 14 of ttc number 1 and haven’t had a whiff of a positive at all in that time. My tests are all fine as our my husband’s. I’m 37 and he is 33 so not spring chickens but hopefully not over the hill! I do have adenomyosis so I think that is what is getting in the way but unfortunately there is nothing to be done there so I’m almost trying not to think about it too much. My next step is to get a HyCoSy to see if that helps, if not we’ll be starting to look into ivf over the summer as it it will have been 18 months. That’s something I’d never thought I’d say especially with such good results but there we are. Things that have helped me are below though I realise they won’t be for everyone:

• posting on MN and seeing what other people are going through.
• talking to close friends and family. I want them to understand how hard it is and why I might not always bd up for a party etc. they have all been so supportive and it feels good to talk to people who love me.
• yoga has helped me so much. Not just the physical side but the meditation too. I go three times a week.
• I’ve booked things to look forward to. Gigs, retreats, holidays. If I’m pregnant, I’ll figure it out and if I’m not it will take my mind of it. I don’t see any need to put my life on hold especially if it isn’t happening right now.
• buying myself a little treat when I can feel my period coming or when I’m stuck at home because of my period. Again, if I’m not spending money on a baby I may as well spend it on myself!
• I’ve just started acupuncture. If it gets me pregnant great! If not, it’s relaxing and helps me de stress.
• Therapy! I think if you can’t do many of the other things on this list because of money seriously think about therapy. I do believe ttc is the hardest thing I have gone through and I need to talk to someone other than my husband. You can ask to have a particular focus on ttc, there are plenty of people with experience.

sorry that’s a lot. As you can see I’m trying my best to look after my mental health whilst I go through this but my heart breaks every time I get my period. I think what I’m doing does make the time in between a little easier. I’m sending you love, light and baby dust for the future ✨

@MrsBP15 thanks so much for your reply. I love your suggestions, especially the “period present” and definitely agree with you about not putting life on hold.
I feel the same, TTC is the most stressful thing I’ve ever done and I think I underestimated the toll it would take on me mentally so it’s really helpful to know I’m not alone there. People do not talk about it enough!
Wishing you all the best of luck xxx

Hi!
My partner also had low morphology (2%) and it took us 19months.
19 long months but it did happen! So my advice would be:

• reduce alcohol intake (but don't stop as you need to live also)
• I restricted my partner's baths (who knows whether it made a difference)
• vitamins for both of us
• to make plans, holidays, days out, house renovations - have something else going on not just TTC!
• excercise for both of us

Good luck!

Have you downloaded any fertility/period apps?

@mnie youre very welcome. Got my period yesterday so I bought myself a candle. My husband also bought me a Lindt Easter egg on his way home today so I think that may have helped too 🤣 I should have said that was all just stuff I’m doing to help myself mentally. I’m doing all the usual tracking, testing etc but I’m assuming you’ve got all that covered x

I highly recommend
Hertility health

Hormone and fertility tests

150 gbp
Very well spent

Very thoroughly.

Additionally - some ppl dont conceive til good feretin.
Ask NHS to test your vit d - b12 & feretin
&^^
They should all be good 4 conception

I was low in feretin - b12 and vit d

Corrected all the 3 above
Concieved 2nd cycle trying..

Was unfortunately an early miscarriage

But yeah

Those 3 matter

The it starts with an egg book is good

@FinallyPregnant2022 thanks so much and so happy to hear you had success - this does give me hope because I’ve fixated on the morphology number a little although the importance does seem to vary depending on who you speak to.
@whatajoke26 @MrsBP15 thanks - yes I’ve got Natural Cycles and use ovulation sticks, feel like I’m constantly peeing on stuff tbh 😂
@worldwidetravel2017 thanks - I’ll look into this!

Food choices - watch movies snacking on carrot with your significant other

Carrot = fertility food

Also - last year b4 our early miscarriage we discovered caffeine free coke

Dya have a bbt thermometer ?

Good 4 keeping an eye on ovulation

Tommys baby charity ovulation character is good..

Do a month of no ovulation sticks - relax - baby dande when you feel like it - relax - see what happens

After our early miscarriage - gynae told me to go on hols and relax

Given colonoscopies and various other health issuss - the sunny hol is months later but the hol = in ovulation window / in baby dancing window - lets see

Have any of you tried a Ferti-Lily?
https://www.ferti-lily.co.uk/

Hi @mnie
I wish I had some positive advice but I do sympathise with your feelings
We've been trying to conceive for over 2 years, never had a BFP and every day have a feeling of, will this ever work.

We started ivf this year hoping that this was the answer but it was not successful round, currently going for a second round of egg retrieval. Can't help but feel constantly deflated with set back after set back!

I know it is only 9 months for you but I would see if you can get any testing done, as this can take some time particularly on the nhs. Don't loose the faith though, you definitely haven't left it too late and I know 9 months is a long time but it can all change for you! 🤞

@Natty2 thanks for your reply, so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It is so difficult, feel like no one really prepares us for this whole process. Thanks for your advice, I’m going to make an appointment with my GP this week to get a few things rolling. Really wishing you all the best and hoping this time is your time 💕
@TheShellBeach thanks I’ll have a look at this
@worldwidetravel2017 thanks, yeh I’ve got a thermometer with the natural cycles app!

It took me a year first time (then a miscarriage) and only 2 cycles the second. Are you tracking everything? I used Ava (bbt watch) and OPKs religiously from before I was actively ttc. I had all the usual tests and no issues, but I did take lots of vitamins and coQ10.

I also had fertility acupuncture, im sure it works!

to keep my spirits up I focussed on all the things I could do without a baby (hard during Covid, but got easier!) spontaneous weekends away etc. I also kept in mind that lots and lots of friends had told me it took them a year or so. It’s awful when you’re in the thick of it, but picture yourself telling someone else how hard it was but eventually worked!

I'm afraid I have no good advice but am in the same boat and feel completely the same so am grateful to read other people's advice on here for distraction and self care etc because the monthly disappointment and despondent feeling absolutely sucks arse. ❤️

I saw this and thought it could have been me - I feel the same way.

I’m 33, DH is 40 and we’re considering that it might not happen. We tried for a lot of 2022 with no luck, stopped when he developed some health issues.
Now he’s stable and on medication etc. but unfortunately will have this illness for life and he finds sex a struggle. We DTD once in 2023!

Now we’re trying again we’ve built up to once per month, but even if the timing lined up perfectly that’s still such a small chance. I’m not sure it will happen, but in the mean time I’ll take my once per month and keep hoping. A chance is a chance! 🤞

I also have no advice, but like PP it’s nice to read others’ experiences and feel less alone in it - we’re all going through it for whatever reason.

@WhiteDigestives not sure if it helps but we have to do home artificial insemination, check out TwoPlus - not sure if it'll be an option for you and your partner as it depends on why he finds sex difficult but thought I'd share just in case it helps x

@AnnaCBi thanks so much for your reply, it’s nice to hear some success stories although am sorry to hear about your MC. I think my expectation is skewed because it seems to have happened very quickly for all of my friends, a lot of “we weren’t even trying” or “we just throw caution to the wind” stories so I don’t really know anyone who has tried for a number of months first. I’ll look into acupuncture, did you find that helpful?
@WhiteDigestives @m00ngirl im sorry to hear you’re both finding things difficult, comforting to hear we’re not alone! 💕

We had similar, and ended up going down the IVF route. The nhs said it was unexplained infertility. It was the best thing we could have done. We have two babies from our first and only round. I suspect without it I'd still be waiting and testing every month.

I'm 10DPO and felt weirdly positive this month - my boobs are big, hormones feel right, had continuous low level cramp since 4DPO. I want nothing more than a December baby and had allowed myself to think this month was my month. I just did an easy @ home test so, the most sensitive test, and of course it's a BFN. Like the most perfectly clear negative. Of course I'll do another test in a couple of days but it looks like no Christmas baby for me. And the cramp is probably undiagnosed endometriosis which the NHS refuse to properly investigate and I've probably got a monstrous period on the way as usual. I've never ever had even a hint of a positive. I don't know how I can keep going through these cycles of disappointment. Disappointment is too light a word really, I don't even have the words. It's so consuming. I am absolutely hating this process.

@WhiteDigestives my twins were conceived with once a month sex so there definitely is hope!

@m00ngirl i know it feels a bit like Groundhog Day, doesn’t it? It’s so tough. 10DPO is still early though so 🤞for you!

Thanks @mnie I'm trying to think of things I can enjoy over the next week or so before the next cycle of disappointment (mainly 🍷?!) but my god it's so depressing. I get really low in January so don't really like the idea of being pregnant then. Will take whatever I can get. But I really wanted a December baby, I can't describe how happy I'd have been.

Have you asked your GP for a fertility blood test yet? Might be good just to check if you're having troubles. No time to waste in our 30s imo! I do have period issues so knew I would be off but I had extremely low progesterone at my NHS test, whilst my Hertility test came back normal. I'm waiting for repeat NHS blood results to see if that's every month or was an irregularity (neither option is great).