should I have a baby?

[granolacrayons]

Hi there, postdoctoral research scientist and I'm on a fixed-term research contract at a Russell group university and I am thinking about having a baby very soon (I'm 32). I am worried about losing my job and the quality of life my family would have. I have to leave my house at 6:30 am and return at about 6:30 pm due to my commute, do you think that this would be hard to do with a baby? Myself and my husband work in different cities, and we live in a small town in between. We have no family close by. I am finding my work life very difficult as it is, I am stressed and in tears most days, this is probably mostly due to the insecurity of my situation. We have discussed moving closer to one of the cities but because of the insecurity of our contracts, we are worried about losing our jobs and not being able to afford the larger mortgage and it would mean that one person would have an extremely long commute.

I work in a very male-dominated field, and the very few examples I've seen of working mothers in the department, make me feel very worried. One postdoc was expected to come to meetings and work throughout her maternity leave. She was in the office writing papers and coming to meetings 2 weeks after giving birth even though she officially took 6 months off. She was scared of her contract not being renewed. Other mothers have not had their contracts renewed or projects were cut short. Not 100% this was due to them being pregnant, but talk in the department is that this is the underlying reason.

I've been trying to get a permanent job in either industry or academia in a more practical location, so I could take some decent maternity leave, but I've been rejected over and over again. I don't know if I should have a baby now or wait until my husband and I can get permanent work in the same city. Has anyone else here experienced anything similar?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Here's the thread I mentioned:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2726765-To-have-decided-to-have-a-baby-while-on-a-temporary-contract

[UndersecretaryofWhimsy]

I hope you sort it out granola. But something in your current setup will almost certainly have to give. Are you in touch with any specialist agencies/sources of information on how to make the jump from academia to industry?

Also, you can take your postgraduate education and PhD off your CV. I'm just saying. You probably are right that it's holding you back in non-academic fields and honestly if you want a family right now you'd be better off with a low-level permanent civilian job with regular hours and proper leave.

Academia + family is very hard unless you already have a permanent senior position, extensive family support, or a spouse able and willing to become a SAHP or take a substantial career pause.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Hi OP - I don't have many solutions for you but lots of sympathy for the predicament! I had very similar concerns, particularly about having a baby on a fixed-term contract: you can probably find the thread (I got some really helpful advice) if you search under my username. I have both some advantages you don't (I can work from home quite often; I'm pretty certain my immediate boss would be very supportive) and some disadvantages (there isn't really an industry equivalent of my field, so a lot fewer job options). I've just had a very early miscarriage, unfortunately - but that was the first thing that really and truly clarified my feelings. When I found out I was pregnant I did have a 'I have thrown my career away' panic, but I was still thrilled and excited for the pregnancy. I knew then that I'd made the right decision and, although that pregnancy sadly wasn't to be, I actually feel happier and less conflicted about trying to conceive now.

On the fixed-contract thing (which is the part of your post I most strongly identify with):

1. It's easy to imagine that everyone else around you is in secure jobs. They may not be. I've known several people who have found themselves completely unexpectedly redundant. If people only had a baby when they were certain they'd still have a job in two years' time no one would have one.
   
2. Yes, an insecure job makes things harder - but it also means it's even less worth making sacrifices. Ultimately, I feel like even if I don't have a baby there's a pretty significant chance that I'll never make the leap from fixed-term contracts to a permanent academic job. I'm not really willing to take the risk of that happening and having given up my dreams of children for my job.

[Onlyaplasticbagdear]

Is your partner on a decent salary??

[Onlyaplasticbagdear]

I personally wouldn't want to have a baby with that length of commute, I would burn out really really fast.

It IS doable of course but for me it just would be feasible.

[heateallthebuns]

Well you will probably have to change job / take a career break or your husband will. It doesn't sound feasible to look after a baby in your current set up. Or could you retrain in something? A pgce only takes a year and is funded.

[xStefx]

No I couldn't afford not to work either, that's why I had to change jobs for a while. I fully intend to go back to my old career though. I hope you manage to sort it op :-)

[granolacrayons]

Sorry, this isn't about work being my main priority. I am not even on a particularly high salary at the moment. The reality is that I can't afford not to work, so I am trying to figure out how to make the best of my situation.

[xStefx]

Its a hard one, I had a 14 year career in debt collection and repossessions before I got pregnant with dd. Was travelling a lot and out of the house for about 11 - 12 hours a day. It was genuinely impossible for me when she was born, she was waking up and I was taking her straight to nursery, then as I picked her up in the evening it would be time for her bed and I was only seeing her properly on the weekend. Plus I was sooo tired (little ones are hard work) and I ended up miserable. (im only saying as you have asked opinions and I don't want people telling you it will be fine and all smelling of roses when its bloody hard). In the end I went part time to new job , decided to put my career on hold (only on hold as it meant a lot to me) until DD was in school. I was/ am much calmer! sometimes something's just gotta give , I get how hard it is for you , you seem a bit stuck.

[LadyDawn]

IMHO, I wouldn't wait to have a child. Work is a way to make money for material things, and so we can live our lives. Material things can always wait. Having a house is obviously quite important, but biology does not wait for us; life does not wait for us. You will probably find that when you have a child your priorities will change, maybe for the better?

[granolacrayons]

we could move closer to my work, but I have justified fears that I could lose my job.

[granolacrayons]

It is not that I don't want to compromise. I can't get a job with a shorter commute at the moment, even though I am trying very hard. I agree the situation is not ideal.

[xStefx]

My child has thrived on 5 hours a day too. I did state it was only my opinion so no need to get offended. Plus OP wanted opinions so I was only giving mine. I do believe children need your time though, no one can argue that.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

Both of mine have absolutely thrived on 10 hours a day of nursery, five days a week from the time they were eight months old, so please don't let Stef's opinion put you off.

[xStefx]

In my optinion (only mine so not speaking for anyone else) 12 hours in childcare seems too much for a small child.

If your not ready to compromise and make time for a baby then I wouldn't suggest having one until you are ready, its a big commitment and they need your time.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

You really don't want a nursery close to work if you've got a long commute. If you're sick, or need to take a day off for a medical appointment or something, and still want them to go to nursery, you do not want to be schlepping your child in all the way to somewhere near your work, rather than just popping them around the corner near home. Secondly, at older baby/toddler age they will fall asleep in the car journey on the way home which will, quite frankly, fuck up your evening as they'll be awake until Christ knows when, and all you'll want to be doing is getting your jobs done, resting and getting to bed yourself ASAP. Thirdly, and this is much less of a consideration but one I've appreciated, is a nursery near home means they'll be more likely to have nursery friends go into school with them - this was great peace of mind when DS1 started school. This wouldn't happen with a nursery near your work.

[granolacrayons]

nagsandovalballs it is so difficult! I'm finding it so hard to get a job outside academia. I think I would be more employable without my PhD.

[WantToGoingTo]

undersecretary that's sort of what we do tho we live close to dh work, and what we will do if we can't move before he starts new job in June!

[ElphabaTheGreen]

No, granola - you just have to start work later! You can't drop a child off at nursery before opening hours - there's no one there to look after them.

I have to be out of the house at 7am. DH drops our DSs off at breakfast club and nursery for bang-on opening at 7:30am. I do pick up at around 5/5:30pm (both close at 6pm).

DH works away sometimes, which means I have to start work later on those days since I get in closer to 9am rather than my required start time of 8am. I have an arrangement with my (lovely, supportive, female) manager and co-workers to work through my lunch for a couple of days to make up the hours. As I also have to do pick up those days, working later isn't an option as I'd never make it before 6pm closing of nursery and after school club.

Pre-children these practicalities never occurred to me. DH has had to pass up work opportunities for want of just an extra 30-60 minutes of child care at one end of the day or the other.

[nagsandovalballs]

I've just had a cry because I'm an arts and hums person in the same position. Not particularly keen having kids, but stressed and depressed by the endless chasing of fixed term posts.

I don't know what to do and I'm not qualified to work in other industries.

[WantToGoingTo]

We lived v close to dh work so he does nursery drop off at 7.30 and he picks up at 5 (works 8-4.30). We also have two days of grandparents looking after DS which is a huge help so nursery is only three days. When I wfh I do the drop off and pick ups (twice a week depending which days I wfh). If you can't work out childcare between you at the moment I would consider waiting until it's feasible. That or be content to give up your FTC when you start maternity leave and find something else to return to (ultimately what I did after I was made redundant!) but v stressful looking for a new job with a baby

[Smartiepants79]

In my opinion your current set up would be extremely difficult with a baby/small child thrown in as well. I would say that unless you are going to hire a nanny it would be almost impossible. I think that both of you need to decide what your current priorities are. Your careers or a family? Because one of them is going to have to give at least for a while.

[granolacrayons]

That is what I am trying to do, I've applied for many jobs, but I haven't been successful yet. There is a nursery close to my work. But I am worried about taking the baby on my M62 motorway commute. I am a bit clueless when it comes to babies, but I am worried about doing a journey like that by myself.

[shakeyospeare]

Are there not childcare facilities where you work or near where you work?

You don't sound very happy in your job or your place of work - are there any opportunities or jobs that you could do that would make you happier?

[UndersecretaryofWhimsy]

Personally I don't work full time and don't work as long days as you, but we have a shared nanny who starts at 0730. My H and I stagger our working day - I start and finish earlier and do pickup, he starts later and does dropoff.