Come talk to me - ears pinned back - anyone being through this with their child?

[Sandy22]

My ds does have fairly large ears which do stick out - he is becoming more aware of this and is asking why his ears can't be like mine and go in rather than stick out. Has anyone had a child that have had their ears pinned back? I would be grateful to hear from you.

[stressedbutluvem]

40 now but had mine done when I was 8 on the NHS. Was teased terribly at school. Parents arranged appointments etc but then I made the final decision. Sooooooooo glad I did never regretted it and having been an ENT nurse since it doesnt seem as involved as when i had it done. I have one other part of my body that I hate and was also teased about, still hate it now and so wished that I could have had surgery for that as well so for me personally anyway, it's not like this is a childhood thing that will go away in adulthood.

[Elibean]

Sandy22, hi, am now re-connected having moved and friend's dd has had her op

I asked her Mum for low-down: she says it was day surgery, and apart from sickness from the anaesthetic her dd had no problems at all. She complained a bit about the bruise on her hand being sore (where the cannula went in for the anaesthetic) but didn't once complain of pain re her ears. They gave calpol and nurofen regularly for a couple of days, then stopped - and she's playing and happy and fine. Big bandage around her head, to be changed a week later and replaced by a light bandage - and she's off school for 1-2 weeks to avoid knocks.

dd is going to the movies with her today (5 days post-op), she has friends over etc, just being careful as playground play can be rough and its not worth the risk.

She was a breech baby, and one of her ears was actually twisted forwards - the other was just sticky out, but they did both while they were at it.

HTH, good luck with your decision - am sure its a tough call, no black/white about things like this IMO

[pofacedandproud]

i don't think it is about telling him to put up with it. It is about telling him how amazing and beautiful he is, and instilling inside him a sense of confidence about himself that cannot be riled by the bullies. I am not saying this always works, I am not saying you don't do it alredy, but it is different to shutting your child out and telling him to 'put up with it' -that would be awful.

[Sandy22]

Niggle: I don't have a casual approach to serious surgery at all which is why I posted the question in the first place! If in the long run my ds begins to be very unhappy and starts to lose the confidence that he has because of his ears then why on earth would I tell him just to get on with it and put up with the bullying and taunts when there is a possible solution to help him - duh!

[Hollyoaks]

You're right that its a confidence issue but for some people who haven't got that natural 'x-factor' type personality the bullies can really drag you down. Not sure what the answer is, its definitely a personal decision and no people can be treat the same.

[pofacedandproud]

Perhaps pre-surgery counselling might be a good idea? I don't know, just wondering. My dh was made miserable by the bullying at school about his ears, but children do bully for so many reasons, and he is now confident and well adjusted [sort of ] Perhaps it is worse for girls, the pressure for physical perfection is much greater. I knew a boy who didn't just have sticky out ears, he was really quite ugly. But he had no problems getting girls, as he was super confident [his mother idolized him] and was very, very funny.

[Hollyoaks]

To be honest that was aimed more at niggle than you. Self-worth issues can be treat in a number of ways including councelling (sp?) or even medication. If its already medicalised (sp) in that way why is surgery not acceptable. In many cases that's the issue over, when its the right decision for the individual.

[pofacedandproud]

Of course it was not vanity. I totally understand why you felt that way and made the decision you did. But there is a wider discussion to be had, that of helping self-worth through surgery, and whether that is the correct route to take.

[Hollyoaks]

Niggle, my parents did not take a 'casual' approach to the surgery nor did my gp. To get the surgery on the NHS a persons mental well-being has to be at risk. My parents could have reassured me until they were blue in the face but it wouldn't have changed my pov and how much I hated myself. My parents would have chosen not to put me through the surgery if it was their decision but it was mine. They did what many parents would do and supported that decision.

It is not a vanity issue its a self-worth issue which needs to be addressed. You obviously have not been in my shoes or anyone elses who has felt the need to undergo a surgical procedure for this reason. I feel quite offended that you think this was a throw away decision for my family and that my parents thought that this was the easy option rather than teach me the values of appreciating the hand that was dealt.

[nigglewiggle]

Obviously I am not unbiased and I have no desire to see children unhappy. But I think as parents we have a responsibility to teach children that we cannot have everything that we want, just because we want it. I think this casual approach to serous surgery is setting a worrying example to a young person.

[dogonpoints]

My friend was very happy with her dds' looks. The 12 year old girl was not happy. And all ears are diffrent. You have no idea what hers looked like and how she felt about it. You are entrenched in your own subjective view.

[nigglewiggle]

Well I don't know what else to call it. Surely we are encouraging vanity by organising surgery for children because we they are not happy about how they look. I wonder how much more likely I would have been to pick my appearance apart if my parents had started with some 'minor alterations.'

[dogonpoints]

Of course there is another way, and a way which most parents try, I suspect. The op is experiencing the same problem - when a child is old enough to be self-conscious and influenced by others considered more important than parents and teachers.

[pofacedandproud]

I'm not attacking your friend's decision dogonpoints, I can see that pov, and respect it, just think there might be another way too.

[dogonpoints]

My friend did try for the ideal. Why do you think people don't try for the ideal and often find out it won't work for them?

[pofacedandproud]

yes it is an ideal, but worth trying for! I do wonder where we draw the line. I hated the way I looked as a teenager, I was paralysed by it, but in my case it was confidence that was needed, not surgery.

[dogonpoints]

Can't you see that that is just you, niggle, and that this is an extremely personal issue?

In fact, I feel pissed off that you are talking about 'vanity' in such a way

[nigglewiggle]

I've grown up with sticking out ears and to me it is "normal" it's a bit of a family trait, so I'm quite fond of them.

Yes I got teased about them, but if it wasn't my ears it would have been something else. Would you get your child a nose job if they had a 'big' nose, would you let them have liposuction if they struggled to lose weight?

I think that allowing vanity to drive us towards cosmetic surgery for our children is a step too far.

My family gave me the confidence to deal with the teasing and I have never even felt the slightest bit tempted to go under the surgeon's knife.

[dogonpoints]

That sounds ideal, po, but really wouldn't work in many situations

[pofacedandproud]

well no my point wasn't that a child should have to withstand bullying to teach society something, though I can see what you are saying. It was that working on a child's inner confidence may be as/more important than solving an external flaw. That and having a good teacher at school who can promote the right values of caring for each other at school and teaching what is really important and what isn't. I do understand though why you'd choose to have the op.

[dogonpoints]

And my friend - whose dd had her ears done in teh summer - is very anti g&a. She used to go wild-eyed at the the risks when my dd was having one gromet op after another. But she realised what this meant to her dd.

[dogonpoints]

I know what you;re saying, pofaced, but no one wants their child to go through supreme embarrassment and unhappiness for the sake of teaching society what's normal and what's not.

If you had a child you was 10+ and hated their ears, you;d know all about it and it is the child's feelings that make the decision all teh easier.

[Hollyoaks]

In response to an earlier question, my decision to have the op was based upon my impression of myself as being in some way 'abnormal'. This was due to other peoples comments but it made me feel like I stood out, like that was all people were looking at. I agree that ga for something that is not essential for health may not be for everyone but the difference it has made to my life was worth the risk.

I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to go to uni or have boyfriends had I not had it done as my self-image was so low.

[castille]

But Noah, you can't do ears at an age when they are too young to realise or remember much of what happens.

And ptosis can lead to more serious conditions, whereas sticking out ears are just aesthetically bothersome. So it has to be the child's choice. And in any case, no cosmetic surgeon would pin back the ears of an unwilling child.

[Sandy22]

My ds mentioned his ears again today - I told him that you can go to the doctors and they can do something with his ears. When he asked what do I mean, I took him to the mirror and put his ears in a bit - he took one look at himself and said yes there are in but then it doesn't look like me anymore..... this made me smile and sort of warmed my heart.