Depressed,Exhausted,Lonely,Pregnant Single Mother?

[MaVictoria]

I am 31 weeks pregnant with my fourth baby. I was married when i had my older 2 children and divorced their father on mutual terms and am still good friends with him and his second wife.
My 3rd child came after 2 years into my next relationship, he is now almost 3 years old and my relationship with his father didn't work out due to his infidelity.
This pregnancy was a surprise as i had only just met my partner weeks before. We are still together and looking forward to the baby, especially him(its his first!) and he gets on famously with my other children.We do not live together as we are still getting to know each other and don't want to commit ourselves financially or move in together for the sake of convenience or just "because of the baby", we want to do this when we both feel ready because its what WE want. However, i feel so alone as i am raising 3 children single handedly and although i have chosen this path i feel very tired and depressed.I try real hard to keep on top of the housework, cooking, childminding, shopping etc, and at this stage of my pregnancy really miss having a partner to help me out with the domestic side of things especially as my partner is at university and works hard to pay for his rent/school fees and other expenses. He has bought alot for the baby already and is being responsible where his baby is concerned. I just wondered if there are any other single parents out there who try to keep on top of things and what their attitude is to all this. Do i sound hopeless and unable to cope? I feel a failure not being able to be super woman...any comments appreciated.

[bayleaf]

Wow - I'm not a single mum but I think you sound pretty amazing! To manage to put one foot in front of another on a regular basis with 3 children and being 31 weeks pregnant is quite a feat in itself - being a single mum on top just takes my breath away! I'm not at all surprised that you feel down and have moments when it gets on top of you - YOu must be an incredibly strong person to cope the rest of the time on your own - from where I'm standing you ARE superwoman - or at least her cousin!

[katierocket]

here, here bayleaf! don't be hard on yourself MaVictoria, sounds like you have a fantastically tiring life. you're most definitely not a failure.

[SofiaAmes]

You poor thing. I have a super helpful husband and I was exhausted by 31 weeks with my 2nd child. I have a suggestion....how about asking him to pay for a once a week babysitter and/or cleaner so that you can get a break. You say that he has bought a lot for the baby already. Perhaps instead of buying anything else, he could do that for you instead. You probably have more than enough around from the other kids and the new baby will be much better off with a healthy happy mummy, than new clothes etc. Also, although not moving in together just for the baby is probably very wise, it does mean that your partner who hasn't had a child before, probably has no idea how time consuming children can be and how exhausting being pregnant is. When I was pregnant with my 2nd who was my dh's 5th, he would still say stupid things to me like why do I have to carry ds (20 mo.) AND the shopping and you're not carrying anything? Never mind that I had gained 3 stone with the pregnancy and was probably "carrying" more than him.

[judetheobscure]

Would he be able to stay with you at weekends? to give you a chance of a lie-in and a bit of a help with chores etc. Doesn't have to be a permanent thing although he sounds committed and would probably want to be around more when the baby arrives anyway.

It's great that your children get on so well with him, and also that you get on so well with your ex and his 2nd wife. Would your ex be able to help out with his children a bit more?

You sound like you're doing a great job; I just wonder whether you could tell a few frineds/relations that you're finding it hard. I'm sure they'd rally round and help you out - because no one should have to be superwoman.

[suedonim]

MaVictoria, if you have a local college near you they may be able to send a childcare student to help you out. It gives them experience and gives you a break! I don't think you can leave them alone with the children but having another bod in the house might be good support. Also, if your area has a HomeStart scheme, they can supply a volunteer to help you. Look in your phone book for tel numbers or ask your Local Council. HTH.

[MaVictoria]

I just checked to see if anyone had any comments on how i felt yesterday. I sat and cried at what people had said. It is very lonely when you have friends and family who admire you for your strength and how you cope so well most of the time, although at times like this i have no-one.
Everyone thinks i am doing a great job, or that i am invincible! I try to tell them how human i am, and that i can feel low, and unable to cope like the rest of us, and at the moment i feel physically weak. I can't answer my phone to help sort out other peoples problems out or be the ever loving host for them when they all come to take a piece of me...I am trying to stay strong for my children because they are my priorities.
My older two children are amazingly helpful, and have been shopping, tidying up, doing pots, and i feel terrible putting the responsiblity on them as they are children at the end of the day...Thank you all for your comments though...they meant so much to me, and it was nice not to feel so alone, knowing that i had told somebody out there who was prepared to listen. Much love to all of you, you are also super women too...i am sure of that without a doubt!!

[bayleaf]

MaVictoria - You are NEVER alone now you have found Mumsnet - that may sound twee but many of us will testify to how true it is - and how much support we have had from others who we only ''know'' in a very unreal way.
YOu can be entirely honest on here and admit to your failings and down moments that the ''real world '' doesn't see and there is alwasy someone around to cheer you up
I'm going thru my third lot of ivf ( well - to be strictly honest a Frozen embryo transfer this time)at the moment so am on a bit of a roller-coaster but Mumsnet always makes me smile when I'm totally fed up
Hope it can do the same for you....
bayleaf
x

[WideWebWitch]

MaVictoria, I was on my own briefly with just one and I found it very hard, so congratulations for managing so well with 3 and 1 on the way. Agree with Bayleaf about mumsnet but watch out - it's SO addictive that your older ones may find they're looking after the other 2 more than they bargained for (I'm joking!) I can't add much to the advice here really but homestart sounds like a good idea, as does asking your partner for specific help sometimes. You don't say whether you've got family nearby, could they help if so? Sometimes people have no idea you're struggling until you tell them.

[MaVictoria]

Wickedwaterwitch&bayleaf > you may both be right, especially as i cant help but pop online to have a good read about other amazing women out there from all over the world as well as the uk...I am definately addicted. My family are not supportive although they do live close by. My name Victoria meaning Conqueror,Superior,leader,unbeaten,top, successful, undefeated, champion...scary...but they remind me i have to live up to the name or else i am no good...they just dont see me anything less than this,i get no help from them.They are embarrassed and feel inferior and i wish they didn't in fact i just wish they would swap places with me, i wouldnt have to try so hard then.

[MaVictoria]

Bayleaf >hope that its third time lucky for you...all the luck in the world to you...will think positive thoughts for you. take care now.MaVictoria