Feel guilty for elcs

[pennypitstoppe]

Recently my second child was born by elcs. She was born at 38+5, weighed 7lbs and had apgar of 9. During the pregnancy the consultant said I could choose vbac or elcs as I had a previous emcs. I chose elcs due to fear of childbirth and fear that vbac would end up with emcs.

However, post bbirth I've felt constantly guilty for delivering dd before she wanted to be born. I wonder whether she wanted to be born at 41 weeks etc. She wasn't engaged when delivered, this adds to my guilt.

I hope this thread won't upset anyone else! I feel like I've let my baby down. The midwives think I'm worrying unnecessarily. My first dc was born at 39+1, so only four days later than dc2.

[AbbeyRoadCrossing]

OP I wouldn't worry about studies. I work in stats and I've not seen any conclusive evidence one way or the other that has convinced me, both modes of delivery have advantages and disadvantages. And VBAC has it's own set of risks you'd have considered carefully I'm sure.
In the UK, most CS are done for a medical reason, which complicates any studies. Low risk women will usually have a vaginal birth so any study is already skewed. A lot of studies I've seen lump in the emergency sections with the electives as well.
In some countries, CS is the norm, with only those without access to healthcare having vaginal births. As you can probably guess, studies in countries where CS is the norm show it as being 'better' whereas the opposite is true for countries where vaginal birth is the norm.

I won't waffle on boring everyone, but in short most babies born in the UK at term are fine whatever the method and I'm sure yours is just perfect

[blowinahoolie]

"She wasn't engaged when delivered, this adds to my guilt."

DC3 has to be born soon, I'm getting induced on Sunday. He/she isn't engaged yet either and I'll take things as they come starting with a vaginal delivery. It may end up being EMCS. Will take it as it comes. There's a strong chance baby won't be engaged when I go in for the induction, it will have to be forced upon the baby I suppose, to get things moving along.

Please don't feel guilty.

[Jw35]

Crazy talk! My baby was born by Elcs 5 days early, she was a whopping 9lb 8oz and it was a wonderful experience! As long as both you and the baby are healthy and happy what does it matter?

[Neverending2012]

it really is a non issue. I had a cs with my ds. He was ok and I was too. Sadly he died before his 2nd birthday due to a medical condition pinpointed later on in his short life. I guess what I am trying to say is worry about the big things.

[Imisscheese]

Congratulations, haven't rtft but I was induced and then had DD by emcs as my pelvis is too small. The consultant thinks part of the fact I couldn't breastfeed was the general anaesthetic and just how depleted I was. With DS I has an elcs at 39+1, I have wondered how long he would have stayed put for given that DD was induced at 41+5. However, DD had marks on her head from the time spent being pushed against my pelvis, she was very unhappy initially and my birth ended up under general. Ds's birth was amazing in comparison and even if he was early he has been amazingly happy. This time breast feeding worked. If the birth works for you, then it's great. Please don't feel bad the way you have a baby is no ones business but your own. Xxx

[neolara]

Congratulations on your new baby. Don't waste these precious early months feeling bad about something that really is a complete non issue. Your dd sounds absolutely fine.

[Lilipot15]

I don't know how old your baby is but could postnatal hormones be playing a role in your thoughts?

No need to feel guilty and I have heard from obstetrician friends that they would choose a CS for all sorts of reasons.

I was fine with my planned CS after emCS first time round until I met a new health visitor antenatally and she put all sorts of doubts in my head, culminating in me nearly refusing it on the day (fortunately DH was able to remind me that the obstetrician also thought I should have a CS and not VBAC, turns out she was right, at my CS scar was found to be close to rupture). So now I just feel bloody grateful to have a healthy baby.

Your mode of delivery is absolutely no-one's business but your own. Congratulations on your baby and make sure you look after yourself.

[RedToothBrush]

There was a study in China about ELCS. I don't know how credible it is or whether it has been repeated elsewhere, but the suggestion was that ELCS babies are calmer in nature.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/8105091/Children-born-by-elective-caesarean-calmer.html

Personally I don't hold to that fact that this therefore makes ELCS 'better'. Just different. Especially if it is found that the gut theory is true. It does highlight that it probably is a case that you are never going to 'win' whatever you do because there are positives and negatives to both VBs and CS.

The interesting thing here is that in China, this is being used as a way to encourage women to have ELCS, rather than beating women up for having them. Its very much a cultural conditioning as to how you view the way in which you give birth, with much less emphasis on peer reviewed scientific evidence (unlike the above mentioned studies which are not peer reviewed).

[pennypitstoppe]

Thanks, I love these replies and feel so much better! I may print them and save them for the future in case I need reminding. The consultant who did the section was lovely, he said the gut bacteria argument has not been proven to cause problems and is used by those anti sections to discourage them. He said if you bf after birth there's loads of bacteria on and around the nipple and in the milk that will expose baby to lots of bacteria.

[LieselVonTwat]

Yeah, that. You have nothing to feel guilty about OP. As others have said, babies don't know when to be born or want to be born. If they did, stillbirths and micro-premies wouldn't happen (and incidentally, your ELCS at 38+5 meant a lower risk of stillbirth than birth at 41 weeks). She didn't 'want' to be born at 41 weeks because she wouldn't have been capable of holding that view, and even if she did, do you normally let your baby have everything she wants? Mine tried to eat the lace from a pair of trainers today. You can be damn fucking sure I didn't let her do it. Babies are stupid. So are people who tell you they know/want when to be born.

And while it's true that VB and CS babies have different gut bacteria, there's no evidence that either is better. Funny really, people who decide apropos of nothing that the difference must be significant always presume the VB babies are the ones at an advantage. Given the utter absence of evidence, for all we know it could be the other way round!

[RedToothBrush]

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty that he didn't get his dose of 'good bacteria' that babies get going down the birth canal (supposed to help colonise the gut with good bacteria to protect them from illnesses etc- the book 'gut' helps explain).

This has not been proved. Cause / effect. And there are looks of other explanations that have not been ruled out. It might be in a book, but its a book of questionable research.

So really don't feel guilty because some book is spouting guff without proper evidence.

[mikado1]

Truest words ever: babies come with a whole packet of guilt that arrives in your life and swims round finding something to attach onto.

[BoskyCat]

It's a slightly separate issue but there is often guilt about not managing a whole labour and vaginal birth without painkillers – and praise for women who do manage that.

But I find that bizarre really – we wouldn't praise someone for having an operation without painkillers. People have different bodies and different pain thresholds, and it's not a moral failure to need assistance.

[Charis1]

I don't think you feel guilty because you had a Elcs. I think you feel guilty because you had a baby.

babies come with a whole packet of guilt that arrives in your life and swims round finding something to attach onto.

I had an epidural. I felt guilty about that.

[mikado1]

Oh gosh don't feel guilty, she is absolutely fine and adored, I'm sure. I have felt guilty these last few weekstoo-I didn't leave for hospital on time and ds was born at home with no medical supervision. Also feel I left him down but he is safe and sound and I have to stop going over it. My DSis had two sections and like you felt bad but a few years on she says 'you can't pick out the children who were born by section and those that weren't' and laughs at her guilt. Enjoy your dd and cherish her, you have no reason to feel guilty

[ginagslovechild]

My DD was induced at 37 wks due to preeclampsia, and my ds was born naturally at 38 weeks, I honestly don't think dd was ready to be born but I don't feel guilty, her health and my health was much too important to take the risk. And now she is 4 do you think she cares how she came into this world? No all she cares about is princesses and when her next snack is

[BoskyCat]

I've had two c-sections, and the second was elective because of my previous emcs, like you. (Actually, it wasn't quite elective because I went into labour first and it had to be brought forward, but it was planned and happened the way I wanted.)

I was also born by CS myself. The way I see it is, there are some people for whom a vaginal birth is going to go well, and some for whom it won't - for whatever reason. It has been that way for a long time and that's partly why dying in childbirth used to be pretty common, for both mother and baby.

Now we have c-sections, many of the women who used to die will not be dying, and if physical features that lead to c-sections get passed on, there will be more women who need them.

Having a previous emcs is a fine reason to have an elcs. Not to say there's anything wrong with trying for a VBAC either, but if you feel better with an elcs lined up (I know I did) and you and the baby have a good birth that way, you know you have done right by your baby.

As PPs have said lots of babies are born before they are ready because of problems with the pregnancy, induction etc. not because the baby wanted it. I'm actually not sure the baby does want or decide when to be born – it's your body that decides when to go into labour. Sometimes that happens very late, and that can be a risk to the baby, which is why some inductions happen – so those babies aren't in control either.

Lastly I celebrate my c-sections, I am very happy that I had them and that I had medical staff at the time who listened to me and my body and saw that a vaginal birth was not going to happen. No forceps, no high-risk delivery, no permanent damage to me that could have been caused by trying to get my babies out vaginally – those are things to be happy about. Just my beautiful, pale scar that is my badge of having my DC. I'm not saying anyone who did it the other way is any the less for that either - they should celebrate too. But a birth is a birth is a birth, and you did not let your baby down – quite the opposite.

Congratulations on your baby

[pennypitstoppe]

I'm really touched by the replies, thank you! I'm feeling a bit better already. Tiggery thank you

It's great to hear all the experiences and logos that confirm my choice was ok. I suppose we never know what nature would bring, I could've ended up with emcs, surgical damage or a damaging natural labour, who knows. I will try to be glad that she's well and growing, I am very grateful. I think as a mum there's a pressure to be perfect but that's not possible.

[AbbeyRoadCrossing]

I too felt guilty when DS was an EMCS at 36 weeks. There was nothing I could've done about it but I felt guilty for a while for signing the forms, even though I know that makes no logical sense.

You did the right thing and baby sounds healthy. With birth you never know anyway. If you'd VBAC something might've made you feel guilty after that if it hadn't gone to plan. And many 'natural' births have inductions, drips etc to get things moving. How you feel better soon

[Tiggeryoubastard]

Penny, you took what sounds to me like the right decision. You carried her and kept her safe. You chose to take the safest option for delivery. You have a beautiful healthy daughter. You did the right thing. You obviously adore her to be letting this none issue get to you so much. Please stop thinking like this, bloody well congratulate yourself, and go and enjoy her. That's an order.

[ChunkyPickle]

Nothing to feel guilty about - I went for the VBAC and ended up with another EMCS, I should have gone for the ELCS as you did - you just can't predict these things and have to make the best call with the information you have at the time

[EarSlaps]

Also- you will have a million and one things to feel guilty about over the course of his life .

Ignore others and the media- if you've had to have emcs then before the wonders of modern medicine you probably wouldn't have even survived to have your second child!

[EarSlaps]

I had ELCS with DS2 after a very long labour and bad tear with ds1 (and warnings from the consultant that another natural delivery could leave with with double incontinence!).

I didn't feel a bit guilty about it. He was a much calmer baby than ds1 and only born 4 days earlier anyway.

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty that he didn't get his dose of 'good bacteria' that babies get going down the birth canal (supposed to help colonise the gut with good bacteria to protect them from illnesses etc- the book 'gut' helps explain). So I gave him a course of good probiotics as soon as he was six months. And I bf until he was after 1.

[pennypitstoppe]

Thank you! I think some negative comments from others and the media have made me feel worried!

That is a very good point re induction, I hadn't thought about lots of babies being induced. I keep reminding myself that lots of people have babies earlier than mine who are very healthy. I will try not to worry.

[ShadowLine]

There's nothing for you to feel guilty about. She's been born at full term and a good weight.

Babies born by VB don't necessarily turn up when the baby "wants" to be born either.