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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Childbirth

Instructions for birth partner - what would you add?

59 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 11/07/2014 06:18

I'm writing my DH a bullet-point list of 'instructions' for what he needs to do/how he can help during birth. From trivial (feed me jelly babies!) through to important medical stuff (if I have an EMCS make sure they remember that...).

Here's my headings so far - what would you add?

packing (double check have got maternity notes etc).

food drink and comfort (reminder of what's in hospital bag to feed me, help me stay cool etc)

coping (what he can do to help me keep calm - breathing/hypnobirthing stuff etc)

advocacy (key stuff from the birth plan he should make a fuss about to HCPs if needed).

OP posts:

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PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 13/07/2014 15:39

Is that an option in NHS hospitals Math? Not something I have heard of.

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mathanxiety · 13/07/2014 15:34

I would like to repeat again, that having the canula inserted when you have the chance is a very good idea. And epidurals themselves will bring significant pain relief to the vast majority of women.

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mathanxiety · 13/07/2014 15:30

Believe me, bad breath in your face (on top of every other damn thing that's going on) when you are trying to do controlled breathing, or to count while pushing is one of the nastiest things one human can inflict on another.

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ohthegoats · 13/07/2014 12:35

Is it wrong to have laughed at lots of these! Good suggestions. I bumped into a guy in the lift at my last consultant appointment who had been sent for a walk, poor chap seemed traumatised.. clutching a Sainsburys carrier bag repeating 'She's in labour now... 5 hours to go apparently... she's in labour right now... '

My favourite is CLEAN YOUR TEETH. I'm having serious issues with the smell of my boyfriend at the moment (I'm 29 weeks, I thought it might wear off), especially his breath. He gets all snippy about being constantly asked to clean his teeth - excuse me, if that's the worst physical thing that's going to happen to you, then feel lucky!

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PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 13/07/2014 12:35

Absolutely Weebairn. And the key thing , especially with your first, is that your preferences in theory might be different to in practice.

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weebairn · 13/07/2014 12:09

I didn't want an epidural cause I wanted to stay at home. Would I have had one at transition (which went on for hours) if it had been easily available? Yes, definitely. Was I glad to be at home with real food, nice shower, peace and quiet, easy start to breastfeeding and my DP there all day and all night following the birth? Yes. It was worth it for me. I also liked being on my feet immediately after birth and I didn't find the pushing stage painful or difficult.

Different people want different things and I don't get what the sneering is about. I have friends who want an epidural regardless of how the labour goes (my friend had one at 9cm in both of her short straightforward labours) and that is completely their choice and cool by me!

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jessiemummy28 · 13/07/2014 09:30

The only instruction for my DH was to not touch me and not talk to me, and to not tell me I'm 'doing really well!'. Honestly he ended up just sitting next to me practically in silence for the whole labour!

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PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 13/07/2014 09:26

I am not arguing that an epidural won't, for most people, be an improvement on pain that is getting too much to bear. I'm saying that the "why on earth wouldn't women have one, you don't get a medal" etc attitude shown sometimes isn't fair to women who have very valid reasons to want to avoid them. Just as unfair as those who look down on pain relief.

FWIW, incomplete pain relief was way worse for me than none, as my mobility had been so reduced that I had lost my other coping mechanisms. And pain relief down just one side, as a friend had, is just hellish.

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combust22 · 13/07/2014 07:27

I would have hated having an epidural canula inserted "just in case". For many that would generate quite a lot of anxiety and fear, which in itself could impact on the progress of labour.

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mathanxiety · 12/07/2014 22:53

Incomplete pain relief is a lot better than none. The majority of women experience significant pain relief after an epidural, and a woman needs to be able to have some sense of having contractions and the urge to push, plus the ability to direct pushing effort. Even a non-mobile epidural is an improvement on pain that is getting to be too much to bear.

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PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 12/07/2014 22:37

I think that's a slightly over-rosy picture of epidurals Math. Don't get me wrong, I think they should be available and every woman who wants one should get one. I think it is great the option is there. But not every hospital offers mobile epidurals (mine didn't). And the biggest downside is incomplete pain relief, which happens in about 10% of cases (including to me).

You can't know until you are in the midst of it. And I totally agree that there is no shame in having pain relief. But not should anyone think it's a magic cure. Not least because, for many first time mums, there is a lot of hard slog to get through before you'll be admitted to the ward and eligible for an epidural.

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mathanxiety · 12/07/2014 22:27

Forget about trying to decide if you're having a wobble or need more pain relief.

There is no shame in having pain relief. There are no medals handed out for gritting your way through this.

There are mobile epidurals.

The downsides of epidurals are very unusual. The advantages are many, and the advantages of having the canula inserted when this is a possibility are huge.

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PassTheAnswers · 12/07/2014 10:07

Dh's instructions were pretty minimal- keep me from going bonkers and double check I want drugs I I ask for them, if I couldn't for whatever reason then to have skin to skin with ds and if they separated me and ds, then sod me play chase the baby as I had huge anxiety about something going wrong for ds. I wanted him to tell me whether we had ds or dd.

For after birth, being me the biggest strongest vat of coffee from the hospital costa outlet.

I should have added:

don't snore when the mw fetches you a pillow and blanket because labour is taking such a bloody long time and I had no implements to chuck at him to make him move.
don't faint when they fuck up my epidural

This time round, I think it'll be similar although it'll be an elcs so snoring shouldn't be a problem.

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weebairn · 12/07/2014 09:09

I am considering a whole tribe of people for my second labour, in my first I would have thought that the worst idea ever

Oh and I really wanted to be massaged etc and talked DP through this at great length and then didn't let him touch me the entire time and smacked his hand if he tried. hah. You really don't know how you'll react.

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weebairn · 12/07/2014 09:08

Staying awake is really difficult in a long labour. I don't think it's fair to criticise partners for this. It's very intense for them too.

This was part of the reason why I had my best mate there as well.

My labour was 30 hours and I don't think DP actually slept, but he did go off for a walk in the fresh air for an hour at one point to clear his head. When he came back he was so much better, more supportive, more involved. I was so glad he could do that. He also got to eat (out of my sight, I did not want anyone eating anywhere near me!!) which must have helped his stamina a lot.

I wouldn't have let him do that if my friend wasn't there. She also slept for a few hours at one point in the labour. Meant she was chirpy enough to make us breakfast in bed after the birth and generally be very helpful! (we had a home birth)

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combust22 · 12/07/2014 08:41

I didn't want touched at all during labour.

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SunnyL · 12/07/2014 08:29

rub my back. Just keep rubbing my back. In fact even if your arm falls off find a way to keep rubbing my back.

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Suttonmum1 · 12/07/2014 08:18

If you use a Tens machine make sure DH knows how to use it.

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PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 12/07/2014 08:05

Heels - Of course there are no medals. If there was a one off injection into your arm with no side effects and no down sides, I doubt many women would refuse it. But spinal anaesthesia is not a perfect technology in that respect, there are risks (mostly of incomplete relief but enough impact on mobility to make that difficult to cope with) and downsides and they are legitimate reasons for women to want to avoid an epidural. FWIW, I had one first time and, for various fairly rare reasons, it was hellish and something I was desperate to avoid repeating.

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saffronwblue · 12/07/2014 07:50

Remind him that you may not know what is going on and he needs to tell you. DS was a horrible scarey forceps birth and rushed off to be resuscitated. I was calling out 'what's happening?'Wasn't even sure if the baby was out, if it was breathing or what sex it was. DH was sort of caught up in the drama around the baby and did not tell me what was going on quickly enough. (DS is a big strapping 15 year oldnow btw)

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missbluebird · 12/07/2014 07:40

Sounds like a sensible plan plateofcrumbs.

I totally get wanting to do it Heels...better for reducing birth interventions without and better for baby...but if you need it you need it!

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Heels99 · 12/07/2014 06:51

I too don't understand why women want to give birth on a hypno cd, you wouldn't have any other painful procedure done that way, giving birth is sheer agony take the drugs that make it easier. Martyrs don't get free nappies for life....

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Heels99 · 12/07/2014 06:49

If you feel "I can't do this" you do want your dh to ask for an anaesthetist. Many women find thee are none available when they want one.

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Plateofcrumbs · 12/07/2014 06:18

Definitely don't want to give impression of being control-freaky about this - I don't even have a written birth plan as such yet, and I'm planning on keeping it v brief. No pain relief options or inteventions are off the table, I'm just planning to take it as it comes.

The only thing I feel strongly about is not being confined to lay still on bed if I'm on CTG monitor so I want DH to be supportive on that.

Also having invested enough time listening to natal hypnotherapy CDs, I want DH to know a few key principles for helping me stay calm.

And related to that make sure he knows what useful bits and bobs are in the hospital bag etc (like if I'm hot, there's a mini-fan and a water spray, he doesn't need to start improvising with a damp paper towel and wafting a newspaper) so he can make himself useful on the small stuff without having to bother me.

I like the idea of encouraging him to check whether I'm having a 'wobble' vs really needing more pain relief. Frankly I'm not sure how either of us will know that in advance, but can't hurt for him to be alert to the possibility that I might just need coaxing through an 'I can't do this!' moment rather than him being off on an immediate mission to find the nearest anaesthesiologist.

OP posts:

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Mummycherry2 · 12/07/2014 03:22

I just told my DH to fight my corner and if I asked for something to make sure I got it.

He was absolutely superb! I was on the verge of things going very wrong when my waters were (incorrectly) artificially broken - 3 times. He demanded an epidural on my request and would not allow it to be fobbed off or refused like they tried. In fact he took it a little too far and threatened to sue :-s I got it though and I wouldn't have managed the end if I hadn't. DS popped out 20 mins later!

I had a conversation with my best friends DH last week as she is due at the end of the month and I literally said this to him. Just fight her corner and give her whatever she says she wants ( or I'll box your ears!!)