Of course, labour is tough, but retrospectively, there are actually still a couple of things I am laughing about today (my DS is 10 1/2 months old).
My DS was a bit of a surprise arrival at 36+1 weeks. Thinking that I would go into hospital to be assessed, maximally to stay a night to be started on antibiotics, I unpacked my hospital bag at home to pack a smaller overnight bag (my husband is still laughing about this today) and paid for three hours parking. A few hours and some tiny contractions later it dawned on me that I'd be here to stay for the night, so I shuffled downstairs to the hospital reception - in the spirit of active labour - to upgrade my parking ticket. And who is working at the parking office? The student whose PhD I had failed (and whom I really really dislike!) only about three weeks earlier 
...
Anyway, I shuffle back upstairs, contractions getting stronger and shorter together by the minute (start of contractions to 9 cm - 2 hours). I arrive back on the ward, the biggest contraction so far almost floors me. I lean on the reception desk and breathe heavily. Lady behind the desk: "What's wrong with you?" What's wrong with me? 
The best answer to this one would probably have been "Where do you work?" but my funny bones were failing me at this point.
Half an hour later, my husband arrives back, having raced back 60 miles from a stag do which was meant to be his last night of freedom (he will probably never quite forgive our son). My contractions are now very painful, I scream for pain relief. But they don't want to examine me due me being 36 weeks, risk of infection and because they don't believe I am that far yet. One of the pictures that I've got in my mind from that evening is my husband almost physically dragging a midwife to my bed (he says if it'd been a guy, he wouldn't have guaranteed non-violence). Lo and behold, 9cms.
Finally on labour ward, 2 hours of contractions, getting high on gas & air and not pushing so well (because of getting high on gas & air). Gas & Air is taken away from me (my husband had the honour to take the nozzle out of my reach... I could have punched him at this point!). Unexpectedly (by me), midwife says "Just one more contraction and head is out." Well, unfortunately, wrong assessment, because it was twooooo pushes! Apparently, I was not at my politest at this point. Then, at the next contraction, trainee midwife (a mum of three herself, so she should know better) says "This is going to sting a bit" in anticipation of head actually coming through. My husband says a I looked at her as if I was going to have her for dinner...
Altogether I look back on the whole evening with real fondness and I really laugh at all these episodes now!
Did anything funny happen during your labour (At least funny in retrospect)? Make me laugh!
Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.
Childbirth
Did anything funny happen do you during labour?
dodi1978 · 16/06/2014 20:05
Went in to be induced at 41+5 and spent the 1st night with my sister mocking the woman in the bed next me and getting me in trouble with the midwife because every time I laughed ds' heart rate would drop and machine would go nuts cue midwife running in to see me almost wetting myself, in the end she told me to silence the machine and just checked every 15/20 minutes. I know it sounds mean to be mocking a pregnant woman in hospital but she was ridiculous! I named her the beast of bodmin, she snores like a monster and when she was awake she moaned constantly (only in for monitoring she was 33wks and midwife confirmed a hypochondriac). In the morning my waters broke, called the midwife and apologized for the mess and told her I didn't know if it was my waters or I'd pissed everywhere 
During the pushing part I apparently turned to my sister in horror and said "oh my god I'm sweating!" everyone in the room just laughed at me, then ds was on his way out and I was shouting that it hurt, midwife- 'its gonna hurt your having a baby Me- it'd hurt leas if your hand wasn't up my fucking c**t!' my sisters were cracking up, I wasn't.
Had to go theatre to remove my placenta (Dr broke my cord on purpose!) when I came back up I insisted they'd left my cord hanging out, it was the catheter but nobody could tell me for laughing the bastards!
I knew my second midwife, as I work in a shop and she's a regular. I gave up on the water birth, it was too cold, ended up having first mW call second mW as "her fingers weren't long enough" (I must have a long vagina then?!) And it was that woman. Cue minor embarrassment. Gave birth with g&a, tens machine, and heat packs, and a leg on each mW. I believe one of them might have said I had to try harder whilst pushing as if I had strength shout I had strength to push.... I told the lot of them I was fucking pushing thank you its harder than you make it out to be. Turns out she was stuck at the end, and they tore me open to get her out. No, not cut, TORE. fuck me that hurt. Then announced I needed stitches, to which I believe I said no buggers touching me for at least 3 hours, I want to feed my baby first. Cue faces all round, apparently most women just do as they say...
I knew my second midwife, as I work in a shop and she's a regular. I gave up on the water birth, it was too cold, ended up having first mW call second mW as "her fingers weren't long enough" (I must have a long vagina then?!) And it was that woman. Cue minor embarrassment. Gave birth with g&a, tens machine, and heat packs, and a leg on each mW. I believe one of them might have said I had to try harder whilst pushing as if I had strength shout I had strength to push.... I told the lot of them I was fucking pushing thank you its harder than you make it out to be. Turns out she was stuck at the end, and they tore me open to get her out. No, not cut, TORE. fuck me that hurt. Then announced I needed stitches, to which I believe I said no buggers touching me for at least 3 hours, I want to feed my baby first. Cue faces all round, apparently most women just do as they say...
With DD (first labour) I was put on a drip induction and so I requested an epidural. A couple of hours later I was in a lot of pain and it transpired that the epidural drip tube had dislodged and all the epidural liquid was leaking into a puddle under the bed (which is why I was in pain!). My husband was absolutely livid with the doctor who came in to try and fix it. But I was so exhausted (v long labour) and spaced out (had di-morphine some hours prior) that I said: "It's ok, we have a fish tank at home and when I feed the fish I have to turn off the oxygen pump. Sometimes I forget to put it back on until the evening. Mistakes happen." Apparently people in the room found this to be a funny little speech by someone in the late stages of labour 
I had three MW's come to my house for an attempted home birth. Well, one of them wasn't qualified and had never actually seen a birth. She was as much help as a chocolate teapot and had a really high pitched voice.
So after a day of them sitting about listening to my ex regale them with stories of why his leg was in a cage they finally decide to send him to bed and try to get things moving with me (I can sympathise with them here - he was hogging the gas and air and talking about Madelaine Mcann and it was enough to bore the tits of a hog). So he goes off up to the attic for some shut eye. They look at me and measure me while I'm having a contraction - obviously didn't want to be there at all as one of them had said it was end of their shifts. So they said they would call me an ambulance and get me to the hospital. It was all very sudden and I was trying to explain that I didn't think baby was in distress but that I was still contracting when they were checking heart rate... Anyway my doula helped grab as much stuff as we could in 2 mins and I was bundled into an ambulance with the trainee MW. My doula was following in the car, I assumed with the other MW and ex.
Got to the hospital (not the one I had expected and was further away) and the paramedics don't actually know the code to get in. We wait outside for 15mins while they buzz the buzzer. Luckily a Polish husband comes out for a cig and lets us in
Doula arrives. She has no idea where MW's went or exp. She had thought either he had done a runner or the MW's were bringing him later. I assume he has done a runner. Slight relief and decide to just get on with it.
Trainee MW is asked to put the monitor on my tummy by the sister and has a mini breakdown as she has never done it before. She tries to reassure me that she just wants to stay so she can see a live birth. I am not particularly reassured but the gas and air is making me amicable and so I agree that she can stay. Many issues with how to get the gel out of the gel bottle later "turn it upside down and hit it like it's ketchup" and I renigate her to making tea).
Suddenly the doors are flung open and exp storms in, red as a beetroot and sweating. Suprise all around. He begins flapping his arms at me and demanding to know why I left him behind and how he had to pay £50 on a taxi and we weren't in the right hospital and all of my lights had been left on at home and the door wasn't locked.
I'm lying there
And then just laugh and laugh and laugh.
I just couldn't help it. You couldn't write this if you tried!
I then told him that if he was going to sit so close and talk so much he needed to brush his teeth 
Doula starts feeling ill. She now has a tummy bug and is trying to be discrete but we have all been awake for 3 days (apart from exp of course) and she is beginning to wane. Chocolate teapot has given up and gone home. I am still only 7cm and being pumped full of oxytocin to no avail. Eventually they decide c-section is the way to go and get in the anaesthetist. Only he has students who would like to watch so is that OK? Yup just stick me please.
Into the OT. All going quite well until I feel huge pain in my urethra every time the catheter jiggled it felt like a cactus being shoved up there! I tell the anaesthetist and he pumps me full of something else. No change and I can still feel it - reflex tells me to kick out and I say again I can feel my urethra, so I get another pump. At the kick (possibly more of a leg twitch in reality) there was a lot of murmuring 'down there' so exp says to me he is off to find out what is going on - he is ex army don't you know! I beg him not to but he has a look anyway. Returns pale as a sheet and looking very sick. At this point I start to feel faint and bloods dip so bit more activity in the room. Ex really not looking well and tries to distract me by jabbering about cars . Finlly DD is held up and bought around to us, healthy. Exp goes off to do her nappy and takes pictures of..... my placenta because apparently it was the largest they had ever seen
The whole thing was funny to me, possibly due to gas and air. My doula said the next day that she would have merrily strangled exp for me on multiple occasions over those days and was amazed I hadn't shouted at him at all - as I said, I really really loved that G&A!
During the late stage of labour, I was kneeling up, clutching on to the headboard, squealing like a stuck pig. (I was being induced, and it really, really hurt, unlike any of your labours, which just stung a bit.) In between contractions, DH decided it would be a good time to comment that my roots needed doing . When I asked him later why he thought that that was an appropriate time to mention it, he said he wanted to 'lighten the moment'. More .
I have a little 4wk old daughter, DD1, and I had an emcs after a failure to progress with an induction at 38+2.
I remember when they were putting in one of about 3 AGONISING bloody cannulas I had, they struggled to find a vein so they called an anaesthetist to give me a little local anaesthetic so the midwife could get the bloody cannula in! I had been on a bit of G&A by this point so I offered to marry the lovely young lady anaesthetist who did it for me!
However I changed my tune when she failed to site my epidural. TWICE. And had the gall to tell me to ease off on the G&A, this while she was rummaging around in my ruddy spinal column! I did, quite seriously, tell her to fuck off but the G&A mouthpiece rather muffled my growled threat. Grrr.
Best bit though was when I sort of propositioned the handsome anaesthetist who finally managed to site my epi properly. I was PROPER off my tits on the G&A by then, and he had told me to keep on huffing it if it helped me get thru the procedure. I remember his embarrassed responses when I kept saying how he was f*cking incredible and that he could come home with me if he was that good at what he did. Very good stuff that entonox...
I also asked the anaesthetist who was with me administering the drugs etc for surgery was his name Otto, having dreamed him introducing himself to a theatre nurse as such in a growly German accent...he rather quietly replied "...erm...my name is James"
Cue DH and theatre staff all pissing themselves laughing at this drugged-up mentalist on their operating table.
Also when James/Otto did the is the epidural working pokey thing with a blunt needle, poor guy had to flop my massive tits out of the way to do so. DH sniggering behind me set me off laughing nervously as I felt myself being rather roughly groped and prodded.
I'm glad I can laugh about it tbh
Dc3 was a home birth. My contractions were 6 minutes apart and I was worried that I had no biscuits for the midwives. I was Insistent that I was going to the local shop and my friend/doula was taking me. So off we went. She actually took photos of me at the cashline. In got juice and snacks had a contraction hanging over one of the displays paid for my stuff and waddled back to the cat as fast as I could before another one hit.
Got home called midwife out. She turned up and was horrible. Kept moaning about needing to get off somewhere else. She asked what I had to wrap the baby in on delivery. Pointed to a large fluffy towel bought by my mum for that very job.
Midwife: " but it's white!"
Erm yes.
"it'll get dirty, use an old one that's white"
Erm yes, yes it is but I'm using it.
And repeat until I growled that the white one was fine.
My community midwife turned up and suggested getting me out of the pool to examine me... Ooh head is just there you're ready to go. Horrible midwife" REALLY????" ME:
So back in the pool new midwife arrives and suggest g&a as I'm starting to hold my breath. Use it to make me breather. Exh asks me if I have called my oldest friend. Oh no get my phone. So 9.15am call friend tell her I'm in labour oops hold on... Cue deep breathing and cow like noises from me. Grab my phone back once that contraction has passed and tell friend I will call her when I'm dome. Both midwives and
9:31 so 16 minutes after I'm making phone calls my community midwife lifts ds2 out the water and announces well that was my first water birth and hands him to me.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I turned into a fish wife! Every other word was Fuck!
At one point the midwife told me to let go of through G&A and I told her to go fuck herself!
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.