Massive guilt over lack of skin-to-skin following birth

[u32ng]

So my DS was born nearly 6wks ago & I have been feeling so guilty & down about the fact that I didn't get much skin to skin after he was born. I swear it was less than 5mins before I felt like throwing up from the drugs & he was handed to my DH to hold. Then I was getting stitches for a 2nd degree tear so didn't hold him again for ages.

Then breastfeeding didn't work out as he had a poor latch & I thought he was getting fed but wasn't (my 5 day stay in hospital is a whole other story).

Anyway, DS seems such an unsettled thing most of the time & I swear he favours my DH over me. When I think back to the delivery I feel so sad & guilty that I didn't get that first skin to skin & wonder if it affected breastfeeding & affected how he is on some subconscious level.

And i feel like a bit of an idiot as well because I read all the pregnancy/childbirth stuff & had read how important that post-birth skin to skin is, but on the day it was like I forgot everything . Is ridiculous but I just wish I could go back in time & do it the way I would've wanted.

I'm not really sure how to get over these feelings.

[VisualiseAHorse]

Are you still expressing? Then there's no reason you can't get BF going again. It's hard, but doable. Give yourself a week to work on it. PM me if you need help.

[ZolaBuddleia]

You poor thing, please try not to worry.

I'm another one who didn't get more than 10 seconds of skin to skin, as DD was whisked off with breathing difficulties. I didn't really bond with her for about 6 weeks, but I think that was due to a traumatic birth, a shellshocked DP and being absolutely sideswiped by how difficult I was finding it.

Also DD didn't enjoy skin to skin or co-sleeping (ungrateful beastie!). We're now head over heels with each other.

[Bluemonkeyspots]

I've never had skin to skin, I remember reading a paragraph about it in the baby books but had not heard much about it till mumsnet.

Two of my three dc were taken away to be resuscitated after birth and by the time i got them back they were all wrapped up and 3rd dc arrived so quickly that i was still fully dressed and think i went into shock and forgot about it.

Will try and do it with dc4 born in a few weeks (if i remember)

[TotallyBursar]

Have you got a la leche league near you? I only say this next bit as you say you hate ff (been there) I found them staggeringly different to the rough treatment I received from the MW etc.

Honestly though get into bed & snuggle - if he will comfort suck or with a bottle - just 'be' and take some down time with your wonderful new son. Try & leave your worries at the door even though it may feel forced. Skin to skin is much nicer when you haven't had to give birth ime. He doesn't like dh more than you, it's impossible although it can feel like it.

You've just had one of the biggest culture shocks a person can go through - your body and your mind. You can take things at your pace. When you feel low it can seem a lonely & hopeless place but it isn't, get help don't feel bad alone. You can speak to your HV, GP or go and have a birth debrief to go through step by step with your notes - I did it once & found it put things in perspective as I hadnt been as aware of some things as I thought. It helped me to stop feeling guilty about things I could never change and couldn't have prevented.
I hope you can explore some support options & start to feel more you. It does perk up, honest!

[u32ng]

VisualiseAHorse - I would love to have a bath with him but we've only got a stupid shower cubicle! Would have to rock up at my folks 8 miles away to use their bath haha! Seriously though, I am disappointed I don't have that option.

Also reassured by your comment about breastfeeding after 10 weeks. I literally hate formula feeding!! I mourn the amount of time in a day me & my DH spend washing/sterilising especially as we'd have none of that if I was breastbfeeding. It makes me feel so chained to the house. Also wouldn't be up at this hr expressing!

[atrcts]

I didn't do skin to skin and my son is soooooo cuddly with me! He is secure and well adjusted in so many ways (of course he has his moments like we all do, he is human after all!!).

Sometimes I think we set out with "must have's" which are terribly disappointing if they don't come to pass. I would try to see if as "it would have been nice but we're ok anyway/we'll use other forms of bonding/it's just one of those things outside of my control...."

What happens from here is more important. Anyone can do skin to skin but not everyone can be REALLY there for their child. Play the long game.

Oh and breastfeeding issues happen to the best of us, skin on skin or not. People without skin to skin contact often breastfeed fine and people with skin to skin experience don't always manage to.

It's all good in the end - all little pieces of a huge puzzle and they're all the same size. Newborns can feel such strangers - I felt like an alien had landed and taken over, it wasn't at all what I expected! The point being it can be a time of huge turmoil and adjustment, not always a comfortable feeling and can cause a lot of anxiety and self doubt. Hang in there - your feelings will catch up with the facts, which is that there's more than one way to skin a cat and it will all be ok.

[VisualiseAHorse]

I second that he's calmer with dad because there's no lovely milk smell to enrage him. I also used to bottle feed sometimes as if I was breast-feeding, so boob out and teat of bottle alongside my own nipple.

And get some help - talk to your partner (show him your post if you find it hard to talk out loud), your health visitor and your GP. I waited 10 weeks before asking for help, turns out I was suffering PND and having psychotic episodes. PND is 'normal' - you are not weird in any way for feeling a 'failure', there are people who are there to help you. Please don't be scared to ask for help.

Feel free to PM if you want anything!

[CheeseStrawWars]

It could be that he's quieter for DH as he can't smell milk on him? Not preference for him, as such. Could you do skin to skin with a bottle to hand to slip it into his mouth when he's trying to latch on, so he doesn't get cross? Has he been checked for tongue-tie?

I had DD, then had a PPH, so they whipped her away and stuck her in a plastic tub. DH wasn't even holding her.

And then she wouldn't latch, or rather she'd latch but wasn't getting anything out so I spent 12 hours a day 'breastfeeding' and watching the weight fall off her.

Breastfeeding felt like such a failure. I thought if you try hard enough and persevere it would just work. And it didn't. So I thought it was me. (Second time round, DS fed fine, which actually made me feel better, as I did nothing different. I think DD had tongue-tie which wasn't diagnosed.)

I resented DD for making my life so hard. I felt I was in no way up to the job. I felt I was letting her down constantly. And letting down DH, for being so useless. I could actually understand why people left their babies on hospital steps. I think I may have had PND. I couldn't imagine ever bonding with her like people said, and that didn't change til around 9 months. It was like walking through treacle to get there. But I got there. And I wish I had been more honest about how I felt at the time, but the overwhelming sense of shame stopped me - I felt like a freak of nature for not instantly bonding with my child. Now, I think why didn't I just ask for help? It was there if I'd asked for it.

DD's 4 now, I love the bones of her, and she shows no signs of the early days having adversely affected her in any way. She's confident and social and loving. Do get some help though. I wish I had.

[AmandaPayne]

I haven't had much skin to skin with either of my babies. First was forceps, so whisked away for checks and wrapped up before I saw her. Second was born at home, but second stage was a bit sudden and we both got cold fast when I needed to get out the pool (stubborn placenta, not sure how much blood I was losing, yadda yadda).

Please don't feel down on yourself. These things matter far less than we think they do in our post natal exhaustion, and particularly in the shock of becoming a mum for the first time.

DD1 is totally confident and bonded (nearly 4). DD2 is a total screaming tantrum cling-on (nearly 2), but I don't think it was the skin-to-skin .

[VisualiseAHorse]

You don't have to be completely topless for skin to skin - I used to also wear a cardigan and a bra, so when lying on the couch watching rubbish telly, I could pop LO inside the cardigan and do it up over him to keep him warm and snuggly.

[VisualiseAHorse]

Oh your post nearly made me cry!

I didn't have much skin to skin after birth either. Gave birth. Held very drugged baby. Threw up. Had shower. Got dressed. Got back into bed and fell asleep for 2 hours. Got in car for 40 minute drive home. Got home. Sat and looked at baby. Seriously. I must've only held him for about 15 minutes on that first day. No wonder he lost weight! I was so drugged up from the birth and so tired I was shaking and didn't want to hold him.

Have you tried having a bath with your baby? Make sure the room is nice and warm, bath is not too hot, and someone is on hand to help you get out! When LO was tiny, we used to spend ages lying in the bath, him on my chest, curled up like a little snail, his head nestled in my boobies. In fact, having a bath is what got BF back on track for us after 10 weeks of struggling and using formula.

I also use to wear just a bra, pop him in the sling with just a nappy on, and walk around the house like that. Lying back on a chair with plenty of cushions was comfy, but walking up and down used to soothe him to sleep. Remember doing this a lot at 3am!

He is now 10.5 months old, and clings to my legs while I wash up. He follows me when I leave the room and calls out for me to come back.

[exoticfruits]

I think that with any problem ask yourself whether he will care when he is 15yrs old-if the answer is 'no' then you don't need to worry.

[u32ng]

Thanks - your comments have helped a lot.

I think I'm just finding motherhood a lot harder than I anticipated & am a bit down on myself about a lot of things. Perceived failures are seem to be so much easier to find in this frame of mind!

I will do skin to skin again soon but am a bit scared as last time it just frustrated my DS as he decided he wanted to root for the boob but when there he doesn't really want to latch on so ended in tears on both sides when it was supposed to be relaxing!

[Bakingtins]

I didn't get any skin to skin with Ds2, had a massive PPH and was taken to theatre, was unconscious most of the first day and then unable to do anything for DS because of how poorly I was. DS had some skin to skin with DH, the benefits for the baby don't depend which parent is doing it, so you can stop feeling guilty about that aspect. I did feel that DS2 was imprinted on DH (we called him Zachary Quack after the little duck in the Hairy McClary books for a while) but that was partly because DH did a lot more for him than he had for DS1 whilst I was recovering. It hasn't affected our relationship in the longer term, it didn't prevent me breastfeeding.
There is so much pressure to have everything perfect and the reality is that things go wrong that are outside your control. You can have a fantastic mother-child relationship despite that. Have you tried having a bath together? Lovely way to bond and cuddle - just have someone on hand to get slippery wet baby out safely. Or have a baby moon day and cuddle up in bed. You have years to develop that bond, all is not lost if you have a slightly rocky start. Don't entertain the guilt.

[WipsGlitter]

Same as everyone else, I had practically no skin to skin with DS2 as he was unwell. Didn't even attempt b-feeding. Are you maybe a wee bit down? Is there anyone else you can talk to?

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

Please try not to worry too much about this. DS3 wasn't even brought to me for a cuddle after my section, they whisked him off to SCBU and then sent me back into theatre to fix some bleeding from the wound.

By the time I saw him it was the next day, and by then he was all wired up in an incubator.

I did find it harder to bond with him than his twin sister, but within a couple of months I had a lovely relationship with him.

Eight years on, I am as close to him as I am to the others.

Try not to be hard on yourself.

[exoticfruits]

I would talk to someone about your feelings. All the stuff that you can read these days does such a lot of harm because it leaves mothers feeling so guilty if they don't achieve it. When your DC gets older they may throw all sorts of things at you that you got 'wrong' as a mother but I can guarantee that it won't feature not having skin to skin contact at birth! I am as close as possible to my mother- I haven't a clue whether we had skin to skin contact- it isn't relevant so I wouldn't even ask her. Have it now - plenty of time.

[EssieW]

I've been there. Didn't manage it with either of my two. I end up a shaking wreck after giving birth so wasn't actually capable of doing skin to skin. I also completely forgot I wanted to do it.

I felt awful about this after DS but fine about it after DD. I think I realised that my births don't necessarily allow me to do it. I need to lie down, stop shaking, eat and recover.

I did plenty of skin to skin afterwards.

Definitely talk to someone how you're feeling.

[KatherineKrupnik]

What everyone else said... There is actually little evidence on the benefits of skin to skin but I suspect it's not really about that. Finding someone to have a chat to would probably be beneficial, whether your HV or a helpline.

[Honeymoonmummy]

What everyone else said really. I couldn't have skin to skin with DD for first 2 hours, being stitched up and didnt think to ask and I felt really guilty about it at the time but it doesn't make any difference in the long term. Definitely do lots of skin to skin now; have duvet days, get in the bath together. It'll be fine.
P.S. DD is definitely a mummy's girl

Oh and if he's fretful it might be worth going to see a cranial osteopath, he may just have a few kinks of his own from the birth to iron out. Being born is the single most traumatic thing the human body goes through so he might just be a little out of sorts and need some very gentle manipulation to make him feel right - search cranial osteopath on MN

[brettgirl2]

I think that at the very least you need to talk to your health visitor about how you are feeling.

I didnt manage to breastfeed either of my daughters and I remember with DD1 I spent ages researching what had gone wrong, while feeling like a complete waste of space as a mother . It totally ruined the first few months of her life.

The same thing happened again with DD2 and this time I realised:

• It is ok to be upset about it and to tell people who say 'dont feel bad, I didnt bf' like I care if you breastfed to shove off.
• Guilt is a negative emotion that needs to be dropped.
• Being a mother is a lot more than skin to skin and breastfeeding, these are only 2 parts. As your baby grows there will be lots of opportunities to do other bits well (and badly)
• It is ok to not let other people feed baby if you want to do it yourself (yes with Dd2 I said no to mil)
• I didnt mixed feed because I hated it and it made me feel worse. Thats just how it was and me spiralling into despair was unlikely to be good for anyone.

I blamed the bfing first time round on pethidine. I had exactly the same probs second time without it. You didnt have skin to skin straight after birth - thats what happened and it cant be changed.