Visitors staying after PFB arrives

[Autumn12]

I'm probably totally overthinking this as I'm not due to give birth for 6 months yet, but it's worrying me a little already. I'm anticipating being exhausted and not wanting people around for too long.

None of our family live close to us but my family are only about an hour away. They can easily visit after our baby is born for an hour or two and then leave us in peace. However, my MIL lives at the other end of the country. When she visits us it's always for 3 or 4 nights at a time. If I'm honest this is too long for me at the best of times.

I'm anticipating that she will want to come and visit once this baby is born and I'm really dreading it. She lives too far to come for just the day, and the train fare is expensive hence why she ends up staying for 3 or 4 nights and not just the 2 I'd prefer.

I can't broach the subject with DH as he thinks it's far too early to be thinking about this stuff, but I really do not want her to come and stay overnight with us in the first few weeks after our baby is born. I must admit that I do find her quite irritating at times which may be part of the reason why I'm worrying about this. She doesn't get out of bed until midday, and whenever she stays expects to go out every single night for dinner and/or to the pub. This caused some problems the last time she stayed as I'm still at that exhausted stage of early pregnancy and also don't fancy sitting in a pub watching people drink. So we only went out to eat twice in 4 days and she was obviously put out by this.

Anyway i'm probably waffling now but can I ask how other Mumsnetters dealt with this sort of sitaution? Am I being unreasonable and should I just grit my teeth and have her to stay?

[CailinDana]

I think you need a more in-depth talk with him to make him realise that his first priority should be you and his new family, not his mother. Of course he should be kind to her, but when it comes to important decisions like this (especially seeing as you're the one bloody well giving birth!) what his mother wants isn't really relevant in the slightest. She will get the chance to see her GC, naturally, but she absolutely cannot dictate how it happens. It's worth having this talk now, before the baby arrives, so you're both on the same page when you're parents as it can be a source of massive stress once children are around. The way he needs to see it is not the he's pulled between you and his mother but that you and him are now a team and you're the ones making the JOINT decisions about your life. His mother has no input in that.

If he disagrees then you should ask him what the point of being married is in that case? If he's just going to please his mother and ignore your wishes then it would be better for him to move back home with her surely? -I'm not saying btw that you should suggest breaking up, I'm saying you should present this in a hypothetical way so that he can see that he doesn't actually need to "keep the women in his life happy" he just needs to behave like a husband and part of that is sharing his life with his wife, not his mother. If his mother doesn't like that, tough. It's not a mother's place to dictate how her adult children run their lives and any attempts to horn in and get her way are seriously pathetic.

Perhaps show him this thread?

[Autumn12]

Oh god know he would hit the roof if he knew I had posted this. He is very protective over his mother and would see this as further proof of my being cruel to or about her.

I think I do need to speak to him about it again. He thinks that I just don't have a good word to say about his mother, which admittedly at the moment is true. She didn't react well to news of my pregnancy and has said and done a few things to really piss both of us off. I have always found her a bit selfish and manipulative but DH has always refused to acknowledge these traits and thinks she is a sweet woman. After the last time we saw her I have not held back on my opinion. She did say a few things that were completely beyond the pale but she is still his mum and he will always think she is wonderful. Maybe I need to give it a bit more time before trying to address it again.

[CailinDana]

So is he ok with the thing she said about your pregnancy? Perhaps you could remind him of what she said and point out that it is her attitude that is stressing you?

[Autumn12]

No he isn't alright with what she said, but he is more willing to forget it and move on that I am. I think for me its just cemented what I already thought she could be like (she can be nice too she isn't all bad). Whereas for DH it went totally against what he thought his mum was like. He can be blind to her faults though.

Now we are through the scan and all is ok, she is claiming to be pleased and passing off her earlier attitude as "worry". DH is accepting this and seems to think that it's ok as she is happy now. I'm not finding it so easy to forget and move on.

[ghoulelocks]

My MIL stayed after birth, arriving one day before. It was hell, and I was OK with her staying! It was like a bad comedy with highs such as demanding to be taken shopping when 5 day old dd was re-admitted and having to wait for dh to return with the car, hosting a party on christmas eve for other local family ON THE DAY I RETURNED HOME, sulking in her room all day due to lack of attention and secretly eating in the small hours (I was up too...), cooking meals she said bf women couldn't eat and hogging kitchen, re-arranging the kitchen completely, winding up 2 yr old ds and not liking him, poking my boob as I bf to tell me it was wrong, bursting in my bedroom with big eyes if dd cried to see what I was doing to her... I could go on but you get the picture. I'd previously thought her normal. Ended up wasting kids christmas money on an early plane home

[Kiriwawa]

I'm not surprised that you are unable to move on :(

But cailin's earlier point is a good one - you two need to work together as a team. And that if anyone is unkind or difficult during your pregnancy, whether that person is his mum, your mum or your best friend, it's going to upset you and affect the way you feel about it.

And that's absolutely normal. FWIW my mother is hysterical about pregnancy weight gain (but perfectly lovely in most every other way) and I had to curtail her visits severely because she stressed me out so much. It doesn't mean I don't love her :)

[mylittlemonkey]

I have just had a similar issue with my MIL. I don't have any specific issues with her but after a few days we can get on each others nerves as many people can as we are just quite different in many ways and do a lot of things differently. She lives a way away and so would want to stay for a few days to a week at least. I have therefore told DH to tell her to come a few weeks after birth on the basis that we would love her to come and see baby and help out but if she came in the first few weeks we will be exhausted and prob spend quite a few hours of the day sleeping when the baby sleeps so it would not be much fun for her and she may end up being on her own a lot. Once we had got more settled with the baby it would be a better time for us all and would be able to spend more time with her.

You may want to explain to your DH that if MIL is going to want to be taken out then it would be better for him and her for her to come down a month or so after the birth when you will be in a better position to accommodate her. He will be as shattered as you and so will not feel like taking her out either.

Agree with the others, don't back down! if it is causing you worry now you will only be more worried about it nearer the time. Best to get it sorted now so you can relax about it and enjoy rest of your pg.

[Stepmooster]

Hi Autumn I feel for you, had a different scenario with my first born, DH wanted to keep his sports car and I wanted a family car. DH even found a baby seat that would fit in the car, and found the smallest buggy frame that would fit into the poxy boot, but the buggy bit had to go on the back seat next to the baby. Plus whoever sat in the front passenger would have to have no legroom as the babyseat in the back meant you couldnt push the seat back at all. The point is, he thought I was being unreasonable every time I nagged him about it as soon as I got pregnant. Then when I was about 7 months, I completely lost it in such a way that only a heavily pregnant woman could. I had had enough of trying to reason with him, "if you dont get rid of that car I'll know it means more to you than me or the baby!!"

Anyway when you get to 7/8 months and your MIL starts making noises about coming to stay, lay it on the line to him and dont budge one inch, if he cant put you first over his mother then there's something wrong. i bet he's just grumpy cos he knows he's got to tell his mum to back off. Take it from me, giving birth is exhausting, you may not be able to sit down for a fortnight, you'll have the midwifes and health visitor poking their noses in your down belows. You'll crave privacy. you'll have a newborn wanting to suck your boobs dry every 3 hours or more, and you want to be as relaxed as possible for that to happen. And when the baby is sleeping you'll want to curl up and sleep too. Visitors are not welcome unless they are going to clean your house, cook you meals and keep out of your way.

[Autumn12]

Well trying to talk to him again hasn't gone well.

He is now saying that he doesn't want anybody seeing the baby at all for the first month. When I said that its really my decision as I am the one giving birth and who will be not only physically recovering but doing most of the looking after of a newborn he blew up.

He seems to think that he will be doing just as much as me, and when I said newborns are all about the mum as only she can feed them he accused me of being selfish.

[CailinDana]

Oh dear he really is digging his heels in isn't he. Is he normally fairly reasonable?

[Autumn12]

He just doesn't get it. Yes he is supporting me and "putting up" with my moods etc but he isn't the one that's pregnant with all that entails. He also won't be giving birth and having to recover from that. Being by my side during labour is all very lovely but it's hardly the same as actually being the one giving birth. It seems like he thinks we are totally equal parents to this baby and that no allowances should be made for the fact that its actually me doing all the hard work.

I actually think this is maybe his way of getting back at me for saying that I don't want his mum to stay. I haven't said she can't visit just that she can't stay here. This isthe woman who when confronted with the fact that she didn't seem happy for us told DH that she wasn't very happy when she found out she was expecting him either!! That is just one example of why I'm not wild about her right now.

[mumu80]

Myself i would cut my nose of to spite my face and prebook the local b&b for yourself and new baby,then tell everyone of my plans,that you are forced out of your home with a newborn,thats just me though.
It probebly would not come to the point that you had to use it but it would get the point across,and you would have a prebooked reservation for MIL when you got your own way

[Autumn12]

There's no need for her to pay for a Hotel. She has a stepdaughter she can stay with. Her and her partner can stay there and just visit for a couple of hours.

DH won't have it though. He reckons her partner won't bring her down to stay with the stepdaughter and therefore if she can't meet the baby my family can't either. He really is being a dick. After the vile things his mum said I cannot believe that he is putting her first over his pregnant wife's wishes.

[somuchforanindiansummer]

Definitely stick to your guns re not having people stay till you are ready, but I totally disagree with your attitude of 'it's all up to me as I'm the one giving birth'. This is your joint child and you are equal parents - or should be - if you're not 'in it together' then it's a recipe for disaster AFAIC

[Autumn12]

That wasn't what I meant by that. What I meant was that while we are both going to become new parents I will be the one who has the physical recovery of the birth to go through, and I will be the one doing the breastfeeding.

Therefore, if I do not feel ready to have someone staying with us after the birth I think I should be allowed to make that call.

DH will be tired too I'm sure but essentially he won't really be doing very much during the actual birth other than sitting in a chair (do correct me if I'm wrong here!). He also won't be able to do the night feeds if I breastfeed, so it's all very well for him to feel that he will be up for having his mother stay very soon after the birth but it's not him that is going to feel a wreck.

On a positive note we seem to have reached an agreement now. He felt that his mother was being singled out unfairly as she lives further away. I nicely pointed out that her choice to live where she does is not really our problem, and that asking her to stay with another relative is actually fair as it means that she is not excluded and can visit. Equally it means that she isn't resented for staying with us when she is very much not wanted (by me at least), and that she can be sent away when it gets too much for us. He now understands as frankly his mother gets on his nerves as much as she does mine!

[GraceSpeaker]

My PiL came to visit for five days shortly after DD was born. They did all the things that make a good visitor - they cleaned the flat, cooked, looked after her while we went out to do necessary things and even offered to be on call in the night in case we couldn't sleep. Nor did they stay with us - they stayed at the local hotel across the road. Even though this sounds like an absolute dream, I still found my anxiety levels dropped massively once they'd decided to go home. I realised that I'd hardly held our DD during the day in her first week at home and had a bit of an emotional meltdown.

Stand firm. If your MIL is so irritating, then she's the worst possible person to have around after you've given birth. As others have said, you may well be in pain and definitely dealing with interrupted sleep. Glad your DH is now saying no visitors after the birth, although you definitely need to make the decision about how long for together. My DH has been an absolute godsend since our daughter was born. She didn't take to breastfeeding immediately, so we've been combination feeding. Thus, he does get up in the night to feed and change her, which stops me having to move around too much and put strain on my stitches. He holds and settles her during the day as well and is a whizz at burping her. Essentially, don't assume he'll be the secondary partner in this, even though he's not responsible for the physical production of your DC.

Good luck!

[trustissues75]

Oh dear me. Tell him to grow the fuck up. Really - flouncing out of the door muttering about having to please two women in his life at the expense of HIS happiness/wants/needs...whatever...suggest he lie next to you and have the snip (and possibly some other invasive procedure to do with his prostate or something) without local while you go through labour and then welcome guests into the house and play host to them for a few nights...when he tells you how ridiculous/unreasonable you are being raise a quizzical eyebrow until he clicks...if he has the emotional intelligence to actually click.

[EMS23]

I think you need to take a step back and a break from this conversation with your DH. It sounds like its dominated the last few days and now you're both very upset, digging your heels in and you've still got 6 months to go.

You are right to ask that MIL stay in a hotel. Stick firm but calm on that. Catastrophising and hand wringing about your recovery from labour, your vs your DH's exhaustion in the newborn stage etc.. is getting you nowhere and is no way to win this argument.
Your DH can't imagine life with a newborn because he hasn't done it yet. And neither have you so at the moment it's all guess work.

Yes, your DH is being a prima donna with his 'woe is me, I have to keep the women happy' sob story. FWIW, my family are like your MIL, so it was down to me to put my foot down after DD1 was born and refuse to have them as house guests. It was hard and my parents were a bit hurt and didn't understand. I hated dealing with that but I had to, for mine and DH'S sanity. It was more my Dad actually, my Mum was fine.
I think your DH will do the right thing when the time comes but right now, I'd give yourselves a break from it.

And you should look into the hotel already, so that when he is ready to make that decision, you can make it a lot easier for him to implement it.

[brettgirl2]

Your dh is being a dick. Tbh I couldn't have stood anyone as a house guest shortly after giving birth. All visits were short, end of. I know some people seem to find having someone to make dinner etc a help..... personally I like my privacy and space. The thought of having my mil around for 4 days brings me out in a cold sweat. She's actually quite a nice woman but the fussing gah........

YANBU, stick to your guns. Dh is just scared of having to tell her (complex mother-son relationships)

[atrcts]

I would suggest you are in the right and being MORE than reasonable!

But I would also suggest that, for your own sanity, you try to accept you may never get your DH to see you're being very reasonable.

Instead, i'd try to build your own self confidence so you can trust your own judgement to be fair and reasonable (which it is), no matter what other people think.

Easier said that done though, and I know I'd struggle with self doubt if my DH was so strong about it. But don't doubt yourself, you really are in the right here.

And amazingly, after the event, people often begin to accept (albeit begrudgingly) that you've got as much of a voice as everyone else and won't march to the beat of someone else's (unreasonable) drum!

Start as you mean to go on though, hard and lonely as it might feel.

[leniwhite]

I'm having a sort of similar worry - although in my case DP is happy for a total ban of visitors at least for two weeks unless it's very chilled friends for only an hour and my choice. DP is not an issue for me which is great!

However my Dad is already getting melodramatic because he 'hasn't seen me pregnant'?! He lives 3 hours away and when he visits he shows up at 8am and overstays his welcome until midnight. That's why I haven't let him visit whilst pregnant - i'm just too tired to cope with his endless talking rubbish. We don't have a car and as dad won't put us up we have to stay with my ILs who have a farm in the middle of nowhere, so we have to hire a car to go down (expensive when preparing for LO and tiring for me when I'm working all week). DP also dislikes seeing him because he's quite difficult so we both try and avoid it, sad, but just how it is.

I just know that after the baby comes (in 6 weeks) he's going to kick off if he can't come up immediately and stay with us.

I really think that a blanket ban on visitors for a couple of weeks is necessary for your recovery and sanity, so maybe just agree to do that; so many people told me they just didn't want anyone else around after the birth.

I hope you get it sorted I'll never understand why some family only think of what they want at times like these!

[MrsAmaretto]

leniwhite and autumn12 if I were you, I'd invite your father & mil to visit/ stay shortly & start laying down the law now, don't wait until you have a baby.

What I mean is tell your mil she can only stay 2 nights, because you are tired, and suffering and frankly that's all you can be arsed with. Don't put up with her "ways" keep saying no, it's not possible now I'm pregnant & knackered and I hope you realise there's no way it can happen with a baby. If she wants to stay it'll be under your terms.

Leni, invite your dad over at the weekend, say you can't turn up at 8am, I'm too knackered now and won't be up before 10. If he does turn up, let him in and bugger off to bed. Repeat that you are exhausted and told him you can't see any one early. Likewise in the e ending go to bed early, telling him that when he visits when you have a newborn, you'll be putting the baby first. Short visits are best.

[Littlemissmagnet]

I know this will come across as harsh but put your foot down early I know it's their grandchild but its going to be your child you need to bond and figure out what to do how to cope. Yes they'll be there directly after birth but in 2-3 months in will they be there then at 3 in the morning. I know sadly from experience.
I don't do conflict but understood in the grandparents want to support u. I ended up with my father in law turn up at delivery unit wanting in while I was pushing!!!!! ( needless to say he was not invited to do so) then my parents in spare room for the 3 nights post birth.( even though I told them in advance first night home we would like to be alone) I was so stressed by it all.
Learn from me keep dialogue open with DH he is your defence in postnatel period. Good luck with everything and stick to your instinct.

[Littlemissmagnet]

P.s. don't worry about offending they will get over it looking back I think I would have fared a million times better if I had. Due on Thursday again now and they are all aware (got DH to tell everyone) i am a coward still they are not coming as I need some time to recover this time. They took it well.

[MyDarlingClementine]

when emotions are running high after a birth and you are filled with hormones, having someone who doesnt respect boundaries is the last thing you want around. HOw does your DH know you arnt going to be in hospital for a few days? You may be physcially damaged?
I don't want to scare you - but it happens!
Of course its down to you who you want around - in the immediate aftermath, you will have carried the immedite burden of pain etc literally!

another way round it is - " dear MIL, thanks so much for your kind selfless offer to come down for the birth, however Dh only has a short paternity leave i was wondering if you delayed your visit slightly, so you could help more when he isnt here.."

I do feel for you - it doesnt sound as if your DH really knows whats coming yet. Try and get him to some birth classes if you can!