Terrified, no, PETRIFIED of giving birth

[KLou111]

Hi all, I am 28+1 with my first child and I am absolutely scared to death of giving birth!! My mum is a retired MW and haven't discussed it with her as I know what she'll say 'oh you'll be fine' etc etc as will my MW.
I am scared of the pain, the before's and after's, I am scared of tearing, baby getting stuck etc.
I could quite happily be put to sleep how I feel at the moment.
Am I just being silly?? I know it's different for everyone, but if I could skip from pregnancy to baby being here without the bit in between I would be quite happy!!
Have heard bad things about an epidural so am not too keen TBH.
I would like a water birth as I've heard they are the best for the pain.
Any advice greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance xxx

[birdofthenorth]

I was also terrified. Really terrified. And also quite ashamed of being terrified. And in denial that I was terrified! At one stage DD was breech & it looked like a section was necessary & I was secretly delighted! Then she turned round & everyone was relieved -except me!

Then during actual labour I think the whole thing took much longer than it could have (28 hours) because I just didn't believe I could get her out- & tbh I'm not even sure I wanted to at that stage, I just wanted to be euthanised!!

Anyway, in the end, one episiotomy and a couple more big pushes later, my huge 9'6" girl was born & it turned out it wasn't impossible after all. I won't lie, it hurt a lot, especially the crowning & the episiotomy (which hopefully you won't need if your bubba is less huge than mine!). But next time I honestly don't think I'll be terrified because I know it IS possible, & no more than afterwards I'll be back to normal.

You are already doing better than me by admitting you are terrified! When it starts just remember it IS possible, it's normal, there's no right or wrong way to do it, just go with what feels best & honestly, honestly, the day or two it takes will pale into insignificance really really quickly!

And afterwards you'll feel more proud of yourself than for anything you've ever done before. And the baby will be so gorgeous & so bloody demanding you won't have much time to think about it afterwards!!

[YummyMummy19]

Hi, firstly don't listen to anyone's horror stories they are completely unhelpful and are in no way an indication of what your experience may be. Second, read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin and Birth Skills by Juju Sundin. They are both amazingly positive books on pregnancy and childbirth. Ina May's book starts with a stories from women who had a good birth experience - a completely different depiction to the images in tv dramas and films! It's natural to be nervous or even frightened of what lies ahead and nobody can predict how your birth will go as everyone's experience is different but don't assume you will have a terrible time. I'm expecting my second in three weeks and I'm starting to worry a bit even though I've done it before. I'm just trying to stay positive and hoping for the best. I've written a birth plan and have read the books above to help get my head in a positive place. Going to antenatal classes and having a tour of where you plan to give birth closer to the time might also help alleviate your fears. Knowledge is power when it comes to childbirth - get to know what your body is doing during pregnancy and what the process of labour involves. I also recommend the Baby Centre app for iPhone if you have one. Incidentally I don't find my midwife helpful at all - anytime I ask her a question or raise a concern she just dismisses it with a vague response. I've stopped trying now and find my answers elsewhere!

[Wigeon]

NCIStony I found the pushing / crowning / actual birth bit definitely wasn't the worst bit in both my labours - in fact it was a lot easier to cope with because the end was in sight! And I pushed for an hour and a half for my first labour and 40 mins for my second, so it wasn't as if the babies just plopped out. And crowning even wasn't the awful "ring of fire" which some people experience. I think you just have to be as prepared as you can be (eg by reading up on how to cope, and what kind of pain relief you might consider, from breathing to pethidine), and it might not actually be as bad as you think.

[porpoisefull]

Another vote for the Birth Skills book - I found it incredibly helpful and practical and also non-judgey about interventions if they are needed. I also found antenatal classes helpful.

My biggest fear beforehand was being out of control and scared, which didn't happen. I wouldn't say I enjoyed my labour - it's not the most fun way of spending a day - but I was lucky enough to have a relatively short one. I was in a birthing pool and was so 'focused' (mainly on making loud noises) I forgot to ask for gas and air so somehow ended up doing the whole thing drug free.

There are drugs available if you need them and even more importantly, if there are any complications there will be medical help to get the baby out safely.

I don't actually think the human body is well designed for childbirth, compared to other mammals, but then it's also very badly designed for running marathons. People do that and they don't even get a baby at the end of it!

Oh and tearing sounds gruesome, but I tore and found in practice by that point the baby was out and I couldn't care less whether I had to have my nethers stitched up (also was given gas and air then and got quite high on it).

[melrose]

HI OP, you are perfectly normal to be scared, I certainly was first time round. I can truely say that preparing well for teh birth can make a huge differemce though and that brth can be an amazing experience!

Read some positive birth stories online. Remember that the MAJORITY of births are normal and require little medical intervention. So many people are obsessed with telling you their birth horror stories, I suggest ignoring them!! I truely believe that the better prepared you are mentally, the better your experience will be.

I was very unprepared for my first, had done little research and did not have the best experience. Second time round I opted for a home birth and did lots of reading and research first - I felt better prepared, believed that I was capable of having a good birth and had a far better experience (not just because it was a home birth, I think the experience would have been just as good in hospital)

I recommend reading Stand and Deliver - lots of factual positive stories, really helped me to feel empowered, also "Gentle birth, Gentle mother" by Sarah Buckley whch i am reading at the moment and is really helpful

I am 36 weeks with no.3 and have just done a hypnobirthing course, I was sceptical at first, but have found it really helpful in preparing for what is ahead. Lots of good relaxation techniques to practice. I have no idea if they will work on teh day but they are certainly not doing any harm.

The most useful thing I learnt was about the fact that the more frightened we are, the more our body (inc our uterus etc) tenses up. This tension in our muscles makes birth far harder and the tension leads to increased pain. Therefore the more relaxed we are the better the birth should be. As animals we are programmed to not give birth easily if we are in danger (ie frightened) there is a lot of info online about it and it made a lot of sense to me.

Remember to be positive, you can do this, and at the end of it you get to meet your beautiful baby, the best feeling in the world!

[Junebugjr]

I had a VBAC nearly 3 weeks ago, after having a section first time around. Truthfully, nearer the end of my pregnancy I would have prefered a section birth, as I was so petrified of a baby coming out of a very small space, and all the crowning, tearing business.

Much to my surprise, I found the pushing, crowning bit far easier than the contractions part, and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, I can't even say it was painful. I did have a little tear, but have had no trouble with it, and was painfree after 2 days. My body is back to normal too 3 weeks on, whereas after my section, it took about 3 months.

By the end you maybe so fed up, you'll be looking forward to the first contraction!

Good luck NCIS, honestly it's not that bad. X

[Cyclebump]

I found some of the fear went as soon as I went into labour, I think it was because the anticipation was over,

Good luck NCIS xx

[NCIStony]

I just joined Mumsnet today, and I'm glad I did, this thread is just what I was looking for!! I'm also petrified (almost to the point of feeling depressed) about the birth, not so much the pain, but the pushing and crowning and actual birth bit, to the point where I keep hoping the baby is breech or something so I would have to have a C-section. I have also found that most MWs and Drs just say "you'll be fine". Rationally, I know that, but it doesn't help with the panic attacks in the middle of the night! I have done the hypnobirthing course, and I really have found that to be helpful, especially the birth affirmations CD. I'm due in 2 weeks, so am hoping this will really help.

[BagofHolly]

Another vote for ELCS here. Utterly pain free, wonderful, calm experience. Loved it so much I did it twice.

[WoTmania]

I read 'New Active Birth' by Janet Balaskas and 'Childbirth Without Fear' by Grantley Dick-Read which were both enormously helpful.
FWIW my experiences of birht were positive. I love childbirth and would just keep on having babies if DH was willing (he's not :()

[firstforthought]

Because you are so scared you might find that its not that bad. People who think its going to be a breeze tend to feel it more iykwim. You will feel pain then brace yourself as you know there is more to come.

[Cyclebump]

I think most people are scared, it's a major event and you don't know really how you'll handle it.

I gave birth to DC1 on 5 April and I went in with an open attitude towards pain relief and prepped DP and my mum on the things I really wanted to avoid. I found my flexibility meant I was under no pressure and my birth partners knew exactly what I wanted and could fight my corner.

For example, I got in a warm bath when labouring at home but it didn't help with the pain so I decided not to ask for the pool that I'd thought I'd want. Stirrups were suggested and DP and my mum both explained calmly to the mw's that I shouldn't have them as I have a hip problem, I would have shouted and got irrational.

I'd already thought about all the options and researched it all and it really helped when it came to the big day as I could make informed decisions and adapt my choices to how my body and I reacted.

I had a fantastic experience and it was nowhere near what I thought it would be. Good luck x x

[Wigeon]

Another vote for reading Birth Skills by Juju Sundin and like PipCarrier I didn't read it before I had DD1 but wish I had - read it before having DD2 (three weeks ago!) and found it really really useful. Not only is it full of very encouraging stuff about how your body CAN get through labour, it has loads and loads of practical pain management techniques and also is completely honest about how some women don't end up having a "natural" birth for all sorts of reasons, and that's ok too. But the pain management techniques might still help you. I used several of the ideas in this book during my second labour.

[Happypapa]

ps DON'T WATCH OBEM! They only use the ones that will be the most 'entertaining'. They're INCREDIBLY irresponsible.

[Happypapa]

Poor thing! My wife was also terrified and we went on a private hypnobirthing course which was AMAZING. By the end of it, not only was my wife no longer scared, she couldn't wait to get started! She's naturally a real worrier and panicker and she ended up having the baby at home in a pool with no pain relief at all! It was a great victory! I HIGHLY recommend it. Part of the process is 'fear release' hypnosis which really works. You won't need it but, good luck. You'll Be AMAZING!! Remember that you're body is absolutely, perfectly equipped to birth a bubba in a way that is safe for both of you and stress free!

[KLou111]

Had 28 week appointment today (am 28+5), anaemia bloods done, measured, listened to HB, and felt for positioning. All OK but baby breech
Had a right laugh with the MW and another lady who is MW training. Were talking about the birth as telling them am terrified, and she was telling DH and I some stories about some births recently, was hilarious! Actually made me feel so much better about it all. But she did say DO NOT WATCH OBEM!! She said a lot is all played up for the cameras, and everyone is different, so don't use it a guide.
Have 4 classes starting end of June although she said we can go to a place about 40 mins away that you can do the whole lot in a day so hopefully that will help a lot too.
Thanks everyone for their advice :)

[LoveBeingAbleToNamechange]

Lune completly agree, you don't get any medalscfor going through pain. Even the top bloke said he'd have one if he were a woman when he did a web chat.

[lynehamrose]

If you really are petrified of the pain, and your main concern is avoiding the pain, then why not go for epidural? I had an epidural with my dcs, and it really does take the pain away, and is instant. Personally I would have liked to have managed childbirth without one, so I did hang on as long as I could second time round, and got to 6 cm but then was really not coping so had one. But if experiencing a natural birth isn;t high on your list of priorities, then there's a lot to be said for just deciding on the epidural route

[Mummy2bx]

Im 28 weeks and feel the same as you! My friend Ali made me laugh, although she was totally serious, when she discribed both her births as, and i quote, "Intense orgasms!" Heres hoping hey!

[LoveBeingAbleToNamechange]

Op everything you are saying is still exactly as I felt. It is the fear of the unknown. Turtles has used my favourite saying, especially with childbirth, knowledge is power! Make a list and find out about everything. Don't leave any stone unturned, be prepared and have choices by knowing what happens when and what could happen. Use and abuse mn, start a different thread each week and find out snout that thing completely.

you can do this

[TurtlesAreRetroRight]

There is a good chance that your body knows how to do this. And if this isn't the case, there are people who are trained to help you through it. They know what they are doing.

I found that a lot of my fear was to do with control. I just couldn't make any decisions about anything or think positively as I had no idea what was going to happen. In the end the only thing to do was to think what I'd like to happen and how I'd manage things and then spend some serious time thinking about what would happen if any eventuality arose. What I would/wouldn't want, which drugs were possibilities, what I wanted after dd was here and how to achieve that in each situation (even with a cs- which is what I ended up with- you can have skin to skin and your birth partner can cut the cord etc).

Knowledge is power. And I sometimes think that all this worry now brings about a strange sort of calm nearer the time. You do start to accept it is going to happen and a sort of determination comes out of it.

[KLou111]

Thank you all sooooooo much for your advice.
I will definitely talk to my MW when I next see her (my mum's away for a few weeks now).
And I will def look into those books.

I can't really get to one conclusion of what is actually scaring me. I think it is just everything from being in pain, to not being able to push out the baby, and just generally cracking up in labour! I am scared if I am given an epi and it goes wrong, having a c-section and it doesn't heal or I won't be able to tend to baby afterwards etc.
DH has been great and said everything will be fine etc etc, and I am 'looking forward' in a way to the labour coming, but only because I want our beautiful baby here, and am so excited about that esp as we saw him/her on a 4d scan last Saturday :)

Some people say the whole experience is almost orgasmic, and I know I will be very proud of myself once it is over, I guess I am just thinking too much about it and should really just 'go with it' but I've never had pain if that makes sense ie I've never been in hospital or broken a bone or anything, and the thought that I know it's coming just fills me with dread!

[maxbear]

Talk to your mum, I bet she will help you a lot. Talk to your midwife, if she realises how scared you are then she might be able to refer you on to a counsellor who could help.

I wouldn't ask for an elective section unless it is a severe problem and you feel like it is affecting your life all the time. Definately try counselling first. If everyone who was scared of giving birth asked for a section then the section rate would be about 90%.

I have had 3 waterbirths and can definately recommend them.

It is totally normal to be scared of doing something that is likened to shitting a melon