Blackmailed by autistic teen

[Toadcatcher]

I am a single mum with an autistic teen - 18 and at uni. She is super bright and coping well at uni generally. She is clever about situations to avoid and places not to go to and navigates life well with round the clock support from me either when she is at home or through face time and texts etc.
She is at home 50% of the time and then attends lectures online. She is A*.
I have to work long hours and I am the only provider with 2 students.
I try to do as much as I can for her whilst also trying to educate her to be more independent because I am not going to live forever and at some point she will have to deal with practicalities. This is just not working. I am happy to care for her, pay for her and even put up with her bad behaviour towards the family, but sometimes this is really getting to me and I feel I can’t take it anymore. She is not listening to anything I say and then is accusing me of things she is making up. There is nothing I can do about it. I can just hope it blows over. My greatest fear is that she will call on her abusive father in those moments and then once she is is his clutches, she won’t be able to untangle herself and I can’t reach her anymore. She is indirectly blackmailing me with this and this has been used against me as long as I can remember.

What sort of things do you want her to start doing first herself?

It might be worth going somewhere neutral with her and talk through the things that you currently support her with and which one you both agree could be the first one that she starts to do.

Does she get PIP and DSA too?

She has the best intentions but simply forgets. I am thinking of starting to write a guide with practical instructions for her to refer to.

Does she have inattentive ADHD as well as ASD?

We don’t know that. She only sees what is in front of her, literally.

Omg, @Toadcatcher , just saw your post. She sounds so much like my daughter! We just had a very difficult evening only because something I said just to express my perspective. She went completely mad and went on and on at me despite I apologised multiple times (for no reasons) simply because she misunderstood what I had said! I m constantly walking on eggshells yet have to support her in every way. I don’t know how long I can cope with our relationship any more.

Hope you re better now. 💐

@Toadcatcher the things youre annoyed at her about are traits of her autism, only seeing what's in front of her, forgetting chores etc is all par for the course

Break chores down for her use the goblin tools website which is useful and print them out so she can be independent.

My daughter is younger, exceptionally gifted academically but her autism comes out in the seemingly basic tasks which because of her academic ability you would expect her to do easily but she simply can't and its those basic things she needs help with. I'm surprised it's something you haven't don't before really instead of just getting annoyed with her. It's the equivalent of expecting a person in a wheel chair to get up and walk up some stairs or a hearing impaired person to suddenly respond to your spoken request.

Completely acknowledge this and there is no way I would allow myself to get openly annoyed - I was really just venting and very worried after a long and difficult episode.

@Singleandproud I believe you are missing the point.

I think you need to seek specialist help re the lying and blackmail. Tolerating this is not going to teach her how to survive in the real world. It’s abusive behaviour and it’s illegal. She needs to understand consequences.

This is what I am trying to figure out in a way that makes sense to her.