Employee support while child has MH issues?

[JellyDrops]

I don't know what I'm expecting here but my office days have increased since I started my Hybrid job 2 years ago. My y5 child has anxiety around school and sleep, we are back to the GP soon for a second go of the referral system for children's MH.

DC is scared of elements of school, firedrills, lockdown practice, even just reading texts that are scary or doing a topic like the Black Death will have DC unable to sleep and not wanting to go to school. DC cried for an hour as was so frightened by Black Death lesson was afraid to sleep even in the same room as me with a TV on - these thoughts come at bedtime and we call them Sticky Thoughts.

Because of this, DC refuses (as much as a y5 can) to go to any wraparound childcare and just wants to be in the safety of family and friends. DC is happy to play at friends houses so will leave me on THEIR terms so I don't how much I am being 'played?!

My manager is aware of some of the issues but probably doesn't realise the day to day strain this puts on me for sorting childcare and getting to work and has suggested I sort more fixed and regular childcare when I mentioned family support is limited. Our employer wants us in more days now and family cannot meet the demand. DC doesn't want to go to breakfast club and I feel I shouldn't force it but I may need to. DC isn't open to childminders either even though one lives opposite me.

I don't want to approach my boss about the difficulties and look as though I am making excuses to reduce my office days or hours. I was an anxious child so am very empathetic to my DC which may not help! .

Any advice? DH has very strict work hours leaving the house long before me whereas mine has been the reasonably flexible role but as commute can be 2 hours for me, I can't really expect my workplace to allow my office days to start at 11am.

In a perfect world I'd drop DC at breakfast club and get on with my days work. It would solve a lot of problems but I worry will compound DCs school anxiety further.

What would you do? I've been clinging to the hope of DC growing out of it all, I'm so sad to see the anxiety, I worry it was passed on genetically as there has been no seperation or major life events that would have caused it.

On the plus side, DC presents as a high achiever, socialises well and is confident in so many other ways which is a blessing. Just wish I could remove the fear!

[spearthatbroc]

DC is happy to play at friends houses so will leave me on THEIR terms so I don't how much I am being 'played?!

🤔 i suspect… a great deal.

[Greekrunner]

I've worked with anxious school refusers. Unfortunately, they do all most all have highly anxious parents.

As far as your work is concerned, I'd hope an employer would be sympathetic where they can and not insist on office working unnecessarily, but you'll need to talk to them to know that. That said, ultimately, you need to be a available to do the job you're employed to do and if you can't make that work, you'll have to move on.

Hopefully, it won't come to that, start by talking to your employer.

[spearthatbroc]

Has he ever been to breakfast club or if he just assuming he won’t like

[spearthatbroc]

I've worked with anxious school refusers. Unfortunately, they do all most all have highly anxious parents. 

This. I would wager he’s running rings around you because he does not want to go to BC or CM

[spearthatbroc]

“we all have to sometimes do things we’re not keen on in life, snd i know you don’t want to go to Breakfast club, but we’re going to give it a try because otherwise it’s going to seriously impact mum’s job!”

[SameOldSong]

I don't agree with the school refusers having anxious parents, maybe some, not all. I think having a child suffer with school refusal, which isn't a choice by the way, makes parents extremely anxious. Especially with so little understanding and support. No parent wants their child out of school.

[Dorriethelittlewitch]

All the things you list are quite frightening things (fire/plague etc) and I think there is definitely a stage when most children realise that the world is a scary place. For me it was the realisation that my dad looking under the car every morning for bombs was not a game. For my eldest (8), it was the invasion of Ukraine.

If they made a new friend, would they go to their house? I mean is it the friends houses are deemed safe because they fall into the familiar category? If they're happy to go to a new friends house, I'd probably be less tolerant re child care. Is the Breakfast club at school?

[SayBaby]

This sounds very stressful. I don't have any advice on the work front I'm afraid.

What I would say is start making your own investigations into private therapy/assessment for your child's MH issues. NHS/gov funded services for MH help range from non existent to worthless. You'll likely end up on a years long waiting list for completely insufficient and ineffective help.

[LushFloral]

Is there any ND in the mix do you think? This might be worth considering now in case this anxiety is not a phase.

What flexibility could you show in other areas to trade off with your employer on this? Can you get ACAS or union advice? Employers do need to be careful discriminating against employees requesting flexibility on childcare grounds, because employers mustn’t discriminate under the Equality Act.

[ScentOfSawdust]

I think you’re going to have to speak to your employer. You can obviously do your job wfh as you have been previously, so it’s not a matter of “not being able to do the job you were employed to do”.

You need to discuss reasonable adjustments on caring grounds, and get those adjustments set out in a carers passport. Do involve the union, if you’re a member, and if not do consider joining. I hope your employer is as sympathetic as mine has been.

And I don’t know what discussions you’ve had with the school, but do speak to them about what they can put in place. I would have thought they could send you outline lesson plans in advance so you can work with your child ahead of some of the more distressing topics to mitigate their impact.

[TeenDivided]

@SameOldSong

I don't agree with the school refusers having anxious parents, maybe some, not all. I think having a child suffer with school refusal, which isn't a choice by the way, makes parents extremely anxious. Especially with so little understanding and support. No parent wants their child out of school.

I agree with this.
People who know me via DD2 might think I am highly anxious, but those who know me via DD1 wouldn't. I worry about DD2 because of her issues, she doesn't have issues because I worry.