Emigrating father of a 10 year old boy

[Sid10]

I'm 53 and in 2017 separated from my wife, and consequently our children (now 16,14,9). In 2021 we divorced. I've never got over the trauma, i remain single and collecting the children 3 times a week from the family home is like going to my own funeral over and again. I say this not to appeal for sympathy but to paint the picture.

I've been offered a job and chance to start a new life in Florida in 2023. My teenage children would be accepting but my youngest devastated. However, I've experienced such lows that suicide has been a very real proposition on two occasions since 2015 and I'd sooner they had a distant Dad than no Dad at all. I'm confident the suicidal tendencies won't return since time's a good healer but they still have something of a hollow shell of a father these days.

My thoughts are that in a perfect world I could cope with the status quo sufficiently to stay local till they've all left home (their mum's) but I'm just not able to do this anymore and would like something of a life myself, selfish perhaps but necessary if I'm to be a good father in coming decades. Also,
I feel I'd be opening potential new horizons for them in terms of studying or living in the US themselves one day or holidaying as regular as possible.

Has anyone here done what I plan to do and how did it work out please? Also, what steps are best advised when a) breaking the news and b) living the move out.

[Velvian]

You don't seem to have reflected on or dealt with reasons your marriage ended. You write like it is something that just happened to you.

I think it would be a bad parenting decision and can't see how it would be otherwise. Make the choice to go if you want to, but don't frame it as 'deserving' to go or 'needing' to go. You may find that you end up repeating same behaviours and dwelling on the past over there too.

[PollyPaintsFlowers]

I'm sure it's the best thing for you and your children to live thousands of miles apart 🙄

If you're as miserable as you say you are, how is making it much harder to see your children going to help?

Sounds like life is hard, you're miserable and an adventure sounds enticing so you're looking for excuses so it somehow 'benefits' your children at some point down the line

[HobnobsChoice]

So it's hard for you to see the children 3 times a week and not live with them but living 1000s of miles away when you'd see them every few months at most would be better for you.
Is there no job in this country you could take. My dad lived in London and I lived in the North West as a kid and while I didn't see him every other weekend I could see him every three weeks and spend time there every school holiday. That was hard but I did see him regularly and there was no time difference to contend with for phone calls etc
As a child of divorce I think I would have felt very abandoned if my dad had moved to a different Continent even if on the basis that I could go on holiday to see him. As an adult if that justification thay you did it so you didnt kill yourself was offered as explanation I would feel emotionally manipulated. You're a parent you don't get to be selfish in the same way a single person with no kids

[StarboysMum]

@Sid10 I'm sorry to read about your trauma and the impact on your mental health. I haven't done what you plan to so I can't answer your questions.

I can understand why you feel the need for a fresh start, but Florida is a very long way away (I'm assuming you are in the UK). It does look to me like you're abandoning your parental responsibility, and I can't believe any of your DCs will take this well if you're currently seeing them three times a week, so very involved in their lives.

How do you intend to maintain your relationship with your children if you emigrate? Have you discussed the possible move with your exW?

There might be other ways of making changes to your life that will have a positive impact on your health that don't involve such drastic action. What is it about Florida and this job that you think will help you?

[StarboysMum]

Also, is there any way to avoid collecting your DCs from where I presume you used to live, as this is upsetting you? Could DW meet you somewhere neutral, bring them to yours or could the kids get to yours by public transport?

[nocoolnamesleft]

It is unlikely that your relationship with your children would recover from you moving away to another continent.

[BEAM123]

I think you are running away so you don't have to go to the old family house. No judgment, I have moved many times myself until I realised I was running and any difficulties would run with me.
I don't think moving to another country and having to start over with no friends and your kids not being around will help you. Your kids will feel abandoned and even if the teens seem accepting, deep down they may well feel like you have just fucked off on them.
From people I know who have lived in Florida it doesn't sound like a friendly place, but quite a shallow one.
Honestly I think you'd be better arranging a different pick up for your kids that doesn't involve you going to the house. Can your ex drop them off? Can a friend or relative do the lick up and drop off? Have you had therapy and have you tried anti depressants?
It's been a few years and the worst is over, it will get better.
If you must go, can you just go for a year? Have the adventure, clear your head and then come back and resume life.

[BEAM123]

*pick up ^

[pinkorchid1]

You basically need to choose between a new life for yourself, or continuing a relationship with your children. If you move away your relationships with them will never recover.
My dad moved away (not to another continent) when I was around 10, and I rarely saw him after that. He moved back close to me when I was 18 and expected to just slot back into my life. I resented that as I didn't really know him and had my own life by then. This dynamic continued for the rest of his life with him being upset that we didn't make enough time for him and that he was lonely. Unfortunately, because he made the choice to abandon me and my siblings when we were young he never really had a leg to stand on.

[crosstalk]

I'm in two minds on this as obviously you are. You are 53 and have the offer of a new job abroad. In 7 years time when your youngest is 16 you will be less employable so I can see the pull to do it now while you can. But have you also looked at the costs for eg housing, healthcare, insurance? Would you be able/pay/take time off to bring your kids over for holidays given holidays are shorter in the US (though more public holidays - but a long w/e isn't the same for long holidays) and they might not want to come. Kids would also be dependent on you for transport. And there's Florida and Florida. Can you not find as PP have said another job closer to your children and still get the break you need?

You haven't stated what the arrangements between you and your xwife are. She seems to have the matrimonial home and will do for the next 9 years. Does she work? does she depend on you for support with childcare or is this just the only way you can see your children? Do you have anyone you can discuss this with apart from Mumsnet? are you seeking help for your depression? Can you talk to exwife about this - eg wanting to make a fresh start, how it will impact on the children?

[ElfinsMum]

We are an expat family. It is exciting but also tough, really tough. If you are already struggling with pretty bad mental health, please do not underestimate how hard leaving your kids and moving away to a new country all by yourself could be.

Also, we live in Aus and on almost every flight home, I spot kids who are flying as unaccompanied minors because their family has ended up split across the globe. It looks horrible for them tbh.

[Milojord25]

For what it’s worth, I’d like to add my personal experience to this thread, although I’m not sure if anyone will read it now!

I'm a co parenting, “part time” dad. As a short backstory, as a teen all I wanted to do was travel and settle somewhere else. At 22 I finally got the opportunity, i was in a v toxic new relationship, I invited my partner to travel Australia and my partner got caught pregnant whilst we were travelling. (She was on the pill, but didn’t take it/ran out. I’m unsure). Before we had the discussion, her mum had bought her nappies and a dummy back in the uk, so we were keeping the baby. Being naive and 22, I didn’t really have time to think. I didn’t know what to do, so we came home. I chose to return to studies when our child was born. We separated when he turned 9 months old, up until 2022, I lived within 20 minutes of him. During that time, I was manipulated, depressed, communications was and still is diabolical (I make all effort), treated like a baby sitter and never got included on decisions on his life. I have been to solicitors and mediation 3 times and it doesn’t work. I decided to move to the south coast of England and oh boy, did I get the rhetorics thats been repeated in some of these comments, EVEN THOUGH I travel to see him once a month and have him for half of school holidays. It’s always been my dream to move to Canada and start a family there, it’s what I wanted to do for my child who is nearly 8. I feel immense guilt for wanting to leave, and I want to give him more opportunity and prospects in life. These aren’t justifications for me being selfish as some of the comments have been implied here, but because my personal view is the UK is a terrible and declining country to be raised in. If he were still with me, we would be going.

so now I’m faced with the same problem as the post author, except, I’m held back by a situation where I’m the bad guy if I leave, and I’m depressed and insignificant in my child’s life if I stay.

i think mums have it easy when it comes to decisiveness on the child, upbringing and life. they can make decisions and action them and dads don’t really have much of a fight, but if a dad makes a decision for his life, he’s selfish. It’s been 8 years longer than I wanted to be stuck in the uk and I don’t know how much longer I have to wait before it becomes “acceptable”. But I want my child to experience a different country, a different way of life and have independence and support to travel.