14 year old DD with social anxiety refusing to attend school

[Kateandjess2007]

Hi all :)
First time poster here but looking for some advice / support.
I have an amazing 14 year old DD who is really struggling with social anxiety. She has always been a worrier, ever since she was little, but over the years this has gotten steadily worse. The change wasn't really noticeable at first, but over the past 6 months she has had various days where she has felt completely overwhelmed and unable to attend school and she has gradually stopped hanging out with friends and extended family outside of school. Since the end of the Christmas school holidays, she has been unable to attend school at all, apart from on two days, one of which she ended up having an anxiety attack at school.
Her anxiety is not due to her being bullied and she doesn't struggle academically. She just gets anxiety in any social situation, and obviously at school, there are hundreds of other children around her all day. She also struggles with acne so her self confidence and self esteem is also affected by that.
I have already spoken to our GP (they would only offer a telephone appointment rather than face to face due to COVID restrictions) who confirmed that she had social anxiety and would benefit from counselling. I have sent off our referral to the counselling services, which has been approved, and we're now on the waiting list for an appointment.
I have also arranged for her to see a private dermatologist (as the NHS waiting list was almost a year) to start on more treatment for her acne, as everything she has tried so far has had little to no effect. I know it won't cure her mental health issues but I know it would be a massive boost to her self confidence to have her acne under control.
I have kept the school updated regarding all of this and have stressed that my daughter isn't avoiding school because she doesn't 'want' to go, it's because she feels she 'can't' go in. I have requested work to be set at home (facilities are already in place due to when they were working from home during COVID) and have suggested a reduced timetable to ease her back into school once she has started her counselling and is feeling more able to cope.
School were understanding at first but she's now been off for almost a week and they are pressuring her to go back in already. They've told me that the days she has had off due to anxiety are classed as unauthorised as they only authorise days off for illnesses or injuries, which they obviously don't class mental health as. They also said that they would not set work to do at home due to the absence being unauthorised. The only help they could offer was going to see the school counsellor, but she would have to be in school for that to happen. They also said they could refer us for family support, but the waiting list is 16 weeks at the moment. They've said if she has much more unauthorised absence from school, they would have to get the school welfare officers involved
Just feel completely stuck between a rock and a hard place. My daughter is struggling and everyone agrees that she needs help, but no help is available, just waiting lists and more waiting lists. And in the meantime it seems that she's just expected to carry on as if nothing was happening, without learning why she feels the way she does or learning any coping mechanisms to help with the anxiety.
We're super close and she talks to me about her feelings, I just wish I could wave a magic wand and take away all the pain for her.
I'll never force her into school as I believe that will have nothing but a detrimental effect on her mental health if she feels unable to cope. She's always had good attendance at school before her anxiety took hold.
Not sure what to expect if the welfare officer gets involved? I can't understand how she can be penalised when mental health issues are an illness and I suggested a plan of action which the school have rejected. Surely they have a duty of care too?
Has anyone been in a similar position? Thank you :)

[Frlrlrubert]

The way mental health absence issues are treated in schools is appalling. Unfortunately the school is also between a rock and a hard place, their attendance rules aren't set by them - and they're taken into account for things like Ofsted inspections.

It's ridiculous that an adult can be issued a fit note for something like anxiety but a teenager gets 'unauthorised absence' and a whole load of additional stress.

Could you/she reach out to her individual teachers via email? They possibly won't have time to properly set work for her, but they can probably give her the topic/book/concept they are doing in class and suggest some resources she can access like BBC Bitesize?

[Neolara]

I think the longer she is off, the harder it will be to get her back into school. I would be working with the school to get her back in, even if it's only for a short time each day. For example, is there somewhere she can go with a friend during break or lunch times so she doesn't have to face everyone. It could take months for the counselling to come through.

[Kateandjess2007]

I couldn't agree more @frlrlrubert, I just feel like if she was given some support and time to learn methods to cope with the anxiety, she'd be happy to go into school. She desperately wants to get back to normal but it all just seems overwhelming at the moment and the pressure to return to school before she's ready is just making it worse.
I encourage her to do productive things during the day, like doing some exercise, she's learning to play the guitar and she does bits of learning off her own back, she does french work on an app she downloaded and she has some general maths / English work on her school laptop which she works through, but it's all stuff that she's doing herself, none of it is from school.
I'll definitely try emailing some of her teachers and see if they can help, thank you :)

[PermanentTemporary]

Could the school counsellor see her remotely? I'd have to ask why not, if that couldn't happen. It surely must be a top priority to see children who need counselling but aren't in school?

[Kateandjess2007]

Thanks @Neolara, yes I do agree with you, I just don't know how she's supposed to cope and deal with her anxiety when she doesn't know how to. She does want to return to school as she has always enjoyed it and she loves learning, it's just the social side. On the days she does go in, it sounds like she just sits in the toilets during break and lunch and doesn't really speak to anyone :(

[Kateandjess2007]

Thanks @PermanentTemporary, I'll definitely ask - their only focus seems to be getting her back into school at the moment. They rejected my proposals for a staggered return etc and said the counsellor would see her when she returns. I know they're bound by regulations but it's just frustrating when I'm trying to work with them and they're just saying she'll be fine when she's here. I know that's not the case :(

[Imitatingdory]

The LA have a statutory duty to provide education to those unable to attend school. The duty kicks in when it becomes clear the pupil will miss 15 days, for ongoing conditions the days can be cumulative. It is the LA who are responsible, not the school.

Do challenge the marking of absences as unauthorised. Absence related to mental ill health can be authorised in the same way physical I’ll health can be. Don’t worry about being the EWO if you can prove DD is unable to attend school due to her MH.

In addition to this, have you applied for an EHCNA?

[Sockpile]

Are you on Facebook- there is a really helpful group called ‘Not fine in school’. I’m pretty sure they will be able to point you in the direction of a template later which states that mental health issues are a valid reason to be off school.
Have you spoken to the school SENCO? They should be able to offer some help.

[supercatlady]

Mental illness is a valid reason to be off school and should be classed as illness.
This is the government guidance assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/941900/health_needs_guidance_accessible.pdf
This may help too parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/education/school-university/coping-school-refusal/?gclid=CjwKCAiA55mPBhBOEiwANmzoQlCWg1i2_0mysDtqHKqk-SF1QupQ_J7Sc88Z2EYzOxxypa1g8aUVEBoCON8QAvD_BwE

[specialsauce]

I wouldn't worry too much about the school welfare support getting involved - they will probably be helpful rather than punitive. Would your GP provide something about the diagnosis? Is there some youth support alternative provision in your area?

I actually think I'd need to make a stand about this being a genuine illness at this point. It's time schools saw this as a serious issue that can't be solved speedily. 50% of mental health problems are established by the age of 14 according to the Childrens Society. Do what's best for your daughter. If the school won't assist you in educating your daughter at home then say she has covid and they will have to give her work.

[PermanentTemporary]

Im sure you will already have seen this Young Minds page, just adding it in case it has any further help - possibly a letter from the GP to the school if achievable?
here

[tintodeverano2]

Let the EWO get involved, then they will help you get the support your daughter needs.

[Patienceofasaint1]

Sorry to hear you’re daughter is struggling. I’ve been through this with my daughter ( absent for over 12 months)
You could do with a GP’s note confirming her social anxiety along with the requirement for counselling. I’d hand this straight into school. This will enable the school to authorise the absences.I would be emailing the school office every day advising them of why she is unable to attend school that day ( avoid the word refusal as this implies a choice. Your daughter doesn’t Choose not to attend, she’s unable to).
Actively ask to speak with the education welfare officer to inform them of what your daughter is going through and what you are trying to do to encourage her to attend.
Try wherever you can to get all communication via the school in email form as this is vital evidence if ever it’s needed.

[Rainallnight]

This is really hard. A friend of mine is going through this with her DS at the moment and facing similar issues.

Can you pay for therapy? If I were you, I think I’d consider that more of a priority than the dermatology because it’ll give her the coping mechanisms she needs to help with school.

[Neolara]

Op - I wouldn't want to go to work if I was so worried about "free time" that I hid in the toilets. But this really is something the school should be able to help with relatively easily. Explain the situation to them and see what alternative plans they can come up with for free times. For example, often kids like your dd go and help in the library (quiet environment often with one or two similar kids), or there may be a quiet room or SEN hub where she could go and do something she enjoys (craft, reading etc) possibly with one or two others that share her interests. There really is middle way here between not attending school and just carrying on struggling on as she has been up to now.

[Kateandjess2007]

Thanks all for your helpful suggestions and advice, I've arranged to go into school tomorrow to discuss what support they can offer to encourage DD to feel able to attend and have also looked into paying for some private counselling whilst we wait for the referrals to move along. Thanks again :)

[flippertyop]

It's awful and my DD is the same although not quite as bad as yours. I am forcing her into social situations and it is getting better. My concern being she can't live her life like that - there is no future for her if she won't speak to people. Start with the extended family and work up - it worked for me

[kgal]

My DD had this and became a school refuser when she was in year 7. I had to take a leave of absence from work so I could focus on her as the stress of her calling in tears and me feeling guilty for failing her and failing at work was unbearable. I made the decision to put her on half days at school which they were not happy about but I figured half a day was better than nothing and she found she could cope better that way and avoided having lunch at school.

She is 17 now, in college and still struggle at times but has had counselling which has definitely helped. It's never been as bad as it was back then. I would recommend going for shorter days so at least she's in for some of the time. Good luck it's such an emotionally difficult time.

[MrsColinFerguson]

Sorry, I haven’t got any advice to give, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone. My teenage daughter is really struggling to go to school. It all started in Nov/Dec, but it is much worse this week. She is ready to leave the house, but the anxiety becomes too much for her, and she can’t leave to go to school.
Our journey is just beginning. We are planning to get an asd assessment for her.
Sorry to hear your child is struggling too.

[1989Jane]

I would look at the edclass.com website. They work closely with school non-attendees and students with mental health issues to support them. It's an online alternative provision platform and it is useful for anyone who cannot attend a mainstream school. They have safeguarded, online lessons and you require to turn your camera on and speak to certified teachers every day. I would definitely check them out for an alternative solution