10 Year old terrified of going into school

[beans82]

We are literally at the end of our tether now. Our 10 year old girl has always enjoyed school, loved it in fact. She is intelligent and popular and a very happy little girl.

A few months ago she had a few issues with a friend in her class and she was basically being bullied, she stood up to her, she was strong and did all the right things and we were very proud of her. Since then she has been suffering from a bit of anxiety, worrying a lot about things a 10 year old shouldn't be worrying about and in particular going to school. Once she is there she has a good day, she always comes out happy and tells us about all the things she done that day. The problem is getting her there.

She can be fine all morning, she can be fine on the walk to school but as we get to the gates, it starts. To the point where she is having a panic attack and a full meltdown. We have spoken to the school and they have provisions in place, eg. a teacher meets us at the door and takes her to an "oasis" room where its quiet and she can read or whatever she wants to do. This hand over has now resorted into her screaming and crying, absolutely terrified and the handover is unbearable. I leave for work before school time and its left to her mum to go through this awful rigmarole each morning. I don't know how long we can carry on like this, I almost feel as though my wife is going to have a nervous breakdown.

We have been to the Dr's who were not overly concerned. We have another appointment with them and another with the school and we are going to insist on a CAHMS referral.

I don't know what else to do, I feel completely helpless. Has anybody got any advice on how to handle this?

[usernameuser]

It's almost like the association of the school gate is triggering her anxiety, not surprisingly.

Is there another entrance to the school, a side gate/teachers entrance you could try? Or maybe try going early to Breakfast club, if you have one, to break the cycle, just so it feels different for her.

Other than that maybe take her out for the last couple of weeks and try again in September?

I assume the bullying has all been dealt with?

Poor thing, panic attacks are horrible.

[beans82]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. We have suggested breakfast club but she hates the idea. We cant take her out of school, we have already kept her off probably more than we should. It is A going to get us in trouble and B just prolongs the problem and if anything makes it worse.

The bullying has been dealt with but this girl is still in her class and sitting on the opposite side of the room so I cant imagine that's easy?

[laurabmummyof3]

I’m so sorry your little girl is having such a difficult time, and you and your wife. It sounds like she has almost developed a phobia of the school building. I’m a teacher and had a little lad with a similar problem a few years ago. Although he was only 5. His nan said the same, that he was fine until he saw the school. It was almost like the building itself was a trigger for his anxiousness. Once in class and after a period in our nurture area he was fine and left happy each day. But the beginning of the day was challenging for all adults concerned and upsetting for the child. To try break down this association we did a little project on schools. Explored schools around the world and explored our own school too. We did some art work of our school building made plans on how it could be improved etc. All the kids made schools - junk modelling/play dough etc. I appreciate your daughter is older but there are possibly adaptations to these type of activities to make them age appropriate. Teacher could also explore feelings/emotions with class through stories/drama/art etc to help her realise that these feelings of anxiety are not unique to her. Are you sure the bullying is resolved? It sounds like the school are being supportive to her needs, but they possibly could be doing more. Are you or your wife able to be involved in school life, volunteer in the garden or library, help run an after school club? It sometimes helps anxious children to feel their family are part of their life at school too. I definitely would ask for cahms referral and in the meantime perhaps introduce her to yoga and or meditation. We practice both in my school. There are lots of great free resources for both of these on YouTube and there are also videos specifically aimed at children. Does she have any out of school activities? Perhaps encourage her to spend more time with them to widen her friendship group and keep everything consistent at home, routine helps anxious kids. A time line may even help, just detailing her whole day. Pop little pictures on it too, ( having breakfast/ getting dressed/ walking to school/ the school building and get her to fill in the parts for her school day) Seeing it all laid out in front of her could make it seem like not such a big hurdle. It’s tough for kids these days, praise her for being so strong during this tough time. Go back to doctor also, seek a second opinion if you feel that the last doctor was dismissive. My own 10 year can get a little anxious at times, we’ve tried yoga/timeline/routine/lavender spray on bedding and Bach rescue pastilles which can be given to children, and a matching twin key fobs) The latter were little tiny fabric dogs (one each) that I sprayed with my perfume. It was kept in school bag and stroked/subtly sniffed when required. It’s really just a process of elimination to see what works best. Good luck! 💙

[beans82]

Thanks so much for this, some great stuff for us to look at.

[Moondancer73]

Rescue remedy or pastilles as the PP said. Also sage oil on a hanky in her pocket.
It sounds silly but could a TA or even the teacher meet her in the corridor at staff room and take her in? Or is there another friend you could walk to school to help distract her maybe?
How about a reward system - almost like a star chart? If she can stay calm then she can have something to aim for? I do sympathise, I suffer with anxiety and my son was bullied horribly at school. Could the teacher maybe swap the bully or your daughter to different seats? It should be the bully imo, but anything that helps her feel more settled.

[usernameuser]

A time line may even help, just detailing her whole day. Pop little pictures on it too, ( having breakfast/ getting dressed/ walking to school/ the school building and get her to fill in the parts for her school day)

As well as this you could break the actual physical approach to school into manageable chunks with a small reward at each stage. Talk it through with her beforehand so she she knows she just has to concentrate on one stage at a time. So stage 1 walking near to school, well done you get a sticker. Stage 2 getting to school gate, deep breaths, well done you get ..whatever. Stage 3 going through gate, keep breathing deeply, well done you get a bigger reward.
She has to almost retrain her brain into a good mindset rather than the fight or flight feeling that has taken over.