Is it normal for 6 year olds to say they want to die during meltdown

[mooddisorder]

In my heart I really feel my DD has some additional needs but everyone I speak to seems to suggest that 6 is too young to label a child and that all children act our during the separation of their parents......

My very sensitive and anxious child has always been prone to meltdowns/overstimulation and has suffered separation anxiety on and off Since her sister was born 4 years ago, I have really struggled to parent her. She has huge jealousy issues with her sister which mean I constantly have to reassure that I love her as much as her sister. She has always had meltdowns when overwhelmed/overtired. At times of stress, she can be very irritable and tearful on a daily basis. At the moment she seems to be permanently irritable with me and constantly seeking reassurance.

I find day to day living with her very stressful as she zaps all my energy. At the moment when she has a meltdown it is often triggered by her sister touching her. She then starts screaming, ripping her clothes off and insisting she smells and needs to wash herself. Sometimes she will sit in the sink running the taps and covering herself with soap. Today she screamed that she wanted to die, she wanted me to kill her, she wanted her contaminated arms taken off, she smelt, no one would like her etc.

The normal advice is you ignore tantrums but when I tried to ignore her she shouted at me saying I wasn't helping her and I didn't love her because I was ignoring her.

Sometimes she will kick and push me away and if I leave her to it she will calm down.

I really feel I need help with her. All advice so far seems to suggest I just need to be more assertive with her and start establishing boundaries and ignoring the negative behaviour.

But what if she really is depressed? Would I be right to turn my back on someone who so doubts my love. Problem is I'm the only witness to this episodes which is why everyone I speak to seem to suggest it is me and my anxiety that is the root cause and that only i can change things. Could there be more to it? She has never been assessed by anyone.

Can a child say they hate themselves and want to die and always be doing it for attention only? Is my crap parenting the only possibility here?

[YouAreMyRain]

She sounds a bit like DD1 (currently having psychotherapy under Camhs and being assessed for ASD) one question I get asked a lot is "does she have times where she is joyful/in the moment?" I think that is quite a good indicator for childhood depression and might be worth keeping an eye on.

[anthropology]

seems like school nurse, and educational psychologist perhaps are the best routes to access help, as you say and how she copes socially and educationally is important. Maybe for you, it is worth asking the Gp (probably not the very unsympathetic sounding one) for a course of CBT for yourself where you have a space to think about patterns o f interaction - I found it quite helpful when my DD was depressed and my anxiety made things harder. would definitely read up some ASD books and other conditions as the poster describes....

[Tangerineandturquoise]

Even if the GP was right (and I am not saying he is) and the symptoms have been caused by the breakup that isn't the treatment.
If you went to him with DD having a broken finger from having trapped it in your car door, he can say it was your fault for closing the door but he can't leave it there he needs to refer your DD for the appropriate treatment

Just as with the psychotherapist saying it's an attachment disorder, that is fine, but there are things that can be done around that.
It may also help if you could access some help around your anxiety, if your DD is using you as her emotional barometer then you and she might feel safer/more in control if you have coping mechanisms for your anxiety. Coping with a child like your DD will make you anxious, but you may find helping her involves you finding ways to manage that anxiety. It doesn't mean it is your fault, but it may mean that there are some things you can do to help the situation.

Do you think the threats to die are an emotional arrow aimed at you- or do you think she genuinely means it. Our DC does threatens self harm (similar age as your DD)- and we were advised to fire a pop gun or make a loud noise and distract. Break the moment, it worked for a while, and sometimes that is all you can do, find a temporary fix whilst you keep tackling the bigger problems.

I am not sure your daughter is having tantrums but rather it sounds like she is genuinely in distress- have you explored Sensory Integration Disorder
spdfoundation.net/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html and www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html often there isn't one cause to issues, but a balancing act so if (like you say you are) she is an anxious person then when her anxiety peaks her sensory issues may be more accute.

It is also important to remember our children often act out with those they feel safest with, and that may be why she acts out when she is alone with you, and you need help to support her through that, so maybe take another trip to a GP who specializes in pediatrics most practices will have one and talk to them.

[mooddisorder]

Thank you for the replies and the suggestions.

I tried GP- I saw a locum- he blamed me and my partner and refused to listen to any symptoms- said it was the separation causing any behaviour and I left in tears. I am seeing school nurse in January. I just need a way in to access support.

I think my partner thinks I'm colluding with her. My children eat separately because she won't be in the same room as her sister. I frequently replace meals that have been contaminated in some way. The opinion is that these things don't happen elsewhere because they don't allow it but when I try to be assertive with her, I get all these accusations about me not loving her, ignoring her, loving her sister more. After hours of complaints about anything- I admit I sometimes take the path of least resistance.

I did see a child psychotherapist at one point(he never saw my daughter). He said there were the beginnings of an attachment disorder. A lot of blame was put on my anxiety but the way I see it when I'm with her I do get anxious but away from her I feel normal. The relationship has become dysfunctional over a long period of time but I often think there might be more to it or is she just acting out with me. How can I prove it when I'm the only witness?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I would see GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). Sounds very difficult.

[anthropology]

You are not trying to label her, you are being a good mum seeing her in unfathomable distress and wanting to help. My dd was not disimilar although she also had tics and I spent a lot of time focus on the physical aspects. No one ever picked up on the darkness she sometimes expressed. At 14, she tried to kill herself, seemingly out of the blue and has spent time in adolescent units since. Turns out she is quite complex with ASD traits etc and tells me she thought about dying for as long as she can remember but no one ever asked the right questions. She thought everyone felt like this. I believe if we had tried to help her understand and manage emotions much earlier, it would have been easier for her. She is wonderful and now at uni, but battles depression daily. I wasnt listened to by a lot of experts, and sometimes blamed but I suggest you write all this down and try and get an assessment, and start to read books like the Explosive child. I think and hope there is a bit more understanding now. best of luck.....