Car seat Refusing

[kblake90]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for any advice as I just don't know what to do anymore. My toddler completely refuses to get into her car seat now. She is three years 4 months old and any attempts to put her in results in terrible meltdowns, we've tried everything we can think of to get her in. We are due to visit family soon which involves a 300+ car trip and I'm so stressed wondering how we will do it.

Any ideas on what I can do would be greatly appreciated

Tell her you’re going out to soft play later (or somewhere else she likes). Get her ready, if she refuses to get in her car seat straight away give her 1 warning - ‘seat now or no soft play ‘. If she still refuses, take her out of the car and go back inside.

What sort of seat is it?
Any signs of travel sickness?

Do you think this is stubbornness or there is something causing a problem she can't explain?

It's a Joie I spin, shes done the long journey since she was a baby, had no issues ever with going in car seat. It started in last few months with not wanting to have the straps over her shoulders then it's now complete refusal to go in.

Does she still fit it properly?

Yes. It's a birth to 12 seat which we have adapted as she gets bigger

Can I ask what happens at the moment when she refuses to get in the car seat?

The tantrum starts, I try and put her in and she becomes either completely ridged or is trashing. She gets really upset.

When DD2 used to go rigid, I found tickling her helped.

Well she can’t actually refuse can she? You’re much bigger and stronger so there shouldn’t be anything that stops you from forcing her into the seat- most parents have been their at least a few times, when they don’t want to leave somewhere for example. I wouldn’t see that as a big issue tbh. You just have to like fold them whilst they’re planking and hold them down whilst you do the straps. And thankfully mine were always fine once the car got moving. What is a problem is if she’s distracting you whilst driving by screaming or getting out of the car seat straps. As for the long drive, providing she doesn’t suffer from travel sickness then I would stick a movie on an ipad and let her watch that. Sympathies though, it’s a tough stage!

I have tried this when she didn't want to get in the car at all and it did work to get her in but just not in the car seat, still complete refusal at that

When I could I waited it out, sat in the car with a book.

Is she big enough for a seat without the 5 point seat belt? One of mine was much happier when he graduated to one using the actual car seat belt rather than harness. Don’t know how that works with the birth to 12 types though.

So after the tantrums, do you stick her in the car seat and drive trying to ignore the tantrums, or do you get back in the house?

I should say, big enough in terms of safety guidelines. I just remember learning at one point that mine had gotten to the size where he was actually safer out of the 5-point, which surprised me. That might have been when he was 4 though

I agree with previous poster in that you just have to be the adult and make her get in the car seat. Assuming you have rules out any sort of pain or discomfort or anything wrong with the car seat.
She's probably picked up on the fact that if she refuses hard enough then you'll give in and she gets what she wants. Plus it's a little power excersicae for her and 3 year olds love that.

I would start by having a conversation with her at a calm time and saying 'I understand you don't like the car seat, it's ok to feel cross about going in the car seat. It's mummys job to decide where we go and sometimes that means going in the car. When we go in the car, you just sit in your car seat with the straps because the straps keep you safe. It's mummys job to keep you safe. Next time we go in the car, mummy is going to put you in the car seat. It's ok for you to feel cross about that.

Have that conversation a few times a day for a few days and then go in the car and calmly repeat that whilst putting her in the car.

She might kick and scream etc but don't get cross or exasperated, but stay calm and repeat 'it's ok to feel cross, I'm putting you in your car seat now' over and over and just get her into the car seat. Pick a short journey and then don't over do the praise after just low key.

Do that again the next day and repeat for a few days and I would almost put money on it, after 4/5 times , she will relent and be calmer getting in.

Good luck

Force her into the seat and drive. Completely ignore her, don't look at her or talk to her. When she stops give her lots of positive attention.

Further to my last post. It could be a matter of emergency. You say she 'refuses' . You just can't let her refuse . A three year old doesn't 'get' to refuse anything when you as an adult are making a decision like this.

Imagine you had a phone call that your other child/husband/parent was in an accident and you had to get to hospital quickly. You'd just have to wrangle her into that car seat kicking and screaming. That's exactly what you just need to do a few times to show her that it's not actually a choice for her. Her choice is that she either gets in the car seat willingly, or you put her in the car seat kicking and screaming.

I'm all for respectful parenting (hence clear instructions, explanations, and expectation) but kids really need the boundaries. We can be kind and respectful whilst enforcing the boundary but the boundary needs to be there.

If you don't nip this sort of thing in the bud now she'll continue to progress to worse levels. What if in a few years she decides to take her seatbelt off on the motorway and 'refuses' to put it back on. You need to be the adult.

The Joie i-Spin is not a 0-12y seat, it's 0-4 years. So either it's not the i-Spin or it's not up to age 12.

Do you know how tall she is?

Could you try her out in another kind of seat e.g. one that a friend has, or in a shop? I am thinking that something like Maxi Cosi Titan or Britax Evolvafix might be more comfortable for her (though, a pain to buy a new seat if you do have a 0-12 year one). The pads on the Joie seats are very "grippy" and I wonder if it's this she doesn't like.

Or at a push, the Cybex Pallas type seats which have the impact shield rather than the 5 point harness. Some children like these as there are no shoulder straps. There is no statistical difference in safety between these compared to a 5 point harness used forward facing.

If she's under 15kg or 100cm, then she's too small to go into a seatbelt (high back booster) legally. And TBH, there are iffy safety results for them near this minimum border. It is better to get them as close to 18kg/105cm as possible as a minimum really. And 3y4m is very young behaviourally to manage using just a seatbelt. In general most of the companies are now recommending 3.5y+ or 4y+ - in my experience fitting, where I worked we did fit from three and I rarely found a three year old that sat properly in them, certainly not the younger side of three. A handful of older 3s (nearly 4) but still not a lot of them.

Check you're not doing it too tight. It doesn't have to be so tight that it's hurting them. Also with the spin going both rear facing and forward facing, try the opposite way around? If she's FF currently, try rear facing saying it's a fun/silly/astronaut thing. If she's RF currently try forward facing.

Behaviour management wise, I would try to work with her to find out what she is struggling with and see if you can find a win-win solution you're both happy with. Do this at a no-pressure time so she knows that you're not going to force her into the seat, it tends to make them more likely to give you useful information. If you can do this e.g. combined with trying out different kinds of seats, brilliant as she might be able to tell you what she prefers about different kinds.

Sorry I don't know why I wrote Joie, maybe it because her old buggy is a Joie! She's a cosatto all in all rotated. Thanks for the advice

I would talk to her all the time about why we use car seats (to keep us safe, to go fun places when it's too far to walk). Keep dropping this into everyday conversations and then just before you are about to get in the car remind her again. Toddlers can actually be really receptive to repetitive messaging (if there understanding of language supports it).
Having said that I have often had to resort to force which is not great. Tickling can sometimes work and I also sometimes do a countdown. Say 'I am going to countdown from 10 and then I will put you in your car seat'. This works with my toddler although she really doesn't like it almost like she's scared so I am not sure it's the best method tbh.
It's hard, it's a phase.

Oh no worries! It's so easy to get these things mixed up :)

The Cosatto doesn't have the grippy pads like the Joie, they are a bit softer, but it might be if she is tall she is getting a bit too big for it. Defo worth trying some other brands. Unfortunately with these 0-12 years seats, what you sometimes find is that the individual stages aren't always sized well for each stage, sometimes they are a bit too big at the start of an age range and/or a bit too small towards the end of one, especially if a child is quite big or small for their age. The "one size fits all" ends up being a bit of a misnomer. It's frustrating for parents because you're sold that this will last all the way through and if you get to a transition age where it's not fitting properly then you have a bit of a dilemma, do you move them to the next stage even though that isn't quite right either or do you buy a whole new seat even though this one will likely be fine in 6 months or so? OTOH you don't want her to be uncomfortable OR unsafe for 6 months either!

Do you have any other seats e.g. a spare one at a grandparent's that you could switch to temporarily and see if that's any better?

Can you tell, when she is in the seat, are the straps level with the tops of her shoulders, or are they slightly higher or slightly below? And does the headrest have a little gap above her shoulders, it's not resting directly on them or pushing them down?

She’s three, you’re an adult. Use two adults if needed to get her in and go.