DP says I need to stop BF'ing so often - is he right, am I an idiot?..

[TrippleBerryFairy]

So basically we both are exhausted from lack of sleep and had a row this morning - DP insists that I am being 'too soft' on our 5 week old and that I should feed him less frequently (currently every 2 hrs at night, which does not let us sleep properly; similar during the day) and that I should let the baby cry for his food a little bit. In his opinion that will help to stretch the time between feeds. He also says the baby will just become fat if I continue like this.

I however think that the very last point about the baby becoming fat is rubbish as first of all he was born low weight and still looks smaller than other babies his age.
I do not believe that letting him cry will help to stretch time between the feeds - if he is hungry, he is hungry and crying is not going to make him less hungry! He actually does not even normally cry as such, just grumbles - should I wait till that becomes a full blown cry?...I don't think so as I really don't want my grumbling sweet baby to develop a habit of crying loudly...

And then, is there such a thing as 'being too soft' when we are talking about a 5 WEEK (not month or year!) old?? He is just a baby, fgs!

But I still can't help but feel that maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being too soft and give in too easily. It's my first baby and I haven't got a clue. So maybe DP is right. It just makes me so angry- it's easy for him to say 'let him cry'- it is me who will have to listen to the cry and it would make me feel awful. It wouldn't help me/us to sleep better - I can't even bear listening to him grumbling for too long at night and would just be lying there awake listening to his cry feeling a sh... mother!

What do you think I should do and if I am right, how do I convince DP that babies need to be fed soon after they start showing signs they are hungry?...

[DownyEmerald]

I struggled a bit with feeding on demand and letting dd sleep with us. I think I worried I was 'giving in' and being too soft at the first hurdle.

But, as she got older, and I did need to be firm and say no occasionally, I was absolutely fine - no problem.

You really can't be too soft with a tiny at least up to 6 months.

I'm sure, later on, when it's appropriate you will be able to say no to your child. It just isn't appropriate now.

[mathanxiety]

Agree with Maria -- you are both suffering from the lack of sleep, so escalating the frustration level probably not a good thing. Sleeping separately until baby reaches about 12-14 lbs and will probably start going longer between feeds is a good solution if this is possible, space-wise.

Was it just one remark/ tirade or is he keeping at you constantly? If just one remark, then it's the sleeplessness talking. If constantly, then he really needs to be educated about babies and their habits. There are plenty of baby care books out there. He will need to adjust his expectations.

[dorisbonkers]

I currently feed my 11 month old every 2-3 hours!

[cassell]

Completely agree with everyone else, you're doing the right thing! My ds at that age would feed every 1-2 hrs all day & night. My dh managed to snore through most of the nighttime feeds but if he hadn't I'm sure he would have retreated to the spare room!

I don't know if you've tried it but cluster feeding in the evening helped my ds to start dropping night feeds of his own accord from about 6-7wks. Basically from about 9pm-12 I would feed him almost(!) constantly so he was really full up by the time I put him down when we went to bed, he gradually slept for longer before waking for his next feed until the blissful moment when I woke at 7am and realised he hadn't woken up at all! (That was at about 12wks).

Anyway best of luck - it does get better

[TrippleBerryFairy]

Skillbo- you was feeding every hour?... I am very lucky then indeed!

Last night I have moved out to the spare room (most of the baby stuff is there anyway so it is even easier for me to have the baby there) and DP seemed so much more happier this morning Me too So I think that's going to be the solution and hope I will never hear him wanting 'to be involved' in sleep deprivation again. One zombie in the house is more than enough

[Skillbo]

At five weeks, I think you are quite lucky to have two hourly feeds...

My DD wanted feeding at least once an hour for the first couple of months and still wants food every hour ands a half now (she was three months at the weekend). She is better at night but once she has woken once, she rarely goes longer than 2 hours and at 5 weeks she was up all the time.

I echo lots of the comments already made and just want you to know it will get better and longer soon.

Good luck x

[Pyrocanthus]

Mozarela, you are doing everything right and looking after your baby beautifully. Find a way to help your DH get some sleep so that you can get on with. Spare room worked for us.

Your baby can't get fat (!), can't get spoiled and the feeds will gradually get further apart.

[cyteen]

Good point RedAction. Between about 3 and 10 months my DS was a total segment baby, so chubby his joints all looked like they had elastic bands round them He was absolutely solid. Now he's moving around a lot, he's still solid but with less rolls and his knuckles no longer have dimples on them.

[NigellaTufnel]

Support the idea of co-sleeping, but it wasn't for us, so we just had ds in our room. That does work too.
It was hard, no question, but DH and I had to work through it together.

Your husband is being an idiot. Trust your instinct.

[WoTmania]

Babies are meant to (roughly) double their birth weight in the first 6 months.
if you were planning on increasing your weight you would eat more, mor often. This is what babies are doing. At 5 weeks, by stretching out the feeds, you would effectively be putting your baby on a diet.
I think you are right to listen to your instincts.

On the sleep front; can I echo the cosleeping suggestion? Or separate rooms if you really aren't happy with the idea of cosleeping. It won't be forever. Honest .

Anyway you don't sound like the type of mummy who could sit and listen to your DS crying. So he's a very lucky little person.

[AliGrylls]

A woman has what is called a maternal instinct for a reason. Good luck.

[jocar2007]

Definitely ignore DP. I listened to a lot of people aroinf me who told me that my DD was feeding for too long and too often. As a result, I limited her time feeding and stretched her feeds out to every 3 hours. She also slept 12 hours overnight so wasn't feeding then. She dropped from the 25th percentile to the 2nd and it was impossible to get her back up. I spent months thinking she was teething as she was so distressed. She's 8 months now, still has no teeth and I now realise that my poor little baby was starving. I honestly think that because I limited her in the earlier days (at about 8 weeks I thought I needed more routine) my milk supply suffered and I never really got it back on track - no matter how many times I seemed to offer her food, she would get really frustrated after a few minutes.

I would hate to see anyone make the mistakes I made. I feels so awful when I think about how hungry she must have been and how it was my fault. In 2 months, she's gone from just below 2nd percentile to between the 9th and 25th.

Just keep doing what you're doing - a mother does know best!!!

[redtabby]

My small premmie baby fed every one to two hours for the first few weeks, it is really very normal especially when their little tummies are so small. It does feel like something is wrong though, in the incredible tiredness and sleepwalking feeling, but try to belive both that it is RGHT and that it will pass soon. Mine is three months now and eats every 2-3 hours in the day but only every 4-5 hours at night.

[ib]

Ignore your DP. It's way too early to start spacing feeds.

Tell your DP that your ds' stomach is tiny at this stage, and that he needs to fill it often. Spacing feeds so early could mean that he is unable to get enough food and does not gain sufficient weight.

[MrsSantoslovestheBBC]

Hi congratulations on your DS . It sounds like you are really in tune with him. The early weeks are hard going but it will settle down. I totally second (third?) the co-sleeping idea. As long as it is done safely then it can save your sanity.

Sorry your DP is struggling with this - I think lots of first time Dads (and second-timers!!) find it hard to get their heads round bf and little babies in general. You could show him this numbered list. Men like lists

[TrippleBerryFairy]

Thanks for the link to the article, great stuff.

[CantSleepWontSleep]

Phew, it took me a while to find, but here is the article. I think that you'll find it just perfect to show to your dh.

[TrippleBerryFairy]

sandcastles 'When it is dinner time for your dh, tell him that you are making him wait for his food because you are worried he is getting too fat! ' - this is a good one but it would definitely put our relationship at risk...

I don't unfortunately have friends with babies so shall be venting my frustrations on the net...

[LadyStealthPolarBear]

Just to clarify - I didn't co-sleep on the sofa, bad idea.

[LadyStealthPolarBear]

Congratulations
Agree with everyone else and with what you're doing.
Probably going to get lynched for this, but if you are on mat leave and your DH is working, can he sleep in another room for a few weeks? I certainly plan to do this after DH has gone back after paternity leave. He sleeps and I get to do what I like - co sleep sprawled out, put the light on if I need to, make noise, watch TV. Last time we didn't have a spare bed so I slept on the sofa (my choice) - meant I got to get drinks and snacks easily and watch the TV. IIRC it didn't take long until DS was sleeping at night with particular wakings for a feed then back to sleep, rather than him just being awake/asleep as much as he was during the day, and then we slept in the same bed again.
I have particular reasons for doing this that might not apply - DH has a long drive to and from work, he isn't good when woken during the night, really struggles to get back to sleep whereas I just go straight back to sleep etc.

[cyteen]

5 weeks is still pretty early so you may not feel up to it yet, but when you do, mother and baby groups can be a lifesaver. I started going to one when DS was about 7 weeks and it was so nice just to sit in a room full of other rumpled mums, drinking tea and watching our LOs pull funny faces. It was nice to have people to talk to who were in the same place as me, even though we might be doing different things re. feeding, sleeping, weaning etc.

[TrippleBerryFairy]

thanks for your responses, I am cuddling my baby now and wispering into his ear that mummy will not let him starve even if the daddy gets upset

BertieBotts - unfortunately none of my friends have babies so I shall be venting my frustrations on the net...

[cyteen]

Agree with everything already posted:

your DS won't get fat, he will take what he needs

feeding on demand is right and normal and necessary when he is so tiny

there is no such thing as 'too soft'

5 week old babies are too young to 'learn' anything - there's plenty of time for independence to develop naturally. My DS was a total milk monster and stayed in our room until he was 7 months old. Now he is 1, mostly sleeps through the night in his own cot, mostly settles happily on his own and is pretty much down to one feed a day. He is healthy, happy and thriving.

Your DP probably is reacting out of post-birth shock and tiredness rather than any bad intent. During the first few weeks of DS's life I saw my DP get more stressed and upset than he'd ever been about anything before. It's a massive life change and you both get dropped in at the deep end. Actually my DP found feeding particularly stressful during the first days when DS hadn't quite got the hang of it - he described it as a primal response to the need to keep your child fed.

Congratulations btw, you are doing brilliantly and you WILL all get through it Tiny babies need lots of love and lots of milk; sleep just has to be grabbed where it can!