Baby nearly 6 months old and I am still feeling guilty for bottle feeding.

[jemimah]

Just been reading threads on bottle vs breast feeding and I would like to know if there are other mothers who for some reason couldn't breast feed their child and are made to feel guitly for it and also made to feel as if they are not a good mother. I have friends who used to/do breast feed and they are supportive about me bottle feeding, but there are so many people out there that undo their good work with negative comments and attempt (usually successfully) at guilt tripping. I fed my son myself about 3 times, due to the fact that in hospital I found it almost impossible to get out of bed and therefore needed the midwives to help feed my son. I had a retained placenta and had to have blood transfusions and I was extremely weak after the birth, removal of the placenta etc, so much so that I was at the verge of passing out. having only moved to wiltshire a few months before and having no friends here I had no one except my husband able to visit me in hospital and I was extremely depressed. I found it difficult to bond in the beginning with my son as I was apart from him for a few hours after the birth and I feel that all these things together made breast feeding a no no for me. I punish myself enough for not breastfeeding still and I wanted to know if anyone felt similar to me, even if you don't I would be interested to hear your views.

[ionesmum]

You sound like you are doing a fab job. Things will get better, I promise. No-one has the right to judge us. FWIW I feel very proud now of how I looked after dd1 even though she was ff and how I coped, even though I couldn't give her 100% either (which of us can?) Lots of luck, you are a fab mummy and you deserve it.

[jemimah]

Yes I do, even though I find it tough and don't feel I can give 100% at the moment, he is loved very much by me and his daddy. I do feel like people sometimes doubt you though if you don't do the things they think you should. Two fingers to them though!

[ionesmum]

jemimah, like you I had this idea of what being a mum was going to be like, I had this image of me peacefully bfeeding a baby on demand, not sterilising bottles. I had to let that mummy go and embrace the mummy I was - which was a mummy doing her best in difficult circumstances. I didn't feel happy about myself until after dd1 turned one. I was told by my hv, who had been through the same thing, that you have to grieve, and you do. It takes time, but it does get better. The most important thing isn't how you feed your baby, it's how much you love them, and you obviously love your baby very much.

[jemimah]

wanna, my mum was a bit like you and my little brother was breastfed till she really couldn't as she needed such strong painkillers. She had to have an operation in the end as she would have ended up permantly unable to walk. Its a cruel world we live in and I am so grateful to you all for making me feel like I am still being a good mother. I don't feel I am giving as much as I should, but I know you can't just change your opinion on yourself overnight, especially with other factors which make being a mother difficult.

[wanna]

Hi Jemimah, I b/f my son for the first 6 weeks then because of medical reasons on my behalf I gave up and put him on the bottle. The first 6 weeks were horrendous for me as I couldn't have proper painkillers due to b/f but I was under so much pressure from health professionals and comments from other mums I persisted. Eventually I had to choose either b/f but too much pain to walk or bottles and painkillers so I could walk. My son is now 8months old, he's done fabulous, eating solids and enjoying his feeds. Yes I felt guilty for quite some time but after talking to all 3 of my sister-in-laws (all of whom bottlefed their collective 8 children) I realised that b/f is not for everyone and anyone who puts a mother down for not doing it is totally insensitive and not worth listening to. Everyone is different and those that can b/f should understand that some women either can't or don't want to and shouldn't be penalised for it. Even now and again I still wish that I could have carried on and feel a bit guilty but have to realistically remember that circumstances stopped it. Just looking at our DS and how healthy he is makes me feel better, a healthy baby is more important than others trying to tell you how to raise your baby.

[throckenholt]

I think lots of people feel like you. You had a rough start and it made it impossible for you to breastfeed. It is a shame, but not your fault and nothing you can blame yourself for. It doesn't make any difference to all the other things you do for your son as a mum.

If you have another child chances are you will not have the same problems.

Haven't time to read the rest of the thread so just answering the original post.

[mummytosteven]

here's the url for the surestart web page


www.surestart.gov.uk/

the website isn't brilliant but should tell you if there is anything going on in your town/city or not. your hv should know this sort of thing.

the programmes tend to be focussed in deprived areas.

also are there any baby massage/baby swimming classes near you - nothing like being in your swimming cozzy in the pool as a social leveller!

[JoolsToo]

guilty? why? don't sweat it!

[ionesmum]

jemimah, there are good and bad mum/baby groups. If you get ignored at one, then thye are very sad people. I love the one I go to and met my bf there.

[jemimah]

How do I find out about surestart? I think there are a couple of mother and baby groups run at the church here, but I've lost so much confidence because of the others.

[mummytosteven]

are there any surestart centres anyway near you - coz they are good at offering a mixture of free activies - not just M & T, but exercise groups with creche, pamper sessions, toy library (small charge per toy) and even sometimes a sensory room with lights/music etc.

[tiktok]

Aaaaaaargh! Mother and Baby Groups! They can be terrible. However, they are not all like that - in fact, most aren't. But I have sat on my own, with no one coming to talk to me at all, and it is horrible. You feel such an idiot - and I am not a shy person. I will talk to anyone, but I need more than a 'yes' or 'no' response followed by someone turning away to have a conversation

Jemimah, try another group...there's bound to be a nicer one you can go to.

[huskygirl]

jemimah,

i think i've just "CAT"ed you!! How exciting. I've never "CAT"ed anyone before!!

[huskygirl]

Jemimah,

Of course i'll chat! I'll figure out how to do it and contact you. I know its hard not having anyone around, my family and friends live 200 miles away so i've had no one either. Have you thought of organising a meet up from mumsnet or seeing if anyone off here lives in your area, there are so many posters surely someone is near you. I feel sort of ok now, failed my depression test so have to go into the HV tomorrow. I felt very guilty for ages as i got pre-eclampsia and my dd was born only 5lb 7oz and she nearly died during the labour, all this added to my feelngs of guilt, without having the pressure of people having a go about feeding. I switched to botle feeding in the end but was so pleased that i managed to get some breastmilk into her, so long as she's growing and healthy thats good enough for me!! I too didn't take to the mother and baby group very well (are you actually me!!) everyone seemed to know everyone else, and weren't very welcoming. Shame really.

[jemimah]

huskygirl-its mad how similar your situation has been to mine. How are you feeling now? If you want to chat via email you can contact me through mumsnet if you want, don't worry if you don't want!

[jemimah]

I have been to the mother and baby group in my town and I haven't found it very helpful. I didn't fit in at all. It doesn't bother me how old someone is, what they wera etc, but I think it does to the mothers there. I am the youngest one there and I am the only one I think that bottle feeds and I have tried joining in conversations and I end up pretty much being pushed out. Its hard. I prefer staying in on Mondays now as I find it more hurtful going somewhere there is people and them not wanting to know you, than not seeing anyone at all.
Things have always been a bit up and down between me and my hubby, but the problems are far worse now. I thought whilst I was preg that when the baby was born that the problems with my in laws wouldn't be an issue and that I would be treated as though I'm important. But no. I know that when I get to move back I will be able to cope so much better than I do now. Everything is difficult now, when I go and stay at my mums with everyone around to make me feel mormal I juat get on with everything and I don't struggle.

[huskygirl]

hi jemimah,

Just wanted to offer my support as i feel i've picked up on something from your posts that is familiar to me and is probably also affecting your mood. You say that you used to be a nursery assistant. I was manager of a babyroom for 3 years. I was in charge of babies from 3 months to 2 years old and now having a seven week old daughter i can confidently say that it is completely different. I dont know if its been the same for you but a lot of people just expected me to know what to do, or to deal with things perfectly because of this, but if the slightest thing wasn't going right then I felt like a complete failure just because i felt "i should know this, or i should be able to do this". Remember we didn't deal with babies from birth so its still completely new to us too. By the way i too had a retained placenta, had it removed manually, had a bad haemorage developing to anaemia and it too afected my ability to breastfeed,and found the whole thing very traumatic. These things all affect us but we can only do the best that we are able to do, thats all anyone can do. Remember there are no rules we have to stick to! Try and keep your chin up and dont punish yourself.

[chickenchowmein]

Everyone on this thread - breastfeeders and bottlefeeders sound really supportive and have all made complete sense. It makes a change to have a discussion without people getting all rude and aggressive over the breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding debate.

[sweetkitty]

Just wanted to add that I have had all the comments etc from the other side of the coin in that I breastfed when everyone else in my family/friends has bottlefed. They think I'm mad still BFing at 8 months plus and surely there is no benefit to it now??

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that whatever our choices for our children whether its berastfeeding/bottlefeeding, weaning at 2 months or 6 months, cosleeping/cot on Day 1 etc I believe it's a cannot win situation and am rapidly realising that as a parent you will come under critism from everyone.

I can appreciate how you are feeling as well re being lonely with no family and friends about you. I was in the exact same situation when my DD was born theres only me, her and DP. All I can suggest is that you get out to some mother and baby groups, OK they can be a bit cliquey at times but you can find some lovely people there.

I'm sure you are a fantastic mum and love your son very much and that's all that should matter

[saadia]

Like everyone else I would just add that you really shouldn't feel guilty and worry about the feeding. I b/f ds1 for a year and ds2 for just a couple of months. This was because I had real problems getting ds1 to drink milk from a bottle or cup when I was done with b/f, so I ended up spoonfeeding him three times a day, and I didn't want to have the same problem with ds2.

Anyway, it's really normal to stress about everything with the first child, but when I had ds2 I was much more relaxed and realised that lots of things aren't that big a deal. I really regret the time I wasted getting anxious over ds1 not eating the odd meal, not sleeping when I thought he should, being so clingy, milestones etc. There are certain things that parents should worry about, but I think the bottle/breastfeeing debate is not one of them.

[chipmonkey]

By the way Jemimah, I am now feeling guilty because I am on Mumsnet when I should be helping ds1 and ds2 wtih homework! There's always something!

[ionesmum]

Yes, this happened to me after a difficult birth, I couldn't bfeed my first and I felt soooooo guilty. You will not find in any parenting magazine that not all mums and babies can bf, the message is that mums who bottlefeed do so through ill-informed choice which is not the case. I now have dd2 and am still bfeeding her at 12 mo, and it is wonderful. I still feel sad about not bfeeding dd1 but now I realise I was in an impossible situation and had no choice. So take heart because if there is a next time, things can be very different.

FWIW, my dd1 eats anything - dd2 is the picky eater. I weaned dd1 at four mo and she is fine. And out of my friends with children of dd1's age, three babies were bfed and she wasn't - and she is the only one without eczema.

Are there any baby/toddler groups near by? It is hard when you are on your own so much. I think re the bf thing, you just have to give yourself time to get over it, but with feeling so isolated maybe your hv could help?

[decmum]

The two biggest symptoms of new baby syndrome are GUILT and RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWN....I really believe that.

I don't know enough about your relationship before baby but if it was good it will be again. It's a total shock and IME all friendship goes out of the window because all your love and strength goes in to that child.
I've said it before on Mnet my advice (and I know it isn't practically possible for everyone) is leave DH with the baby for a day...show him the reality...it turned my situation around and once DP had apologised and admitted that he'd really not understood what I was going through then we became friends again.

[jemimah]

what you have just said has made a lot of sense Pruni.
I really think there should be more done to support the people who cannot manage something, not just for the ones who are and just need that extra help. I think welldone to mothers who can breastfeed but also welldone to the mothers that have to cope with the stigma of being a "bottlefeeding mother" and don't just give up. I really feel at times like I could just sit and cry for days and let everything else just carry on without me. I have let everything that has happened since the birth of my son and during pregnancy make me lose all self confidence and I the feeling of longing for a baby I had felt in the year it took me to fall pregnant didn't feel so strong anymore.
I love my little one so much obviously, but at times I don't know why I craved a baby so much. I feel awful saying that. I still feel like he is a miracle and that having a baby is the most wonderful thing a woman can possibly do, but I want to be me aswell as a wife and a mother. I have a lot of problems going on at home, one of which seems to be slowly destrying my marriage-the fact my husbands family are so nasty and I never, ever have the support or backing of my hubby and I am desperate to move back to Oxfordshire where I am originally from. I feel like a prisoner here and I can't stand having no one here apart from my baby and husband.

[eidsvold]

my dd1 could not be breast fed and in fact for the first 2 and abit months of her life was fed using an ng tube. Once her problem was rectified it was onto bottles and weaning at 4 months old.

I look at her now - healthy happy almost 3 yo and know I made the best decision.

Dd2 who is almost 5 months old is almost exclusively breastfed. It took a long time and she had the odd bottle. I knew that I was doing my best for her when she had the odd top up bottle.

I feel a little strange about not breastfeeding dd1 but the situation was different and she could not be breastfed so I did the best thing for her with formula and bottles. I was so comfortable with that - I planned to bottlefed no2 - but breastfeeding worked for us at the time.

Stop punishing yourself - he is happy, content and healthy - you have done your job and the best for HIM and you. As someone else said - give yourself permission to not breastfeed and to all those who butt in with well meaning comments. Pretend they are speaking a foreign language and you can't understand them. IT really is none of their business. Wrap the guilt up and throw it away and don't let it spoil another minute of your time with your beautiful babe.