Reassure me I am not 'spoiling' my baby

[midori1999]

Aggghhhhh, if one more person says this to me, especially when I am tired and looking after a newborn and 3 older DC singlehandedly as my DH is not living here at the moment...

DD is 22 days old and BF on demand. She is quite windy/colicky and just likes to be held anyway. At first she wouldn't sleep in her carry cot at all, only on me or DH, but she is now sleeping 3-5 hour stretches through the night in it and will have a morning feed between 5 and 7 am and then go back to sleep in her carrycot until 9 or 10, which I actually think is great going.

Afternoons are more tricky and she usually needs to be held and then she sometimes cluster feeds all evening or at least likes to be held most of the evening. She won't sleep in her pram all the time, so walks can be tricky as sometimes she'll scream and we have to come home again. I am thinking of a sling so at these times I can pop her in her sling instead of having to come home.

People keep saying she'll be 'spoilt and then today when DH rang and I was exasperated after having to return from a walk to feed DD again, even he said 'maybe we've overdone the cuddles a bit'. She needed feeding FFS. What do people expect me to do?! Leave a 3 week old baby to scream until she's inconsolable?! A friend of a friend who was walking with us even suggested I take a bottle of expressed milk with me to give her if she needed it during a walk. Why? Am I supposed to shove a bottle in her mouth whilst also pushing her in the pram?! I calmly explained that I was trying to avoid bottles as DD was only 3 weeks old.

Yes, DD is more demanding than her brothers were, but she's only going to be tiny for such a short time and all babies are different surely. Plus, at least I can get some sleep at night. Surely it's impossible to actually 'spoil' a baby?

[VeronicaCake]

I spotted on the twins thread that you had lost twins last year. I am so sorry.

I hope going with the flow and popping your DD in a sling reduces your stress somewhat. You are doing an amazing job and it sounds like your older DS's are little stars too. If you got it right with them it is unlikely you are going to suddenly cock everything up this time round!

[hightrees]

You are doing all the right things! What a star you are.

[fraktious]

Natural Mamas has local meets and even if you can't find an actual meet near you if you put up a begging post a local babywearer may be able to help you out.

This is the official slingmeet site.

Both places have tons of info

You have a wonderfully trained DS. Will you share your secret?!

[midori1999]

Thankyou so much, I had a fairly decent night's sleep and DS1 very kindly got up and sorted out his brothers for me so I had a long lay in from the 7am feed until 10.30am with my DD. Luxury!

VeronicaCake, I don't know why other people's comments have got to me, I am a quite confident person/parent and usually have no problem at all telling people what I think. This is an emotional time for us, we lost twin DD's last year when they were born very prematurely and this pregnancy was difficult too. I think it's just all been a bit overwhelming when combined with lack of sleep to be honest, although I am getting much more sleep now than I was at first. Plus, this is my first time properly breast feeding, it just didn't work out with my boys due to lack of correct information at the time and I am not sure if it's that they were FF from very early on, or just their personalities, but my boys were much less demanding babies, so I think I'd just somehow assumed this baby would be the same.

Fraktious I haven't heard of sling meets or libraries before, how would I find one? It sounds a great idea.

Loopymumsy I am an H/HH at the moment too. Not worried about what I look like in the sling (well, not much anyway ) so it's good to know the stretch wraps can work out for the larger busted.

Thanks all again.

[VeronicaCake]

DD was exactly like this. She lived in a Moby sling for the first 8 weeks, and after that we got a Connecta which we still use now. As you say your options are limited unless you want to leave a newborn to cry which wasn't something I was able to do.

At 14m we couldn't ask for a happier, better behaved or more confident child. I think this is 99% luck and down to her underlying temperament. But we certainly didn't manage to 'spoil' her with cuddles early on.

But if you have three kids already you know this, so the bigger question is why are other people's comments undermining your confidence? Is it just that you are knackered?

My own rule of thumb was to listen to the advice of people with 3 children or more only. People with 1 child (like me) tend to think all babies are like theirs. People with 2 kids tend to think babies come in 1 of 2 varieties. People with 3 or more have spotted that babies are unpredictable wee beasties, but that everything annoying that they do tends to stop pretty quickly. So by my reckoning you are the expert and I should shut up. Ahem.

[fraktious]

Definitely not spoiling! dS is nearly 3 months, I BF totally on demand, co-sleep and occasionally bring him in our bed rather than his sidecar crib and he loves his slings.

Personally I would go for a woven wrap - a Storchenweige or Hoppendiz wouldn't be much more than a Moby and it will last. You need around 4-5m.

Can you get to a slingmeet to try stuff? Or contact a local sling library and ask someone to pop by with a range of slings?

[jandmmum]

all sounds normal to me, like you say she won't be tiny for long. Of all the baby paraphanalia I've ever bought my Close baby sling is the best. it was a bit pricey at around £50 but it made of organic cotton which is so soft. Even now and DD is 11 months I take it out in case she gets fussy. She is not spoilt, but enjoys her cuddles, particularly when tired. It's also great if I need to go somewhere without the pushchair. I've walked around feeding on it and no-one has been the wiser. I found it better than other slings I've tried as it spreads th weight across the back and not across one side of the neck like the more traditional sling shape. Sorry if I sound like a walking advert but I do love it! and no you can't spoil a 3 week old. enjoy those special cuddles

[IgnoringTheChildren]

Ignore the idiots people who think you can spoil a baby! It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job.

I have an Ergo which I love, however it works best for babies who are over 4 months old. There is a newborn inset that you can use - I bought one and tried it a few times - it's bloody useless unless your baby likes being "curled up" so my DS2 did not enjoy it won't be saying that when I stick it on ebay though...

I wish I'd looked into alternatives for when he was a few weeks old as some kind of sling would have made my life so much easier. Hope that you find something that works well for you.

[WiiUnfit]

midori, you're doing great. Don't listen to the "rod for your own back brigade" [hgrin]

I have had similar comments about DS (5w tomorrow) as he too is fed on demand. My favourite had to be from my Nana (bless her cotton socks) whilst I was on the phone to her:
Me: "Sorry Nana, I'll have to go - DS is crying, he's due a feed"
Nana: "You don't have to be at his beck and call you know"
Me: "Nana, he's two weeks old & due a feed..." [hhmm]

[mamalovebird]

You are not spoiling your baby (although judging by the other posts you know this already). I remember when my DS was born he slept on me for the first month before i gradually introduced the crib (and I bloody loved it - I'd let him sleep on me now!). My mum told me that babies are manipulative from the word go/know what they're doing blah blah but i reminded her it was 34 years ago she got that from a doctor - things have moved on.

Sounds like you're doing a great job. I'm just thinking about number 2 and it scares the shit out of me.

[LithaR]

Tbh i wish my mum had spoilt me with cuddles when i was growing up. It probably would have stopped me developing depression in my teens.

Its partly why I'll be happy to give my son cuddles. Why is making your child feel safe, secure and loved seen as such a terrible thing by older folk. :(

[willowstar]

she is a tiny vulnerable little baby who needs to be held and fed and you are doing exactly what she needs. I have only had one baby and she was as you describe your little girl...so I have never known it any other way but within a week of having her I bought a sling and decided to co-sleep because she just so obviously needed a lot of cuddles so she got them! . she had reflux and medical problems so I just melted when she was in pain. She is now 22 months old and is the most confident of all her little pals, she is very very affectionate and I still cuddle and snuggle up with her every night and breastfeed her twice a day. Every time I get a compliment about how self assured she is I want to tell people that I still breastfeed and cuddle her whenever and probably a lot more than most people and co-slept with her and still have her in our room...but I don't.


anyway, your job right now is to nurture and cherish her which is what you are doing so good on you.

[RitaMorgan]

I used a close carrier from newborn until 5/6 months - then ds got too heavy for a stretchy sling and I got a Beco (similar to an Ergo).

[sundew]

I used a wilkinet for my 2 dds which I loved but they do take a bit of getting used to. I didn't use a pram fopr either of mine until they were about 6 months old (and getting heavy to carry everywhere!).

When dd2 was tiny she was constantly in the sling - both in the house and when we were out and about - it was a life saver.

[JollySergeantJackrum]

I have a moby and K cup boobs. I do find that ds doesn't like his head tucked in unless he is sleeping, so I tend to need to.support his head with one of my hands. I love the moby and couldn't have done without it in the first few weeks.

If you do go with it, check out both the newborn position and the kangaroo one (once your dd is 8lb).

[threeandcounting]

Moby wrap gets my vote here...but I do have small boobs.....

[vintageteacups]

Sounds like you've got it sussed.

Forget what anyone else says - you're doing brill - especially with your dh not there at the moment.

And her morning routine sounds great.

I think you'd love the sling idea and I think people will be a lot less critcal if you have a sling. I didn't have one but I wish I had have.

With such a tiny baby, of clourse you don't want to leave her to cry etc. Forget what they say and go with your instincts as her mother.

[Knackeredmother]

I found the ergot baby carrier excellent, easy to breastfeed in discretley. I have bf around the supermarket etc very discretley with this. Can also use it as a backpack.
I would say it was the single best purchase I made as had 2 Velcro babies (who are not spoilt btw!). However, I think you can't use it until 12 weeks old.
Also, my 2 never went in a pram and never slept alone. I literally was with them 24 hours a day. My 3 year old daughter is so confident and independent now.

[midori1999]

Thankyou so much. Couldn't reply sooner as DD was/is a bit unsettled. Managing one handed now.

I'm happy to feed in public, but I had to come home today as DD really wouldn't have stopped screaming except if she was fed and I had one of my dogs and DS3 with me who has Downs Syndrome so needs close supervision whilst out and about. We are also pretty rural, so feeding during the walk would have meant sitting on the ground or a rock and I just thought today it was easier to come home.

Has anyone got any sling recomendations? I thought the Moby wrap looked good, but had seen someone say they aren't great if you have big boobs, which I do. I wanted something very supportive though so DD won't flop about in it or I'll still feel the need to hold her/support her when she's in it.

Thankyou!

[emsyj]

Goodness me, I had my mother bleating down my ear for the first 6 months of DD's life, telling me that I held her too much and why don't I put her down etc etc blah blah blah. I ignored her and held DD constantly (not because she was particularly desperate to be held, I just liked it ) She is now 14 months old and not remotely 'clingy' (don't like that word really) and I have had no issues as a result of constant holding and cuddling.

Enjoy it while it lasts - DD is now a wriggly squiggly worm and has very little patience with being held!!!

[MoonFaceMamaaaaargh]

what all of mn said.

[HSMM]

The most useful piece of advice I was given, was that I could spoil my DD as much as I liked for the first 6 months and get away with it. Those 6 months were lovely, because I didn't have to worry about how much I carried her, or how often I fed her.

Make the most of these early months and do what is best for you and your DC.

[EightiesChick]

'Spoil' away! She is 3 weeks old! Time enough for firmness when you get to toddler tantrums.

Pick a line to use whenever you get this, something like 'I'm happy with the way I'm doing this, but thanks for the advice'. Just keep using that.